AIBU to expect a thank you for teacher gifts?

[katydid2]

Today is my son's last day at the nursery school where he has spent the past three years. Last week, I gave his teacher what I thought was a very generous thank you gift: a silver-plated picture frame, a voucher for a manicure and pedicure at an expensive spa near the school, and a heartfelt written note with a picture my son drew. I also gave the head teacher an expensive bottle of champagne and a Diptyque candle.

As it's my son's last year, I wanted to give the other teachers and teaching assistants a little gift as well, so I gave them each a goody bag filled with good chocolates, nice hand cream, and a card my son signed. I realised that my gifts were perhaps not the most original or exciting, but I wanted to give each teacher a little something.

Out of the 10 people to whom I gave gifts, two thanked me. The others, including my son's teacher and head teacher, have said not one single word. I don't expect a parade or applause, but a simple thank you would be nice. I don't even expect a hand-written thank-you note (though I always write them), but again some sort of acknowledgement would be nice.

We do live in a very affluent area, but we are not rich. I am a SAHM, we are saving to buy a house, and we spend most of our disposable income on our children's education. Perhaps the teachers are accustomed to getting more expensive gifts and were disappointed with my gifts!? I am genuinely baffled, bemused befuddled, and if I'm honest, very hurt. Am I being too sensitive?

Yes, totally comes across that you wouldn't have posted if you'd given a box of maltesers.

I do think it costs nothing and takes no time to say thank you. And though I don't doubt there are some rude people in all professions who don't, you have no reason to believe that they didn't thank your son.

You know - the actual gift giver.

This sounds like you tried to keep up with the Joneses and you're upset that didn't come with some pleasing feedback.

Btw - I wouldn't know Dyptique from a Pound Shop candle, so I wouldn't gush over you for that. And if someone else told me it had cost £50 I'd be too embarrassed to mention it. £50 on a candle. Fools and their money...

OP why won't you tell us how the presents got to the recipients? Did the chauffeur deliver them or something. You've been asked several times!

I'm a teacher with a crap memory and I don't thank the parents at the end of the day because I can't remember who gave me what and it's hard to catch every body in such a short space of time.

What I do do is thank the child when I open the gifts during the day. I always hope the child passes the thanks on but as technically the gift is from them, I always feel like I've thanked the giver.

But Mommyn24 you say "considering the gifts you gave"...

WHY?

Why should there be more need for a thank you for over priced over marketed candles, than someone giving what they can afford and that being a £1 bag of chocs?

THe teacher says thank you to the child when they hand them over. That's enough!

This. 100%

lorelei

Ha, ha! I would love it if I got chicks. I got some chocs but no chicks.

katydid
I imagine the teacher was kicking herself later when she realised. She was probably just tired and it slipped her mind at the time. You may find that you received a thank- you.
I haven't unwrapped all mine yet. I didn't receive many it is just that a few were thrust into my hand at the end of the day. I said a big thank you to each child. Some I had opened in front of earlier, some were in bags so I could easily peep in but some were wrapped and sellotape so much that they could have gone around the world on Santa's sleigh and still been intact. I will enjoy opening them this afternoon when I get up! My friend received the best present - it was a hand written letter from a child in her class all about how wonderful she was except on the days she wasn't. We were in stitches. It was sooooo true. A very observant child who had obviously enjoyed being in her class on good. And not so good days!
I will spend this weekend writing thank you cards to the children. I give them in September and they love having a little letter waiting for them in the new term. It also teaches them to write them. I do know I have one present without a name. A box of chocolates that had been left in my little room but I also had a big brother tell me that his little brother had a present for me and it was from both of them so hopefully that will match up otherwise little brother's present has gone AWOL.
Your presents were extremely generous. I guess you live in an affluent area. I don't expect anything but one of my best that I opened was a homemade present to hang.
I hope you do receive a thank you but if not I'm sure the teacher was bowled over by your generousity. It is early days yet so you may get one in the post.

Also best presents I have ever been given were handmade bits by kids, have two framed pictures still hanging from an especially special year group that I taught over several years with all their names in a heart, and the most beautiful pic and thank you note from one of those pupils. I valued those especially because one showed that I had been important to year group too (maybe bit narcisstic but had been 4 years of my life) and one was written by pupil from bottom of heart and encapsulated everything I want to be as a teacher. What I also have kept is thank you cards or letters from parents who took the time to explain what the year had meant to them and their child. I was luckily enough to havebeen spoilt with lovely vouchers, champagne and gorgeous other reasons by extremely generous parents, but for me it is the genuine thank yous (when deserved!) that stick out and I remember.

Bowled over by her generosity?
Yeah, maybe.
Or thought it was just standard gift giving for that area. For which I'm sure they're grateful - but not bowled over.

A £1 present from a struggling family would bowl me over. Not a £50 candle (WTF is it with women and candles?!) from an affluent one just fitting in with the done thing.

of course YANBU, they should say thank you especially because it sounds like they get ample opportunity to.

however they may have received a mountain of gifts and genuinely wouldn't remember who gave them what, or who gave a present/didn't. Also when they do see you, are you alone? they may be wary of thanking you in front of someone else who gave a gift but they don't remember!

i don't think a teacher has ever thanked me for a present unless i hand it to them directly - but i wouldn't expect them to. I buy them (something small eg chocolates, biscuits, plant) because my dd wants to give them a gift. i am sure they say thank you to her when she hands it over. It isn't about me.

The exception to this was dd's ballet teacher and tutor who often send thank you notes in the post, totally unexpected and unnecessary, but nice. Then again they won't have the volume of presents/thanks to do.

I am not judging you for how much you spent. It's your choice and it's lovely to spoil people but I do think expecting more than a thank you to DS is a bit much and they prob haven't even opened them at that point. I do feel like you're in it for the glory more than thanking someone.

I still don't understand why there are candles out there in the world what cost £50? How can that price be justified? Do the bees actually blow the glass for the holder too?

I work in a school (state) and we have a strict gift and hospitality policy, where we have to declare and turn in to senior management via hr any presents offered, as we are not allowed to accept them - subject to disciplinary action if we don't. I would hate to think that parents have spent that much money, time and effort to buy a gift I won't be allowed to accept/keep anyway

Hi OP, I hope you enjoy Mumsnet.

Tinydancer, why on earth are you not allowed to accept the gifts? That seems a little mean spirited of the school.

I am speechless. So you spent circa 400 quid on gifts (possibly more). I wonder when/if you will be able to buy a house if you carry on like this for a bunch of people that you'll most likely never see again. Voucher for manicure and pedicure? Champagne? For realz?

You do realise that teachers, even in the private sector, are fairly badly paid. Seems a little vulgar to flaunt your obvious wealth in this way (though sounds like you weren't the only one). But surely you didn't send your kid in with a champagne bottle? Did you not hand them over to the staff yourself. If not, how do you know he actually handed everything over? Perhaps he and his friends ate the chocolate, burned the Diptique candle and sprayed the champagne around the playground.

Also you say you have had two thank yous. Have you really seen ALL the staff since these gifts were given.

You don't know that a thank you wasn't said to your DS, you yourself admit that he's not reliable on this kind of thing.

The gifts were to thank the staff for their work. Why should they then need to thank you for the thank you gift, I don't quite get that and I'm all for thank you acknowledgements.

But the gifts themselves were bonkersly over-the-top.

I am a TA and received several gifts from children. The ones I received before the last day, I thanked the child and wrote a thank you at home to child and family to give them the next day to take home. The ones given to me on the last day I have kept a note of for September. I always thank the child properly and say how kind it is of them. If a parent hands me the present I say the same but then might not feel the need to write a thank you as in my mind, thankyous notes are for gifts that you haven't had the chance to say thank you directly to the buyer for, in this case the family. I must say though that it can be quite overwhelming(and lovely) to be handed gifts at the same time as supervising the children and getting on with the usual day to then remembering to say a proper thank you to each and every person. This is why our head sends a general thank you to all parents for all gifts in an email.

A child of the 80's and 90's and I remember giving something small i made/bought for favourite teachers but those gifts sounds very OTT for people basically doing a paid job.

I would definitely expect a thank you for such elaborate gifts, but maybe if you chose something more low key/less expensive next time - a lack of thank you wouldn't irk so much?

Yes I was shocked when I moved to this new school last September too, as hadn't had any such policy in my old work place! Think the idea behind the policy is 1) that we are part of an organisation and working on their behalf, therefore any benefits from said work should go to the organisation, rather than individuals, and 2) to avoid conflicts of interests, favouritism, or issues further down the line in terms of parents complaining of either of the above.
I think it is a bit mean and ridiculous, and from experience most of gifts we get are chocs, cards, etc., and I'm yet to meet a colleague who declares those lol. I don't expect to get anything from parents/students though, I'm just doing my job, and would be quite embarrassed to receive really expensive gifts

Also, I would be embarrassed to receive gifts as generous as yours OP. Some of the loveliest gifts are simple, cost nothing and are made by the children. A scrawly picture with a heartfelt scribble from the child wins hands down over a fancy candle imo.

My partner has a clothing recycling business and has the recycling banks found in carparks, the amount of teacher gifts found dumped in these at the end of term is staggering! You are best just buying a box of maltesers.

green18

Agree with your posts

I haven't read the full thread but mine have attended independent London day schools. Bottle of champagne/whiskey for form teacher, tin of biscuits/box of chocs for the office was my limit. Occasional letter to the head if a member of staff had been particularly fab.

As a teaching assistant (retired this year) I always wrote small, personal thank you notes to all the families that sent in gifts for me, as I was so thrilled to get them! It felt a small thing to do. I usually had between 10 & 20 gifts at both Christmas and the end of the year so am aware it's not as many as some teachers would have. But, little presents were lovely (it's amazing what you can get for a pound or two) and sometimes it was a little embarrassing if the gifts were obviously a lot more than that.
However, I think I was quite unusual in the school in doing thank you notes.

But you gave it to them to say thank you
You can't keep saying thank you back and forth