AIBU to expect a thank you for teacher gifts?

[katydid2]

Today is my son's last day at the nursery school where he has spent the past three years. Last week, I gave his teacher what I thought was a very generous thank you gift: a silver-plated picture frame, a voucher for a manicure and pedicure at an expensive spa near the school, and a heartfelt written note with a picture my son drew. I also gave the head teacher an expensive bottle of champagne and a Diptyque candle.

As it's my son's last year, I wanted to give the other teachers and teaching assistants a little gift as well, so I gave them each a goody bag filled with good chocolates, nice hand cream, and a card my son signed. I realised that my gifts were perhaps not the most original or exciting, but I wanted to give each teacher a little something.

Out of the 10 people to whom I gave gifts, two thanked me. The others, including my son's teacher and head teacher, have said not one single word. I don't expect a parade or applause, but a simple thank you would be nice. I don't even expect a hand-written thank-you note (though I always write them), but again some sort of acknowledgement would be nice.

We do live in a very affluent area, but we are not rich. I am a SAHM, we are saving to buy a house, and we spend most of our disposable income on our children's education. Perhaps the teachers are accustomed to getting more expensive gifts and were disappointed with my gifts!? I am genuinely baffled, bemused befuddled, and if I'm honest, very hurt. Am I being too sensitive?

Hot - none of the teachers seemed to mind, mostly they were embarrassed at the presents and the 'pressure' that some, less wealthy, parents felt in being 'obliged' to buy end of term gifts.

And actually it is often the less wealthy parents who tend to spend more money - I have posted on here before about a family I know who use the local Food Bank, really struggling to buy a very expensive bouquet for a teacher; the mother was worrying about it and telling me and I tried, as gently as I could, to explain that teacher gifts weren't necessary but she really felt she had to buy something.

Personally I agree with Julie - I have never bought a teacher gift, I do send a hand written letter/card if I felt the teacher had been really outstanding but I honestly believe it is unprofessional of teachers to accept gifts .............. as it is in many other areas of employment.

My daughter gave her pre-school teacher a thank you card and a bunch of gladioli so god knows what the teachers in your area would think of me
If I had spent that amount of money on gifts (I'm guessing it was around £300) I would be miffed too! Is this type of gift standard at the school?

I'm a primary teacher. I thank every child profusely at the time and give them a big hug. I ask them to please thank their mum/carer for me. I tell them how I'm looking forward to having a bubble bath with chocs and candles etc etc.
I do try to seek out the parents at hometime, if they're the ones to collect. Or even if it's after the holidays. I thank them quietly but sincerely, I don't want to make a big thing of it within earshot.
Yes, the present is from the child, but it's usually the adult who buys it. (Though I still have a plastic soap dish which was practically flung at me one year by a particularly reprehensible pupil who told me that she'd bought it herself, as I was always washing my hands in class! She has a child of her own now and predictably, a number of issues to deal with. I REALLY treasure that soap dish. To anyone else, it looks like it's fit for the bin, but it's special to me because of the thought that went into it. From a very challenging pupil, who knew it I say that with affection for her!)
So I try to make a point of thanking the parent, even if I don't see them till weeks later.
I wouldn't write thank you notes, though. (OP, I know you're not expecting one)
I keep every cup I'm given and I could tell you who gave me it. One is from a pupil who tragically died a few years ago, I've had that cup 20 odd years now.
I'd never judge a parent for not giving a card or present, and I feel sad that a couple of pp's have said they feel embarrassed at their gifts or lack thereof.
Sometimes, children say to me that they "forgot" or their mum didn't have enough money. I give them a big hug and I say, "You give me the best present every day. You're here and you're well-behaved and hard-working. That's the only present I need."
It's nice if a parent thanks you verbally, that means a lot.
Yes, we're just doing our jobs, it's just nice to be appreciated. I usually give my doctor's surgery and pharmacy a few boxes of mince pies or chocs etc, along with a card expressing my gratitude for their excellent service.

Just read a few more of your posts op and mumsnet is a truly terrifying place, you have to have rhino skin to start a thread on here. YANBU for expecting a thank you for the gifts at all. I would be offended if I had put the thought in that you have and didn't get so much as a "thank you, can't wait to have a well deserved mani/pedi" or "I love diptyque candles, thank you so much"

Oh and I always open presents in front of the children, they deserve to see you being happy with their gift. I make the same fuss if all of them and they all get a hug whether they like it or not

I got ds1's nursery teacher an engraved silver-plated item with,
To My (insert name)
I hope I was a good boy.
Love DS1
She was very special to us. Still bump into her and have kept in touch a few years later. She was a very important person in his life.

I was actually wondering if I should buy my sons teacher a gift as I hadn't really thought much of her all year and my son wasnt keen either and wasnt interested in giving anything. In the end I caved in and took something round. I cost me £5 (money I could have really used) and I handed it over to her with the usual nice words. It was i a plain bag so no way to know what it way. She just took it didnt really offer any nice words back so I walked away wishing I hadnt bothered!

Ragwort, how do you know the teachers dont mind about pooling their gifts and then having to buy some things back if they want them? If you are a parent and not working in the school it is unlikely that they would tell you what you really think. I wonder what most of the parents would think if they knew. I imagine lots wouldnt bother giving anything.

Thank you for your thank you gift. Thank you for thanking me for your thank you gift. Sorry I am easily amused!

I personally wouldn't expect a Thank You. I would hope the Teacher who receives the card and gift thanks my kid when she hands it over as that's just good manners.

But to Thank me personally. No I couldn't care less.

In reception my daughter had an older lady as a TA (and lady really is the word...). She sent dd a charming handwritten letter for the mini Christmas cake she had made, another one at Easter to thank her for her chocolate bunny and a third one in the summer to thank her for the felt flower brooch she had made. They might take a week and a half to two weeks to arrive but given the effort she had made with a personalised note you could hardly complain about that. Each time dd was thrilled to receive her own correspondence and it made it so much easier to get her to write her own thank you notes after that. Even now I only have to remind her of this and she gets her pen out..

So whilst I'd never expect a thank you - although once we were in to whole class collections most teachers sent an email out to say thank you - it can make a real difference if they do bother.

Not read the whole thread but when did giving Teachers gifts become all the rage? When I was a child no one gave the Teacher a present for doing their job? I noticed a few years ago all the cards in shops and presents marketed for Teachers. I had one Teacher at secondary school who went over and above for me and I got her a small gift but that was it.

Not read the whole thread but when did giving Teachers gifts become all the rage?

It's been a common practice in London for at least 10 years, when my oldest first started nursery.

We got thank you letters at the beginning of the Autumn term last year with a little note saying they hoped DD had enjoyed the summer and wished them all the best in their new class. I was very happy with that.

I used to take something in for my teacher at the end of the year (like a small bunch of flowers or similar) and that was back in the 80s, so hardly a new thing.

Mine used to take a pocket money priced bunch of flowers.
The teachers would have a fair amount to make into decent bouquets. The male teachers got a mug or pen. There's thanking somebody and being over the top with expensive presents. Maybe the teachers get embarrassed at such expensive gifts.

I was born in 1983 and it wasn't common practice when I was a child. I meant a recent thing in relation to my age/when I was at school.

I'm a primary teacher and have just received a lovely assortment of gifts from some of the children. Nothing too flash - chocs, flowers, wine, plants, toiletries. I always thank the child as it is given to me but I would be wary of writing thank you notes to either the child or the parents in case I got it wrong! It can be a bit chaotic those last few mornings when numerous hands are holding out their gifts and my memory isn't what it used to be!

As for the posters who say we should not be allowed to accept gifts, I know of many jobs where much more valuable gifts are received. For example, my cousin used to get cases of wine from clients and my DS has a free bar at his place of work once a month!

YABU. Teachers work hard, they deserve thanks. What is the gain you are seeking?

I'm not sure about this one.

Someone who states she is saving for a house, listing expensive brands and gifts, not really answering specific questions...

If you were saving for a house would you spend around £300 on random teacher presents??

I don't agree that you aren't rich, you may not feel rich but you have spent over £100 on presents for all the staff at a nursery. No one who is not rich could afford to do this. With regards to getting a thank you, I don't expect a personal thank you when I get my daughter to hand over a box of roses from the 99p shop (which is what I can afford as we are not rich). The teacher says thank you to her and she loves giving them a gift and that is enough. If it was a stretch for you to buy those extravagant gifts then you should have bought within your budget and then you probably wouldn't be feeling miffed that they haven't personally thanked you. We live in an affluent area too but I am not ashamed to give what we can afford.

I suppose that perhaps in the original post what the op was getting at was the lack of acknowledgment rather than thanks as such. Perhaps she is wondering whether the individuals actually got the gifts. I guess if you have spent £100 on a gift for the head teacher you would want to be sure that it isn't just sitting in a corner somewhere because somebody meant to give it to her and forgot. But it seems a bit odd, if you thought so much of the teacher you would want to hand the gift in person in which case the recipient would surely say something. I think the teacher gift thing is all just too much, it puts pressure on people to pony up for group gifts or buy stuff just for the sake of it. Do teachers really want to be loaded up with cheap chocs, smelly candles and toiletries they may not like, etc? I send homemade biscuits in for the staffroom at Christmas but we don't do end of year gifts. Homemade card from dD and letter of thanks from parents. I feel a bit bad when we seem to be the only ones in the playground on the last day not weighed down with gift bags. I am amazed by some of the teacher gift stories I see, sometimes they are getting a gift, vouchers or something worth several hundred quid ( eg from class collection). Where I work receiving a gift that size would contravene our business principles and you would get into serious trouble for it. As schools are all cash strapped, why do people not spend this money on the school as a mark of gratitude?

I'm a TA. Yesterday I came home with flowers, cupcakes, chocolates, a Tesco candle and some Radox shower gel... each child was given a big hug, and I made sure to thank the parents at the end of the day...but the best by far are the little handwritten notes and pictures the children do themselves, saying thank you, I will miss you, or you're my favourite teacher.

There's really no need for expense, and there is no expectation.

If you were saving for a house would you spend around £300 on random teacher presents??

I think she's saving for a house around the £1m mark so I do honestly think that she can afford the money she spent. It probably makes little difference to her overall pot of savings.

We usually get handwritten cards in the holidays. Wait and see. There may be a surprise for your DC on its way in the post....

I think English people are weird about thank yous.

All this hand written note angst!

I much rather the Irish way of saying cheers for that and maybe buying someone a pint next time you see them!