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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Vegan. Aibu to refuse to make separate meals for her?

194 replies

Busybusybust · 21/07/2016 21:09

This is my son's gf. She's lovely, if a little intense, she has been veggie as long as I have known her (3/4 years). Don't have a problem with veggie (was brought up as one myself), but last year she became vegan, and is evangelical about it! I am a really good cook (sorry to brag, but it's relevant), and she expects me to cook a separate meal for her every meal. (Talking cooking for six over 6 days at Chrisrmas, two meals per day - so that's 12 separate meals!).

I cook everything from scratch, it's the way I am, but I find this extra stuff just too much, plus I not like cooking food which I find not to my taste. (Cashew nut macaroni cheese anyone!)

I'm 65, and have had two hip replacements, so find standing for long periods difficult. It does seem to me to be inhospitable to me not to make meals guests will enjoy, but I find it exhausting.

Why I am asking this now is that my brother is coming to stay, so I asked eldest to come up and see him, and unbeknownst to me he is on leave and gf will be staying, so she is coming too. It will be lovely to see her............... Except for the bloody food!

So AIBU to ask her to bring her own food?

OP posts:
fascicle · 23/07/2016 12:57

Roussette
But if someone chooses not to eat a huge amount of food groups, they can cater for themselves or accept vegan ready meals...

A huge amount of food groups? There are only five. Vegans avoid one of those groups (one where nutrients can be obtained elsewhere).

OP, vegan cooking is no more difficult/time consuming than vegetarian. It doesn't sound like that's really the issue here - you need a more democratic approach to cooking. You say your son's girlfriend is lovely, in which case she should be amenable to helping you find a solution that suits you both.

Roussette · 23/07/2016 13:10

Maybe food groups was the wrong term. Correct me if I'm wrong but vegans don't eat meat, fish, eggs, dairy, and anything that might have animal products in them, even if hidden. It's a huge faff for a non vegan to have to completely rethink their way of cooking. We cook with all the foods vegans can't eat basically and I would find it very difficult to cater for a vegan on a regular basis. Everyone can choose to eat what they like, vegans included, but to have to embrace that in your own normal cooking is not something I would want to do. I'm just being honest here.

MidniteScribbler · 23/07/2016 13:17

I have no problems catering for vegetarians, vegans, or any other dietary requirements, just as long as they don't expect the whole meal to be based around their choices. So I'll make sure the vegan has something nice to eat, but I wouldn't not cook meat for the others if that is what I had planned to serve.

Butterworthbees · 23/07/2016 13:27

Just get a load of frozen jacket potatos, bread, vegan tins of soup and some vegan friendly fillings, (humous, falafal, avocado, salad, ratatouille) and some salad stuff/veg/fruit. Crisps/nuts are vegan too. It really isn't that difficult, lots of food is naturally vegan if you make from scratch gluten free is much more difficult

SuburbanRhonda · 23/07/2016 13:28

roussette

If the meals you cook in your own home involve "all the food vegans can't eat" then obviously you're going to find it difficult to cater for a vegan. As would anyone who can imagine a meal without those ingredients.

But the OP is someone who, by her own admission, is a great cook and she doesn't have the same restrictions that you have on what she can cook.

SuburbanRhonda · 23/07/2016 13:29
  • can't
Roussette · 23/07/2016 14:11

I don't have restrictions as you put it but I readily admit I would find it difficult. I'm sure I'm not alone or indeed unusual in this.

Our favourite family meals are varied but do include either meat, fish, and dairy, lots of cheese, roast dinners, meaty casseroles, that sort of thing. I have and do cook no meat dishes as we love vegetables, rice risottos etc but it would be something like a roasted red pepper lasagne that has cheese in it. I would have to re-educate myself totally.

Of course, if I had to cook a one off meal for a vegan I would gladly do it but I would not want to be making vegan meals all the time.

cherrypepsimax · 23/07/2016 14:16

YABU
If you want your family around you at Christmas, and you want them to all to feel welcome and not as if you are just tolerating them, then of course you will have to offer vegan alternatives.

Excuse the pun, but you are making a meal of this! Why is it so hard to spoon some mash out before you put milk and butter in it? If you really can't be arsed to make vegan mash with vitalite then just give her plain mash.

Why not ask her to cook a few meals for you so you don't have to do everything?

Unless you eat meat and only meat at every meal, which I'm pretty sure you don't, it will mean minor alterations, like vegan sausages instead of meat, and not putting butter on the veg. You don't have to be up on your feet for hours on end to make minor tweaks.

People have already given you loads of ideas.

If you are happy that your son and gf make their own plans for special occasions that don't involve the family, then this is what you risk by making her feel as if she is an inconvenience.

Up to you.

SuburbanRhonda · 23/07/2016 14:23

rousette

I think many people would find it difficult. And I think that's not because of the restrictions of a vegan diet but because many people are stuck in their ways. Even the OP said she struggled to think of how to cook mashed potatoes without butter and cream and wasn't aware that it's delicious, and much tastier and lighter, made with garlic-infused olive oil.

Roussette · 23/07/2016 14:28

I agree I probably am stuck in my ways, but I like where I'm stuck! I love butter for instance, not so keen on marg. I like to put milk in my mash along with butter. I make a mean cheese sauce (strongest ever cheddar, colmans mustard and milk) and there's no substitute for that vegan wise. The list is endless.

Of course I'd do a one off vegan meal for someone but I wouldn't want to be making a habit of it. I think that's fair enough TBH. If I went to a vegan's house I doubt they'd cook me a roast beef dinner!

venusinscorpio · 23/07/2016 14:42

Unless you eat meat and only meat at every meal, which I'm pretty sure you don't, it will mean minor alterations, like vegan sausages instead of meat, and not putting butter on the veg. You don't have to be up on your feet for hours on end to make minor tweaks.

YY cherrypepsi. Exactly. OP is making a meal of it. You can't really single out the vegan. Stop being such a martyr to your other family too. Make all of them pull their weight, not just a vegan guest.

hooliodancer · 23/07/2016 16:28

Have you seen Anna Jones' books? She does great vegan food in them . As someone who loves cooking; it might be good to do a few gourmet vegan dishes that you will enjoy eating as well as cooking. They are vegetarian cookbooks, but a lot of it is vegan. She goes vegan cakes too, which are very tasty!

Other than that; I am with you really. It would get my goat having to do separate food. But if you did a big version of something and froze it in portions she could have the same dish a few times.

MilesHuntsWig · 23/07/2016 16:45

Roussette read the question, I asked if the PP who expected a vegan to cater for meat eaters would expect a Jew/Muslim to prepare pork (not which dietary requirement is easier to cater for).

You say you'd be happy to cater for a vegan as a one off which is completely reasonable and a nice approach to guests. I'm sure your food is nice and nobody's asking you to change it if you don't want to.

My point was that I really don't understand why some people feel the need to rant about vegans/veggies. It is not hard to cater for and doesn't really inconvenience many people. The OP is clearly being a martyr here and the gf may be being a bit lazy/entitled - jury's out on that one tbh but that's naff all to do with her dietary choice.

Roussette · 23/07/2016 16:56

You may think Miles it is not hard to cater for and doesn't inconvenience many people. I think the complete opposite. For instance, if I had guests I would search all my recipes online, in books, in folders I have here. Favourite dishes I've cooked before and people have loved, that sort of thing. I doubt whether I could cook any of them. If that isn't a bit of a pain, I don't know what is, because my normal go-to special recipes for guests would be unsuitable for a vegan.

So I would most likely cook seperately and I would do this willingly if I had advance notice and I'd asked someone for a meal at my house. What I wouldn't be doing, is changing my whole way of cooking and repeatedly cooking vegan meals for everyone, if for instance one of my DCs gf/bf was a vegan. I would be reverting to individual ready meals or as someone suggested cooking one pot of something, freezing it and taking out individual portions.

venusinscorpio · 23/07/2016 17:05

The OP mentioned the hassle of separating out a portion of mashed potato and mixing in vegan spread in place of butter. How is that difficult?

PinkyofPie · 23/07/2016 17:07

Bottom line surely is, if it's a faff and the OP doesn't want to do it, her son should make the effort for his partner? I would if I was at my mum's and we were both hungry

venusinscorpio · 23/07/2016 17:26

The OP strikes me as a person who doesn't really want other people to cook. Which is fine, but she can't exclude particular people, it's not nice.

I'm glad to see that at Christmas everyone will get to take a turn.

MilesHuntsWig · 23/07/2016 17:42

Yes Roussette I actually have no idea why you're trying to pick a fight here.

You missed the point of my question upthread.

We then agreed that you would be a nice for a vegan as a one off. It would be a big effort for you to do this but you'd be willing to. That's great, but I don't think it has to be as hard as you think (as supported by the comments host on this thread and my experience of living in mixed omnivore/veggie/vegan families).

We agree you wouldn't want to change your cooking practices longer term. Fine, no-one's asking you to. Most reasonable veggies/vegans would pitch in and help/bring stuff/be happy with whatever they got. The OP here is being a martyr, had made some assumptions and hadn't asked for any help.

Roussette · 23/07/2016 17:51

I'm not trying to pick a fight. Life's too short and I CBA. I have an opinion and I totally get where the OP is coming from, that's all. And that is not trying to fight with you.

I missed the point of your question upthread, it wasn't intentional, I didn't understand what you were getting at.

Most reasonable vegans you say would pitch in, that's great. The OP's son's GF isn't though.

BTW I cook veggie regularly, I'm a big fan of Ottolenghi, a lot of his dishes are to die for, so no problem there.

janethegirl2 · 23/07/2016 22:58

You could always lie OP Grin

LaContessaDiPlump · 24/07/2016 07:07

Nice Hmm

SuburbanRhonda · 24/07/2016 11:06

Lie about what, jane?

janethegirl2 · 24/07/2016 20:18

About what's in the meal!

Clutteredmess · 24/07/2016 20:30

YABU if you want her to feel welcome in your home.

You've got a lot of time between now and Christmas - I would cook some Vegan dishes that will freeze and defrost them on the day.

However I think you should expect some general help during the visit.

MarbleFox · 24/07/2016 21:56

About what's in the meal!
Besides the fact that's a terribly petty and nasty thing to do I'm positive she'll know if OP has lied about ingredients the second she tastes the food.