Vegan. Aibu to refuse to make separate meals for her?

[Busybusybust]

This is my son's gf. She's lovely, if a little intense, she has been veggie as long as I have known her (3/4 years). Don't have a problem with veggie (was brought up as one myself), but last year she became vegan, and is evangelical about it! I am a really good cook (sorry to brag, but it's relevant), and she expects me to cook a separate meal for her every meal. (Talking cooking for six over 6 days at Chrisrmas, two meals per day - so that's 12 separate meals!).

I cook everything from scratch, it's the way I am, but I find this extra stuff just too much, plus I not like cooking food which I find not to my taste. (Cashew nut macaroni cheese anyone!)

I'm 65, and have had two hip replacements, so find standing for long periods difficult. It does seem to me to be inhospitable to me not to make meals guests will enjoy, but I find it exhausting.

Why I am asking this now is that my brother is coming to stay, so I asked eldest to come up and see him, and unbeknownst to me he is on leave and gf will be staying, so she is coming too. It will be lovely to see her............... Except for the bloody food!

So AIBU to ask her to bring her own food?

I was vegan, now just about vegan. My family aren't. I used to have to cook for work in a residential community where there were differing dietary needs.

If you're cooking from scratch it's easy to vegan-ise/vegetarian-ise a meal. Maybe the vegan can help cook? Or you can discuss meals together ahead of the time to see if she can bring along the vegan elements to meals. I used to bring the nut roast to my parents rather than have them cook meat and veggie roasts. She could bring along her preferred brand of tofu/tinned pulses, vegan marge etc and it's easy to adapt meals. E.g. lasagne- make 1 load of sauce, divide a bit off and just add tinned lentils to that, your browned mince to the other. Don't bother with white sauce just stick lentil things on the top (vegan would understand not having pulled out all the stops if cooking for lots). If cooking a roast dinner, vegan can have all of it if you don't cook potatoes etc in meat fat, just with a slab of smoked tofu etc instead of meat, most gravy powder is vegan (I realise you probably don't use such a thing but there you go). Beans on toast, Jacket potatoes and beans, most supermarkets sell vegan pesto these days

Can you do a bit of a compromise and plan for perhaps one or two dinners to be vegan for everyone, and the rest of the time she just has the potatoes and veg bit? Or you buy a stack of vegan ready meals? Or she brings her own ( although it might be equally annoying to have somebody faffing around under your feet while you're trying to cook?). Or suggest that she and your son do the dinner one of the days? I'm happy to cater for veggies, having a preference that way myself, but vegan is quite hard I think. Even bread and cakes etc have to be remodelled to take out the eggs and butter. And sometimes recipes call for odd things that you might not have like 'vegan egg substitute'. Could the gf be a bit flexible in her approach and accept that some of the food might have a bit of egg or dairy in it? For example if you made veggie burgers (there are some delicious recipes around) but there is an egg in the mix to bind it - could she deal with the fact that her portion contains one sixth of an egg?

I always bring my own food to family get togethers and I'm just veggie. I hate putting people out and I'm pretty sure most veggie/vegans feel the same. It is really lovely when someone says they will cater for you but I never expect it. Friends usually offer, family don't

I wonder if from the point of view of those who say: make her feel welcome that they would expect the vegan to do a roast meat dinner for anyone?

Often good cooks are very protective of their kitchens.......could she be quite willing to cook for herself but doesn't want to offend you ?

If you've always refused any offers of help from "guests" (although they aren't guests they are family) then if you want more help now maybe you need to say so ?

It not clear from op how long gf is staying this time. I have veggie DD and tbh it's pain having to cook separate stuff for her if we are having non veggie meal.

I'd just do what's easiest for you either give her your meal minus non vegan bits or buy a vegan ready meal a stick in microwave.

From sounds of it this visit you weren't expecting her so Yanbu feeling a bit weary at the thought of extra work.

A one off I'd cook for. Anyone in my house for six days can damn well muck in and navigate their own way around the toaster :o

OP - I have the world's easiest and delicious slow cooker lentil & veg recipe in case you try something like this :) (sorry the measurements are the USA version so would need converting).

Ingredients
4 cups lentils rinsed and picked through
32 oz chicken or vegetable broth
2 cups water
1 medium yellow onion, diced
2 cups carrots, sliced
½ cup celery, sliced
28 oz can diced tomatoes, undrained
1 large russet potato, diced
4-6 cloves garlic, minced
3 bay leaves (optional)
½ tsp salt
½ tsp black pepper

Instructions

1. Place all ingredients in a 5 or 6

quart crockpot. Cook on LOW for 7 - 8 hours or until vegetables are tender. Enjoy! This recipe makes LOADS of soup!

Tesco do a great frozen vegan falafel 12 in a box two boxes for £2.50 two lunches there at least but yanbu it's a big ask to cater for a vegan that much for that long.

I wonder if from the point of view of those who say: make her feel welcome that they would expect the vegan to do a roast meat dinner for anyone?

No I wouldn't. I'd expect them to cook something tasty and vegan.

OP does she ever offer to cook?

I ask because you say you take pride in your food so I am wondering if she has offered and you have declined her offers til she stops offering?

I have some quite complex food allergies so I rarely eat at other people's houses as some of them can lead to anaphylaxis but when I do I always offer to cook/bring my own because I hate the thought I am putting people out. Unfortunately my ex sil "found it rude" and insisted on cooking - she stopped after she nearly killed me because she decided "a touch" of something I am allergic too wouldn't kill me and I was "probably just making it up"

Compromise a bit OP
And invite her to cook a few vegan feasts too

What's wrong with pasta with tomato sauce ? Food of the gods

Some easy meal suggestions (where everyone can eat the same thing, or where she can eat part of the meal) -
Cous cous with roasted veg (can add seeds/chickpeas for protein, it's also delicious with Moroccan style lamb for the non-vegans)

Veggie chilli & rice (if you'd prefer the meat version, you could make a batch of veggie chilli in advance and freeze it).

Pasta with tomato & veg sauce (non vegans can have Parmesan on top)

Butternut squash or mushroom risotto (again, could also be a side dish for meat)

Homemade soups (leave out any cream, or add for everyone else after serving up hers) - a good easy meal for a big group with crusty bread

Vegetable tagine

You can keep a few easy options in reserve like jacket potato and beans/pasta with sauce from a jar/cartons of soup, hummus or ready made falafel for when alternatives are just too difficult.

I'm sure she doesn't expect you to spend hours slaving away over complicated recipes, if she cooks quick stuff for herself and is used to it she may just not realise how much stress it's causing you.

I wonder if from the point of view of those who say: make her feel welcome that they would expect the vegan to do a roast meat dinner for anyone?

As a vegan who used to be an omnivore, I would refuse to do a roast dinner for everyone. The key difference is that handling an animal's skinned body now makes me want to heave, while I imagine that your average meat-eater is not affected by soy milk to the same extent. It would be a bit off of a guest to expect their host to do something that they might reasonably be expected to find repellent.

Anyway, sidebar. For the meal issue, I'm the only vegan here and DH/DC all eat everything. We make vegan meals for the most part and DH throws in meat/dairy as required. We say every meal has the LVP (last vegan point) and a portion is carefully removed for me at this juncture if necessary most of our meals are vegan though and, if I do say so myself, very nice. Just lean towards the dishes that are naturally vegan and don't include any of that fake meat/cheese shit and you'll be gold. Indian/Chinese/Thai cuisine are quite good for this, and a lot of Middle Eastern dishes.

I wonder if from the point of view of those who say: make her feel welcome that they would expect the vegan to do a roast meat dinner for anyone?

I have lost of how many times this old chestnut has come up on threads like this. I can't even be bothered to explain why not.

Loving the LVP idea.

You cook Two meals a day??? Blimey, that's a bit over the top. It all sounds a bit formal to me.

Are you giving term mixed messages by telling them you love cooking and hosting and never giving them a reason to think you would like some help.

I'd just speak to your son and say that you would like him and his girlfriend to help out as you don't won't to do so much cooking. It's not difficult.

You could ask them to do some of the shopping too.

One thing I would like to point out. People who are vegan or vegetarian do so by choice. People who are diabetic, lactose intolerant or gluten intolerant/Ceoliac have a very serious health conditions and they are not doing this by choice.

LaContessa
The key difference is that handling an animal's skinned body now makes me want to heave

....but doesn't it make you heave eating with omnivores who are tucking into things such as juicy bloody steaks? I don't understand where you would draw the line.

My dd and sil are vegan and they came over to stay 3 days at Xmas. The deal was that they had the freedom of the kitchen and were in charge of designing and cooking the xmas menu. They were delighted to do so, and touched that we were prepared to forego all the traditional Xmas fare on their behalf. It was a culinary adventure for dh and me (although I did make sure we had sausage and bacon and a small gala pie in the fridge in case it all got too much for him). We all thoroughly enjoyed the alternative Xmas and I didn't miss the turkey as much as I would have missed their presence. It was lots of fun, and vegan washing up is a lot easier than baked-on meat fat.

Breakfast - everyone sort themselves out

Lunch - veg soup with crusty bread ( and cheese if wanted)

Evening meal - the only possibly contentious offering but not too difficult to avoid animal products in most of it

However I like my meat, so vegans are likely to have to fend for themselves a lot of the time.

Surely your eldest and his gf can cook for you all once or twice? They must know it's difficult for you to stand cooking for long periods etc so it would be a nice gesture for them to make. Me and dh always cook for my parents when we go and stay with them I wouldn't expect my parents to cook for us each day.

I have a few friends that are vegan and when I have dinner parties I do cook separate stuff for them and sometimes everybody has the same the Jamie Oliver & BBCwebsite has some real simple vegan recipes that maybe even the whole family could enjoy ( curry, nice salads, chilli etc) and for desserts I normally do chocolate tart for everyone just use Vegan chocolate and soya milk and vegan upside down cake with clotted cream. Vegan food can be simple.

"Some really good ideas here. Thank you. I think I shall ask her to bring her milk, gravy, and stuff, but make her main meals."

Bisto is vegan.

I was vegan for 10 years. The frozen vegetarian section of the supermarket is your friend! Bung a nut cutlet or spicy bean burger in the oven and let her join in with the vegetable / carb sides of the family meals. :) Or cook a large quantity of a recipe she really enjoys and she can have leftovers. Just make sure she has some kind of protein and fat to go with whatever veg you're eating - there's nothing more depressing than being faced with half a plate of nothing but boiled veg knowing you're going to be stuck being hungry for hours. I used to eat a lot of hummus, baked beans and peanut butter - it doesn't have to be complicated. :)

Snack-wise, most good quality dark chocolate and a lot of types of cheap biscuits (definitely not M&S - butter in everything!) are vegan, as are a lot of types of meat-flavoured crisps, somewhat ironically.

If the thought of serving up convenience foods or shopping for them is overwhelming, ask her to bring her own protein, dessert and snacks - it's something that you have to expect to do if you're vegan really as half the time hosts don't understand how to cater for you and the other half the time they're usually unwilling! :) She should be understanding if you're nice and not judgey about it.

There are some fantastic vegan cake recipes that don't involve weird substitutes if you do a bit of googling btw (although some of them use odd ingredients - the best chocolate cake I've ever had uses oil, vinegar and bicarb), and some desserts like crumble can just be made with vegan margarine instead of butter. They're useful recipes to trot out if you ever have guests with lactose intolerance, too.

but I find this extra stuff just too much, plus I not like cooking food which I find not to my taste. (Cashew nut macaroni cheese anyone!)

Who says vegan food has to be cashew nut macaroni cheese type fodder?!
Broaden your mind a little and get googling for recipes. (This coming from someone who eats meat.)
There's some gorgeous dishes out there that you wouldn't even realise were vegan if you weren't told. Same with desserts (vegan cheesecakes and ice cream are both divine!)