Vegan. Aibu to refuse to make separate meals for her?

[Busybusybust]

This is my son's gf. She's lovely, if a little intense, she has been veggie as long as I have known her (3/4 years). Don't have a problem with veggie (was brought up as one myself), but last year she became vegan, and is evangelical about it! I am a really good cook (sorry to brag, but it's relevant), and she expects me to cook a separate meal for her every meal. (Talking cooking for six over 6 days at Chrisrmas, two meals per day - so that's 12 separate meals!).

I cook everything from scratch, it's the way I am, but I find this extra stuff just too much, plus I not like cooking food which I find not to my taste. (Cashew nut macaroni cheese anyone!)

I'm 65, and have had two hip replacements, so find standing for long periods difficult. It does seem to me to be inhospitable to me not to make meals guests will enjoy, but I find it exhausting.

Why I am asking this now is that my brother is coming to stay, so I asked eldest to come up and see him, and unbeknownst to me he is on leave and gf will be staying, so she is coming too. It will be lovely to see her............... Except for the bloody food!

So AIBU to ask her to bring her own food?

Oh it's difficult isn't it. Of course you want to make her welcome but have to say if I was 65yo with hip replacements not sure I would want to stand there cooking fiddly vegan food as well as everything else. So YANBU but no idea what the solution is tbh.

Vegan food isn't that hard...

YABU you're making life difficult for yourself if you come up with rank stuff like cashew nut macca cheese

YANBU, do one or two meals for her but let her sort out the rest.

To be honest, given your health problems, I think all your family should be helping more when they stay. I can't believe how much you're waiting on them!

I wouldn't dream of somebody else sorting out two meals a day for me. They should be sorting their own lunches. Do they ever take a turn to cook and let you put your feet up?

I wouldn't ask her to bring her own food - I'd buy suitable food but then ask for her help (or your son's) when you cook. I don't think that's unreasonable, is expect to get stuck in at my DM's or MIL's house. I wouldn't get anything fancy, perhaps abandon your 'everything from scratch' stance.

YANBU - however, I feel some sympathy for her if you're cooking full meals for everyone else.

Can't you compromise - tell her you will find it difficult to cook separately for her for every meal, so invite her to cook with you. Discuss menu ideas beforehand, and show that you're willing to compromise but you're not her slave.

As a lifelong veggie myself, I would hate for my host to feel stressed or put out by my dietary choices, but equally I'd expect to have some sort of option. If that option was to chat about what food to get in, and to be asked to sort myself out at meal times, I'd be happy with that.

If she expects you to wait on her hand and foot however, she's an arse. Give her BEans on toast for a week.

Ask them.

If you've always cooked from scratch, for everyone, they probably think that it's what you want to do and don't want to tread on your toes.

It's only an issue because you think that you should be doing all of the cooking.

I would ask her for some suggestions as to what to make/recipes and make and freeze some meals in advance for her. Then she can take a main out of the freezer and have whatever veg you are having as well.

I have to cater for several dietary requirements in my family get togethers (diabetic, lactose free, gluten free) and I do a LOT of pre event freezing. Then you can take your time and spread it all out so you are not on your feet all the time.

Maybe stock up on some essential basic ingredients that she can make into a meal for herself.

I'd also encourage the idea that over Christmas every one mucks in and helps out with the cooking - it's your holiday too, you should be able to put your feet up while someone else cooks

I would deffo do jacket potatoes, salads, pasta with sauce etc, or as other people have said, do one big vegan meal. I'm a meat eater but when I have a group round that includes a vegan I usually just do one massive vegan meal, often curry or Thai, it's so much easier than doing separate dishes

Make a few dishes, half of which are vegan. It ain't hard.
The fact that you make everything from scratch will help you.
The comment about your hips is rather martyrish. I really doubt that this person has issued a command that you must stand around in the kitchen for hours on end.

Make sure enough side dishes that everyone can eat are vegan, so roast with oil, not butter or duck fat, make a chestnut stuffing or similar that everyone can enjoy, don't sauted all your brussels sprouts with bacon.... If you make a curry for everyone, make a dahl accompaniment, which everyone can enjoy. Buffet? Can include houmous, maybe a salad with nuts as an ingredient... stuff that anyone can enjoy. Pasta with a vegetable based sauce, or vegetable based soups - those who eat meat and/or cheese can garnish their dishes with crispy bacon, parmesan or what not at the table.

If you're a keen cook, then you should know how to be adaptable without having 2 completely separate sets of meals being prepared side by side.

YABVU.

I don't quite understand why everyone is coming to you for the whole of Xmas if your hips aren't up to it. They should be hosting for you. Other than that, I can't see how much more difficult it is to host for a vegan really.

It's a bit of both IMO. She is BU to expect you to cook for her tastes for that long without offering to cook or bring some of her own meals.
However it sounds very much like YABU with the things you are cooking her. You could do some prepared shop bought meals along with other meals to make it manageable. Also make her things like jacket potatoes, ratatouille. The ratatouille could be made well in advance and frozen or refrigerated. Maybe just have a conversation with your DS?

Arf is right - ask for help, explain that Christmas time is particularly challenging (i.e. not like when she and son drop in for the weekend and it's just them). Don't just let her feel awkward and an unwanted pain.

And, as a vegan, she'll either have got used to preparing much of her own food, in which case she should be able to help out, particularly if you explain that you find cooking hard work, these days, or else she'll eat a lot of frozen bung in the oven type stuff, in which case she won't mind the odd bit of flavoured soya or similar (Some of the Sainsburys stuff, like their dahl burgers, is quite delicious and I'm not even vegetarian)

In fact, if she's the latter sort, who lives off frozen stuff and beans, she might even appreciate the odd cookery lesson ;)

Vegan food isn't too hard - and I say this as someone with two new vegans in the family and no previous experience of catering to this particular whim alternative diet.
Now I can make vegan-friendly Bakewell Tarts that you'd be hard pressed to know are vegan!
You could probably do a lot of stuff in advance at your leisure and freeze it?
But anyway - you are definitely NBU to want at least some help from her and probably a good deal more than that.

And also, I don't know ANY vegans who would demand a whole separate meal cooked from scratch (and I know a lot of vegans). Generally they're just grateful that someone is prepared to feed them.

...so what I mean by that - don't feel like you have to go out on a limb. Just keep it simple.

YANBU! You are cooking for a large crowd of family, it's not reasonable to expect special separate dishes for one person for a duration of a long visit! If you want to be nice you could cook a large batch of lentil and veg soup in a slow cooker or a vegan lasagna ahead of time that she can supplement her meals with throughout her stay, something like that? I don't know if you baste your veg with fat from the roast meat or with butter but you could put some aside for her... That's the most I would do!

Some really good ideas here. Thank you. I think I shall ask her to bring her milk, gravy, and stuff, but make her main meals.

Thanks all.

I don't feed guests who are staying more than a weekend two meals a day either. Has no one (like her?) ever offered to cook? I would never be a guest in someone's house for more than a weekend without taking on a meal, and even if just a weekend would offer to do a big breakfast.

You need to talk to her.

I'm sure if she knew you were on here (understandably) moaning about having to cook for her, she'd be mortified.

Have you ever asked her (or him) to help?

It sounds like some sort of compromise is required: if you have some vegan basics in your fridge/ cupboards, surely she can help herself?

My veggie DD was vegan for about 6 months. Since I am not a big fan of cooking, I tended to make easy stuff that I could freeze and get out as required: felafels, vegan chilli (made with puy lentils), dhal, chickpea curry, simple vegetable sauces for pasta. I also tended to keep a batch of homemade hummus in the fridge all the time.