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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Vegan. Aibu to refuse to make separate meals for her?

194 replies

Busybusybust · 21/07/2016 21:09

This is my son's gf. She's lovely, if a little intense, she has been veggie as long as I have known her (3/4 years). Don't have a problem with veggie (was brought up as one myself), but last year she became vegan, and is evangelical about it! I am a really good cook (sorry to brag, but it's relevant), and she expects me to cook a separate meal for her every meal. (Talking cooking for six over 6 days at Chrisrmas, two meals per day - so that's 12 separate meals!).

I cook everything from scratch, it's the way I am, but I find this extra stuff just too much, plus I not like cooking food which I find not to my taste. (Cashew nut macaroni cheese anyone!)

I'm 65, and have had two hip replacements, so find standing for long periods difficult. It does seem to me to be inhospitable to me not to make meals guests will enjoy, but I find it exhausting.

Why I am asking this now is that my brother is coming to stay, so I asked eldest to come up and see him, and unbeknownst to me he is on leave and gf will be staying, so she is coming too. It will be lovely to see her............... Except for the bloody food!

So AIBU to ask her to bring her own food?

OP posts:
StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine · 22/07/2016 23:28

No Udderz, the idea is that there are ways of catering for vegans or vegetarians in an otherwise meat eating crowd without cooking 2 completely separate sets of meals.

peachpudding · 23/07/2016 00:02

Lactofree UHT Lactolite is shit, is correct because it is, but there is a LOT of dairy free milks, I use Soya milk in mashed potato all the time and no one notices.

PinkyofPie · 23/07/2016 01:13

I do LOL a bit at the posters who say "but she's a guest OP so YABU", like being a guest is a 'get out of jail free' card for any type of behaviour, no matter how demanding or ridiculous. I sometimes wonder how far these posters will go.

OP: "AIBU - my son in law doesn't believe in toilets and likes to shit on my Persian rug when he visits. Should I insist he uses the toilet?"

Response: "YABVU. You're the host, your job is to make the guests feel comfortable. Are you usually this unwelcoming?"

FWIW YANBU. Two seperate meals - fuck that. And no bloody way to the "cook vegan for everyone". I'm sorry but it has to be said - vegan food is universally and uniformally shite

WoahSlowDown · 23/07/2016 01:20

I'm sure there is a optimum happy zone between being a good host and risking martyring yourself.

We are much more relaxed about hosting in my house. Our guests keep coming back so I guess they don't mind. 😂 I think my (adult) kids would faint if I made them more than one meal a day let alone any guests.

blowmybarnacles · 23/07/2016 01:32

Tell your son and GF to help out making meals.

I hate the catering for vegetarian and vegans.

My veggie friend cooks meat for her kids, but we went round for dinner and had a empty meal devoid of any protein, I was still so hungry. BTW, I know I am BU. But for me, cooking veggie/vegan is devoid of any joy.

blowmybarnacles · 23/07/2016 01:36

BTW, I cook mash with soya cream and non-dairy spread and have been told its the best mash ever. But I serve with chicken.

LilQueenie · 23/07/2016 01:39

you don't mind her being a veggie but have a problem being vegan? If you are meat would you still be ok with her being a veggie or is it that you dont want to cook to accomodate?

MarbleFox · 23/07/2016 02:16

I do love how people use threads like this as an excuse to totally undermine and bash veggies/vegans.

LilQueenie · 23/07/2016 03:07

empty meal devoid of any protein,

what did you have? I'm veggie and practically overdose on protein.

MidniteScribbler · 23/07/2016 04:28

I think that an adult child and their partner should be chipping in to cook some meals themselves. They're not really 'guests' as such, just a member of the family and (probably) coming back to the home they grew up in. I'd expect them to just chip in as any other member of the household.

ohdearme1958 · 23/07/2016 06:03

Dahl - makes loads and freezes nicely so make in advance.
500g of lentils.
Bring to boil with water and skim any scum off the top. Simmer for 20 minutes. Add frozen spinach and lime or lemon juice. Simmer until spinach has defrosted*

Never in a month of Sunday's could that be called Dhal.

milpool · 23/07/2016 06:28

barnacles you must not be a very adventurous/creative cook then. Cooking vegetarian/vegan dishes is no harder than meat (in fact I'd say it's often easier) and considering vast swathes of the world's population don't eat meat there are plenty of dishes for you to try.

flumpybear · 23/07/2016 06:41

Wow you're very good having cooked so much so far IMO! I'd honestly concentrate my cooking skills on the majority. Anyone with specialist diets I'd try and accommodate but wouldn't be making so many different plans for - perhaps occasionally I'd cook a vegan meal from scratch but I'd probably just plate her veg and potatoes without butter and milk (I prefer swede and carrots without tbh!) and I'd definitely be expecting her to supply her own milk, butter, wine etc etc

TrickyD · 23/07/2016 09:18

DS1's lovely partner has been a veggie for years. No problem to us as I rarely eat meat and prefer veggie food anyway. Now she has become a vegan. We only discovered this on their last visit, DS1 had forgotten to tell us. I was not best pleased with him.

However I am quite prepared to adjust and cook extra now we know. Her compassion for animals is part of what makes her such a delightful person.

FGS, DS1, marry the girl.

MilesHuntsWig · 23/07/2016 10:03

Those people on here who are just bashing veggies and vegans. Why? Seriously just why?

Tbh I was a bit pissed off with the opening tone of this thread as it reads like an invitation to do so Hmm

If people are preachy towards you than ok that's annoying (for any reason), but why do people feel the need to slag off veggies and vegans?

If you're saying you don't like veggie/vegan foods that's up to you but I'd be willing to bet you just haven't tried nice ones/spent time investigating the options which you don't have to do obviously, but if you haven't you're just commenting from a poorly informed perspective.

harshbuttrue1980 · 23/07/2016 10:17

Haven't rtft. I'm vegan, and yes, I'd expect to be catered for it someone invited me round, just like anyone else. However, I wouldn't expect exotic, cooked from scratch meals every night. Some Linda McCartney sausages with veg, pasta, stirfries etc are all perfectly fine. Also, you could make a big pan of lentil stew and give it to her for two nights - I would think that would be perfectly fine.
If I was visiting for that length of time, I would offer to help with the cooking, but I don't think this is something to be expected because she is a vegan - your son should also help, as its more to do with being an adult than being a vegan.

flumpybear · 23/07/2016 10:22

Perhaps Miles BUT as the GF admitted herself she expected a gourmet meal from a friend's dinner party - which kind of suggests she's happy to let her hosts go to a lot of trouble cooking for the minority, rather than accepting the vast majority want non-vegan food and as host, personally I'd be focussing on the wants of the masses.

Perhaps the answer is for the vegan and boyfriend to offer to cook regularly when there and perhaps share some nice recipes that might appeal to a wider audience!? Or even offer to cook the two meals themselves regularly when returning home as my personal feeling is that if a vegan or vegetarian expect to be catered for (non medical reasons) they can share the same attitude and cook meat for their friends if they want meat / fish and animal products on their menu

Roussette · 23/07/2016 10:24

OP You are totally NBU. If for instance you are doing Christmas meal for lots of people, you really should not have to rethink all your favourite recipes and ingredients for one person. She should either bring her own or help you.

I really enjoy veggie food and cooking it too, but vegan, no. My DD dabbled with vegan and cooked me a vegan macaroni cheese, and it was vile.

OP you sound like a great cook, and I totally agree with your post - why should you do all this with a couple of dodgy knees. Your DS and his GF should sort this out.

Beautifulstorm · 23/07/2016 10:29

Regardless of been vegan. Why are u making their every meal? Surely at their age they can feed themselves. Plus unless she actually lives with you your not obliged to cook her anything. Obviously it's polite if she's round to make her something but I'd not cater on a daily basis.

mysteryfairy · 23/07/2016 10:43

How much trouble or indeed cash is telling her to bring milk saving? I would have thought those things were easy to provide - just stick them on an Internet shopping order. My advice would be put in an ocado order for the best selection of vegan stuff and things that aren't exactly processed but are easy to prep or assemble.

Mycraneisfixed · 23/07/2016 10:44

I'm a similar age FWIW and I'd only be catering for a dietary^^ need not a dietary choice. Explain nicely that it's all a bit much given your hips problem and that you'll get vegan ready meals. If she doesn't like that idea she's welcome to bring her own food ready cooked. Stop being a martyr!

Roussette · 23/07/2016 11:10

Mycrane Totally agree. If someone can't eat something due to allergies or whatever, I would obviously work round that. But if someone chooses not to eat a huge amount of food groups, they can cater for themselves or accept vegan ready meals from the supermarket which I would get (but it sounds like she won't be happy with that)

MilesHuntsWig · 23/07/2016 11:38

I think the vast majority of vegans would not expect to visit someone for an extended period of time and have elaborate meals cooked from scratch. The example given here seems to be posted as an extreme case (personal invite for a meal as a one off from a professional chef) rather than an extended family visit. It seems to be given as an afterthought to justify the OP's prejudice tbh and is counter to the impression of her "being a lovely girl" and the OP admitted she hadn't actually bothered asking for help anyway!

In a lot of cases it's a belief system not some faddy choice made just to piss people off. I ask again, would people have the same approach if the choice were made on religious grounds? Would the pp expecting vegans to cook meat expect Jews/Muslims to cook pork for example?

Roussette · 23/07/2016 12:00

Jews/Muslims and pork are one food - easy to avoid. As opposed to a lifestyle choice affecting very many food groups.

SuburbanRhonda · 23/07/2016 12:03

the GF admitted herself she expected a gourmet meal from a friend's dinner party

We've only got the OP's word that the gf said this. And tbh if a chef, not just any old friend, invited me for dinner and didn't cook gourmet food, I'd be wondering what sort of shit restaurant they worked in.