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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Vegan. Aibu to refuse to make separate meals for her?

194 replies

Busybusybust · 21/07/2016 21:09

This is my son's gf. She's lovely, if a little intense, she has been veggie as long as I have known her (3/4 years). Don't have a problem with veggie (was brought up as one myself), but last year she became vegan, and is evangelical about it! I am a really good cook (sorry to brag, but it's relevant), and she expects me to cook a separate meal for her every meal. (Talking cooking for six over 6 days at Chrisrmas, two meals per day - so that's 12 separate meals!).

I cook everything from scratch, it's the way I am, but I find this extra stuff just too much, plus I not like cooking food which I find not to my taste. (Cashew nut macaroni cheese anyone!)

I'm 65, and have had two hip replacements, so find standing for long periods difficult. It does seem to me to be inhospitable to me not to make meals guests will enjoy, but I find it exhausting.

Why I am asking this now is that my brother is coming to stay, so I asked eldest to come up and see him, and unbeknownst to me he is on leave and gf will be staying, so she is coming too. It will be lovely to see her............... Except for the bloody food!

So AIBU to ask her to bring her own food?

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 21/07/2016 22:48

I do find it odd that everyone has to bend over backwards to accommodate a vegan.

I mean, make sure there's something for them to eat, yes, but if they can't be arsed to make any kind of effort why should the host?

ItsABanana · 21/07/2016 22:57

I mean, make sure there's something for them to eat, yes, but if they can't be arsed to make any kind of effort why should the host?

Isn't that part of hosting people at yours for meals though? Making sure that there's something everyone can eat?!
What do you mean by "can't be arsed to make any kind of effort" when it's them who are attending the meal hosted by someone else?
Does that way of thinking extend the other way round too?
If vegans said "can't be arsed to make any kind of effort for meat eaters", is that not the same?
As in, they can eat potatoes, vegetables, and cashew nut roast, so what's their problem?
(As some meat eaters would turn their nose up at cashew nut roasts and feel hard done by if there was no meat offered. My Dad being one of them... )
It's seriously not hard to make a tasty vegan dish. Hell, if you want it 'meaty', they even have vegan Quorn now.

SuburbanRhonda · 21/07/2016 23:03

but doesn't it make you heave eating with omnivores who are tucking into things such as juicy bloody steaks? I don't understand where you would draw the line

I would draw the line somewhere between me eating / handling meat and someone else doing it.

SoupDragon · 21/07/2016 23:03

Isn't that part of hosting people at yours for meals though? Making sure that there's something everyone can eat?!

Er... You even quoted the bit where I said make sure there is something they can eat

What do you mean by "can't be arsed to make any kind of effort" when it's them who are attending the meal hosted by someone else?

This is virtually a family member who was there for 6 days and expected special meals to be made for her. Does that seem like she is making any kind of effort? Not to me it doesn't, that sounds rather like demanding.

Does that way of thinking extend the other way round too?
If vegans said "can't be arsed to make any kind of effort for meat eaters", is that not the same?
As in, they can eat potatoes, vegetables, and cashew nut roast, so what's their problem?

That is apparently exactly what happens. No vegan would cook s non vegan meal would they?!

It's seriously not hard to make a tasty vegan dish. Hell, if you want it 'meaty', they even have vegan Quorn now.

Then said vegan can make an effort and help then.

SoupDragon · 21/07/2016 23:04

If someone is there for six days I would expect them to make an effort at some point wouldn't you?

GertrudeMoo · 21/07/2016 23:07

I'm vegan and I would never expect anyone to make separate meals for me! I always off to bring/make my own. Our household is 50/50 omni/vegan, so when I'm cooking I usually do a vegan base (e.g. pasta with tomato sauce) and split it out before adding beans&veg to one half and chicken or whatever to the other. Sunday roast is easy as everything but the meat is easily vegan, and then just add vegan sausages or quorn.

JedRambosteen · 21/07/2016 23:13

she expects me to cook a separate meal for her every meal. (Talking cooking for six over 6 days at Chrisrmas, two meals per day - so that's 12 separate meals!).

I've only read your OP, do someone else may have suggested this already. I would be inclined to batch cook & freeze a couple of options in advance & then reheat/alternate for the duration of her stay. You are catering for her and providing an element of choice. If she wants more variety she can sort herself out.

MilesHuntsWig · 21/07/2016 23:14

If she's lovely why not talk to her rather than complaining on here?

You're making a problem for yourself by setting very high standards that you can't meet with your health conditions. Just ask for help, use the freezer or buckle and do something easy/veganisable.

If she's evangelical and preachy then I'm sure she's a pain in the arse, but I think the PPs making nasty comments about vegans upthread are just being twats tbh. Would you say the same thing about dietary restrictions due to a religious belief set?

Aeroflotgirl · 21/07/2016 23:15

I second veggie sausages, burgers etc, pasta with tomato sauce, do a vegan curry, using tofu, if she does not like what you are offering, tell her to provide for herself or your ds should cook for her.

Claireabella1 · 21/07/2016 23:16

YANBU. I'm vegan, if I eat at someone's house, I take an 'offering' a dish meant for everyone but at least know I'll have something to eat. Would never expect anyone to cater specifically for me, like you say, veggie cooking is easy but vegan dishes an be hard work to find something easy that is also interesting and source ingredients. Also, those 'evangelical vegans' are the worst, make the rest of us look bad lol.

LaContessaDiPlump · 21/07/2016 23:22

WoahSlowDown the difference is that if I'm out with someone and they're eating a meal, I don't generally have to see it in its raw glory and manhandle it into a pan. I generally just try to not look that hard at what other people are having. I don't want to be THAT vegan!

Also my DC are quite small and I still occasionally have to dodge sausages being waved in my face with a 'I NO LIKE IT YOU EAT IT MUMMY', so my tolerance for dead animal bits is relatively high really

UnderseaPineapple · 21/07/2016 23:31

Does she really expect you to cook everything. Really?

I don't believe you and I don't believe you've even spoken to her about it either. I think you just heard the word vegan and decided to moan about it.

You can be bothered to cook a very heavy turkey and possibly a ham but for lots of other people who are just as capable at cooking but you blame the vegan for you standing for ages making lots of food. Ridiculous.

LaContessaDiPlump · 21/07/2016 23:31

Yeah, she should offer to help out with the cooking really. You can compromise a bit by cutting down on the butter (i.e. substitute oil or dairy-free spread) and dairy products (substitute soy milk occasionally) used in your cooking over Christmas. I will freely admit that spread is not as nice as butter, but that's life and it's only for a while.

What's her stance on eggs? Is it a blanket ban, or will she accept them from chickens which are kept as domestic pets? I'm a vegan due to personal issues with the industrialisation of animal rearing, so I quite like an egg from a garden chicken which is essentially someone's clucky companion..... yes they come out of a chicken's bum but I can get past that in this case

sandy30 · 21/07/2016 23:39

How about cooking one meal a day, and then people sorting themselves out for the rest? And looking at other cuisines like Indian or Thai?

MilesHuntsWig · 21/07/2016 23:40

I suspect the same as underseapineapple tbh.

You say she expects you to do this.

Has she told you this or have you assumed this?

I find it strange that someone would expect to have 2 meals a day cooked from scratch by someone when they know they have a specific dietary requirement. If she really does then yes she's an absolute arse, but you said she was nice.

I really don't understand why people enjoy moaning about vegans so much.

StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine · 21/07/2016 23:51

No. I owuldn't expect a vegan to cook meat for me. I'd eat what they ate/prepared. If I was catering for a vegan, I'd make sure they did not go hungry, though. With or without meat, it's food. Made HFW's beetroot cumin and walnut salad, the other day as a side and could quite honestly have eaten it until I turned pink all over. Like I said - It's food. Real, actual food. Extremely nutritious food, sometimes.

StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine · 21/07/2016 23:54

Veggie cilli for sure - prefer it to the meat version, so long as the coriander and lime is available in generous proportions. Non vegan can smother it with cheese. hardened carnivores can enjoy a bit of roast chicken on the side!

CuppaBiccieBliss · 21/07/2016 23:57

Nope I wouldn't be cooking for vegan wallies, pain in the arse

StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine · 22/07/2016 00:00

Is it a effort to make everything you cook vegan, then, soupdragon?

Hell, baked beans and oven chips is easily vegan, as is peanut butter toast. It's more a matter of being thoughtful than of changing everything, for most reasonable people.

StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine · 22/07/2016 00:03

Undersea to be fair, turkey and ham are mindlessly easy!

GiddyOnZackHunt · 22/07/2016 00:11

Box of vegan cereal with soy or almond milk for breakfast
Houmous with something vegan (tortillas?) for lunch. From supermarket.
Microwave rice (50p in Sainsburys) plus Dahl for tea.

Dahl - makes loads and freezes nicely so make in advance.
500g of lentils.
Bring to boil with water and skim any scum off the top. Simmer for 20 minutes. Add frozen spinach and lime or lemon juice. Simmer until spinach has defrosted.

expatinscotland · 22/07/2016 00:11

I don't understand the 'Houseguest = must provide hotel service' mentality, particularly people you've known a long time/partners of children/etc. I think sitting on your backside and expecting the host to cook and clean as if in a restaurant/hotel rude beyond belief in a guest.

Just tell them, 'Hey, everyone, my hips leave me feeling knackered and in pain. So I'm going to scale back on the cooking and we can discuss who's cooking/cleaning what for meals.'

ItsABanana · 22/07/2016 00:15

Definitely agree with this! Meat is a lot more hassle to cook, so why is "the vegan" automatically the one being awkward?!
Probably because to the majority of people "meat and veg" is the default normal setting and it's too hard to think of anything else.
Would you think the meat eaters awkward/pains in the arse for not offering to bring food with them?
No because you'll cater for them as they're "normal."
Vegan isn't anything special or different, but people seriously tend to fear it for some reason!

TwatbadgingCuntfuckery · 22/07/2016 00:18

ooh OP I feel your pain! I have had several vegans stay. vegan friend A brought vegan subs with her - stock, milk, spread, tofu and mayo - and helped me cook (even though I'm a good cook) every damn meal. She was even happy to have just chips and peas/beans a few nights too.

Vegan friend B I had stay got so so shitty with me - my house is a nut free house due to allergies - because I wouldn't let her cook nut based meals or replace some of the beans in my bean chilli with soya mince which is the devils work and gives me the shits

I haven't heard the end of it and friend B makes out I forced her to eat a crap diet. I only banned nuts and the soya mince!

YANBU to not want to cater all those meals. Vegan GF can help cook. She's not really a guest but family now surely so can chip in and help at least prep her meals? If you get your DS to cook a few times too that should save you some hassle.

ItsABanana · 22/07/2016 00:19

Nope I wouldn't be cooking for vegan wallies, pain in the arse

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