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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD's refusing to wear a bra, her Head of Year is saying she isn't allowed at school.

999 replies

EmmelineW · 21/07/2016 15:40

DD is 14 (Yr 9) she tried a bra at 12, hated it and has refused to wear one since. She did try a sports bra, which she wore a couple of times in the day but now refuses and would only wear for PE. She's very confident and popular, so it hasn't ever caused any teasing (she normally makes a joke and is very vocal about not wearing one, she says that if she wasn't, she would be bullied because of it).

She had PE today, which was the first lesson she refused to wear her sports bra, she was told to not take part by her PE teacher - her PE teacher is very 'down with the kids' and mentioned it to her privately.

I would just like to say, previously to this, I was called in to make sure that she had a female role model to talk to about periods/bras as it had come to their attention, that was all cleared up.

Head of Year sent her home today because of it and said she isn't allowed back until she wears one, as it's put under the same category as having a short skirt. Where do we stand with this? Does it come under uniform issues? I'm not really sure what they're saying she can't come back for rule wise.

OP posts:

Thread gallery

Hullygully · 26/07/2016 12:09

Bring back combinations, that's what I say.

Or get her a nice panty girdle. Everyone likes a nice panty girdle.

mathsmum314 · 26/07/2016 13:22

In a neighbors school, the girls dont have to wear a tie, but boys do. Probably sexist but everyone seems to accept it. School uniform isn't about the children's comfort, its about uniformity. Apparently its legal to have a different dress code for girls than the boys.

derxa · 26/07/2016 13:39

Or get her a nice panty girdle. Everyone likes a nice panty girdle.
Or a liberty bodice. That's what we used to wear in Stone Age times.
www.yours.co.uk/2015/04/17-things-you-only-know-if-you-grew-up-in-the-1950s

GladAllOver · 26/07/2016 13:40

School uniform isn't about the children's comfort, its about uniformity.
Absolutely, uniform is a good thing. And the OP's daughter wears the correct uniform.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 26/07/2016 13:41

derxa
I was just looking at the same thing - a Liberty Bodice

Solution to the problem

derxa · 26/07/2016 13:45

I really did wear a liberty bodice as a child. It was a fleecy vest kind of thing.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 26/07/2016 13:50

It probably made a lot of sense when homes were colder. When I was young we didn't have central heating so we would wear warm vests.

NicknameUsed · 26/07/2016 13:55

I typed a post but lost it.

As a parent of an extremely self conscious 16 year old I am impressed that your daughter has the confidence to stick to her guns so much that she doesn't get embarrassed when getting changed for PE.

Anyone who dares to be different from the norm does get talked about, whether it is to their face or behind their back. I know a lot of teenagers, and anyone who says that the boys won't notice or make comments is seriously deluded. Most of the boys I know come from nice backgrounds and have been brought up not to behave in a misogynistic way towards the opposite sex, but they are teenage boys and you can't control what they think, even if you can control what they do.

Does this girl wear nothing at all under her shirt? I have never found any white shirts, let alone a school shirt that is so thick that you can't see what is or isn't being worn underneath. DD won't even wear a white bra under her shirt because she doesn't want anyone seeing it.

Thomasisintraining · 26/07/2016 14:20

A corset maybe.

I can only imagine a Victorian woman time travelling to this generation and being horrified about women not wearing the socially acceptable underwear of her time in spite of it breaking ribs and making breathing more difficult for most women. Because even today apparently a woman's comfort should be trumped by what others think.

NeedAnotherGlass · 26/07/2016 16:02

I just tried my DH's white shirt on without a bra underneath. I am a 34D. My breasts were surprisingly not particularly noticeable. There was a pocket covering one nipple, the other was only noticeable when I pulled the fabric tight. When it was naturally loose fitting and tucked into a skirt, it looked just fine. If I had a tie and blazer on, no-one would ever know.

Floggingmolly · 26/07/2016 16:08

They would if you told them, Need... Which is what everybody seems to be overlooking. It should indeed be possible to pass unremarked as a non bra wearer, but op's dd chooses to be "vocal" about it, ensuring that it in fact doesn't pass unnoticed.
I'm curious as to what the other incidents were, that led to op being asked if her dd had an appropriate female role model...
The fact that she herself was apparently passed over for the role should have told her something about both of them.

Original poster

EmmelineW · 26/07/2016 16:17

I've already told you. It's because I supported her about not going swimming

OP posts:

noeffingidea · 26/07/2016 16:23

I'm sorry, but I agree with the school here. I think appropiate underwear should be included as part of the uniform, and for girls/women that usually includes some form of bra.
My daughter (who has special needs, therefore I have to choose things for her) also hated wearing a bra at first , so I got her the lycra crop tops that are bra shaped. She's used to them now.
I'm probably an old fuddy duddy, but I don't really understand parents like the OP who seem to think just not liking something is grounds for not doing it.

Floggingmolly · 26/07/2016 16:25

But why couldn't she go swimming? If it really was just about sanitary protection, she doesn't have a period every week .

Original poster

EmmelineW · 26/07/2016 16:27

She went the weeks when she wasn't on her period

OP posts:

GladAllOver · 26/07/2016 16:46

I think appropiate underwear should be included as part of the uniform and for girls/women that usually includes some form of bra.

Depends entirely what you mean by appropriate, that can be interpreted in any number of ways which is why it is generally meaningless. Judging from the posts in this thread it could mean almost anything, and teachers could apply any sort of personal judgement.

Even if you specified girls must wear a white bra, there are some bras that might be found 'inappropriate' - excessive push-ups for example. Or would you allow a bra with peep-holes for the nipples?

If you are not careful you could find that children are subject to inspection of their underwear as well as their uniform.

Far better to leave the choice of underwear to the child and her parents.

lljkk · 26/07/2016 16:51

"As someone who rarely wears a bra I understand exactly how she feels.
Is that just too simple for someone to understand?"

it is hard for me to understand, because I luffs my bras & my brain doesn't function if I'm not wearing one. I suppose I have had unpleasant bras in my life. I got some different bras. Sorted. Not that I care any more what OP did or does.

The part of thread that amuses me is folk saying teenage boys shouldn't look (nor should teen girls look?, those that fancy other people's boobs, anyway). I mean, you can totally reasonably ask them to control what they say but asking teens to control their eyes & hormones is pretty unrealistic.

derxa · 26/07/2016 16:56

Not that I care any more what OP did or does
Nonsense doesn't even cover it.

VestalVirgin · 26/07/2016 17:51

Plus it's a stupid point when people say you should wear whatever you're comfortable in and it's other people who have a problem. Is it ok to go around with head uncovered in a Muslim country?

Yes. Yes it is. Absolutely okay. There is no obligation to submit to misogynist attitudes.

Now, it might be dangerous, but it is not wrong.

If Muslims were truly opposed to uncovered hair for religious reasons, their males would cover their hair, too.
I don't respect misogyny.

But good that you mentioned it, there's interesting parallels.

I wonder whether there is a thread on "DD refusing to wear a burqua" in some Muslim equivalent of mumsnet ...

MLGs · 26/07/2016 18:01

I agree with "leave the girl alone to decide her own underwear". I would not leave this alone if I were you op.

milliemolliemou · 26/07/2016 18:12

@bloodyteenagers Sorry that doesn't apply to those of us who are over a B cup. There are no muscles in the breast and none that actively support the breast.
www.healthline.com/human-body-maps/female-chest-muscles

So if OP's daughter is doing any sport or running anywhere then her breasts are best helped with a bra/sports bra/invisible support in a top.

Thomasisintraining · 26/07/2016 19:29

I wonder whether there is a thread on "DD refusing to wear a burqua" in some Muslim equivalent of MN

Yes there probably is some version of this going on somewhere on the world at this very moment. I imagine the views are equally as diverse as this thread.

callmeadoctor · 26/07/2016 22:32

Im amazed, I am 54. 35c bust. I am sat here comfortable with no bra watching tv on my own. There is no way in a million years I would be seen without a bra on, I would be so embarrassed!

callmeadoctor · 26/07/2016 22:36

This is just the new norm of parents giving their child "rights" at school. We have had the "they can wear short skirts" etc as it is their human rights!!! It has just moved on. In the old days, parents would tell you to follow the school rules, now its all changed. IMO your child should do as they are told in school and parents should back the school up.

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