DD's refusing to wear a bra, her Head of Year is saying she isn't allowed at school.

[EmmelineW]

DD is 14 (Yr 9) she tried a bra at 12, hated it and has refused to wear one since. She did try a sports bra, which she wore a couple of times in the day but now refuses and would only wear for PE. She's very confident and popular, so it hasn't ever caused any teasing (she normally makes a joke and is very vocal about not wearing one, she says that if she wasn't, she would be bullied because of it).

She had PE today, which was the first lesson she refused to wear her sports bra, she was told to not take part by her PE teacher - her PE teacher is very 'down with the kids' and mentioned it to her privately.

I would just like to say, previously to this, I was called in to make sure that she had a female role model to talk to about periods/bras as it had come to their attention, that was all cleared up.

Head of Year sent her home today because of it and said she isn't allowed back until she wears one, as it's put under the same category as having a short skirt. Where do we stand with this? Does it come under uniform issues? I'm not really sure what they're saying she can't come back for rule wise.

Am I the only one who feels a little envious of OP's daughter? Going bra-less without looking like Jabba The Hut ceased to be an option about five years ago....

The tart and easy points weren't what that poster thinks NOW its what she would have thought at 14, and what other boys would have thought.

Have any of you met teens? Do you know how judgemental they are ?

I have teen boys.

Thank god they have been raised not to view women as tarts and easy when they aren't wearing a bra.

And she didn't say that is how she would felt when she was a kid... she said

If I was at school now

Yes and teen boys always say what they say to other boys and to girls their own age in front of their mother don't they.

In school there are all sorts of comments made, as part of the pack mentality, parents are either mortified or defensive saying: " my child would never" etc.

You can think that your boys would never say that, you don't know.

"If I was a misogynist, I'd think...."

Nice try.

"If I was at school now"

Which indicates what the teeange attitude would be ffs.

I wouldn't think she's a tart.
Attention seeker yes, tart no.

Either way, we don't dress girls to appease teenage bully boys, do we?

Telling girls how to dress so that some teenage throwbacks don't call them slags is a bit 1950s.

I don't know for sure no. But going by their reactions to things like this I would be very shocked.

I have heard the way they speak about people who use words like 'easy' and 'slut' and my eldest teen is pretty vocal about supporting feminism so I think I'm ok on that score.

Some of us have drummed it into our boys from a young age to talk about girls with respect etc. I'm not going to assume that talk shit about woman out of my earshot.

But the PP said she would feel that way NOW.

About woMen

MuffyTheUmpireSlayer Mon 25-Jul-16 19:58:23

Glad "Free the nipple" is a real campaign, and not one that I personally look down on!

The point is that this girl IS NOT part of that campaign as someone suggested. She simply doesn't want to wear the fucking bra.

For £1 in primark you can buy a tight vest top with the fitted straps, I would tell her that she has to wear a bra or one of those tight vests as a compromise. It's not unusual for girls to challenge the norms, but she needs to learn to respect the decision of authority too. I'm forever rowing with my oldest about appropriate uniform and it often falls on deaf ears but I sympathise that your situation is more sensitive and tricky

I wore a tight ish T-shirt today.

I don't wear a bra. I am small chested but you could clearly see my shape and a bit of nipple shape.

No fucking way am I going to wear a bra cause society says I should.

I agree that she shouldn't have to wear it, and again U2 what children do in front of their parents, and the attitudes they display are very different when away from that.

If they were, then we'd never have to deal with nice children doing very nasty things then would we?

You've left it too late now it's holidays but I think you need to find out more from the pe teacher why she was concerned.
As a c cup I never wore a bra and no one ever noticed so I'd be concerned why it has been (if she is doing the shirt trick it's not because the pe teacher saw)
I suspect it's because she's 'being vocal' about it

Op I'm so sorry your getting horrific things said about your daughter!!

I would stand by my daughter 110% as far as I'm concerned all a bra is going to do is lift them up and maybe make them look perkier!! to the people concerned about the sweet innocent 14 year old boys who maybe be distracted because she let's the girls fly I'm sure perky boobs are far more more appealing!

They can't demand everyone wears a bra as some girls when they start high school haven't hit puberty so what size become so unacceptable? B? C?

It's ridiculous!!

Well the problem is not no braised it. It's a uniform not fit for purpose stupid see through white shirts and people who can't not look at a CHILDS breasts

Not read full thread as too long. But if people could wear their own clothes it wouldn't be a problem.

Uniform causes too much fucking trouble and now there are underwear requests.

Fuck that.

.

On a serious note, you don't want attention drawn to her for 'boob' type reasons.....

No bras

God the sooner this phone gets used to me the better

I agree that she shouldn't have to wear it, and again U2 what children do in front of their parents, and the attitudes they display are very different when away from that.

Well yes, I am well aware of that, but it also possible to get a bloody good idea of what your children are like from hearing their conversations with friends and talking to them.

Mine are no angels, but this is one thing I'm pretty darn sure they wouldn't do based on their reactions to this kind of behaviour, which they have expressed with no prompting from me.

I am not going to say that they probably describe braless girls as 'easy' and 'tarts' because I genuinely believe that is something they wouldn't do.

I have seen them pull people up on it on FB when they had no need to do so to impress me.

So yes, some of us do have teen boys who don't act that way, thank fuck.

Hello, I just saw this article online, it's a response given to a similar question from a child therapist....

Dear Your Teen:
Help! My 16-year-old daughter refuses to wear a bra. Her shirts are tight fitting and my family finds it embarrassing. But she takes the position that society shouldn’t dictate how I dress. Do you have any advice?
Answer:
I’m sorry you are struggling with what your daughter is (not) wearing.
Unfortunately, you can’t force your 16-year-old daughter to abide by your dress code. At her age, all you can do is to open a dialogue about what message she is sending with her clothing (or lack thereof).
Discussing your teen’s dress choices
Consider asking her questions such as:
When you see a classmate dressed in black, with black nail polish and makeup, what message do you think he or she is trying to send?
tWhat about a classmate who is always wearing the latest fashions?
In our society, whether we like it or not, the clothes we choose to wear impacts how people evaluate who you are and what you are about. As gently as possible, ask her what message she would like to send.
How would you like others to “see” you?
What messages would you like to send?
Open her eyes to other perspectives. If comfort is a consideration, can she find a bra that allows her to be comfortable and also presents the image she wants to convey?
It might be hard to live with your daughter’s decision, if you are unable to convince her to wear a bra. Try to find comfort in knowing that this decision, like almost all of her 16-year-old decisions, will change. This stage, like many others, is only temporary

Well maybe you do. But having seen teen boys, from nice homes with good parents who have raised them right, do very, very silly and offensive things, I wouldn't ever be that confident.

I totally agree that uniform causes too many troubles, but when it comes down to it, when you do consultancy with parents its the parents that back it more than the staff! I sometimes feel as teachers we can't win.

As gently as possible, ask her what message she would like to send

Tbf I think we got a much broader view of what a subset of society thinks from this thread than from only one therapist's personal opinion. It appears to vary widely from the women among us who feel the DD should conform to societal expectations at all costs to those who feel bully for her for putting her own personal comfort ahead of societal expectations.

Read the whole thread and my battery of laptop alost went! I ony wt to say I am jealous of the people who can go bra-less and look attractive. So unable to do this! I still feel that taking your bra off at the end of the day is the best feeling ever!
OP Can you contact the education dept of your local authority? The school may be closed by the education dept won`t be. You may be able to get advice there. I did when my son [ 15 yrs ago now] was excluded for using foul language and I needed to know what to do [ not the same scenario but it was the school holidays...he was excluded for a few days and was then the holidays.]