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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD's refusing to wear a bra, her Head of Year is saying she isn't allowed at school.

999 replies

EmmelineW · 21/07/2016 15:40

DD is 14 (Yr 9) she tried a bra at 12, hated it and has refused to wear one since. She did try a sports bra, which she wore a couple of times in the day but now refuses and would only wear for PE. She's very confident and popular, so it hasn't ever caused any teasing (she normally makes a joke and is very vocal about not wearing one, she says that if she wasn't, she would be bullied because of it).

She had PE today, which was the first lesson she refused to wear her sports bra, she was told to not take part by her PE teacher - her PE teacher is very 'down with the kids' and mentioned it to her privately.

I would just like to say, previously to this, I was called in to make sure that she had a female role model to talk to about periods/bras as it had come to their attention, that was all cleared up.

Head of Year sent her home today because of it and said she isn't allowed back until she wears one, as it's put under the same category as having a short skirt. Where do we stand with this? Does it come under uniform issues? I'm not really sure what they're saying she can't come back for rule wise.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
MyMurphy · 21/07/2016 16:05

Crop top style bras, just the job.

AnecdotalEvidence · 21/07/2016 16:05

Unless the tops are see through, I cannot see any justification for this.
Does it have to be a padded bra to ensure there is no visible sign of her having nipples?
What if she wears a thin bra or cami-top and the outline of her nipples are still visible?
Is PE mixed boys & girls? My kids do it in separate groups.
Maybe pasties would be a compromise.

harderandharder2breathe · 21/07/2016 16:06

I do think she should wear one for PE for support, but the rest of the time it's up to her. Does she wear anything under her top at all?

And I would question in what way she is vocal as if she's drawing attention to it and arguing back to teachers THAT should stop although no reason to force a bra

Chillyegg · 21/07/2016 16:07

I think therespecially more to this. Comfort aside is her attire appropriate for school?
She shouldn't have to wear anything she doesn't want to but has she started to make the bra issue a big deal thus creating conflict with teacher

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 21/07/2016 16:07

i do think, sadly, there's an age where this becomes unacceptable.

I worked from home yesterday, it was sweltering. I wore a bikini top and a shirt dress. I got a lot of attention walking anyway because it's clear it's not a proper bra (movement; I guess). I wouldn't be allowed into work like that. I would look under dressed. I don't know if they'd ask me to leave, given the bad press something like that could generate, but I know my career would be affected and I bet I'd suddenly stop going to client sites. I'm a DD - maybe some of my smaller breasted colleagues could get away with it if it was genuinely not noticeable?

We'll get the schools opinion on this anyway, it's perfect for the daily mail.

JackieAndHyde4eva · 21/07/2016 16:07

Would you be happy with my son not wearing pants

Why are you mentioning his genitals?

Are you happy with your son not wearing a bra? Because that is the comparison here? Its not her vulva we are taking about.

RestlessTraveller · 21/07/2016 16:08

www.nhs.uk/Livewell/fitness/Pages/a-sports-bra-can-reduce-breast-pain-during-exercise.aspx

Not the one I was looking for but relevant

DownWithThisSortaThing · 21/07/2016 16:09

To all those saying she shouldn't have to wear a bra

Would you be happy with my son not wearing pants

What difference does it make if your son wears pants or not? Confused
Assuming you mean underpants, how would anyone even know if he wasn't wearing them?

FWIW I don't care if men don't wear underpants - DP doesn't, ever, as he just finds them uncomfortable. You would be able to tell by looking at him.

Armi · 21/07/2016 16:09

There are (at least) two universes.

In one universe, no-one has to wear anything they don't want to and so fucking what if it makes others uncomfortable or there are nipples poking out in class. Everyone should do what they like and let's string up the oppressors who force us into the shackles of convention. Teenaged boys are not remotely interested in or distracted by nipples or wobbling breasts. (Jeremy Corbyn lives in this universe, incidentally.)

In the other universe, people adjust what they wear to the social context they are in. They accept that some things make others uncomfortable or are inappropriate, and understand that if teachers are concerned enough to bother contacting home about an issue then it needs addressing. She needs to wear a bra.

DownWithThisSortaThing · 21/07/2016 16:09

wouldnt! Not would!

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 21/07/2016 16:10

Would you be happy with my son not wearing pants

As long as he's wearing trousers (and usually they're black/grey trousers at school?) then who cares whether he wears pants?

alltouchedout · 21/07/2016 16:10

If your son had trousers or shorts on but no pants underneath, pleasemothermay1, why on earth would I care?
In any case we aren't talking about what the op's daughter wears over her genitals. The issue is whether she should be forced to wear a bra. And as long as she has a shirt/t shirt etc on that isn't see through, what business is it of anyone else?
If I chose not to wear a bra to work and they disciplined me for it I'd tame them to tribunal on the grounds of discrimination based on my sex. I hope OP raises an equivalent complaint to the school and the LA.

LemonySmithit · 21/07/2016 16:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BalloonSlayer · 21/07/2016 16:10

Feminist issues aside, if her bralessness is noticeable enough for a teacher to notice, then it will be causing uproar among the boys. They will be making comments that you would not like to hear in regard to your DD, OP. They will also have no doubt be suggesting to all the other girls in the form that they might like to do the same . . . having loud discussions as to which girls they would most like to see do the same, causing humiliation to those girls, which girls they absolutely wouldn't like to see do the same, causing humiliation to those girls . . .

Yes of course in an ideal world a woman should be able to walk down the street stark naked without attracting comments about her body. But our world isn't ideal. School uniforms are designed with the understanding that the students wearing them will be wearing appropriate underwear, that's why if you don't wear a bra people can see your breasts.

And of course the teachers should stop all the comments. But they have a lesson to teach.

I would stick my neck out here and say that this sounds like massive attention seeking. "Look at my lovely boobs everyone Oi! You're not looking. Look I say! OMG the teachers say I have got to wear a bra that's sooooooo SEXIST."

bloodyteenagers · 21/07/2016 16:10

There's lots of research that shows bra wearing is what causes your problems. You are in pain after excercise because of the bra. None bra wearers won't have the same issues because the have to work to support themselves.

As for pants. Again up to the individual. Some people prefer the freedom of going commando. Self respect doesn't have to include wearing boxers, each person should be confident to dress how they want.

You will pass people in the streets who are commando and you wouldn't know any different depending on what they was wearing.

peppercold · 21/07/2016 16:10

If her school shirt is see through, even slightly then she should wear one. Even is she is confident and vocal.

MissHooliesCardigan · 21/07/2016 16:11

Hasn't term finished now? I know it varies but, if she had school today, tomorrow would surely be the last day? Which means she's been excluded for one day.

LemonBreeland · 21/07/2016 16:11

I'm with Armi

Original poster
EmmelineW · 21/07/2016 16:11

Absolutely, don't share anything about your children's bodies. I'm not trying to encourage that at all, that's exactly why I'm not drawing any kind of attention to what size hers are.

She is vocal about it to her classmates, as she knows that if she was to hide it away, she'd be bullied because of it, which is sad. No, she isn't arguing with the teachers about it, no complaints of rudeness at all.

Yes, sorry, as I didn't expect to get so many replies that quick.

OP posts:
MoggyP · 21/07/2016 16:12

Interesting first post.

I have never heard of a school that attempts to lay down underwear rules, even prescriptive boarding schools.

Is it really in their uniform policy?

MoonfaceAndSilky · 21/07/2016 16:12

I seem to be going against the grain here but for the sake of others I think she should wear one. DD is 11 and wears a crop top, it covers her modesty. I am far from prudish too if that's what you think.

This^
She doesn't have to wear a bra she can wear a crop top - job done. But the fact she is very vocal about it, seems a bit attention seeking strange. You can obviously see her boobs through her tops or else the school wouldn't have mentioned it.

JackieAndHyde4eva · 21/07/2016 16:12

I wonder do the overweight boys have to wear bras for PE?

BolshierAryaStark · 21/07/2016 16:13

Exactly what Balloon said ^^

JackieAndHyde4eva · 21/07/2016 16:14

I bet you can see lots of boy nipples through their shirts too. Bras for everyone!

DownWithThisSortaThing · 21/07/2016 16:14

Crop top style bras, just the job.
Yy, by far the comfiest bra I've ever tried.

Also know a few women who don't wear knickers all the time, but again, you wouldn't be able to tell. Whatever people choose to wear or not wear underneath their clothes doesn't bother me