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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to suspect that this DH is living like a guest in his own home?

338 replies

Madinche1sea · 20/07/2016 13:30

So this morning at breakfast, while DH was "ordering" his particular- style of protein omelette (😐), DD (aged 7) looked at him and said,

"Daddy do you think you're a guest in this house or something?"

Her comment got me thinking, but AIBU to think that DH could, in fact, be making his own breakfast (or dinner or doing anything else housework-related for that matter)?

We have 4 DC under 12 so the mornings are fairly full-on and I tend to need to be super-organised to get everyone out. We have 4 kids in 3 different schools. I should start by saying that I'm SAHM and since our youngest started school last Sept, can get some time to myself in the day now. DH works very long hours and travels a fair bit which is why I'm fine to do most of the house-related stuff. However....

DH does not cook AT ALL. On top of this, he is always involved in some kind of training schedule for some ridiculous event (like running 100 miles in the Sahara or something like this), so is usually on some particular diet which I am expected to cater for. I don't think he's ever ironed anything - I take his shirts/ suits to the dry-cleaners or iron his other stuff, but he never passes comment about how things appear ready to wear in his wardrobe.

I do have a cleaner who comes in twice a week and, to be fair to DH, he always tells me to get her in more so I can take more time for myself. But I don't bother because most of the mess is in the evenings once the kids are in anyway.

If not overseas with work, DH goes to his boxing club one night a week. He plays rugby on Sundays usually, plus goes on early morning runs most days. I don't mind any of this as he has a very stressful job and needs to unwind, but it does make family life more hectic - particularly with morning routines and all the stuff the kids do on weekends.

He usually comes in about 8 ish to "put the kids to bed" ie. joke about with them, cuddles etc once I have actually got them in the beds and everything else is done! Then we will have dinner together. He will usually do a few more hours work after this while I'm clearing up, sorting out kids school clothes and stuff for the next day. We go to bed about 11-12 usually.

I do have to say he is generally very thoughtful and lovely - for instance, he insists on taking me on "date-nights" at least every other week which he organises and books the babysitter for. He is actually better than me at prioritising our relationship and I appreciate this as it can be difficult with 4 kids.

Sometimes though, I feel as if he is living in a parallel universe, with no idea about the logistics of 4 kids, homework, after school clubs, shopping and general life skills. AIBI?

OP posts:
MissMargie · 21/07/2016 18:07

I was a sahm much of the time and life is 'nice' but hardly exhilarating or terribly fulfilling. DCs like having someone to come home to but they also like to have a fun and interesting DM.

I found it hard to combine the two.

BoomBoomsCousin · 21/07/2016 18:57

It's not bad at all. It just isn't love anymore, at least at the moment. Maybe it will come back.

I'm just pointing out how the not working role makes for a weak position within the relationship, though it can make for a strong family package.

tootsietoo · 21/07/2016 20:24

Onesieisthequeensselfie - but I think often (usually?) it's not so much that the woman AGREES to stay at home, more that she ends up doing it by default. The fact that only women could take maternity leave until this year means that the mother is cast in the domestic role straight away, and so if there is a decision to make about who works more it is often easier to decide that the mother will stay at home. I really hope that shared parental leave will help to change the domestic roles.

Onesieisthequeensselfie · 21/07/2016 20:32

tootsie you are right. It was a simplistic way of summarising an often complicated process of decision making.

The real point is that if the partner, who has assumed home duties, has a desire to pursue a life outside of homemaking. A truly supportive partnership/marriage recognises and properly explores those feelings.

Which does not appear to be the case for the OP.

MunchCrunch01 · 21/07/2016 20:54

Hard to unpick these things though: could be her dh thinks that his dw is happy as a sahp and is feeling guilted into returning to work, so it's therefore his job to reiterate how much he values that. If he really just doesn't want to change because of the impact to him, I agree that's unsupportive and selfish - but you can have a lot of conversations in relationships where one person is telling the other what they think they want to hear.

Onesieisthequeensselfie · 21/07/2016 20:57

I did speak with DH about returning to work now that DD2 is in school. I have a professional qualification and was thinking about trying to go back into this area part-time. DH is quite adamsnt he doesn't want this as our lives a complicated enough. He says the children will suffer if I return to work.

This.

Original poster
Madinche1sea · 21/07/2016 20:58

Onesie - At the moment I'm in the early stages of thinking about returning to work. When I discussed it previously with DH, I did feel like he shut me down to be honest, but I think he was imagining it would necessarily mean someone else picking up the kids from school, supporting homework etc and he doesn't want this. I don't either, if I'm pushed, so it will need to be something that can fit into school hours, if possible. My youngest is still only 5.

I will look into the facts now before I raise it with DH again. I don't want to pursue something that would just cause a rift and stress between us. For me, this thread has been like MN therapy - slightly chaotic, but very helpful and informative nonetheless.

I don't expect to be able to have everything exactly how I want it. I think most people have far less choices in life than me. People have said I'm in a "gilded cage" or whatever, but everyone is in some kind of cage I think - usually because they need to make ends meet.

OP posts:
Original poster
Madinche1sea · 21/07/2016 21:12

Also - (and another thing)!- being a SAHM is what you make of it, like any other "job". I've not been bored at all. You just need to get organised. If we lived in the country or somewhere remote I would have no doubt gone out of my mind and couldn't have coped. But we have loads of friends around and we're pretty sociable with busy lives so I think that makes a huge difference.

OP posts:
NannyMarmalade · 21/07/2016 21:12

This thread reeks of Daily Mail, Daily Fail, Daily Heil.

Original poster
Madinche1sea · 21/07/2016 21:16

What do you mean?

OP posts:
Onesieisthequeensselfie · 21/07/2016 21:21

The reason my going back to work has never really been on the cards is that he could potentially make more money in half an hour than I could make in a year or whatever

I don't want to pursue something that would just cause a rift and stress between us

I don't expect to be able to have everything exactly how I want it. I think most people have far less choices in life than me. People have said I'm in a "gilded cage" or whatever, but everyone is in some kind of cage I think - usually because they need to make ends meet.

These three paragraphs really stood out for me madinche for the reason it highlights the power balance in your relationship.

Regarding the last para, with respect, this is nonsense. Your going back to work will not mean that you won't be able to make ends meet. As highlighted by the first statement.

You are obviously in the process of thinking things through and I sincerely wish you all the very best in making the right decisions for you and your family. Only you know what that is. Flowers

NannyMarmalade · 21/07/2016 21:22

Journo?

Original poster
Madinche1sea · 21/07/2016 21:33

Ok well I can confirm that I'm not a DM journo and mostly definitely not a reader either!

Onesie I think you misread what I was trying to say. If I'm in a gilded cage, do you not think other people are in different types of cages? DH could be seen to be in a cage too. It's not like he can just suddenly say, "sod it all" and let thousands of people lose their jobs because he's decided he wants to do something else more fulfilling.

OP posts:
NannyMarmalade · 21/07/2016 21:38
Hmm
Cocoabutton · 21/07/2016 21:40

But he could say 'sod it' to the time-consuming hobbies and spend the time with you.

He could also look at ways of supporting your ambitions, instead of shutting you down.

Original poster
Madinche1sea · 21/07/2016 21:42

Well there you may have a point Cocoa.

OP posts:
Onesieisthequeensselfie · 21/07/2016 21:44

It's not like he can just suddenly say, "sod it all" and let thousands of people lose their jobs because he's decided he wants to do something else more fulfilling.

Well this is a bit melodramatic and unrealistic. IRL if he did, for any reason, decide to jack it all in, the most likely thing a person of his experience and stature would do is sell the business/hand over responsibility to someone else. No-one is THAT irreplaceable.

Onesieisthequeensselfie · 21/07/2016 21:47

It's quite a self important standby to make...

Onesieisthequeensselfie · 21/07/2016 21:48

*inflated statment not standby

Original poster
Madinche1sea · 21/07/2016 21:50

Well yes, he would sell / merge it, but it's not straightforward.

OP posts:
Onesieisthequeensselfie · 21/07/2016 21:52

Look, I'm not suggesting he jacks it all in! But he could def be a lot more supportive.
As cocoa says.

Shizzlestix · 21/07/2016 21:52

Is your DH checking emails etc while waiting for breakfast? I eat and read emails before going to work. I think he should cook his own special requirement breakfast while you deal with your 4 DC, it must be un poco in your house in the mornings.

What will you do when the DCs leave home? I see no reason why you can't start a job when all DCs are at school and get the cleaner in more often. It does sound like a very old fashioned set up.

Original poster
Madinche1sea · 21/07/2016 22:10

I accept he could be more supportive about me returning to work, as I said.

I've already acknowledged up thread that he can hold views that are a bit old fashioned. Not in all areas though, by any means.

A lot of it is just circumstances though.

OP posts:
Parker231 · 22/07/2016 06:36

OP - you sound like you think you need DH's approval to go back to work? Life would obviously be easier if everyone agreed with each other but the real world isn't like that. I'm off on a girls weekend today - we go each year. I don't ask DH 'can I go?' But discuss dates so he is aware of what is happening.

Cocoabutton · 22/07/2016 06:55

To be honest, I think it is a case of thinking about what you want. It is clear that your children will be cared for, you have already given twelve years of your life and you are not going to suddenly stop. But it is not good for anyone if you don't get a chance to fulfil your potential beyond the maternal sphere, if that is what you wish.

The only family I know well close to your circumstances, the DH runs an international company, but he is also very much there in the family - helps set out and make breakfast and dinner, clearing away, bedtimes etc. The mum is very much domestic manager but works very part-time flexible hours. They have an au pair, which might be an option for you if you have space, this means the children are still at home, but it also means there is more flexibity for who is doing homework or taking DC to sports class etc.

That said, there are a good number of families in our area where the mum has given up work for whatever reason, so it is not that unusual. I do think you both need to try to tip the domestic balance back to a more even keel, at least a more respectful one (on your DH's part). You have a perceptive DD.

What about Masters study or OU courses to top up or update your qualifications, which might be a good way to get back into your field? Study could be worked around the kids and it gives a chance to see you as a working, professional person too, then the step to paid work is less (You already work!) and you can see also what support you need.

He will resist, he has a comfortable life with the best bits of family and marriage and none of the (domestic) work. But if you have a strong marriage, then it will grow as you do (and so will he). Good luckFlowers