to suspect that this DH is living like a guest in his own home?

[Madinche1sea]

So this morning at breakfast, while DH was "ordering" his particular- style of protein omelette (😐), DD (aged 7) looked at him and said,

"Daddy do you think you're a guest in this house or something?"

Her comment got me thinking, but AIBU to think that DH could, in fact, be making his own breakfast (or dinner or doing anything else housework-related for that matter)?

We have 4 DC under 12 so the mornings are fairly full-on and I tend to need to be super-organised to get everyone out. We have 4 kids in 3 different schools. I should start by saying that I'm SAHM and since our youngest started school last Sept, can get some time to myself in the day now. DH works very long hours and travels a fair bit which is why I'm fine to do most of the house-related stuff. However....

DH does not cook AT ALL. On top of this, he is always involved in some kind of training schedule for some ridiculous event (like running 100 miles in the Sahara or something like this), so is usually on some particular diet which I am expected to cater for. I don't think he's ever ironed anything - I take his shirts/ suits to the dry-cleaners or iron his other stuff, but he never passes comment about how things appear ready to wear in his wardrobe.

I do have a cleaner who comes in twice a week and, to be fair to DH, he always tells me to get her in more so I can take more time for myself. But I don't bother because most of the mess is in the evenings once the kids are in anyway.

If not overseas with work, DH goes to his boxing club one night a week. He plays rugby on Sundays usually, plus goes on early morning runs most days. I don't mind any of this as he has a very stressful job and needs to unwind, but it does make family life more hectic - particularly with morning routines and all the stuff the kids do on weekends.

He usually comes in about 8 ish to "put the kids to bed" ie. joke about with them, cuddles etc once I have actually got them in the beds and everything else is done! Then we will have dinner together. He will usually do a few more hours work after this while I'm clearing up, sorting out kids school clothes and stuff for the next day. We go to bed about 11-12 usually.

I do have to say he is generally very thoughtful and lovely - for instance, he insists on taking me on "date-nights" at least every other week which he organises and books the babysitter for. He is actually better than me at prioritising our relationship and I appreciate this as it can be difficult with 4 kids.

Sometimes though, I feel as if he is living in a parallel universe, with no idea about the logistics of 4 kids, homework, after school clubs, shopping and general life skills. AIBI?

I feel I just need do the gradual approach though. Strange how I could pretty much ask him to do anything for me in other spheres and he would do it, but I need to be a bit careful here.

This is a bit worrying. Why do you need to be careful of asking him to pitch in more with household chores and looking after his DC? What kind of reaction are you worried about?

I wish SAHP were more respected but it's self-respect you should worry about, and what you model for your DC. I do work FT but I get no respect for it from my family at large, merely annoyance that I miss birthdays quite a bit! Whatever you do with your life, you'll always find people to sneer. I'm not sure the lack of respect isn't partly down to the income differential - so it might not be that you don't work totally, but that your DH earns so much, at least that's what I think it is in our case.

I sometimes think I would Iove to have a wife. Or be the husband in our setup

one thing, as a full time WOHM, that people miss I think is how very very stressful it can be to work FT in a business setting. As a woman I can see both sides, but within an office and a senior leadership

major office politics
backstabbing
major pressure from the Board and shareholders, you are never making enough
having to lead and motivate
the sheer mental strews of handling this for 12 hours plus every day
Flying, having to take all of your work shit, get through airport security, sit on a flight (yes in BC) and then get off tired, and to be worth $4000 per day and make effective deals
Being responsible for the men and woman that work for you, knowing that if sales drop 10% that's 20 people that need to be downsized- that's the hard part
Knowing that you are responsible for HSSEW and security, and if your people get hurt, you are in court

Its not easy, and I see it here and I dent envy them it. Not one bit.

I think if you are not a tough and resilient character it can really make you ill and stressed

yy I agree stop the sheer inter-personal not-needed nastiness of DH's work is something that would get me down, I couldn't do it. I wouldn't want DH's job. Some people think travelling for work and being put up nice hotels is glamorous but the conference dinners are always not enough food, unhealthy food, awful wine so that when you're trying to make sense the next day you're hungover, jetlagged and homesick.

ScaredofAIBU - I guess it's just that he deals with all the kinds of things stopfuckingshouting lists - and more than that tbh. So I always tried to take the pressure off him at home. In the past there's definitely been periods when he's been a bit too close to the edge, but he will bottle things up and doesn't talk about it at home so as not to impact me. Even though I know anyway if he's stressed. So I feel a kind of responsibility to balance things out and I don't want him to feel like I'm suddenly on his case.

Also things are getting easier these days, both in terms of his work pressures and the DC. But I do hear that I need to think about the future.

its like game of thrones

I just managed o get the juice on our board meeting yesterday, and its lucking brutal.

you don't think sitting at desk it tiring but its mentally draining

if I have day off with the DC I am tired but its different

and you HAVE TO do sports as otherwise, how do you get that toxicity out

i agree, my DH walks miles and miles to calm himself down when he's had a particularly bad day, the sports part is a healthy way to process all of it.

Batteries - I know if there was a crisis he would sort it if humanly possible and he'd do whatever he needed to do to support me. I'm sorry to hear you had a stressful time.

I don't care too much about the sports and all that stuff as I've never known him any other way. I think he must have toned it down when the DCs were babies, but it's all a bit of a blur.

You can have all the politics and pressure in a minimum wage, zero hours job. It might not be million dollar deals but the stress is still there. I know which I'd rather have!

Op this is a fab position. Dc in school, plenty of money for cleaners, housekeepers, after school clubs, childminders, time saving dinners etc. You are presumably well qualified and have a profession which could easily fit round school hours and holidays. Why not approach a children's mental health charity or your dcs schools and see if there's something you could do with them in September? I'm sure you can teach dh to make an omelette if he is so clever and driven etc :)

I am a single parent and I have a senior job, run my own business, employ 30 people. Nobody makes me an omelette. Because I am a grown up.

I really do see the stress of working outside the home - but I chose this life. I really don't buy all the stuff about the stress of work meaning you don't have to contribute emotionally or practically elsewhere. Yes work can be incredibly stressful. I have many sleepless nights about our business. But I am also a dedicated parent, daughter, friend.

Anyone can be a hot shot at work when everything at home is laid out for them. Frankly I find it unbecoming in a grownup to let someone else run your family because you have a challenging job.

I find it extremely difficult to sympathise with very highly paid people who complain about stress at work. Presumably you aren't in it for altruistic reasons?

I sympathise no more with a FTSO 100 CEO than I do with an unemployed mother of 5 DC

well, maybe I empathise more with the Mum
but in any adults relationship, more empathy and understanding and less stereotyping is useful.

Mmme, all depends on what you want in life doesn't it.
DH is very senior and could be away a lot more. I work (as a psychologist actually) 4 days spread out so I can do 3 pick ups. House related stuff is split equally (and I do mean equally, in fact dh may do more).
But we chose this. I'm a feminist as is dh, I just could not accept the gender roles you have chosen. We are both parents, they get parented by both of us (homework support, clubs etc) it's not just my job because I've got a uterus... But if it works for you and you are happy to model that for your children then carry on. If you want to change it you're in a very fortunate position. As a child psychologist in London (admittedly with some work on reaccreditation) you will find flexible private / locum work with no problem...
Good luck with whatever you decide

OP, I know so many set-ups similar to yours.

Bright woman meets wealthy professional man. Man wants an intelligent and capable wife to stay at home, raise children and run household.
Woman likes the idea of this lifestyle, and agrees.
They marry, have dcs and for a few years (especially whilst dcs are tiny) this set-up works.
Then slowly the woman begins to rediscover herself, especially since dcs are in school and less immediately dependent on her. She starts to think about going back to work and is excited to find an identity outside of the family.
Man is against this idea as it will mean he and the family will no longer have undivided attention and focus.

As you probably already know, you are a kept woman OP. And the trappings may be extremely pleasant but strip it down and they are exactly that - trappings. The golden handcuffs.

If your DH does not want you to fulfill your potential and have a life of your own then in my book he is not a supportive husband. No matter how nice the house, holidays, how many cleaners he offers. A truly supportive partner is as supportive of YOUR life as you are to his, and does not suppress or repress your needs.

It also sounds as though your dd, on some level, is resentful of the idea that men are to be "served".

Money is very useful, nobody will disagree with that. But life is not all about money and your not having as much earning potential as your DH absolutely DOES NOT mean that his job is more important than your very worthy field of qualification.

Oh god Onesie - that makes it sound depressing!

Sorry madinche

It's just that from your posts, reading between the lines, it sounds as though you are living in your DH's bubble where he is King and you are his consort and mother to his heirs.

If you are happy with this sole role in life then that's absolutely fine. But the fact that you have even posted about this, it sounds as though somewhere inside you, you are yearning for more life fulfilment. And if he stubbornly refuses to recognise that then there it is, ultimately, the possible deal breaker. Maybe not immediately but later on, when the children have grown up and you have time to reflect.

Get more help in the house but don't begrudge your DH his omelette if that is the love, care and attention he wants.

Bobo -it's not just omelettes he wants

I need to give things some thoughts.

I think Spain and the UK have very different cultures, and this set-up does not seem so out of the norm for you OP because it is far more common there to have the men as providers.
My brother married a Spanish woman so that he could have this set-up - everything domestic is her remit, he funds it. He grew up in a completely egalitarian household where everyone contributed to work at home, regardless of age or gender, and I suppose this is his rejection of that. His wife is lovely, absolutely gorgeous, but I wonder what will happen once the children have left home. He is already making jokes about swapping her for a new model

To be honest, in a sentence.

It sounds like you have it very very good.

yes!!!! My Italian in laws are like this, they love to serve their men. and they are all SAHM. The men just sit there, drink and fag in hand and get served. I have never seen them clear the table. ever

they ask me "what did you cook today" and I answer fuck off you servile twats erm, pasta? yet again

Machi - yes well there is an element of cultural difference. Especially when you compare London to rural Spain. DS' mother was Iranian (Christian) and his father was Argentinian and a total nutter.

Actually where we live is quite a Italian, Spanish / general Euro community. There are A LOT of women in my position, often expat too.

E1y - yes thanks for the reality check

(Gets a grip)

Madinche sorry to respond late, I'm on a different time zone at the moment. He would pay maintenance for the children while they were in school if I were happy to be a single parent and I would get, I presume, half of our wealth at the moment. But if I were a single parent it would be difficult, maybe impossible, to build much of a career at this point, so my earning potential would be fairly paltry when they left home (and there was no more maintenance).

To get out of it means either my DC have virtually no-one around during their teen years while I try and build a career again, or I sacrifice my financial position. If I stay, then once my children have left home if I or my DH decide to end things then I get half our wealth, but my earning potential will be next to nothing, and his, built on the back of my support at home, will still be very high. So it is a weak position in the relationship.

Sorry to hear this. Do you think you can stay with him until the children leave - how bad is it?