Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel judged and dismissed for marrying into wealth?

231 replies

marriedapple · 19/07/2016 17:48

I know I am going to be flamed for this but oh well.. here it goes! I NC for this as I don’t want to risk to be recognized.

I recently got married to my DH after dating for over 5 years. We met while studying abroad and are originally from different countries and cultures. We now live in the UK.

DH’s family is very wealthy. Not “private jet and yacht” kind of wealthy but definitely several millions in the bank plus many properties in top-class cities like London, New York and so on.

We don't life off DH's family wealth and we don't intend to do so, however we could afford not to work if that was what we wanted. The only consistent advantage we have thanks to DH's family is that they gifted us a property to live in so we are mortgage and rent free. Otherwise, we pay for everything out of our earnings.

I come from a solid middle class background, dad is a doctor and mum is a uni professor. We always had a comfortable life and we certainly were privileged compared to most people, but absolutely nothing compared to DH’s family and upbringing.

So here’s my dilemma: even though I come from a comfortable background too, I feel like some people judge me for “marrying up” and I hate coming across as a gold digger! In fact, I’ve always been a very independent and strong woman, I work ft and I support myself. I married my DH entirely out of love.

For example a relative of mine casually dropped a comment last weekend about how lucky I am to have married my DH and that now I am set for life. A coworker recently told me (while discussing over lunch future performance review and salary raises) that I am so lucky for not really needing a salary raise since DH is so wealthy (we are close so she knows details about my life). For God’s sake! If my work performance is good, surely I deserve a salary as much as the next person Angry

So my question is: AIBU to feel judged and dismissed as a woman who married into wealth?

OP posts:
Original poster
marriedapple · 21/07/2016 14:55

ailith I don't see why you need to be so rude.

OP posts:
tangerino · 21/07/2016 14:58

Calm down, OP- he's not Bill Gates Wink

RosasBitch · 21/07/2016 15:37

ailith - what's your opinion on it other than is the OP is for real?

Roussette · 21/07/2016 15:58

Blimey it must be me then, I can easily bat away questions I don't want to answer, surely most people can?!

I've been asked my salary, how we pay for this and that, how much my DCs earn etc etc - by the time I've finished wittering on about nothing in particular without answering, the person who posed the question in the first place has lost the will to live. Grin

BitOutOfPractice · 21/07/2016 16:44

Rosas lots of people have been able to suggest very bland answers throughout the thread. It's not hard.

areyoubeingserviced · 21/07/2016 17:28

If you REALLY don't want people to know how wealthy you are it can be done.
My Dh owns his own business and in recent years things have got much better for us financially .
Despite this we have chosen not to move house , all our children go to local state schools and we are very discreet.
I know others who love to display their wealth and often encounter jealousy from others.

AppleSetsSail · 21/07/2016 17:46

You know it and any Londoner will know it. No matter where you live in London, no matter how incredibly wealthy the area 1. There will be council housing, rougher areas etc 2. No matter where you live in London, walk 500 yards in one direction, and you will likely find yourself in a very different kind of place. Just off the top of my head, take Kensington. Walk ten minutes are you're in Earls Court. Maida Vale, 5 minute walk and you're in Kilburn. So it would have been so easy to answer the colleague without revealing that your dh's family gifted it to you.

Agreed. Unless a co-worker is actually at your doorstep, It's incredibly easy to obfuscate your neighbourhood.

I don't believe that you were unaware of your husband's wealth for 1.5 years, unless you've dramatically exaggerated the scale of it.

Original poster
marriedapple · 21/07/2016 17:54

"I don't believe that you were unaware of your husband's wealth for 1.5 years, unless you've dramatically exaggerated the scale of it."

And why wouldn't you believe me? We met while studying abroad and there were no connections to our backgrounds back at home. We were just two normal uni students living in a student dorm.

Funny how mumsnetters don't believe me when I say that people
in real life are judgemental, and then I get exactly that attitude even on this forum. This really shows what kind of attitude you (sometimes) get in a position like mine

OP posts:
PortiaCastis · 21/07/2016 17:57

You don't have to tell anyone about family wealth just redirect the conversation if a person is prying

AppleSetsSail · 21/07/2016 18:05

OP, I understand your position very well. It seems obvious to me that you've invited judgement by being overly disclosive. Just learn from it and move on.

And yes, it strikes me as nigh on impossible that you can be intimately involved with someone for 1.5 years and not get a sense of the kind of background they have. Your co-worker has managed to cotton on to the fact that you've married into money, but you couldn't figure this out in 1.5 years of pillow talk with your now-husband? Come on.

You're being disingenuous and it kind of makes you sound like one of these silly WAGs who claims to have not known that their boyfriend was a premiere league footballer when they met at a club in Ibiza. I realise that probably sounds harsh but it's true.

tofutti · 21/07/2016 18:07

DH's family is very traditional. They clearly told us they will leave their estate to their children. In fact, since DH is the only son, I would not be surprised if my PILs left him the biggest share of their estate ( I personally wouldn't agree with this practice and I hope DH and SIL will receive fair shares, but knowing my PILs I can definitely see something like that happen)

OP, you obviously are an over-sharer! Grin

I'm not sure why you've volunteered that your DH will probably get the biggest share of the estate. Why is it relevant?

AppleSetsSail · 21/07/2016 18:13

DH's family is very traditional. They clearly told us they will leave their estate to their children. In fact, since DH is the only son, I would not be surprised if my PILs left him the biggest share of their estate ( I personally wouldn't agree with this practice and I hope DH and SIL will receive fair shares, but knowing my PILs I can definitely see something like that happen)

Just like the old aristocratic families of Britain do. Wink

PortiaCastis · 21/07/2016 18:15

Oh God think of the inheritance tax.

Original poster
marriedapple · 21/07/2016 18:23

"I'm not sure why you've volunteered that your DH will probably get the biggest share of the estate. Why is it relevant?"

A PP suggested that my PILs may decide to leave everything to charity and I said I think that is unlikely to happen.

OP posts:
AppleSetsSail · 21/07/2016 18:25

So, are your parents-in-law non-doms then?

Original poster
marriedapple · 21/07/2016 18:28

Apple PILs are not British and they don't live in the UK. They live in their country of origin.

OP posts:
KindDogsTail · 21/07/2016 18:37

You are not being unreasonable for feeling judged and dismissed as some people will be jealous and resent you. Just ignore them though.

There is a level of comfort and wealth below which people's lives are difficult and miserable, but after that level it is all just a matter of degree in my mind. For example, the difference between having only say 16,000 a year and 40,000, not in monetary terms but in terms of feeling life has choices, is much greater than the difference between someone with 40,000 and the whatever the Queen (and you?) have, however many millions more that may be.

And think of all of the poor to average people here in the UK, even the poorest of whom are rich in life choices compared to some third world people. Any person of average/above income who carps on at you is forgetting they too hold golden spoons in terms of the world at large.

For what it's worth I do not think you are a gold digger, and I hope you and your husband will have a happy and fulfilling life together.

Onesieisthequeensselfie · 21/07/2016 18:48

OP, the reason why you're getting hostile responses here is because whether you mean to/are aware of it, or not, the manner in which you describe "your situation" as you describe it, does come across as a kind of superiority complex.

I'm sure that some here, myself included, have acquaintances who are seriously wealthy. From birth/marriage or self made.

But it is in the way it is presented that forms the opinion of those around you.

Original poster
marriedapple · 21/07/2016 19:11

Onesies I apologize if I came across as feeling superior. That is certainly not the way I feel.

English is not my native language so I sometimes have trouble expressing nuanced concepts.

OP posts:
Onesieisthequeensselfie · 21/07/2016 19:23

No need to apologise married, just giving you my opinion on the thread Flowers

It does seem, though, that you have some discomfort around the subject of "wealth". What does that mean to you? Money? Life fulfilment? What is "living the dream"?

People have different ideas of what being rich means. Yes, a desire for money is a common denominator. But for lots of people it really isn't the be all and end all.

If you focus on the perceived idea (it really doesn't matter whether it is real or not) that being married into money brings resentment then that will be your experience of people.

PacificDogwod · 21/07/2016 19:28

If you focus on the perceived idea (it really doesn't matter whether it is real or not) that being married into money brings resentment then that will be your experience of people.
That is pretty much what I was trying to say upthread.
How you are feeling says more about your own relationship to 'having married up' than other people's opinions.

Enjoy your lucky position in life.
Don't feel you have to justify or explain anything to randoms.

I think the above mentioned discretion and graciousness are also good ways of dealing with remarks made.

Original poster
marriedapple · 21/07/2016 19:34

Thank you pacific and onesie, I think your advices are on spot. I should stop feeling guilty/ embarassed, I have done nothing wrong! I should also learn how to avoid embarassing questions and practice discretion more.

Thank you all for your inputs! You gave me a lot of food for thoughts, which ultimately is the reason why I started this thread on msn.

OP posts:
JapaneseSlipper · 21/07/2016 19:47

"OP, you have been boasting... there is incredible wealth in London. A few million in the bank? Quite honestly, nothing hugely out of the ordinary. "

Enjoyingthepeace, you aren't coming across the way I think you wanted to.

OP, obviously you heard the tone of these comments so would know best. But I do think that people are just stating the truth, or the truth as they see it. Doesn't sound judgey to me.

Enjoy the cash! (I would!)

Nataleejah · 21/07/2016 19:52

It depends a lot how you act and treat other people. If you are rude to waiters or cleaners for example, that will sure cause resentment.

whirlwinds · 21/07/2016 20:24

My family is wealthy and has been for many years. Most people have no idea, only family knows how much money there is and best kept like that.