to feel judged and dismissed for marrying into wealth?

[marriedapple]

I know I am going to be flamed for this but oh well.. here it goes! I NC for this as I don’t want to risk to be recognized.

I recently got married to my DH after dating for over 5 years. We met while studying abroad and are originally from different countries and cultures. We now live in the UK.

DH’s family is very wealthy. Not “private jet and yacht” kind of wealthy but definitely several millions in the bank plus many properties in top-class cities like London, New York and so on.

We don't life off DH's family wealth and we don't intend to do so, however we could afford not to work if that was what we wanted. The only consistent advantage we have thanks to DH's family is that they gifted us a property to live in so we are mortgage and rent free. Otherwise, we pay for everything out of our earnings.

I come from a solid middle class background, dad is a doctor and mum is a uni professor. We always had a comfortable life and we certainly were privileged compared to most people, but absolutely nothing compared to DH’s family and upbringing.

So here’s my dilemma: even though I come from a comfortable background too, I feel like some people judge me for “marrying up” and I hate coming across as a gold digger! In fact, I’ve always been a very independent and strong woman, I work ft and I support myself. I married my DH entirely out of love.

For example a relative of mine casually dropped a comment last weekend about how lucky I am to have married my DH and that now I am set for life. A coworker recently told me (while discussing over lunch future performance review and salary raises) that I am so lucky for not really needing a salary raise since DH is so wealthy (we are close so she knows details about my life). For God’s sake! If my work performance is good, surely I deserve a salary as much as the next person

So my question is: AIBU to feel judged and dismissed as a woman who married into wealth?

To be honest you are set for life. That's your good fortune. You can hardly be surprised if those who know they're going to have to struggle every day for the rest of their lives feel rather envious. I think the onus is on you to recognise that your good fortune places you in a privileged position and be gracious towards those who are not.

I was laid-off from my previous position last year and I really hope it won't happen to me again because it is quite frankly horrible.

It is presumably this kind of thing that is annoying people, OP - the primary reason that being made redundant is 'quite frankly horrible' for most people is that they don't have your cushion, and they are immediately, or almost so, unable to pay the bills and put food on the table! For you, being laid off isn't a financial problem, so, even if you were personally upset because you liked your job, 'frankly horrible' sounds self-dramatising and out to lunch, to be perfectly obvious.

Calm down with the 'Oooh, I'm just the same as you, only with a house I didn't buy and a bank card I wouldn't dream of using!' Be rich, but stop pretending that the money worries that plague most people's lives make them anything like you. Like it or not, it's a huge dividing factor, because you simply don't have to worry about a lot of the stuff they worry about.

I'm not remotely jealous of wealth, but enough of the 'down with the people' stuff. It suggests either conscious fakeness or as if you're too thick to see the difference between your life and the vast majority.

I don't think you are too thick, but you seem to be complaining that not everyone is prepared to pretend you're just like everyone else.

I agree with everyone who advises keeping as quiet as possible. We have paid off our mortgage but have told barely anyone. A lot of that was down to luck - getting on the ladder at the right time etc (and also having two full time good salaries and saving hard). No one would guess as we live fairly modestly. We haven't been on holiday for three years for example.
We save everything we would spend on a mortgage as we will want to extend our house (basement conversion so £££) without having to borrow. I know how fortunate we are and that others work as hard as we do but have less and it wouldn't seem fair.
I definitely haven't mentioned it at work as I want my pay rises and bonuses to reflect merit, not "need". My boss moans about his huge mortgage and I don't want my personal situation to colour his view of what I deserve.
I also find that if people think you are well off they assume you "ought to" subsidise their social life by buying all the drinks, cab fares etc. It's not the actual money but the assumption that gets on my tits. So I keep quiet.

How was op supposed to answer "so wherabouts do you live?" Was she supposed to say "im not telling you. Its a secret"?

'So whereabouts do you live?' is not a difficult question.
An area doesn't describe whether you are renting a bed sit or own a mansion.
And there are lots of reasons why you can live in an area which are covered by 'yes, we are really lucky. It's a nice area'

I was in a similar situation where I think DH's family thought I'd married up. They were in for a shocker when they discover my family actually has as much wealth as they do. It just isn't flaunted in the same way

Are people really surrounded by people who interrogate them when they clearly give a deliberately vague reply?

Ive never once, in a decade, been forced to explain to anyone how we can afford to live here, nor the status of my mortgage.

Of course she doesn't say where she lives is a classified secret, but as a pp said, even a wildly expensive London address like Chelsea or Mayfair or Hampstead has council housing, and I can think of several people I know who were living in glossy-sounding places but as longterm housesitters/squatters/paying a peppercorn rent to some family member/had moved into the house of deceased parents bought for a song in the 1970s etc etc - I'd be surprised if anyone automatically turned a glossy area of London into 'you must be rich' if there were no other suggestive factors. For all we know the OP turns up to work dripping in diamonds on a daily basis...

So here’s my dilemma: even though I come from a comfortable background too, I feel like some people judge me for “marrying up” and I hate coming across as a gold digger! In fact, I’ve always been a very independent and strong woman, I work ft and I support myself. I married my DH entirely out of love.

There is no dilemma, you both work, love each other and are lucky enough to have been gifted a house and know that if things go wrong with your jobs or God forbid health, you have a great safety net.
A lot of people would love a dilemma like this, me included
It's a non issue unless you make it one.

How was op supposed to answer "so wherabouts do you live?" Was she supposed to say "im not telling you.

Ignoring questions you don't want to answer can work.

Or say where is - then how do you afford that question- stare down and ignore or say it's private/complicated or we were lucky but then don't elaborate and any further question firmly say you don't want to discuss it.

Actually the how do you afford that is a rude question - though when you get caught on the hop it easy to get drawn into answering stuff you don't really want to.

I'd love to have been given a house our mortgage and rent has always been our highest outgoing. When we've lost jobs we've had many sleepless night about losing the roof over our head. So you are lucky in that respect.

However reading thread on here most people in the position of having paid off the house have lost a parent very early or a spouse - which isn't enviable or have worked their asses in some way or won lottery or other windfall.

Your location could have been possible due to you could be living with relatives or weighed down by a massive mortgage lots of possible explication which were no body else's business - you really didn't have to explain.

I think the OP is getting a hard time here. Yes, obviously you shouldn't discuss your personal wealth with your colleagues, but she hasn't done that. People at work chat - you do know where your colleagues live, if their kids go to private schools, if their spouse also works etc etc. It is just part of normal social interaction and you look aloof and antisocial if you don't participate in that. Over time, you do piece together a picture of someone's life and how well off they are. As someone else said, what's she supposed to do when a colleague asks her where she lives? Say she doesn't want to answer the question? She'd look like a weirdo. If she says "Chelsea", then obviously she's living off more money than she's earning.

Also - do not forget that some people are bloody nosey and obsessed with what everyone else has. I had one mother at school tell me (she was amused by it, but still) that one little shit in her DDs class had been telling everyone that her DD had a small house and that my DD had a big house. How the hell he would know that I do not know as my DD is in a different class and this child/family have never been to our house. I don't think I've even ever had a conversation with his mother. I suspect a bit of address googling down the contact list.... Wouldn't be surprised if the OP's colleague hasn't done the same!

Or say where is - then how do you afford that question- stare down and ignore or say it's private/complicated or we were lucky but then don't elaborate and any further question firmly say you don't want to discuss it.

That's fine in theory, but in practice - a) you look a bit snooty and b) everyone will be gossiping in the canteen that your husband is a drug dealer/master criminal of some sort!

Ive never once, in a decade, been forced to explain to anyone how we can afford to live here, nor the status of my mortgage.

We've lived in generally poor areas - so we get asked about other things.

I got thoroughly questioned about how we afforded a UK holiday - by someone, friends' husband, who went to Spain every year - think there impression was we should have been to poor to have afford that but it was our one luxury. Vague answers didn't work with him and I had to get rude like him.

Once got asked by potential buyers viewing our last home - If we mean to have three children - I was like wtf of course we did.

(It was a three bed semi - 2 very big doubles and a good sized single with loads of down stairs space and garden -so it's not like kids were stuck in a cupboard under the stairs - didn't even need bunk beds)

People can be very persistently nosy.

You don't need to be snooty though. Answers like

We were lucky
We had family help
We bought at the right time

Would suffice.

Even-'my husband killed a gangster and stole his house'-said with a smile and a change of subject would do!!

OP, I think you have to acknowledge your luck but equally it isn't any of anyone else's business. Try to develop a thicker skin.

I have NC too, cowardly you might say, but I don't want to be outed. My DH and I have the kind of wealth you mention in your post (planes, boats, houses around the world etc). But we made it ourselves and we're young, so that brings issues.

I don't tell people the ins and outs, no social media etc but equally I can't hide what I have from close friends when they come to stay. Only my best friends and parents really know the full extent though. Maybe it's different because we made it ourselves but I feel no need to justify myself and no guilt. Talking about money isn't shameful (I do it with my DCs so they know how life comes about) but boasting is. I don't hide what I have but I don't flaunt it.

Acknowledge your luck. It doesn't insulate you from unhappiness and illness though (which many like to believe). You are also not in control of your PIL's money so it's not your concern. My DC know (the ones old enough that is) we will be supporting their education and assisting with house deposits but that's it. Everything else we have made will go to charity.

Well you are bloody lucky arnt you op.

Smile and nod and keep remembering how lucky you are to have love and financial security instead of moaning.

Many many people never find both.

Can't begin to imagine leaving my money to charity and not to my kids.

That's fine in theory, but in practice - a) you look a bit snooty and b) everyone will be gossiping in the canteen that your husband is a drug dealer/master criminal of some sort!

As oppose to gossiping that OP having married her DH for money? Or speculating that OP career isn't important because she married into a rich family?

People gossip - less information they have usually the better it is - though obviously not always true.

Beside the OP doesn't have a time machine to go back and not answer the questions so I guesses she'll have to practise being gracious and if it does start to affect her career - complain to HR or move on to a new work place.

This might sound bad but, if you really dont need a raise wouldnt you feel better if someone else who needed it more got it instead of you?

My DC know (the ones old enough that is) we will be supporting their education and assisting with house deposits but that's it. Everything else we have made will go to charity.

DH's family is very traditional. They clearly told us they will leave their estate to their children. In fact, since DH is the only son, I would not be surprised if my PILs left him the biggest share of their estate ( I personally wouldn't agree with this practice and I hope DH and SIL will receive fair shares, but knowing my PILs I can definitely see something like that happen)

Rheagal

That's unfortunate for you.
My point was that whilst I've been asked intrusive questions ive never been forced to reply. I've never had someone so persistently nosy that I've had to explain myself. I'm not even sure how that would happen.
If, as you say, people are persistently nosy I think it's justified to, as you say, be equally rude in reply. That still doesn't necessitate the 'yes I do live in a really expensive area and a really expensive house and my in laws paid for it' reply that the op felt obliged to give which caused her problems.

I've managed to avoid giving anything like that info to people sitting in my kitchen

See, I don't believe anyone needs to inherit vast wealth. I knew I wouldn't and so I had to push myself, no waiting for money to come to me, much like Bill Gates' or Warren Buffet's approach. With wealth comes responsibility, Americans are much better that philanthropy than us I think.

I could leave my children enough not to do anything their whole lives, have a very 'high' lifestyle and I think that's wrong. And from my background, school and university fees (if you want to go) and help with housing is a vast inheritance.

Rheagal
"That's fine in theory, but in practice - a) you look a bit snooty and b) everyone will be gossiping in the canteen that your husband is a drug dealer/master criminal of some sort!

As oppose to gossiping that OP having married her DH for money? Or speculating that OP career isn't important because she married into a rich family?

People gossip - less information they have usually the better it is - though obviously not always true.

Beside the OP doesn't have a time machine to go back and not answer the questions so I guesses she'll have to practise being gracious and if it does start to affect her career - complain to HR or move on to a new work place."

Totally agree with all of that.

It's not difficult to conceal wealth from co-workers if you really want to. You were foolish to tip your hand at work, there are any number of things you could have said (including nothing) to avoid the scenario you've described.

My point was that whilst I've been asked intrusive questions ive never been forced to reply. I've never had someone so persistently nosy that I've had to explain myself. I'm not even sure how that would happen.

True - though it can take a bit of practise to know how to deal with it when point on spot especially if you've been brought up a people pleaser - and realisation it's okay to be politely rude back when they persist.