to feel judged and dismissed for marrying into wealth?

[marriedapple]

I know I am going to be flamed for this but oh well.. here it goes! I NC for this as I don’t want to risk to be recognized.

I recently got married to my DH after dating for over 5 years. We met while studying abroad and are originally from different countries and cultures. We now live in the UK.

DH’s family is very wealthy. Not “private jet and yacht” kind of wealthy but definitely several millions in the bank plus many properties in top-class cities like London, New York and so on.

We don't life off DH's family wealth and we don't intend to do so, however we could afford not to work if that was what we wanted. The only consistent advantage we have thanks to DH's family is that they gifted us a property to live in so we are mortgage and rent free. Otherwise, we pay for everything out of our earnings.

I come from a solid middle class background, dad is a doctor and mum is a uni professor. We always had a comfortable life and we certainly were privileged compared to most people, but absolutely nothing compared to DH’s family and upbringing.

So here’s my dilemma: even though I come from a comfortable background too, I feel like some people judge me for “marrying up” and I hate coming across as a gold digger! In fact, I’ve always been a very independent and strong woman, I work ft and I support myself. I married my DH entirely out of love.

For example a relative of mine casually dropped a comment last weekend about how lucky I am to have married my DH and that now I am set for life. A coworker recently told me (while discussing over lunch future performance review and salary raises) that I am so lucky for not really needing a salary raise since DH is so wealthy (we are close so she knows details about my life). For God’s sake! If my work performance is good, surely I deserve a salary as much as the next person

So my question is: AIBU to feel judged and dismissed as a woman who married into wealth?

We also live in a beautiful, listed cottage and are mortgage free, due to my OH's well off parents. I am lucky enough to only have to work part time as a result, although my OH works full time.

I have never experienced any jealously though!

It doesn't matter who you discuss your financial details with...They always think you are a twat because they either have a lot less and are pissed off or a lot more and they are laughing at you.

I'm not in the same financial boat by any means but I do get fed up with certain colleagues who constantly enquire about our finances. They do know what DH does for a living and make make massive assumptions. I give nothing away but constantly fed up with " you should take annual leave during school holidays because you can afford it" and " I need the overtime and you don't", " you don't know what it is like to have to work for a living", " why do you work when you don't have to?" Frustrating and saddening.

Well technically she's right. You don't need a raise. You might deserve it or want it but you don't need it.
And if you were denied a raise purely because you're well off that would be wrong.

A coworker recently told me (while discussing over lunch future performance review and salary raises) that I am so lucky for not really needing a salary raise since DH is so wealthy (we are close so she knows details about my life)

That's not quite the same story as her asking once how you afforded to live where you live and then banging on about his assumed wealth.

How could you both afford not to work if you didn't want to, OP? Genuine question.

-bloody hell, how the hell did you manage to get a flat in Kensington Palace?

OP smiles sweetly,
-my inlaws gifted it to us

But you are lucky. You could have fallen in love with a penniless person but you fell in love with a stupendously wealthy person. Good for you.

I think you really need to develop a thicker skin because this is going to happen to you your whole life if you do 'normal' jobs. Incidentally, as your stupendously wealthy DH has been dealing with this for his whole life, I suspect he may be able to give you a few tips.

Money or talk of wealth same drives some normally rational people loopy.

You need to adjust to your circumstances and stop worrying about what other people think.

People can have enormous incomes from property and investment that mean they never actually need to leave the house to earn money.

Do people not really know this? That's how the aristocracy and very wealthy make most of their cash

Your work colleague was unreasonable to bring it up when you were talking about career progression.

But really, biting your tongue about the odd comment doesn't seem too hard. And sorry, OP, YANBU for being a bit pissed off, but YABU for expecting much sympathy. You married the man you love and don't need to worry about money. It's not a bad situation

But your DH isn't actually wealthy is he?

If he doesnt take any money from his family and you live off your own wages and have only ever been gifted the house. Id just say actually it's not my husband that's wealthy it's his family. yes we were gifted the house which we appreciate but other than that we provide for ourselves.

You aren't a gold digger because he has a normal job and isn't living off his family.

Does he have a brother? (misses point of thread)

Just because you don't chose to live off his family's wealth, doesn't mean you aren't lucky

Because you have a safety net.

I went to uni with a trustifarian who delighted in telling us how she was in the same boat as us because she never dipped into her trust and lived off her student job just like us

No! it wasn't just like us, because she was doing it by choice, and if something unexpected happened she had a safety net, those of us with only £20 till the end of the month and no way of getting any more should anything unexpected happen had stresses she didn't have!

She didn't dip into her trust fund because she enjoyed living like a student on student wages, for pride or fun or whatever, the rest of us had to - it was totally different and it REALLY grated when she constantly reminded us how she was just the same as us because she chose to live on a tight budget.

If she didn't keep banging on about it, it wouldn't have been a problem

I also think that there are still people who think of dual income families as 'greedy' for having two jobs, and automatically assume that the wife is the one with the 'extra' job that isn't needed, and therefore it doesn't matter if she earns a lot.

And those people who look at someone with one or two nice houses have no idea just how hugely wealthy the truly wealthy are. There are people with enough money to buy themselves a country. Or to dig some poorer countries out of poverty, provide good healthcare for a small nation etc. But it's the people who can be seen more easily - like the OP, who isn't living in a tiny protected bubble of wealth, but still working - who get the most criticism.

The top 62 wealthiest people in the world own as much as the lower 50% of the world. Just imagine if they gave away 10% of their wealth, rather than focussing on a couple with a nice house.

Our friends are trustafarians. Dh and I drive away from visits feeling smug - we have what they have - but we earned it.

Very true Lynda

Don't think DP and me would be working if we didn't have to.

Like everyone else, I think that if people are judging you for 'marrying up' then that says a lot more about them than you. I do wonder whether you might be a bit less tactful about your wealth than you claim, though, primarily due to this comment:

The only consistent advantage we have thanks to DH's family is that they gifted us a property to live in so we are mortgage and rent free. Otherwise, we pay for everything out of our earnings.

You say this like other people might say 'oh, yeah, my mum actually bought this bag for me'. This is not some little gift, and it's a bit much to claim that you pay for everything else 'otherwise'. It's like claiming that you paid for a whole holiday except flights, accommodation and food. Most people spend a huge portion of their income on housing costs. Putting it like this makes you sound pretty out of touch; I can see why it might put people's backs up.

Oh for gods sake it's none of their business.
Don't waste time thinking about what other people think.
Enjoy your millions.

Problems will occur if the OP expects kudos for chosing to work hard - like the rest of us have to, as if it's extra noble to work hard out of choice when the rest of us are beavering away with no way out.

I've worked with people who didn't have to work who never took this attitude at all and it was fine. It wasn't really an issue, things that naturally came up (childrens schools etc) expressed their independant wealth, but they never acted nobel or extra worthy or proud for working when they didn't have to. They liked their job. End of.

but don't wail "but I work hard" - won't go down well

I think it's always tricky having a significant difference in wealth between people people who are otherwise equals. If you were boss and underling, rather than colleagues, it would be a lot easier. And it's also hard because you are used to not being the rich one - if you'd grown up super-rich, you'd be used to the awkwardness, and probably have developed your own way of dealing with it.

But it's also tough to be the person worrying about mortgages, or redundancy, or pensions. And I have noticed that people who don't have to work tend to be more successful in their careers because they can afford to take risks, and that can be really galling to watch, especially for someone who has been painstakingly toeing the line for ages.

So YANBU to be upset, but are maybe being a bit unreasonable to expect no awkwardness at all. It's a non-standard social situation where people aren't quite sure where the boundaries are, and until everyone knows what those boundaries are, it will be uncomfortable for everyone.

Money talks wealth whispers

Of course you deserve your salary OP, but you're still not in the same boat as other people FT workers who are only what? 2/3 missed pay days away from homelessness and have to desperately cling to their jobs whether they like them or not, because the alternative is dire.

Would it really be hard to just reply: "yes, we're very lucky and I really appreciate the advantages it has given us"?

arguing "no but no but we're not that lucky, I still chose to work" is what'll get people pissed off
Not your actual situation