to feel judged and dismissed for marrying into wealth?

[marriedapple]

I know I am going to be flamed for this but oh well.. here it goes! I NC for this as I don’t want to risk to be recognized.

I recently got married to my DH after dating for over 5 years. We met while studying abroad and are originally from different countries and cultures. We now live in the UK.

DH’s family is very wealthy. Not “private jet and yacht” kind of wealthy but definitely several millions in the bank plus many properties in top-class cities like London, New York and so on.

We don't life off DH's family wealth and we don't intend to do so, however we could afford not to work if that was what we wanted. The only consistent advantage we have thanks to DH's family is that they gifted us a property to live in so we are mortgage and rent free. Otherwise, we pay for everything out of our earnings.

I come from a solid middle class background, dad is a doctor and mum is a uni professor. We always had a comfortable life and we certainly were privileged compared to most people, but absolutely nothing compared to DH’s family and upbringing.

So here’s my dilemma: even though I come from a comfortable background too, I feel like some people judge me for “marrying up” and I hate coming across as a gold digger! In fact, I’ve always been a very independent and strong woman, I work ft and I support myself. I married my DH entirely out of love.

For example a relative of mine casually dropped a comment last weekend about how lucky I am to have married my DH and that now I am set for life. A coworker recently told me (while discussing over lunch future performance review and salary raises) that I am so lucky for not really needing a salary raise since DH is so wealthy (we are close so she knows details about my life). For God’s sake! If my work performance is good, surely I deserve a salary as much as the next person

So my question is: AIBU to feel judged and dismissed as a woman who married into wealth?

Something that was always drilled into me as a child was keep your mouth shut and ears open (in general - but it works particularly well with money).

DW is from a 'normal' background , I come from a well off family. I got the lot a few years ago when parents both retired and vacated the big house (about £10m all told).

Obviously it's different on a nice anonymous forum where you can be quite candid but in real life I say nothing... At all... Ever.

Any comments / questions about money from friends (more likely from wife's friends / colleagues as they dont know me) are just batted away , while being very careful to not answer the questions.

I learned a long long time ago that you can't win, some people just see you through their green eyes as a 'rich bastard' and that's it! End of story.

Forget them, go home to your nice house, financial security and remember that no matter what barbed comments they grow your way, they'd swap places with you in a heartbeat.

Japanese, when you cut and slice my comments, repost, and then say that I'm not coming across as I want, then no. What I wrote is exactly what I think and I stand by it. Not your edit of my comment.

For example a relative of mine casually dropped a comment last weekend about how lucky I am to have married my DH and that now I am set for life

You ARE extremely lucky. You live mortgage free, and know that you will always have a safety net of family money. You will never know poverty. And its not through anything you did other than marry someone with family money.
If you don't think thats lucky, there is something wrong with you.

I had the same dh is from a very well to do family and I didn't even realise all the siblings including dh was getting and allowance of 5k a year until the night of there weddings😳

I keep getting told how lucky I am

Don't tell and ignore.

A daughter of a family friend of my mum's met and got married to a Trust Fund baby/kid (man now!) some 20 years ago. We heard from her mother that he/they was set for life before they married. As far as I know the daughter was never a gold digger and didn't want to be perceived that way. However apart from setting up various arty courses etc (can't name them or what they do as would out them both) and having exhibitions they don't earn money and don't ever need to do so. They can afford what they want/when they want etc.

One thing I have noticed though is they don't seem to waste money and squander it on obvious luxuries - they obviously have nice things but it's not all bling etc.

The daughter (and her DH) though certainly doesn't advertise the fact - I mean people know and I assume if they ask why/how she doesn't work she will tell people but it's certainly not advertised. In fact I'd say she'd say it was vulgar to advertise the fact re the family trust fund.

People can be awkward and weird about money. Take no notice, it might be jealousy, or awe, or just plain awkwardness and engaging of mouth before brain. It's not generally a very common situation for people to come across.