to feel judged and dismissed for marrying into wealth?

[marriedapple]

I know I am going to be flamed for this but oh well.. here it goes! I NC for this as I don’t want to risk to be recognized.

I recently got married to my DH after dating for over 5 years. We met while studying abroad and are originally from different countries and cultures. We now live in the UK.

DH’s family is very wealthy. Not “private jet and yacht” kind of wealthy but definitely several millions in the bank plus many properties in top-class cities like London, New York and so on.

We don't life off DH's family wealth and we don't intend to do so, however we could afford not to work if that was what we wanted. The only consistent advantage we have thanks to DH's family is that they gifted us a property to live in so we are mortgage and rent free. Otherwise, we pay for everything out of our earnings.

I come from a solid middle class background, dad is a doctor and mum is a uni professor. We always had a comfortable life and we certainly were privileged compared to most people, but absolutely nothing compared to DH’s family and upbringing.

So here’s my dilemma: even though I come from a comfortable background too, I feel like some people judge me for “marrying up” and I hate coming across as a gold digger! In fact, I’ve always been a very independent and strong woman, I work ft and I support myself. I married my DH entirely out of love.

For example a relative of mine casually dropped a comment last weekend about how lucky I am to have married my DH and that now I am set for life. A coworker recently told me (while discussing over lunch future performance review and salary raises) that I am so lucky for not really needing a salary raise since DH is so wealthy (we are close so she knows details about my life). For God’s sake! If my work performance is good, surely I deserve a salary as much as the next person

So my question is: AIBU to feel judged and dismissed as a woman who married into wealth?

put on the spot - not sure how pointing at spot go there.

marriedapple stop putting your financial and inheritance details online. Not necessary
Money talks wealth whispers

That's all true.

I have found the easiest way to to joke. One woman was pretty persistent and I just started 'we're squatters. No really, we are drug dealers. I used to be the voice of peppa pig. I invented doughnuts. I'm Shirley temple with Botox.

I talk honestly with my friends about money, and in the context of choosing what job to take next, said things like 'you are lucky that you could have six months off so you could afford to wait for that great job rather than taking this one'. I don't think that's a crazy thing to say, and they've agreed. Most people who are lucky know they are lucky and don't feel defensive about it, if anything their difficulty comes from trying to downplay their wealth so they can make friends with anyone and for people not to feel 'outdone' (e.g. if you all go to an expensive restaurant this can be awkward).

People aren't judging you, but they well may be envious of you, it's hard not to be when life is quite difficult or different for most (your remark about 'only' the house means you don't get it- my rent and council tax is half my wage and no prospect of buying). The trick is to be compassionate about this, rather than cross they feel envious, which may be how you would have felt, had your best friend married a millionaire.

Yanbu. I've sometimes resorted to making stuff up. It's rude to talk about money anyway and always makes me feel really embarrassed when questioned.

RE: hiding wealth from colleagues.

Why should you have to?

Why should it be you'll automatically be judged?

Do people really not have anything better to do?

Unless someone is behaving stuck up in which case they will be judged by their attitude, not pocket.

Or maybe I'm a raging idealist.

For all we know the OP turns up to work dripping in diamonds on a daily basis...

ahah that is definitely NOT the case!

So, what makes you think the comments you have received imply you are a gold digger? Is that how you would have perceived someone like you until it actually happened to you?

Usually when people are nosy/judgemental about things they don't have it's because they're jealous. I was lucky enough to be able to buy my own place outright with money left by my family, and when I met my partner a lot of people made snarky comments about him not having to pay rent/mortgage etc. Can I clarify that we're not mega loaded, it's a 3 bed ex council and he works full time. I just felt it was sensible to invest the legacies I had been left in a home for me and my then toddler son, giving us both security in the future. Now there's 5 kids between us, and we are very grateful to be able to have our home without having to worry. Having spent many many years struggling as a single parent, I will never take for granted having that security. Folk will always have an opinion, as long as you and your man know why you married, never mind what anyone else thinks. Being lucky, or having nice things isn't something you should be ashamed of. You and he work hard, so why shouldn't you enjoy the things you have?

So, what makes you think the comments you have received imply you are a gold digger?

I think it was really the tone of these comments rather than the actual content. I may be oversensitive, but the feeling I got from these messages was definitely negative. They sounded like now that I am "rich" (I am not, my PILs are, my lifestyle is absolutely average besides the accommodation part) my work mattered less. Also being told that I am "set for life" like I did not have to put in any effort anymore sounded rather dismissive to me.

What if DH decided to divorce me and leave me with nothing? No one is really set for life anymore in 2016..

Just to clarify, I realized my last comment wasn't well expressed. What I meant is that I am well aware that situations can always change and I live my life according to this principle. If things ever changed for the worse, I would be able to support myself with my work, and that security matters a lot to me.

OP, you sound like a decent person and not a gold digger at all. However, at the end of the day, your colleague was correct to say that you don't need a pay rise in the way that some people do - because some people desperately need money to pay the bills, and you're not in the position. That doesn't mean you don't deserve a pay rise of course.

To assume you would stop taking your work seriously, now, because of your marriage, the people making the comments would have to be the sort of people who would have reacted that way, themselves, if they had married into money. Why, otherwise, make such assumptions about you? On that basis, I don't see why you are so upset about it - it's their character flaw, not yours.

Sometimes you don't have to talk about money for people to know. A quick google would have told your co worker about your husband's family. FWIW I don't think you come across as grabby, and its none of anyone else's business. I speak as someone whose parents made a lot of money after I'd left home, and it seems to be everyone's damn business that I could be loaded when they die. Personally I hope they leave it to the cats' home, not least because me and OH earn enough ourselves, thank you very much. But it doesn't stop people poking their noses in and making snide comments. I particularly feel for my OH who gets comments about having 'done well' out of the marriage. In actual fact everything we have we earned! Grrrrr. So I feel for you!

I don't think either of the remarks suggests people think you're a gold digger, merely that they think it's nice not to have to worry about money (which is true). Think you are being a bit over sensitive. Just relax- you don't need to share any info you don't want to, just be easy-breezy. Sounds like it's a bigger issue for you than for anyone tbh.

This is a real issue. People can assess your partners wealth from their job (finance etc) and your childcare arrangements (nanny vs nursery). Do you not mention your address? Never show people holiday pics, pictures of your house?

I've had comments around not 'needing to work' behind my back. I don't tell anyone the details of my situation but they work it out quickly. They don't say my husband doesn't need to work. But women are meant to stay at home and look after their kids if they have the chance.

People are jealous, judgemental and often rude. But we have to accept it because we're in a better position? According to whom? They know one aspect of your life. You could secretly have a terminal illness for all they know. Money isn't everything. Ignore their snide comments- someone once told me (when I mentioned that I was afraid my partner might lose his job) that I'd have to find someone else to find my lifestyle! Which was hilarious because we didn't live together and I worked for my own money. Ignore the idiots. They are jealous.

My DH's parents are extremely wealthy, but only because they very rarely spend anything.

We don't get anything from them, we lived for 2 years without heating with 2 young children as ours broke beyond repair and we couldn't afford to repair it and the PIL wouldn't help.

However, DH and his sister will inherit. But we don't want half the estate they live on, I happened to mention to my sister that we considered saying sil can have it all and my Dsis was horrified as it's no secret that this land is worth a huge amount where they live. Since then all I've heard is about how lucky I am that we have rich in laws. Yes, lucky in the sense that in 40 years when my husband loses his parents we will end up wealthy. But it's not like we can call them up and access their bank account. We live pay cheque to pay cheque and actually have less disposable income than Dsis.

However in your case OP you are lucky. You never have to worry about not being able to feed your family, or house them, or get them shoes they need, or struggle with sudden extra bills and you have "access" to their account whether you have used it or not.

OP, you have been boasting.

You know it and any Londoner will know it. No matter where you live in London, no matter how incredibly wealthy the area 1. There will be council housing, rougher areas etc 2. No matter where you live in London, walk 500 yards in one direction, and you will likely find yourself in a very different kind of place. Just off the top of my head, take Kensington. Walk ten minutes are you're in Earls Court. Maida Vale, 5 minute walk and you're in Kilburn. So it would have been so easy to answer the colleague without revealing that your dh's family gifted it to you.

Secondly, there is incredible wealth in London. A few million in the bank? Quite honestly, nothing hugely out of the ordinary. Especially if you work in the City. Londoners are used to seeing and being surrounded by wealth. I find it strange that you colleagues seem to bowled over by your situation. Unless of course, you have been bragging, which I suspect is the case.

YANBU to feel judged etc, but that says more about you feeling insecure about your position than about those making remarks IMO.
If you were truly comfortable with having married in to a family that effectively makes you independently wealthy you'd not feel defensive and intrusive remarks would not get to you as much.

I am saying this approvingly .
I think it does you credit that you feel defensive - IMO it is hard or impossible to 'defend' a certain level of individual wealth and I think it is reassuring that you feel that inherent moral dilemma.

On these forums/threads, I'm guessing there's thousands of viewers and nearly as many posters.
With the AIBU kind of posts the OP is often asking that question to their situation but in so many posts there is an underlying dilema that the OP is experiencing.
In that situation, members on here provide great shoulders to lean on and offer lots off support and signposting.
Of course there's all kinds of problems that get discussed on here and we can all help each other but im really wondering why OP would want to disclose her financial situation and access to wealth and then not understand why this wouldnt be seen as bragging and using this forum as a platform to show off?
There so many 'real' problems that this one insults the ethos of this community.
Just my humble opinion of course.

YANBU. You work and are financially independent and certainly no gold digger. Ignore the jealous comments about marrying into wealth. You work, financially support yourself and don't sponge off your husband.

Enjoying is correct, there is estate housing in every corner of London. Even if you like in Kensington palace, you can name the area and no one would bat an eye lid.

Also, to be fair, you are living off your inlaws because they have gifted you a house, and the rent you would pay for accommodation now goes towards other luxuries/savings. You can't claim to not be living off them.

Enjoying I don't see why I would come to Mumsnet to boast about somebody else's (my PILs) wealth. My colleague is not from London so perhaps is not that accustomed to wealth, honestly I don't know why she grilled me about where I live.

timegate what I meant is that PILs don't support our daily expenses besides housing, for which I am forever thankful about.