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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel judged and dismissed for marrying into wealth?

231 replies

marriedapple · 19/07/2016 17:48

I know I am going to be flamed for this but oh well.. here it goes! I NC for this as I don’t want to risk to be recognized.

I recently got married to my DH after dating for over 5 years. We met while studying abroad and are originally from different countries and cultures. We now live in the UK.

DH’s family is very wealthy. Not “private jet and yacht” kind of wealthy but definitely several millions in the bank plus many properties in top-class cities like London, New York and so on.

We don't life off DH's family wealth and we don't intend to do so, however we could afford not to work if that was what we wanted. The only consistent advantage we have thanks to DH's family is that they gifted us a property to live in so we are mortgage and rent free. Otherwise, we pay for everything out of our earnings.

I come from a solid middle class background, dad is a doctor and mum is a uni professor. We always had a comfortable life and we certainly were privileged compared to most people, but absolutely nothing compared to DH’s family and upbringing.

So here’s my dilemma: even though I come from a comfortable background too, I feel like some people judge me for “marrying up” and I hate coming across as a gold digger! In fact, I’ve always been a very independent and strong woman, I work ft and I support myself. I married my DH entirely out of love.

For example a relative of mine casually dropped a comment last weekend about how lucky I am to have married my DH and that now I am set for life. A coworker recently told me (while discussing over lunch future performance review and salary raises) that I am so lucky for not really needing a salary raise since DH is so wealthy (we are close so she knows details about my life). For God’s sake! If my work performance is good, surely I deserve a salary as much as the next person Angry

So my question is: AIBU to feel judged and dismissed as a woman who married into wealth?

OP posts:
Marysunshine · 20/07/2016 22:48

Wow - what difference can it possibly make to other people how much money you have got. Enjoy your good fortune in not having to worry about financial matters. If people make snarly or intrusive comments that is their deficiency - it's also rude. Can't see why you have to hide your circumstances, but remember if you 'invite' people in by answering their questions they might take the liberty of asking you more.
If somebody asked me why I lived in an expensive part of town I'd just say 'because I like it'.......

Enjoyingthepeace · 20/07/2016 23:01

Enjoying I don't see why I would come to Mumsnet to boast about somebody else's (my PILs) wealth.

I don't see why you would either to be honest

tofutti · 21/07/2016 06:36

What if DH decided to divorce me and leave me with nothing? No one is really set for life anymore in 2016..

But if you both own the house, then you would receive your share in the event of a divorce. And I think you'd be better off than 95% of the population.

It does seem a bit like you want sympathy for 'marrying into wealth'. Sorry if that's not the case. But equally, you don't have to defend yourself to anyone! Enjoy your good fortune (pun unintended) Smile

Maybebabybee · 21/07/2016 06:46

Kilburn is expensive!!!

Anyway, I am very jealous of rich people. Who isn't?

ivegotdreadfulpmttoday · 21/07/2016 06:51

Someone once suggested I married dh for his money (ha ha, what money? )the reality is he has slightly more money from parents (but we're talking tens of thousands not millions) but I earn more and have made some good investments. I was insulted for both of us, at the suggestion he was only worth marrying for money and that that was my interest.

ivegotdreadfulpmttoday · 21/07/2016 06:54

By the way, I know someone who married money (for love ) and was royally shafted on the divorce. The beautiful home they shared belonged to the in laws you see. As did everything else.

Roussette · 21/07/2016 07:04

So I told her that we were gifted the property by DH's family. She was very surprised and said DH's family must be ultra rich to be able to afford to buy in that area. I then just smiled because honestly I did not want to lie

Why did you let the cat out of the bag, you weren't forced to? And are you sure you didn't smile, but smirk? I just don't understand why you felt you had to reveal all to a work colleague unless you wanted to boast about it. You could have just brushed the question off with a vague reply andsome waffling but you chose to tell her all this.

I know very wealthy people, they are ultra discreet about it and TBH no one knows because they choose to go about their lives without being judged on their wealth.

And talking about people not from London not being accustomed to wealth is very weird. From your posts I would honestly say you are being slightly superior in your fortunate position and that comes across to others, hence the comments made which you are sensitive about.

EreniTheFrog · 21/07/2016 07:14

I come from a relatively affluent background (though not to your DH's extent). Growing up, I learned two things

  1. DISCRETION!!! OK, you can't really lie about where you live, but beyond that.. there are things that you do not need to talk about. Even the nosiest people love it when you take an interest in their lives and lifestyles rather than talking about your own.
  1. Graceful acknowledgment. You don't need the pay rise to the extent they do. You don't spend all night worrying about how you'll afford new shoes for the kids in September. You're not googling around for somewhere to get food bank vouchers. You are fortunate and can therefore afford to shrug off the nasty, bitchy comments you get.
BitOutOfPractice · 21/07/2016 07:55

I was quite sympathetic to you until the comment about not being "accustomed to wealth" if you're not from London. That just made you sound insufferable. Maybe this is a stealth boast after after all "look how noble I am, working even though I'm considerably richer than you".

Original poster
marriedapple · 21/07/2016 08:08

BitOut I personally don't believe that people from London are nor accustomed to wealth. A PO suggested that if my colleagues was from London then surely she was accustomed to wealthy people, so I said she is not from London so perhaps she is not used to it, I don't know.

Plenty of wealthy people live outside of London, I think anyone would know that.

OP posts:
Original poster
marriedapple · 21/07/2016 08:09

Lots of typos sorry, I am typing while I walk!

OP posts:
Original poster
marriedapple · 21/07/2016 08:30

"By the way, I know someone who married money (for love ) and was royally shafted on the divorce. The beautiful home they shared belonged to the in laws you see. As did everything else."

Yep, I've seen enough awful divorces with unexpected and unfair results to assume I am "set for life" or anything like that.

OP posts:
blitheringbuzzards1234 · 21/07/2016 09:02

You don't come across as grabby. It's a shame that your colleague knows your personal details and maybe there's a tiny bit of jealousy. That's only human nature I'm afraid, to see that someone has got something and to want it too. As you say you work for and deserve your salary.

Since the beginning of time women have 'married up' and it's the old Cinderella story - I beg you not to worry about it. Just politely change the subject if your colleague makes you feel uncomfortable.

Roussette · 21/07/2016 09:04

"marrying up" does sound a bit Downton to be frank.

TheWindInThePillows · 21/07/2016 09:13

Look, this is just a social interaction issue. Any inequality is going to produce a slightly awkward moment where you have to manage it. For example, I have a PhD, and there's no reason to mention it, except every now and again it crops up and can make people feel a tiny bit uncomfortable or not quite know what to say (not very often, most people don't care or think academics are weird anyway).

The point is- I'm not the victim in this situation!

If I started a 'poor me' post about how my PhD made me feel judged, people would rightly point out I was being a wanker.

Please don't make the same mistake.

Lulooo · 21/07/2016 09:37

To those saying OP should have kept her in laws wealth and her address a secret: are you really suggesting that she should not talk to friends about where she lives? I work in a place where a few of us sit in close proximity for much of the working hours and we talk. Yes, we talk about work stuff but we mention personal stuff too. It's not too hard to judge a persons wealth from their address..

roundaboutthetown · 21/07/2016 09:47

When it comes down to it, you don't have to live at that address, if the location is an embarrassment to you... Otherwise, if you live somewhere where only the hugely wealthy could afford to live, you will just have to get used to comments, as people are nosey by nature and will ask questions. Whatever your situation in life, you will always come across judgemental people - someone will always be there to judge you too grabby, or lacking ambition, or too competitive, or selfish, or weak, or snobby, or common... To feel sorry for yourself because a couple of innocent sounding comments were possibly delivered in a slightly snidely way is to reveal an exceptionally thin skin. If you were comfortable yourself with your position, it would not have got to you in the way it obviously has. You do sound as though you feel disempowered by your good fortune - as though you feel yourself that you don't deserve it.

BitOutOfPractice · 21/07/2016 10:07

Erm that's not what you said at all OP but OK.

Maybe people in RL are picking up on that edge of superiority that I'm feeling here? I don't know but frankly it's not a horrible problem to have so I'd try and be more discreet (clearly you aren't being) and suck it up before I have to ask you if your diamond shoes are too tight

ApocalypseSlough · 21/07/2016 10:26

It is very Downtown. Grin

annetteo · 21/07/2016 13:14

I had lots of those kind of comments after I married DH. One aunt made a comment and ended with a sarcastic 'but obviously you didn't marry DH for his money'. She got a bit of a shock when I outright told her that it was a major factor! Any woman who tells me that she wants to be with a man who doesn't have a pot to piss in or ambitions to buy a pot, is a liar! When it comes down to brass tacks, we're Neanderthals - I want a hunter gatherer who can provide for me and our children and he wants a woman with child bearing hips to keep his line going. It's the laws of attraction....

dementedma · 21/07/2016 13:23

I wish I had married someone wealthy..wistful face

Original poster
marriedapple · 21/07/2016 14:01

I had lots of those kind of comments after I married DH. One aunt made a comment and ended with a sarcastic 'but obviously you didn't marry DH for his money'. She got a bit of a shock when I outright told her that it was a major factor! Any woman who tells me that she wants to be with a man who doesn't have a pot to piss in or ambitions to buy a pot, is a liar! When it comes down to brass tacks, we're Neanderthals - I want a hunter gatherer who can provide for me and our children and he wants a woman with child bearing hips to keep his line going. It's the laws of attraction....

Actually I only found out about DH's family's wealth when we were well into our relationship. I truly fell in love with him not knowing what kind of background he was coming from.

He took me home to meet his family around 1.5 years after we started dating, when the relationship was already serious. Only then I started understanding what the situation was!

OP posts:
ailith · 21/07/2016 14:03

Oh my goodness. Is this OP for real?! What a hoot!

RosasBitch · 21/07/2016 14:46

Sometimes people are asked awkward questions and it's difficult to think on the spot and find the right response. If a colleague asked her how they managed to live in the affluent area they do when it's obvious it's not something they could afford on the salaries of their jobs then how do people suggest she answers? Some have said she should have ignored the question but I imagine the person asking would have thought that a bit rude and why should she have to lie any way. Person shouldn't have asked really.

As to the colleague saying that you are lucky not needing the raise - then she's right. She didn't say you didn't deserve it or that you weren't due it but although you opt not to use your IL's funds, if the shit hit the fan, you do have that option. Also the fact you don't have a mortgage and all your income is for spends etc. isn't the norm. Your situation is bound to seem pretty lucky for most people! I wouldn't get upset about it - own it and feel lucky!!

I would get pissed off with the comments about landing on my feet etc as it demeans your relationship. But like Moles said just ignore. You have a nice life, married for love and fingers up to those that dislike you for it - the resentment is just jealousy.

ailith · 21/07/2016 14:48

Very much question your "analysis", Rosa etc. Lol
Trite and rather obvious sums it up...

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