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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel judged and dismissed for marrying into wealth?

231 replies

marriedapple · 19/07/2016 17:48

I know I am going to be flamed for this but oh well.. here it goes! I NC for this as I don’t want to risk to be recognized.

I recently got married to my DH after dating for over 5 years. We met while studying abroad and are originally from different countries and cultures. We now live in the UK.

DH’s family is very wealthy. Not “private jet and yacht” kind of wealthy but definitely several millions in the bank plus many properties in top-class cities like London, New York and so on.

We don't life off DH's family wealth and we don't intend to do so, however we could afford not to work if that was what we wanted. The only consistent advantage we have thanks to DH's family is that they gifted us a property to live in so we are mortgage and rent free. Otherwise, we pay for everything out of our earnings.

I come from a solid middle class background, dad is a doctor and mum is a uni professor. We always had a comfortable life and we certainly were privileged compared to most people, but absolutely nothing compared to DH’s family and upbringing.

So here’s my dilemma: even though I come from a comfortable background too, I feel like some people judge me for “marrying up” and I hate coming across as a gold digger! In fact, I’ve always been a very independent and strong woman, I work ft and I support myself. I married my DH entirely out of love.

For example a relative of mine casually dropped a comment last weekend about how lucky I am to have married my DH and that now I am set for life. A coworker recently told me (while discussing over lunch future performance review and salary raises) that I am so lucky for not really needing a salary raise since DH is so wealthy (we are close so she knows details about my life). For God’s sake! If my work performance is good, surely I deserve a salary as much as the next person Angry

So my question is: AIBU to feel judged and dismissed as a woman who married into wealth?

OP posts:
LyndaNotLinda · 19/07/2016 20:21

So you say you live in Mayfair. And your colleague says 'Blimey! How the hell do you afford that on a nurse's* salary?!'

So you say, 'I know, we're really lucky. DH's grandparents bought it years ago. God, I'm gasping. Do you fancy a cuppa?'

No drama.

I'm not jealous of you. But you are lucky. I'm lucky to have the life I do too. Isn't it lovely that we are so fortunate? :)

LyndaNotLinda · 19/07/2016 20:22

Oops

  • was supposed to denote a random public sector 'normal' job.
RubySparks · 19/07/2016 20:22

Is it you and your DH's house then? Or do his parents still own it? If they own it then it would be easy to say you don't own it but are lucky enough to live there.

Benedikte2 · 19/07/2016 20:23

Married -- People are "funny" and very often instead of being pleased about others' good fortune are jealous. Also very curious about how what they perceive as "the other half" live. If the house comes up again let slip that it isn't yours but belongs to FIL's company as an investment. Stress that you and DH couldn't possibly afford to buy it as you have only your wages. Maybe, if it's true, you could say you are saving to start a family.
She doesn't have to know you have access to other money in an emergency. If as you say, she's the only one you told then it seems she told your other colleagues and will hopefully pass this info on.

TheRealAdaLovelace · 19/07/2016 20:23

So you say you live in Notting Hill - it could be in a council flat or an inherited house or a house you bought years ago,,,,
Not anyone's business really - not sure why are insisting that it is.

rollonthesummer · 19/07/2016 20:23

So you say, 'I know, we're really lucky. DH's grandparents bought it years ago. God, I'm gasping. Do you fancy a cuppa?'

I agree. I think you could have easily avoided all this.

Original poster
marriedapple · 19/07/2016 20:24

"I'm not jealous of you. But you are lucky. I'm lucky to have the life I do too. Isn't it lovely that we are so fortunate? :)"

Yes Lynda, we really are lucky Wine

OP posts:
Original poster
marriedapple · 19/07/2016 20:25

"Is it you and your DH's house then? Or do his parents still own it? If they own it then it would be easy to say you don't own it but are lucky enough to live there."

They bought it but we own it.

OP posts:
nameischanged · 19/07/2016 20:25

My DP is very wealthy, we have nice things and I don't work anymore. Some of our close friends know, but that's it...our families don't even really know and they think we have finance and a mortgage and we never post anything on social media that might be considered showing off. Smile

MolesBreathless · 19/07/2016 20:25

There are answers, and answers.

The trick is to answer politely, but in such a way that it carries the unspoken extra clause "and what of it?'. People will accept this at face value and rarely push further. Often you will will respect for having healthy boundaries.

Too many people actually deliver an answer (often identical) that carries the opposite "...and is that ok with you?' which obviously invites the sort of judging you describe.

The difficulty lies in pulling off the former without sounding horribly big-headed. It's quite a fine line.

SolsburyHell · 19/07/2016 20:26

This is getting ridiculous op. You haven't done anything wrong. However, you are fortunate and I think you have to just see the comments as a downside to your wealth.

MolesBreathless · 19/07/2016 20:26

'I know, we're really lucky. DH's grandparents bought it years ago. God, I'm gasping. Do you fancy a cuppa?'

Good example of what I mean here - this would be perfect.

Hereforthebeer · 19/07/2016 20:32

YABU.

You are very lucky. That's a fact.

Everyone has the odd situation (about the odd thing) with a colleague or relative, if you just put them straight, then that will be the end of it.
e.g. with the colleague you could say 'pay is about value, so i would expect a pay rise if I got a good performance review in line with the budget'
to the relative, you could say 'I feel very lucky but I still work and never take it for granted, situations can change'

roundaboutthetown · 19/07/2016 20:33

It seems to me that you are reading judgements into other people's comments that they haven't necessarily made themselves. Nobody has suggested that because you have money already, you aren't any good at your job, or don't take it seriously, have they? You are just bloody lucky to be able to do what you do and do it well purely because it's what you want to do and not what you have to do. And if you ever end up being bullied by your boss, or hating your work, you will have more options open to you to improve your situation than most people - you could afford to retrain, or move elsewhere, or sue, or take a salary cut to get into a new industry, etc... You are fantastically lucky. That's not the same thing as saying that you therefore aren't serious about what you do and don't pull your weight, it's just saying you are lucky to know you have that safety net.

ApocalypseSlough · 19/07/2016 20:34

Sorry, not buying it! Unless you're showing pictures everyone would assume it was a flat or flatshare or housing association or house sitting (I had friends who lived in a very grand but practically derelict house for years in Primrose Hill house sitting for an uncle) similarly I know someone who lives in Kensington in a 4 bedroom flat, it's council and she's too old for the bedroom tax so she's stayed put. I'm in a roll now- Notting Hill, bought of the council after she'd rented for 20 years, teachers salary. All those are friends/ family I've known for 20+ years. Work colleagues should avoid talking about how much they spend on property/ rent.

Beeziekn33ze · 19/07/2016 20:40

You and DH have been given a good start in married life, you also have careers. Never mind what people say. Just use your talents, training and good fortune to have happy fulfilled lives while sharing a thought for those not as lucky.
You really don't have to get involved in explanations or justifications, just ease your way out of answering intrusive questions.
Ooh look, there's something shiny! Come on, let's get that cuppa!

Redlocks28 · 20/07/2016 07:52

You are lucky. Many people are only a couple of of pay cheques away from losing their house-I hope you can see that. She was right-you don't really 'need' a pay rise. You may deserve one, you may be entitled to one, you may get one, but you don't need it.

Stop telling people about your in laws. It sounds boastful. Just say your in laws/grandparents bought the house years ago-leave something to the imagination. What is your job-do you feel insecure in it or something?

Sgtmajormummy · 20/07/2016 08:13

Low profile is the way to go, OP. Wink
The less people know about your private details, the more they'll judge you on your own merits.
I understand from your posts that you haven't been married long, so this is probably an early step in the learning curve.

BitOutOfPractice · 20/07/2016 08:41

You could easily have said "we are very lucky that family was able to help us". Full stop. Change subject.

RowenaDahl · 20/07/2016 08:51

Our mortgage is paid off. The only people who know are my brother and my Mum. I haven't told anyone else for this very reason.

Pagwatch · 20/07/2016 09:05

I think you need to consider that you are not sure how you feel about it.

DH and I don't have to work. It's actually quite easy to give very vague replies to people about our money, our home, our finances.

It's also very common to feel a weird sort of guilt about suddenly and unexpectedly being wealthy. The reaction to downplay it and make out its not a big deal is because you like the advantages but don't want people to think you are an asshole.

My top tips to you would be
Don't talk about money. You keep saying you had to explain to a co worker but no, you didn't really. You could have brushed it off but part of you wants to tell people. If course you do - it's like a lottery win you have to keep quiet.
But nothing good ever comes of it. Relationships get damaged. Money naked even nice people insane.

If you do have to talk about it just admit that it's fucking brilliant. People like honesty. It's great, mind blowingly great to know that you will never be terrified of a bill again. I was evicted from my home when I was 15 and knowing we are set is bloody brilliant. Don't pretend it's not.

Don't expect people to have any sympathy for anything else in your life if they know you are wealthy. It's odd but illness or grief will often be downgraded because you are rich.

Pagwatch · 20/07/2016 09:06
MissHooliesCardigan · 20/07/2016 09:10

DH and I have just bought a 5 bed house in a really nice part of zone 2 outright. We are both nurses. We didn't have any financial help but there was a massive element of 'right place, right time' luck involved (we bought our first house 20 years ago when it was cheaper to buy than rent in London and you only needed a 5% deposit).
The only people that know are my parents and best friend. I am acutely aware that there are people who work much harder than me who will never be able to buy a property.
You make it sound like being given a free house isn't a big deal. Calculate what you would have spent in mortgage payments if you'd had to buy it yourself.
Enjoy your good fortune but don't go looking for a problem that doesn't exist.

Original poster
marriedapple · 20/07/2016 09:13

"What is your job-do you feel insecure in it or something?"

I work in the marketing department of a big company in a non-senior position. I love my job. I was laid-off from my previous position last year and I really hope it won't happen to me again because it is quite frankly horrible.

OP posts:
SarcasmMode · 20/07/2016 09:17

Why would you be flamed?

If you married him just because of the money then yes, that's be unreasonable.

If you married him because you love him and enjoy his company but the money is an extra perk then no, of course you're not being unreasonable.

I wish you and your husband all the happiness in the world.