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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel judged and dismissed for marrying into wealth?

231 replies

marriedapple · 19/07/2016 17:48

I know I am going to be flamed for this but oh well.. here it goes! I NC for this as I don’t want to risk to be recognized.

I recently got married to my DH after dating for over 5 years. We met while studying abroad and are originally from different countries and cultures. We now live in the UK.

DH’s family is very wealthy. Not “private jet and yacht” kind of wealthy but definitely several millions in the bank plus many properties in top-class cities like London, New York and so on.

We don't life off DH's family wealth and we don't intend to do so, however we could afford not to work if that was what we wanted. The only consistent advantage we have thanks to DH's family is that they gifted us a property to live in so we are mortgage and rent free. Otherwise, we pay for everything out of our earnings.

I come from a solid middle class background, dad is a doctor and mum is a uni professor. We always had a comfortable life and we certainly were privileged compared to most people, but absolutely nothing compared to DH’s family and upbringing.

So here’s my dilemma: even though I come from a comfortable background too, I feel like some people judge me for “marrying up” and I hate coming across as a gold digger! In fact, I’ve always been a very independent and strong woman, I work ft and I support myself. I married my DH entirely out of love.

For example a relative of mine casually dropped a comment last weekend about how lucky I am to have married my DH and that now I am set for life. A coworker recently told me (while discussing over lunch future performance review and salary raises) that I am so lucky for not really needing a salary raise since DH is so wealthy (we are close so she knows details about my life). For God’s sake! If my work performance is good, surely I deserve a salary as much as the next person Angry

So my question is: AIBU to feel judged and dismissed as a woman who married into wealth?

OP posts:
DowntonDiva · 19/07/2016 19:27

Sadly people are going to be judgemental through jealousy.

You've probably already reflected and come to the same conclusion but never answer questions about wealth to anyone. You don't owe anyone an explanation and it's incredibly rude to be asked in the first place. A standard "pardon me " or "why do you ask" should suffice and throw them off track. But if not then don't feel embarrassed to say "wow that's a very personal question" and nip it in the bud.

Joinourclub · 19/07/2016 19:28

But you ARE lucky to have zero money worries! Other people saying that doesn't mean that they think that is the only reason that you married him.

Jayfee · 19/07/2016 19:29

Well i don't see the world as that layered, so I don't perceive you as marrying up. Some people are justly rich, some not. some people enrich the world etc.You love your husband who happens to come from a wealthy background.
I find it hard to repect women who marry for money,b ut you clearly didn't.. We all like financial security but people should not be commodities. And you deserve to be paid for your work like anyone else. Of course when people are struggling to pay mortgages it is better to keep quiet about being mortgage free perhaps.

ApocalypseSlough · 19/07/2016 19:34

Your obviously not very discrete. there's no way your colleagues should know how you came by your house. Shock
If really pushed you say 'family helped out' but it's really crass to say it was given to you.
What car do you drive?

SlightlyperturbedOwl · 19/07/2016 19:36

Maybe 'yes I'm very lucky, but it's not actually my money' would be a good answer next time you get that sort of comment?

reader77 · 19/07/2016 19:36

I gnore them OP, you sound like you have a lovely life; boot out anyone who brings in negativity!

I find it difficult when people who have never had money worries have little empathy for those that do. They literally can't imagine what it's like to wonder how you are going to get to the end of the month, or to not have housing issues so seem all Confused about it.

There but for the grace of God and all that..

Chippednailvarnishing · 19/07/2016 19:37

Money talks, wealth whispers.

You've been talking about your money and this is what happens. Why on earth you would tell your colleagues how you afford a property is beyond me.

Original poster
marriedapple · 19/07/2016 19:38

"What car do you drive?"

We don't drive, we live in London where no one we know drives really.

OP posts:
ApocalypseSlough · 19/07/2016 19:40
Grin I really don't know how your colleagues know then, unless you've told them! Think really carefully about what you're talking about. Rein it in a bit!
Viviennemary · 19/07/2016 19:40

It's an issue because you've made it one by boasting about it. Keep quiet and you'll find the problem will most likely go away.

Original poster
marriedapple · 19/07/2016 19:44

"Your obviously not very discrete. there's no way your colleagues should know how you came by your house."

The kind of area where we live is such at there is simply no way two average salaries could buy/ rent here. Even just by saying where we live is pretty obvious there must have been some massive help frim family/ lottery win. Not that easy to keep it quiet.

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnishing · 19/07/2016 19:46

Nah, you've been bragging.

jelliebelly · 19/07/2016 19:48

It isn't difficult to be discrete about these kinds of things if one tries.

BitOutOfPractice · 19/07/2016 19:52

I thought that it was considered the height of vulgarity to talk about money

RB68 · 19/07/2016 19:53

It would have been easier to say we had some help, or we got lucky or some such. If you talk about it people will e jealous - that is what this is really. Even nice people can be jealous.

whois · 19/07/2016 19:56

What both those people said is true. You are lucky to have the safty net of your DHs family wealth. It doesn't sound like they were nasty? Just saying you are in a fucking great position compared to oh, the other 99.9% of the population.

Of course you deserve a pay rise as much as anyone else with the same prformance, but you don't 'need' it in the same way that someone who hasn;t got a free property and is set to inherit millions 'needs' it do you?

TheRealAdaLovelace · 19/07/2016 20:00

you obviously have not been discreet (not discrete sorry to be a pedantic arse but this one annoys me) -
Perhaps you mentioning your wealth to your colleagues was a bit grating for them~?

LyndaNotLinda · 19/07/2016 20:04

The more you post, the more I think you're bragging. If someone says to you 'How on earth do you manage to live there?!', then you just say 'We're so lucky, DH's parents bought it years ago' and change the subject.

I know lots of people who live in parts of London that two average salaries couldn't pay for. I've an idea about how that came about but I don't know. Because they've never been crass enough to talk about it.

Fomalhaut · 19/07/2016 20:04

You are fortunate. Lots of people really struggle, so I think money is something it's best not talked about at work tbh. It can lead to a lot of bitterness.

I think you'd have been better off dissembling a little at the property question to be honest. A reply like "we were lucky enough to be left dh's uncle's house so that money means it was just doable" "been in the family years, they bought it for very little" "yes it's a nice area! We just rent a little flat in one of those big houses" would have been alright.

If you've not been given a pay rise because of it, that's not ok and needs investigating.

MolesBreathless · 19/07/2016 20:04

The top 62 wealthiest people in the world own as much as the lower 50% of the world

This claim has been debunked btw, it rests on the premise that a person with 1p in the whole world, but no house, job or clothing is wealthier than I am as I have a mortgage (hence my net worth is technically in a negative position).

Tim Harford gave it a good going over on More or Less - should be in the archive if anyone's interested.

Original poster
marriedapple · 19/07/2016 20:04

therealada I did not mention my wealth, I only said that the house we live in was bought by DH's family!

OP posts:
MolesBreathless · 19/07/2016 20:08

Just ignore them married

I do hear what you're saying, but it is a proper first world problem. As evidenced on this thread, you are in a no-win situation and the more you try to justify yourself, the further you will dig your hole.

This is a time to engage the old adage 'never explain, never apologise'

AbyssinianBanana · 19/07/2016 20:11

so your work colleague has to be told the address? Because she was visiting you? Well if you live on regular salaries and you've decorated a 5 million pound flat with IKEA and second hand crap off gumtree, she might not have gotten the idea "you" are rich. Because actually you're not rich, his parents are and it could all go to charity because they decide the kids aren't ambitious enough. So either she's visited and your flat isn't particularly average, or you stop sharing details.

We get incredibly discounted rent off his great uncle's family in return for looking after the place... Yes, so lucky... not in a million years could we ever afford anything within a mile of this place on our salary... But hey I don't need to tell you, right?

Marylou2 · 19/07/2016 20:12

I'd call it a day OP. Your original problem was the jealousy of some family and colleagues. Now you seem to have added some random strangers to your list. Enjoy your life with your lovely husband and try to stop worrying about how others perceive you.

Original poster
marriedapple · 19/07/2016 20:14

abyssinian she asked me where I live in London. I gave an honest answer. Do you suggest I should have lied?

OP posts: