to feel judged and dismissed for marrying into wealth?

[marriedapple]

I know I am going to be flamed for this but oh well.. here it goes! I NC for this as I don’t want to risk to be recognized.

I recently got married to my DH after dating for over 5 years. We met while studying abroad and are originally from different countries and cultures. We now live in the UK.

DH’s family is very wealthy. Not “private jet and yacht” kind of wealthy but definitely several millions in the bank plus many properties in top-class cities like London, New York and so on.

We don't life off DH's family wealth and we don't intend to do so, however we could afford not to work if that was what we wanted. The only consistent advantage we have thanks to DH's family is that they gifted us a property to live in so we are mortgage and rent free. Otherwise, we pay for everything out of our earnings.

I come from a solid middle class background, dad is a doctor and mum is a uni professor. We always had a comfortable life and we certainly were privileged compared to most people, but absolutely nothing compared to DH’s family and upbringing.

So here’s my dilemma: even though I come from a comfortable background too, I feel like some people judge me for “marrying up” and I hate coming across as a gold digger! In fact, I’ve always been a very independent and strong woman, I work ft and I support myself. I married my DH entirely out of love.

For example a relative of mine casually dropped a comment last weekend about how lucky I am to have married my DH and that now I am set for life. A coworker recently told me (while discussing over lunch future performance review and salary raises) that I am so lucky for not really needing a salary raise since DH is so wealthy (we are close so she knows details about my life). For God’s sake! If my work performance is good, surely I deserve a salary as much as the next person

So my question is: AIBU to feel judged and dismissed as a woman who married into wealth?

Marvellous, I've now got 'common people' by blur in my head...

But no, op, I don't think you should be judged for marrying into wealth - it's one of those things though. Most people dream of being gifted a property, not having the mortgage or rent hanging over their heads. I suspect housing is a huge source of stress for a lot of people, so you are lucky in that respect.

fairyliz Does he have a brother? (misses point of thread)

I come from a very wealthy family and my Grandmother has tasted fame.

Ooh Portia who is she???

I think the only person judging you is YOU OP. Who cares if you have married someone richer? You seem afraid of other's opinions of you.... well you can't control those. You can only control your own opinion. If you don't care about it no one else will either, or if they do it certainly won't matter to you.

I think working is important though, when it's your parents/in-laws money not your own. I wouldn't dream of living off my parents' handouts even if it was possible (which it most certainly isn't) I would have been grateful if they had had the means to support more study or supplement my income while I pursued something initially very badly paid that I wanted to do though. Isn't that why some of the very wealthy intend to give much of it away? So their kids can't sit around doing nothing?

Most people dream of being gifted a property, not having the mortgage or rent hanging over their heads.

This is the thing, the OP has issues with the wealth I think, so when she brushes it off people are like seriously, I'ld be so happy if I was gifted a house, and they're a bit bemused as to why you are dismissive of it rather than going "yeah, we've been very lucky!"

and since the OP and DH have accepted the gift of a completely secure roof over their heads, it's odd to still act resistant about it by playing it down/brushing it off

She's very old cross in fact she's 93 and was helpful in WW11

"Am genuinely interested in this comment. Are you saying that if you both didn't want to work-your in laws would just pay for all your bills, holidays, clothes, food, kids etc forever?"

I think PILs would be disappointed if we chose not to work, but would support us. FIL worked really hard in life and made his fortune by himself, so he strongly believes in the value of hard work.

However, he would support us. We already have access to the family bank account, we just don't use that card (we consider it a safety net for absolute emergencies, so far we never touched it).

Once FIL told my SIL "no worries, if you need dad can support you for life". So yeah, I assume that would be valid for DH and his family too.

I think a lot of it is curiosity too.

What do all these rich in-laws do? How did they get their money? Am genuinely fascinated by wealth....

Pulp not blur. Me too!!

"arguing "no but no but we're not that lucky, I still chose to work" is what'll get people pissed off Not your actual situation"

I nevet ever said that to anyone, even less so at work. I feel very lucky and privileged. I just mentioned here that I work ft to highlight the fact that I don't live off DH's family's money.

I think it's a mixture.
I can totally see how the house conversation came about. Saying "aren't we lucky dh's family gave it to us" could come across as boasting, but it could also come across as a bit apologetic.
I've certainly had similar type conversations where the other person has said "my gran left the money"/"we bought it before the property boom" and I haven't thought anything other than "lucky them."

The wage comment I do see exactly where they're coming from. I earn in a part time job less than 1/6th of dh's salary. I didn't work until this year. My salary is useful pocketmoney in a lot of ways. It means that this year I will have a Merlin pass, for example (children have Blue peter Badges). I haven't been able to justify the cost before. When I got a rise, it was nice and I appreciated it.
But I have friends for whom if they don't get a rise they'll have to take a second job. Or the lack of a rise/increase in hours means no holiday this year-or that their home will be threatened. I am very lucky not to be in that position and I wouldn't resent them saying so. In fact I'd probably feel rather guilty.

If you are really concerned about other people judging you because your husband's parents are wealthy, then keep that information to yourself. It seems quite straightforward to me.

Honestly, I've just been round the local foodbank to drop some stuff off and got talking to a woman whose husband died and has no money to feed her kids.

YABU to spend so long worrying about this tbh. You're blessed with wealth and a good job. Enjoy both and stop moaning about absolutely nothing.

It's not about being judged and dismissed. You are interpreting their comments from your PoV. It's pure jealousy, they made the comments, it's their PoV that will rationalise them.

Anyway people will always be jealous of what others have. From money to good looks. You will find bikini pics of beautiful people in rags like the DM and there will be commenters at the bottom making digs/"hating" the beautiful person.

You'll have to ignore it. Jealousy is not exactly curable.

Envy's a dreadful emotion. Your real friends will be pleased that you have married a man you love. It will sort the wheat from the chaff in exactly the same way it would have done had you fallen on hard times. For richer,for poorer applies to friends and family as well as to marriage.

Your mistake was telling people about your good fortune

I made that mistake twice, it's easy to do, I assumed friends would be happy for me, some were not.

Try not to defend yourself. At all. They way you jusify things in OP makes me cringe a bit. You don't owe anyone an explanation, you know?

Don't apologise, don't explain!

And keep quiet about mortgage free homes and wealth! Never ever mention such things. Ever.

I don't think it's jealousy or judgement or being dismissive

I think people who are recognising your advantage are perplexed that you're so reluctant to acknowledge it yourself

It's somewhat irrelevant that you are chosing to support yourself, the advantage/luck is that you have a safety net. Most people don't, once they can't for whatever reason earn for a couple of months they're in dire situations.

It seems that your ILs are wealthy, but I'd never assume I wouldn't need to work or that I was wealthy. I realise you don't, but maybe you should transmit that idea to people, including your co-worker.
They could lose their millions, or your OH could never inherit.

As for her comment, I'd just take it at face value and accept that you are indeed lucky and don't "need" a raise like people who have mortgages and already have children.
It doesn't seem to me that she said you don't deserve the raise at all.

It does seem to me that you are sensitive about it, though.

Yes, definitely up there with the biggest non problems I've seen on here...

I think what you need to work out is why you are feeling 'judged' when people are simply saying that you have been fortunate to have married someone wealthy. You are fortunate, it's a fact. You are reading more into the comments than they deserve.

If it makes you feel better I get the 'you are so lucky' comments too even though DH and I have worked hard for our money. We worked hard right from school onwards. I'm not complaining but I like to think we were hard workers who had a little bit of luck rather than it just being luck iyswim

I don't think it's polite fit other people to comment on your wealth though so feel free to tell them not too.

I'm lucky that I concieved easily.
If friends who struggled say I was lucky, I agree. Because it's true. I don't think they're judging me for having what I have.

I wouldn't worry at all - you sound lovely!