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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that this is just normal life and DH should stop complaining?

202 replies

ironrooster · 18/07/2016 20:29

DH is very bitter that he doesn't get to relax all evening. He works full time and gets home about 5:30. I work part time and am home with DD5 after school.

The routine that we have is that I make tea every day and he washes up. He tends not to wash up straight after tea as DD wants to play before bed so it gets left until later.

We take turns in putting DD to bed alternate nights and bedtime is usually fraught - she won't go to sleep unless we sit in the room which is usually 30 mins or so.

DH also does his ironing in the evening and makes his lunch for the next day. He doesn't do any other housework as I get it done during the day. I don't have much stuff to do after DD is in bed so am less busy than him - usually have a shower or watch TV.

He feels that all these things take up his whole evening and he never gets to relax.
I think that a) they don't actually take him the whole evening (he forgets the time spent inbetween watching eastenders, or looking at his phone for 15 mins here and there) and b) it's just normal family life putting kids to bed and doing a few chores.

He goes out once or twice a week but apparently that doesn't count as he's not say at home relaxing Hmm

AIBU to feel really irritated by him?

OP posts:
OhWotIsItThisTime · 19/07/2016 06:10

I'd love to get home at 5.30 - it's 7 for me. I quite often cook or reheat leftovers while putting the kids to bed. Dh baths them. He then plays computer games.

I used to resent this but he's stepped up the amount of cooking he does. We also have a dishwasher.

Your dh needs to be more efficient and you both need to sort out dd's bedtime. 30 minutes waiting for her to nod off is a waste of the evening.

sashh · 19/07/2016 06:41

No room for a dishwasher - tiny little kitchen.

Mine is slightly bigger than a microwave - have a look at table top dishwashers. Or consider getting rid of the washer and sending laundry out.

Tell him to stop whingeing, he is not a stroppy teenager.

Does he really want a medal for feeding and clothing himself and putting his own child to bed?

Original poster
ironrooster · 19/07/2016 07:47

A lot of people have picked up on him getting home at 5:30 but to be fair he does leave before 7 each morning.

Bogeyface - your description of what he does is spot on!

OP posts:
honeylulu · 19/07/2016 08:22

I leave at 6 every day. Up at 5.30. Back at 6.30-7pm. It's not a hardship. It's having a job!
I'm wondering .. did his mother wait on him hand and foot until he left home? Might (partly) explain his notion that his evenings should be solely for his leisure and pleasure. Not yours though.

HopeArden · 19/07/2016 09:05

He's lucky you have a job which enables you to do the school runs and after school care for your dd or he would find his life much harder by having to do his share of childcare and drop offs/pick ups as well as his 50% of housework! Seems the less he does, the less he wants to do and would quite happily pass it onto you. Don't let him get away with that crap. I can't believe what I'm reading on here about you taking over some of his very basic responsibilities - I am a sahm with a dh who works a lot more hours than your dh and mine still does chores without moaning!

FurryLittleTwerp · 19/07/2016 09:10

I'm not sure how a tiny bit of ironing plus making a sandwich takes up his whole evening Confused and getting home at half five is ridiculously early IMO

lottiegarbanzo · 19/07/2016 09:41

He's definitely angling for a life of being waited upon.

Might be worth reminding him how much more housework he'd be doing if he kept his own flat! He should be very grateful to you.

Does he understand that making a happy household requires making an effort towards happiness? Contributing towards the active maintenance of a happy mood, for the sake of everyone living there? Does he recognise how much living with a whinge-bag drags everyone else down?

Or is creating a good atmosphere and servicing everyone's emotional needs your job too?

ftw · 19/07/2016 09:56

In his defence, he might just be having that thing where you realise being a grown up isn't really as advertised. It's not all freedom and life like in a beer commercial, it's often just a boring series of chores.

I love my kids/DH/house/life etc but I still get pissed off that I have to keep on cooking. I'm just kind of over it. I try not to be a misery about it though.

Tfoot75 · 19/07/2016 10:20

This is what we do, although we have 2 dc and I'm on maternity leave so do most of the housework during the day.

Dh gets in at 5.30 and we eat dinner that I've prepared (except friday/weekends when he cooks)
He plays with dc usually and I wash up/stack dishwasher. Sometimes we both play/watch tv together and one of us washed up later - doing the washing up takes 10 mins
Take it in turns to put dc1 to bed - 3yo, takes 15 mins, go upstairs, chase her around a bit to get dressed and brush teeth then do a story. She falls asleep on her own, and only has a bath maybe twice a week.
So at about 7.15 we are both pretty much free to exercise or relax, apart from settling the baby.

Dh makes his lunch in the morning about 2 minutes before he leaves the house. He does all of the ironing for whole family on a Sunday, I occasionally do a bit of ironing during the week.

I think that you should perhaps wash up on the evenings that dh puts dc to bed, and he's making a meal of the ironing/lunch making! Probably better to do it all straight away instead of one job then 15 mins on phone then another job as then it feels like there's less time to relax!

blackheartsgirl · 19/07/2016 12:03

Why is getting home at 5.30 ridiculously early just as an aside? If your starting work at 7 or 8 and you have no commuting time then 5.30 is a normal time to get in surely.

I used to work 39 hours a week, started at 8 and finished at 4, used to get home at 4.15. Not everyone has to commute large distances to get to work.

I do think the op dh is b u though

BlueFolly · 19/07/2016 12:18

Tfoot75 I don't think that the answer is for the OP to do more!

ceebie · 19/07/2016 12:31

I think each evening one of you puts DD to bed, the other does the dishes.

However, if he is in early enough to help with getting tea ready, he should do that, or he make dinner on the weekends.

kw1091 · 19/07/2016 16:19

Lucky him getting home at 5:30, I don't get home until 7 and still have to do all of this.

myownprivateidaho · 19/07/2016 16:22

On the face of it it does seem a bit unfair if you both work in the day but he has to do chores in the evening as well while you don't. I don't know really.

BlueFolly · 19/07/2016 16:59

But the OP does do chores!

Jackiebrambles · 19/07/2016 17:08

He's home at 5.30 - that's nice and early. Its his poor time management if he wants to iron every blinking evening, the daft sod. Ironing for the week should be done once a week surely! (or sent out to an ironing service if money allows).

He doesn't know he's born and his moaning does sound like he's angling for you to basically do his ironing. Stand firm OP!

Memoires · 19/07/2016 17:13

Timetable your day and his. His will have something like

7am get up, shower, dress, breakfast. Go to work.
1pm lunch 1hr
5pm finish work, go home, eat food
7pm put child to bed
8pm iron shirt, make packed lunch

Yours will be something like
6.30 get up, get dd up, shower, dress, get dd washed and dressed, make breakfast, eat, make sure dd eats, take dd to school, go to work
2pm get home, have lunch
2.30 do chores
3pm pick dd up
5pm make supper
6pm eat, make sure dd eats
7pm put child to bed

Then make a weekly timetable for when he is out and you are incharge of childcare, and when you are out and he is in charge of childcare.
Ditto monthly.

Show him.

Iloveowls2 · 19/07/2016 17:45

Sounds like our bedtime routine and several other people I know with older kids. Don't think its that unusual can ironing or packed lunch be done by the person not doing bedtime? I do most bedtimes and DH cooks our tea

seenitdoneit · 19/07/2016 17:47

totally get that its hard. I work full time, but with some funny hours so I work shorter days a couple of times a week.

Like you, I sit with DD (I don't mind this funnily enough - soon enough she will not want me to) for her to go to sleep. We do it like this. I take her up at 7pm and get her ready for bed, while DH cooks dinner. She has 45 mins to an hour of reading or tv (depending on my dinner), and then I go up and sit with her for 15 mins (on a good night - sometimes longer!) until she drops off. Then I go down, help finish up the clearing up - which lets face it is dumping dishes in a dishwasher. We do send out the ironing as its just agg, and cheap to get done anyway. then we get from around 8.15/8.30 to relax.

It seems to be the ironing that is the unfair bit - send it out.

Chewbecca · 19/07/2016 17:55

What time does he/you go to bed?

I just don't get where his time between 530 and bed (1030?) goes?

JudyCoolibar · 19/07/2016 18:00

I'm also wondering where his time goes. He's got around 5 hours after he gets back home during which he:
Has tea - say half an hour
Plays with DD - half an hour?
Washes up - 15 minutes
Sometimes puts DD to bed - half an hour
Irons a shirt - 15 minutes
Gets ready for bed - 15 minutes

Total: 2 hours 15. Maybe a little longer if he spends more time playing with DD. How does he account for the other 2.5 hours?

Julietn1 · 19/07/2016 18:02

Yabu your husband works full time and you don't
And yet you still expect him to wash up iron his shirts and make his lunch
I think if one of you puts child to bed the other one washes up and makes the lunches. You could make yourself a packed lunch to eat when you get home thus saving time.
If he wants to iron his own shirts suggest he does 5 on a Sunday.
Your only working part time if you drop your child at school and are home at lunch time.
Your husband goes out twice a week what's stopping you going out ?
You are both lucky to be home so early my Dh leaves at 6 am and is home between 7 and 9

Craigie · 19/07/2016 18:16

Sort you DD's weird bedtime routine out then you'll both have time to relax in the evening.

FXSkip · 19/07/2016 18:24

Hi, I weirdly take from this that there is something else he is unhappy about, but that is possibly because I cannot imagine an evening more relaxing than checking in with my family, being a valuable part of the household and even squeezing in some Eastenders time! Perhaps you could ask him how his ideal evening would be spent, and then see if you can negotiate a way to have one evening a week his way, and one spent doing your 'ideal' evening, and the rest of the time stay as normal? Maybe its the monotony of routine that he is feeling a bit bored with? sorry if I am way off the mark but good luck :)

Highlandfling80 · 19/07/2016 18:25

Juliet she has her lunch break at home at 2pm. During that she eats and does housework. The rest of the time she is doing school runs and caring for child. I wonder what the dh does at lunch time if he gets a lunch?
His jobs are minimal but he makes a meal out of them. Plus he gets two nights off per week and plenty of time to do hobby.