To think that this is just normal life and DH should stop complaining?

[ironrooster]

DH is very bitter that he doesn't get to relax all evening. He works full time and gets home about 5:30. I work part time and am home with DD5 after school.

The routine that we have is that I make tea every day and he washes up. He tends not to wash up straight after tea as DD wants to play before bed so it gets left until later.

We take turns in putting DD to bed alternate nights and bedtime is usually fraught - she won't go to sleep unless we sit in the room which is usually 30 mins or so.

DH also does his ironing in the evening and makes his lunch for the next day. He doesn't do any other housework as I get it done during the day. I don't have much stuff to do after DD is in bed so am less busy than him - usually have a shower or watch TV.

He feels that all these things take up his whole evening and he never gets to relax.
I think that a) they don't actually take him the whole evening (he forgets the time spent inbetween watching eastenders, or looking at his phone for 15 mins here and there) and b) it's just normal family life putting kids to bed and doing a few chores.

He goes out once or twice a week but apparently that doesn't count as he's not say at home relaxing

AIBU to feel really irritated by him?

My dh would love to get in at 5.30. As it is he gets in quite late and I'm wrestling three kids into bed (2 have Sen) so evenings are normally mine from about nine.

Burning You don't have to put up with this just because it's gotten to be habit. You can make a new life, you know, no matter what your age.

You deserve better.

Every time he moans you can tell him: YOU choose to make your life more difficult than it has to be by choosing to iron each night. I don't have to listen to you moan about something you can can change.

My DH is like this but our roles are very split as I am SAHM and he works full-time (long days 9-7). At the moment I do all the cooking, cleaning, washing, all kid activities/running around. He does some garden stuff (summer only) and household DIY/fixing cars etc.

We get about equal downtime once the kids are in bed, but on the weekend he lazes around more than me (I am still doing lunches/dinner/tiding etc) but I do get a fair bit of downtime during the week when kids are watching TV or playing, it is not super relaxing downtime but still...

He once got the hump because I wouldn't make him a pack lunch everyday - I just laughed and said I already do everything for 3 people in the mornings and he only has to look after himself.

He is going to get big shock when I start working again soon and he has to pitch in at home with the drudge work mwah ha ha!

As the others have said YANBU!
It's life with kids. Less free time, sometimes hardly any.
I tended to try and avoid responsibility before I had kids and had a tendency to be lazy... Having kids has really toughened me up and made more sharper and more energetic because I just had to sort myself. hope he does too.

So, his jobs are doing his own ironing, washing the dishes and making his own packed lunch. Surely these are things he used to do anyway, regardless of having a wife and DC?! He just needs to stop moaning and organise his time better. Don't you dare start doing it for him OP!

Yanbu. I get home at 7.30pm at the earliest. By this point dh has given 22 month old hee dinner and started bedtime. I take over and bedtime is a struggle so it's 9 or 9.30pm before she's asleep. I've then only got a couple of hours to sort myself out for the next day and do housework. I'm only able to be on mn now aa dd is breastfeeding. Your dh has plenty of time if he gets home at 5.30.

He sounds like he wants you to be doing it for him, and the moaning is a passive aggressive tactic either conscious or not. Does he mention the working hours split and how he works longer hours than you? Many men think they are entitled to a female servant. Does he behave in an entitled way at other times?

Aww poor thing just needs a kick up the ass!! You're not his mother tell him to quit moaning and get on with it.

OP unless he's going out very early to work I think getting back at 530 from a FT job is good going. My DP leaves early and doesnt get back til 7. We sit down at 945/10 for an hr or so. Ill do dinner (i work 32hrs) and he washes up though he doesnt do washing ironing etc unless I ask him to. He never moans about it. Ithink being able to relax from an early time would be unusual in these busy times so tell him to stop moaning!

Thank you for the empathy and sympathy guys .

Sounds like he needs to grow the heck up and realise this is real life.

When he says he can't be arsed to do all his ironing at the weekend, doesn't he realise that he's making much more work for himself ironing one shirt a night? It just makes no sense to have to put the ironing board up and take it down and get the iron out, let it warm up, let it cool down and put it away five times instead of once. If you choose to make extra work for yourself you really can't grumble about it.

We have laundry night on a Sunday. I do my stuff and school uniforms in front of the telly. DH does his shirts for the week. If he's been lovely about something I'll do his shirts but he wouldn't dare to expect it.
Rule is here, whoever cooks tea for grown ups (SEN dc so can't do family meals every night) is excused washing up. I have more free time than DH so I do the meals that aren't minimum effort. I do the wifework.
My paying job is part time, his is full time.
He needs to start working smarter at home. It takes maybe 20 minutes to set up and iron 5 shirts but at least an hour to set up, iron a shirt and pack up 5 times.
Can he take leftovers for lunch? Make sandwiches for 2 days and freeze?
DH used to complain about the lack of spontaneity in his diet because as a single man he would pop into the supermarket on his way home and then cook whatever he fancied and eat at some point during the evening. That doesn't work when you are part of a unit.
He has to understand that team planning is key to maximising time. If he schedules at work, he needs to do it at home too.

I know the one person cooks, the other washes up seems to be the norm, but how about alternating days with one person doing the lot? Washing up is always a ball-ache but my husband and I do this and it means that half the time you have sweet FA to do, just sit down to dinner like a 1950's husband. Bliss!

How he can be arsed to faff around with an ironing board every day to do one shirt is beyond me. Back in the distant past when I maybe ironed once a fortnight, I'd do it in one go in front of a modestly diverting TV programme (think Antiques Roadshow rather than House of Cards).
He does sound a bit wearing. Did his mum do everything?

Light actually the dishwasher takes most of the angst out of it :) I stack in a planned process that minimises effort. 5 minutes tops. DH takes longer.

"I cant relax every evening" means "I dont want you to relax every evening"

He resents the fact that you organise your share of jobs in order to give yourself relaxing time. That you suggested he does all his ironing in one go and he said he CBA also suggests that he deep down thinks that you should do it for him.

If he moans again then point out that you suggested a much more efficient way of doing his ironing and as he turned it down, he has no place to whinge about it.

Seriously, he has to iron a shirt and make a sandwich (20 minutes max for both jobs), while getting all the food shopping, cooking and laundry done for him by you, and he thinks he has a hard life? Tell him to jog on. Don't give in on this.

I bet he doesn't set up the ironing board and iron , leave the iron to warm, make the sandwich and then iron. DH tends to focus beautifully on one task. I do three in parallel. He does his in series.
Me: Fill kettle and flick switch. Fill dishwasher. Clean kitchen. Make tea.
DH. Fill dishwasher. Clean kitchen. Fill kettle and flick switch. Wait. Make tea.

Giddy you are missing the fact that the OPs special snowflake probably sits down between jobs to feel sorry for himself too!

Look at pots...10 minutes
Wash pots .. 20 minutes
Sit down to grump about having to do ALL the housework.....30 minutes
Piss about Do important stuff on phone ...40 minutes
Put up ironing board and turn iron on....2 minutes
Piss about on phone waiting for iron to heat up ....10 minutes
Iron shirt..... twice as long as it would take anyone else, so 10 minutes
Unplug iron and wait for it to cool down....1 hour
Put ironing board etc away...2 minutes
Sulk about having no time to relax in the evenings......45 minutes
Go to fridge for sandwich ingredients....30 seconds
Look into fridge and bemoan lack of acceptable sandwich makings and stare at contents in the vain hope that they will transform under his gaze....5 minutes
Grudgingly make sandwich...10 minutes.
Sit on sofa to relax....5 minutes
Moan and huff about having no time at all to himself in the evenings.....40 minutes
Go to bed.....not soon enough for the OP.

Bogeyface ^

:o

I had a similar issue, with accusations of me "doing nothing around the house" until I pointed out that I did far more than he did, I just did it quicker and more efficiently. The Great Packed Lunch Demonstration of 2014 was the clincher when he stood and watched me make the next days packed lunches while the spuds came to the boil. He had said that doing his shirt and making his lunch took aaaaages. I said that he could make his sandwich while waiting for the iron to heat up, he said he couldnt. So I showed him that I could make 5 packed lunches in the time it took a cold pan of potatoes to come to the boil. He suggested I could make his at the same time.

Long story short, he made his own dinner that night and his own lunch every day after that with narry a word to me about it :)

Jesus wept there are so many handmaidens on MN. I'm Sure we sorted them all out a while ago - clearly a fresh batch!

He does the dishes

Makes HIS lunch
Irons HIS shirts

FCUK me, I'd marry you ironrooster

Tell him to shut up moaning!

He b the ds to sort out his evenings. Getting home at 5:30 is pretty early tbh, dh is never home before 7. I'm home with dd any time from 4 til about 6. Dd is a teen now but been similar for dh since she was smaller. I always came home earlier (I work in a school) but then worked in the evening - still do but affects dd less now. So dh has at least 1.5 hours less.

Dh does ALL our ironing, for the three of us but he does it all on a Sunday normally. He hates doing it in dribs and drabs and wouldn't ever do it nightly. We both ensure all washing is dine during the week so it's ready to iron Sunday. Could he do that?

Packed lunch - surely only a 5 minute job max? Do it when in the kitchen sorting the washing up.

Washing up - any chance of saving for a dishwasher? Make sure you use as few pits as required. I do all the cooking and do take this into account when preparing and cooking food, even though we have a dishwasher. I put things with stubborn marks to soak and I at least rinse, if not wash, as I go when preparing.

Tbh considering he gets home at 5:30 he must have a few hours. Say he goes to be at 10:30 - that's 5 hours of time to fit things in.

And of course his nights out twice a week count as relaxing 'me' time for him.