Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that this is just normal life and DH should stop complaining?

202 replies

ironrooster · 18/07/2016 20:29

DH is very bitter that he doesn't get to relax all evening. He works full time and gets home about 5:30. I work part time and am home with DD5 after school.

The routine that we have is that I make tea every day and he washes up. He tends not to wash up straight after tea as DD wants to play before bed so it gets left until later.

We take turns in putting DD to bed alternate nights and bedtime is usually fraught - she won't go to sleep unless we sit in the room which is usually 30 mins or so.

DH also does his ironing in the evening and makes his lunch for the next day. He doesn't do any other housework as I get it done during the day. I don't have much stuff to do after DD is in bed so am less busy than him - usually have a shower or watch TV.

He feels that all these things take up his whole evening and he never gets to relax.
I think that a) they don't actually take him the whole evening (he forgets the time spent inbetween watching eastenders, or looking at his phone for 15 mins here and there) and b) it's just normal family life putting kids to bed and doing a few chores.

He goes out once or twice a week but apparently that doesn't count as he's not say at home relaxing Hmm

AIBU to feel really irritated by him?

OP posts:
EverythingWillBeFine · 18/07/2016 21:34

And please, please ,
DO NOT follow the advice of some posters and be 'a bit nicer' by doing his ironing for him (not so much work to do whilst you do yours) or his pack lunch (not so much work to do whilst you do your dd pack lunch).

If that isn't that much work, why does it take him all evening to do it?? And why is he moaning about it?

If making a pack lunch isn't that much work, why isn't he doing his dd pack lunch too?

The reason is simple, it's not 'just a bit more work'.
And he is trying hard to do as little HW as possible. First the ironing and the pack lunch. And then what?

EverythingWillBeFine · 18/07/2016 21:36

The other question of course is also, why does he not rep are his pack lunch at another time rather than after his dd is in bed?
Why not instead of watching Eastender? Why not instead of playing on his phone?

He is choosing to do it at the end of it when he could have done it at not her time in the evening. he can't be blaming you for that.

Passthecake30 · 18/07/2016 21:37

How much washing up is he doing? Just the dinner?

I'm veering towards his side tbh, you are home earlier and have an hour of free time plus get to do jobs before he comes in. He doesn't have this time...so has to play catch up in the evening. His actual jobs don't sound immense though. I spend my time pottering all evening (washing, doing school bags, ironing, paperwork) while dp stares mindlessly at the tv as he gets in an hour earlier than me and does his jobs before I've stepped through the door...so your set up sounds familiar to mine, apart from the fact I don't actually want to veg on the sofa!

GabsAlot · 18/07/2016 21:39

has everyon missed he goes out once or twice a week? i bet op doesnt get that luxury

insteadof going out he could do his ironing

Dontyoulovecalpol · 18/07/2016 21:41

This would never happen to my DH. Because he could send the shirts to the cleaner and buy lunch from prey everyday- whether or not we could afford it. Noones perfect OP, he sounds like a whinger which isn't very attractive. He also sounds like he can't cope with very much.

LovelyBath77 · 18/07/2016 21:41

I think it's his own stuff he's doing and he needs to be more organised rather than moan. Why can't he do all his stuff at once then would save him doing it every night? Sounds like he's being a bit silly to me.

Original poster
ironrooster · 18/07/2016 21:43

Without wanting to drip feed he also plays cricket (a couple of times a month on average) which takes him out of the house noon - 8ish at the weekend. I don't go out anywhere near as much as he does. On balance I think I do a lot more both in terms of childcare and housework - I'm not going to start doing his ironing too.

I suggested he do the weeks ironing on a Sunday and he replied that he couldn't be arsed.

OP posts:
EnidButton · 18/07/2016 21:46

My DH irons a shirt a night. I've suggested he does them all on a Sunday but no. 🙄 He doesn't complain though.

Yanbu OP. Is he wanting to come home to his dinner on the table, child already in bed and you in heels and lipstick handing him a dry martini? Like it's bloody 1955?

He washes the dishes, irons a shirt that he should be doing on a Sunday and puts his child to bed. Yes that's normal life! In fact I's say he wasn't doing enough but if you're ok with it then that's fine.

If you want to help the poor lamb, get a dishwasher, tell him to iron on a Sunday and work on your DC's bedtime issue.

EnidButton · 18/07/2016 21:46

He can't be arsed?! You must have the patience of a saint.

AppleAndBlackberry · 18/07/2016 21:47

Sounds ok to me and we have a similar setup. I make my lunches in the morning and don't iron. DH does his ironing on a Sunday and buys lunch. We also have a dishwasher, which helps but if DH was hinting that I should do his ironing or lunches he would get short shrift.

Xmasbaby11 · 18/07/2016 21:47

I think he's just being inefficient and making his chores take too long by playing on his phone etc instead of powering through them.

There's no shame on that - I do it myself - but he can't argue he's hard done by! My Dh would love to have so few chores and so many outings to relax!

FetchezLaVache · 18/07/2016 21:49

He gets home at 5.30 to his dinner cooked. All he has to do between then and bedtime is wash up the pots, iron a shirt and prepare his packed lunch, and put DD to bed on alternate evenings.

I'm really not seeing the time pressure there.

OK, so OP has an hour child-free before pick-up time, but she does all the housework, and I'm guessing that will take up most of it, esp. if there's meal prep/shopping to do as well.

Non-iron shirts. Make and freeze sandwiches in advance (or buy the lot when you find them in the reduced section for 10p!).

101waystoworry · 18/07/2016 21:51

I am confused!!! He goes out twice a week all he has to do is make his own dinner, wash up some pots and iron his shirt. Just because OP has an hour earlier in the day why should she do his bare minimum jobs? How long does it really take to wash up, make a pack lunch and iron a shirt? If he ironed them all in one go like a normal person then he wouldn't have to do it every night but he CBA that's his problem! It's fine that he is fed up, I am fed up I would love to go out and do whatever I want but I want but I can't because I am a sp.
Am I missing the point somewhere, OP still works and does housework etc, it isn't 1950 she shouldn't have to cater to her husband because he can't do it himself!!!

DontOpenDeadInside · 18/07/2016 21:51

Could you swap for one night to show him how quickly you can do his jobs with no faffing? Then he can do your jobs and see just what you do do!

Owllady · 18/07/2016 21:53

Mine irons his work clothes the morning he puts them on
I think I'd rather do it in one go too but I'm not doing it. So :o

Huldra · 18/07/2016 21:55

Agree with Phoebe.

He also sounds like a faffer.

JessieMcJessie · 18/07/2016 21:55

Presumably you buy all the packed lunch ingredients so he just has to assemble whatever he fancies?

Are you sure you can't afford to put the shirts into the laundry? It's a cut-throat business and there are lots of cheap deals, though does depend a lot on where you live. Alternatively, could he buy lunch a few times a week and look upon that as an investment in getting more evening free time?

Finally, what is the reason for no dishwasher- lack of space? They are pretty cheap these days.

Naicehamshop · 18/07/2016 21:55

How much ironing can one person possibly have? Confused I assume he is not doing your ironing and DDs as well?

Anyone with a brain would do 5 shirts in one go - if he can't be arsed then it's his fault that he doesn't get to sit down as much in the evening.

TBH - anyone with a young child who gets to go out 2 evenings a week and frequently at the weekends has it pretty easy!

lottiegarbanzo · 18/07/2016 21:55

I'm afraid he sounds lazy, whingy and as if he really believes you ought to be mothering him.

Ultimately YANBU for the simple reason that complaining is neither useful nor attractive.

To whom is he complaining? What does he want them to do about it? What is he going to do to facilitate this?

In the end, people who make the best of what they have are good company. Moany moaners are boring and unattractive. It's their choice.

Were I you, I'd be arranging to go out more.

Original poster
ironrooster · 18/07/2016 21:58

No room for a dishwasher - tiny little kitchen.

OP posts:
MilnersGold · 18/07/2016 21:58

I refuse to iron stuff. M & S invented no need to iron school uniform for people like me :)

OP tell your DH if he irons everything on a sunday night he can watch antiques roadshow & skive bedtime completely. DH has no interest in antiques, but he wouldn't dare watch anything else!

Bedtime is obviously a tricky time in your house, sitting for 30 mins with a 5 yr old must be hard work. Maybe look at changing that also.

I have 2 kids, one with Aspergers. A set bedtime routine, with no messing about has really helped me & the kids.

Naicehamshop · 18/07/2016 21:59

Actually my DH bought himself some decent non-iron shirts a couple of years ago (I think you have to get reasonable quality ones not M&S crap) and he's never ironed a shirt since. (I haven't ironed anything for years! Grin)

poocatcherchampion · 18/07/2016 22:02

Nobody has said anything about the period before your DC is in bed. Are you both full on entertaining her?

We aim to have jobs done by the time we take the DC up to bed. Afterwards we sometimes cook for us and do voluntary activities ,- diy, sorting something - if anything.

expatinscotland · 18/07/2016 22:03

'I suggested he do the weeks ironing on a Sunday and he replied that he couldn't be arsed.'

Oh, please! And he goes out 1-2x/week and plays cricket as well. Poor dear.

And if he doesn't want to do the washing up he can sort out buying a dishwasher.

Tune out his complaints.

MilnersGold · 18/07/2016 22:04

OP, can your DC read? For me this was the turning point. Leave them reading their school book before bed. Then graduate onto other books.

When you have to take a break for your own sanity you can tell yourself they are doing their homework :)