To think that this is just normal life and DH should stop complaining?

[ironrooster]

DH is very bitter that he doesn't get to relax all evening. He works full time and gets home about 5:30. I work part time and am home with DD5 after school.

The routine that we have is that I make tea every day and he washes up. He tends not to wash up straight after tea as DD wants to play before bed so it gets left until later.

We take turns in putting DD to bed alternate nights and bedtime is usually fraught - she won't go to sleep unless we sit in the room which is usually 30 mins or so.

DH also does his ironing in the evening and makes his lunch for the next day. He doesn't do any other housework as I get it done during the day. I don't have much stuff to do after DD is in bed so am less busy than him - usually have a shower or watch TV.

He feels that all these things take up his whole evening and he never gets to relax.
I think that a) they don't actually take him the whole evening (he forgets the time spent inbetween watching eastenders, or looking at his phone for 15 mins here and there) and b) it's just normal family life putting kids to bed and doing a few chores.

He goes out once or twice a week but apparently that doesn't count as he's not say at home relaxing

AIBU to feel really irritated by him?

Perhaps the solution is for him to get a job that doesn't require ironed shirts? e.g dustman.

You didn't mention what the other four children do in the evening, sorts them out?

It would make for a shocking front page.

Adult comes home at a very reasonable time and helps clear up after the dinner they eat, sometimes puts child to bed and gets their shit ready for work the next day.

I have to get my owns stuff ready for work too mwah mwah poor me.

Catlady I believe the OP has one dd aged 5, as opposed to 5dds. although it's possible she also has a man child on her hands..

So what does he want? I guess he wants you to do everything.

Can he iron outside the bedroom door of DD? She's got company, he's making productive use of that time.

My DH does a shirt per day whilst waiting for slow breakfast eaters to eat.

And don't feel bad about your hour at home. It's your lunch break at an odd time of day that you happen to put to good use.

Does he have a lunch break? That's his peace and quiet during the day, yours is when you get in. So that hour is by the by.

I believe the OP has one dd aged 5, as opposed to 5dds
I am quite new to this site and I am just getting to grips with all the acronyms that are used. Am I right in thinking that DD5 usually means "dear daughter number 5"?

Yes, DD1 or DD2 would normally indicate first and second daughter. If it's a slightly more unlikely number, it probably is an age.

Persian, yes.

Oh, jesus. OP, I feel for you, mine occasionally comes out with shit like this too. I wouldn't mind, only there's always a faint air of "my life is crap and it's your fault" about it, isn't there?

You guys need to start cooking more at a time so there are leftovers. Iron all on one day, as PP have said. But your husband has a very easy time of it - you need to sit down with a graph or list or something! And point out the inequality of your current arrangement, and come to an agreement as to how to make it more equitable.

So pleased to see you stick by your guns e. the ironing, btw. Good for you.

I'm surprised by all the responses saying op 'help' him out and implying she has lots of free time.

Op does the morning school run then straight to work. What is DH doing then? If he starts at 6am then fair enough but if he starts at 9am 10 mins walk away then he has plenty of time for ironing and lunch making.

Op gets home an hour before school pick up so say 2pm. In her lunch hour 2-3pm she manages to eat and do the cleaning. What does DH do in his lunch hour? Is there a fridge a work - he could take stuff on a Monday and make the sandwichs in his lunch hour. The op then does school run/homework/cleaning/cooks tea.

He does sound like a faffer.

Rule is you should both get equal free time (having both tried to be efficient)

Sounds like he gets plenty of free time what with the evenings out and the cricket. You get free time differently ie while he is doing his jobs.

YANBU

Suggest a new routine to him.

1. He plays with DD until bedtime.
2. You do bedtime while he does his chores.
3. You both get to relax together when bedtime and chores are completed.

2b) If he would like to do bedtime some nights, then I'm sure you'd be happy to step in and do the washing up/sandwich making etc. So you both get proper relaxing time afterwards.

What does he want?

More importantly, what do you want?

Sounds like you have two kids to me.

If he's still whinging on majestically, about his sad lot, next time he's getting amourous, say "I can't be arsed"!

Home at 5.30? That sounds part time to me!
The stuff he is complaining about is normal life with no appreciation for the fact that you seen to be doing must domestic stuff anyway. I get home between 6 and 7 and its a stampede to get children sorted, dinner cooked, washing done/hung if necessary, basic essential done and essential admin/bills dealt with. We share it equally and we both manage to squeeze in a bit of time for exercise/tv/internet/reading. Life is like that especially when you have children.
I get tired and run out of time for stuff but it's usually because I've been faffing or wasting time. I have no one to blame but myself.
Maybe he should go to one those specialist services where he can dress up like a big baby and be looked after all evening

You are doing more than him. After school time is not free time - you're cooking, doing homework and entertaining a very young child and they are demanding at that age when they get in.

It sounds as if he's minimising your contribution because you're part time and resents it because he's full time. I get this too and work 28 hours so not that part time.

Thing is, pre kids, he was happy to do his own ironing, cook etc. Suddenly, now I am working around the kids, I'm expected to run around after him as well. I did not choose a shitty minimum wage job that's convenient for childcare so I could warm his slippers by the fire. If I hadn't had kids, things would have been more equal and we both would be full time. I have had to put my foot down.

ftw & JessieMcJessie
Thank you very much.

your DH could try our house - he would soon be begging to return to yours! We have 3 DC under 8, 2 dogs who need walking, and we both work full time, my DH comes home around 7pm at the earliest. Evenings for sitting down and relaxing? HAHAHA! Maybe 30mins to watch some rubbish TV at about 930 - perhaps?! He really could do with organising his time a bit better!

Sounds as it it's pretty normal everyday life to me. One cooks, the other washes up. Alternate nights bedtime duty, although it does sound as if you're both involved every night in having to sit with DD.

Just out of curiosity, exactly what does he think he should be doing in the evenings? And just what of his 'onerous' duties does he think should be your job instead?

Just sounds as if he needs to get himself organized to me.

So, he irons every day when he could do it at the weekend, washes up and makes his own lunch, while you do all the other drudgework and make the dinner as well?

My heart fucking bleeds for him. Such a hard life.

Ask him when he wants to swap, sounds like an idyll to me.

My H would be astounded if he read your comments, but he won't as a group of women on the internet are all very biased/stupid/all turned against him etc.

When our DDs were about 4 and 6 he gave up doing bedtimes/homework completely. By the time the eldest was leaving primary he was doing next to nothing in the house. He comes home about 6.30, I pick him up. He gets a plate of snacks and sandwiches and puts the TV on. I cook dinner (no one irons anything). Sometimes I ask him to lay the table which he makes a huge fuss about. He usually makes sure something major is missing e.g., "Where are the plates Mr Bridges?" "you didn't ask for plates" he replies.

He eats his dinner (with a plate) and watches TV until, normally, around 12 midnight, then he starts loading the dishwasher and taking the bins out. He finishes that around 1am. He says his life is hardly worth living as he has to do all this work. He used to put a cloth over the surfaces as well, but made sure everything was soaking wet with rivulets of cold, greasy water running down the units. He normally comes upstairs a long way past 1am, wakes me up, then in the morning the alarm goes off 6am as he likes an HOUR in the bathroom. Then he sleeps on the sofa downstairs for an hour till we all leave at 8am. He says he is "sick with tiredness" every day due to having to do "all this work, like a skivvy".

I get up, get the kids up and then I go downstairs and make him a sandwich for lunch. if I am not well, too late or whatever he slams around the house huffing and puffing. If he has to buy a sandwich he says its my fault.

Thing is OP I reckon you are only young, and I am not, so the question is, can you see yourself turning into me in 10 years time?!

at all the posters suggesting OP could help poor DH out by doing the ironing for him or making his sandwiches... did you not read the part where OP said He doesn't do any other housework than these two tiny chores?

So OP does pretty much everything around the house despite also working part time but you honestly think a grown man should be able to come home and put his feet up, all day, every day and not have to contribute to the running of the household at all?

If he lived alone he'd be spending a lot more time and effort than the 30-60 mins he's feeling hard done by currently.

I get what he's saying... He doesn't want to do it! Me neither, being a grown up sucks. Oh well.

Whinging about it would be very annoying though

burning that's horrific. I know where his phone alarm would be a that's for sure. What a selfish arse