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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Mum wants me to collect her child from school

198 replies

justalittlelemondrizzle · 17/07/2016 02:35

A mum at school I'm quite friendly with has basically informed me that she will need me to pick up her dd every Thursday from next year. Her other child is at a local private school and due to finish times she won't be able to get from one school to the other in time. I think she will she will have 15 minutes between pickups.
We do each other favours if one of us is running late occasionally but I don't want to be tied down to picking her dd up every Thursday for the next 4 years.
I feel a bit mean for not wanting to help but there are after school clubs and she chooses to send her dd to the another school and although my were free for about an hour after school on Thursdays at the moment. We really dont know if our schedule will chabhe next year. I don't know how to get out of this.

OP posts:
GlitteryFluff · 17/07/2016 14:54

Sorry that doesn't work for me.
And repeat.

MrsJoeyMaynard · 17/07/2016 14:55

I don't think I'd be feeling too sympathetic about her situation, given that there's an available solution she seems to be able to afford (the after school care at one school), but would simply prefer not to use, especially as from what you say, the main issue with the after school care is her missing out on networking opportunities.

However, I would prepare yourself for the possibility that she'll continue pressing you to pick her child up regularly.

rollonthesummer · 17/07/2016 14:56

How did she tell you you were doing it in the first place?

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 17/07/2016 15:12

Tuesday has now suddenly become a problem..............

Because replying that you're sorry you can't help was seen by her as a "Oh, I'm sorry I can't do Thursdays.............. but obviously I'm ok on any other day " in her view.

Something else to consider lemondrizzle you mentioned upthread that her DC she wants you to collect has SN?

Children with SN can be very "routine" orientated so if you offer to do Thursday, it will become her routine. And her Mother will tell you that she will find it harder to adjust to the chop/change.

So for all concerned - your DD, the child in question, your sanity and the fact that you might not be able to pick up so will have to give the responsibilty to someone else, then SAY NO NOW!

And she's a self entitled cow, yes

HoratioNightboy · 17/07/2016 15:18

I once agreed to do this for another mum at my children's school, three days a week. They lived near us and the mum, who has MS, would only have a thee minute walk to collect her child from me rather than 20 minutes to the school.

Except after committing to it, I realised how rarely we went straight home from school. We often went straight to GPs from school, or medical appointments, dentist, the park, after-school activities, or just to Tesco for some shopping. That's when I discovered what a nightmare the child was out in public; who'd happily roll about in the aisles like a tantruming toddler, pull stuff off the shelves, demanding to use the baby swings even though he was 8 years old, etc.

When we did go straight home his mum took longer and longer to collect him, and sometimes I'd end up feeding him as he hadn't been picked up by the we were having our meal. The lack of table manners was the last straw, as my DCs were at first astonished then started copying. I lasted four weeks before I had to say I couldn't manage it any more. I copped out a bit, saying I had too many commitments on those days rather than how awful her son's bahviour was.

Don't do it, OP, as in my experience you never know exactly what you're letting yourself in for.

paxillin · 17/07/2016 15:27

Yes, and 'sorry I can't commit' is interpreted as an apology so pisstakers come back for more. In the end, one day of childcare seems quite reasonable...

We had to disengage completely from our two pisstaking families. Sad thing is, everybody did. Their invitations dried up and even school gate chatting was a bit risky, you might accidentally say you're looking forward to a lazy day and bang, pisstaker kid is with you.

Jaffacake09 · 17/07/2016 15:35

SuperFlyHigh - totally get and understand you :-)

Wine
justalittlelemondrizzle · 17/07/2016 15:36

70isaLimitNotaTarget - yep Thursday not tuesday. I think her reasoning/excuse behind me picking up her dd is the fact that she knows me pretty well and I am very patient and understanding of her sn. But it really would make more sense for the child at the other school to go to after school club instead of doing everything back to front and putting me out so she can choose her preferred pick up destination.

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected - good point re not making classes up. She has a tendency to copy our after school stuff.

Anyway she has replied saying it is fine and thanks for letting her know now so she has time to sort something else. I still expect emergencies. Time will tell.

OP posts:
WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant · 17/07/2016 16:10

I have checked my diary and I can confirm the only day I have free is the 16th November.
Hope you get the rest sorted.

EarthboundMisfit · 17/07/2016 16:21

Great y b OP, glad she's replied. Your message came across really well, and if you now have to lay the law down the precedent is set.

eddielizzard · 17/07/2016 16:51

good for you. you haven't burnt any bridges. if i were you i'd make sure to call in a few favours to get this friendship on an even keel. otherwise it's not much of a friendship, more of an acquaintance...

myusernamewastaken · 17/07/2016 17:00

I wish this forum had been around when my kids were at primary school....i got collared into several situations like this....i was always too pathetic and got shafted accordingly....

altiara · 17/07/2016 20:22

Wish I'd got here earlier! You missed a trick OP in not responding with "I think you've sent this text to the wrong person"
Or you could have added all sorts of waffle after that sentence eg " as I cant always get to the school gate on those days as it is! Smile" or "as we've definitely not spoken about this" etc etc (I think you said she'd told you by text)
Sorry for coming in with pointless yet genius suggestions too late Blush

OTheHugeManatee · 17/07/2016 21:27

Aw, I was hoping for a childcarezilla

Do please update if she starts pushing again OP Wink

Alidoll · 18/07/2016 17:38

I pay a childminder to collect my daughter from school. Tell her you aren't qualified as a childminder but that that if she's happy to accept responsibility for safety and pay for insurance etc, your going rate per hour is £x (check going rate for local childminders and undercut by a quid). That should send the cheeky cow off in the other direction!

expatinscotland · 18/07/2016 17:42

I have a child with SN. And expecting another person to look after him when they didn't offer, free of charge, is fucking entitled and pisstaking. I cannot imagine compromising someone else's family life because I'm too cheap to provide for my own child.

Don't commit to this person. 'That's a pity. Unfortunately, I'm unable to commit to any routine childcare. You will need to make other arrangements.'

She needs to take responsibility for herself and her family.

pollymere · 18/07/2016 17:54

I have an arrangement with a friend but I asked and also paid her the going rate of £5 an hour. I've had other arrangements in the past but the request should start with would it be at all possible...

georgiatraher · 18/07/2016 17:57

Suggest a day that she picks yours up from school. Or takes her or what ever. Make it a fair trade. If she's not able to accommodate that then...sorry I can't commit to it.

Overshoulderbolderholder · 18/07/2016 18:03

Whether I have worked part time or full time I have always paid for an after school club or a child minder neither of which I could easily afford. Helping each other out is reciprocal or occasional, your friend is overstepping the mark

glowfrog · 18/07/2016 18:04

It's very sad that the SN child is basically second best. :-/

Canyouforgiveher · 18/07/2016 18:04

My children went to a school about a 20 minute drive away. Another mother asked me to take her daughter to school for a whole year as she was stuck. I agreed as I was going anyway and would hate to see anyone that stuck.

my own children started later than her but we left earlier to suit her. She complained to me once when they were late (traffic was bad)

The child herself never once said thank you when exiting my car.

The mother never once said thank you to me. Christmas rolled around and she didn't even give a card (she celebrates xmas). At the end of the year the child barely said goodbye. no one said thanks.

She never once offered to pick up my children to even things out. Once when I was truly stuck I asked her if her husband was picking up and if so could he grab my kids too and she looked positively startled that I would even think of such a thing.

I can't imagine what it must be like to go through the world with so little self-awareness or consciousness of the affect you are projecting.

mouldycheesefan · 18/07/2016 18:15

Canyouforgiveher, but surely when Xmas came and went and there were no thanks or reciprocal arrangements you told her to find an alternative?

supersop60 · 18/07/2016 18:16

I have now RTWT, so my reply is redundant, but you could always say yes and add " my fee is £X per hour".

TrivialBlah · 18/07/2016 18:24

I just can't get over the cheek of some people! I barely ask anyone for a favour, in fact I don't think I have where ds is concerned. I would have to be without any alternative solutions to ask another parent to care for my child on a regular basis!

Who are these people!

Hope some are reading the responses on here.

newshiny · 18/07/2016 18:28

Inform her that your charge for post school childcare charge is XYZ.

Our let her know that you can't commit to doing it every day, but if once in a while she needs a hand, you can be there in an emergency (and specify if once a week or once a month is acceptable frequency)