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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum wants me to collect her child from school

198 replies

justalittlelemondrizzle · 17/07/2016 02:35

A mum at school I'm quite friendly with has basically informed me that she will need me to pick up her dd every Thursday from next year. Her other child is at a local private school and due to finish times she won't be able to get from one school to the other in time. I think she will she will have 15 minutes between pickups.
We do each other favours if one of us is running late occasionally but I don't want to be tied down to picking her dd up every Thursday for the next 4 years.
I feel a bit mean for not wanting to help but there are after school clubs and she chooses to send her dd to the another school and although my were free for about an hour after school on Thursdays at the moment. We really dont know if our schedule will chabhe next year. I don't know how to get out of this.

OP posts:
SuperFlyHigh · 17/07/2016 10:32

Lottie if you read the original post she actually says "a mum at school whom I'm friendly with" eg not a friend, an acquaintance at best.

A real friend wouldn't piss take and be grabby.

jaffa love your text though harsh...

ohnoppp hadn't thought of networking... I went to private prep (and normal infant/junior) and private secondary school (the private were all Catholic, convents) and rarely the mums networked (too busy looking after rest of their kids, helping run family restaurant etc) and also not the "done thing" to network, though the Italian/Spanish etc mums seemed to gossip more with the nuns, and also used pickup/drop off as chance to catch up on their community life as well as where they lived (Convent had large catchment area)

justilou · 17/07/2016 11:21

You could always agree to it if she's happy to pay you an hourly rate (which is at least twice as expensive as the after school club)

Shesinfashion · 17/07/2016 11:31

Perhaps after school club isn't a good fit if the younger child has SEN's. She's still very cheeky to expect you to commit yourself to this arrangement.

Jaffacake09 · 17/07/2016 11:37

@ SuperFlyHigh

I dont think its any more harsh or rude than the instructions hoisted upon the OP by this acquaintance.

That woman equally needs informing that the OP is not going to do her bidding. Sometimes it takes a bit of harshness to get through to people like this. :)

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 17/07/2016 11:57

given the way she informed you, you absolulely do not need to give her a reason or excuse to say no

Just say: "That's not going to work for me, I believe the afterschool club is good though"

Don't start saying WHY it's not going to work, you don't need to grovel to this rude woman to get out of this!

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 17/07/2016 12:00

Perhaps after school club isn't a good fit if the younger child has SEN's.

Being thrust upon someone else's family on a weekly (not ad hoc) basis isn't necessarily the more nurturing option for a kid, trust me! My mother wasn't a fan of formal childcare so I was picked up by someone else's mum as a running arrangement and collected from their house, it was HORRIBLE!

  • It's nothing like going on a playdate, you're not a guest and you're not there as a treat/playmate for one of her kids. Its a different dynamic and not necessarily a nice one for the child. I hated it!
paxillin · 17/07/2016 12:01

We do a once per week drop off for a very good friend who is a struggling single mum. We have also turned down an order from a not single mum and not good friend to do a weekly gig. Some people just order things like that. Text her a firm no. Alternatively, say you will do Thursday, she can do Mondays instead.

gillybeanz · 17/07/2016 12:15

I wouldn't even offer as a once off favour as I did this with somebody similarly sounding. There was always a once off favour, every week something happened.

Be firm and explain you just can't commit as you need the time 1 to 1 with your own dc.

LyndaNotLinda · 17/07/2016 12:17

Lndnmummy's text is perfect. If the younger child's SN means they can't cope with after school club then the older child can go instead?

Whatever the logistical problems though, they're nothing to do with the OP

RepentAtLeisure · 17/07/2016 12:24

"Quite friendly with" doesn't equal good friends. Especially if she's dishing out orders. In fact she may be quite friendly with OP simply to keep her on the hook!

StealthPolarBear · 17/07/2016 12:25

She's in fashion but unless both children have sen then presumably one can definitely use after school club or cm or whatever

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 17/07/2016 12:26

If she hadn't been so rude and entitled I would say help her but naw. Just naw. Can't stand people like this.

Original poster
justalittlelemondrizzle · 17/07/2016 12:32

Thanks for the advice everyone.
I've messaged her saying..

HI. I've been thinking about what you said about maybe picking x up from school from September.
I don't think I will be able to as I don't know what the dc's will be doing next year after school and we don't always go straight home.
Thought id let you know now so you can sort something asap.
I'm always happy to help occasionally as I always have but I can't commit to anything on a regular basis xx

I worded it as if she had asked me in the first place. Like I had a choice in the matter.
I have a feeling she may carry on asking me this week. She's very persistant!

OP posts:
AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 17/07/2016 12:34

Hmm sorry OP but IMO come September, she won't have anything sorted yet and will ask you again to do Thursdays "just until I get something permanant sorted"

StealthPolarBear · 17/07/2016 12:35

Well done for sending a reply op.

Lilaclily · 17/07/2016 12:36

I don't get why on threads like this people ignore excellent texts to send & then send half flakey ones !

RandomMess · 17/07/2016 12:38

I think you have to be very direct when she asks, remember she has the choice of paying for after school care for either of her DC not just the one she wants you to help with!

StealthPolarBear · 17/07/2016 12:38

Because the op us best placed to decide what's best for her. Advice is advice not an order.

Lilaclily · 17/07/2016 12:40

True

I wouldn't have written 'I don't think I'll be able to ' & change it to 'I won't be able to '
It's horrid when things like this hang over you all summer , you'll be peering round corners for her in September Grin

But as Stealth said well done for replying Smile

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 17/07/2016 12:42

yeah, the OP has basically promised to fill in any gaps, and if the "gap" is "OOOPS, September crept up on me and didn't get around to organising afterschool club on Thursdays yet"… well… good luck with that!

Cagliostro · 17/07/2016 12:45

Well done OP :)

Original poster
justalittlelemondrizzle · 17/07/2016 12:50

I didn't want to come across rude in my message. She has my sympathy for her situation but if she tries it on in September we will be rushing to fictional swimming/ballet/drama classes that start at 4pm!
Yes she definately sees the other child as priority. The school events come first. The pick ups come first.
If it was me I would pay for after school care at the other child's school but she will miss out on networking opportunities as pp's have said.

OP posts:
RepentAtLeisure · 17/07/2016 12:50

I don't get why on threads like this people ignore excellent texts to send & then send half flakey ones!

Because it's easy to be brave and assertive and "Oi you, cuntychops!" when they are not the ones who have to actually send the text and communicate with the person in real life.

She doesn't sound like she wants to end the friendship. It's a good compromise.

giraffesCantReachTheirToes · 17/07/2016 12:51

Fingers crossed

StealthPolarBear · 17/07/2016 12:51

Op what happens in other days