AIBU to get our nanny to take dd to the doctor because I can't face it?

[6timesthemess]

My dd is wetting herself again, no pain , no other signs of infections. Doctors appointment Monday. I only work two days a week but for those days we have a nanny who comes to look after the children.

Every time I go to the doctors he questions me on why I am so anxious - is anyone harming me at home.

Last time he said "why won't you let me help you?". I feel terrible when I leave.

AIBU to just get our nanny to take her - I feel terrible not being there but I'm not sure my mental state can take another 10 minutes of questioning.

Gosh this thread does make for some upsetting reading. I hope you're ok OP, I think you probably realise that this isn't a good healthy relationship. I hope that you manage to speak to someone about all of this, and can get your head around leaving him. Even if life wouldn't be that different, I think you'd FEEL different and that would make your life better. Hugs to you, wishing you strength and hope x

OP I think it's hard to seek help or take action when you are not in the midst of a crisis. If things are being managed on a day to day basis and you are coping just about, then it may feel odd to choose to confide in someone now. I get this.

However the alternative is to wait for something bad to happen which puts you in crisis, or for you to be ground down into nothingness, where you are emotionally numb and effectively neutralised. Both would be awful awful situations for you and DC, and would be so much harder to recover from.

If you can get support and perhaps counselling now, while you are coping and managing day to day, then that will only strengthen you in your decision making. I'm going to do the Freedom Programme online with women's aid, to help me process and understand, and will encourage my DH to do the one for men. I hope you will too.

Make plans to go, I really think you should, these things don't ever get better. The stomach flipping anxiety and fear of upsetting him will be livable with, but its no life and stress has a physical toll on the body (my thyroid disease was likely caused by my stress). Someone once said to me "don't waste your life, you only get one chance to live". It really struck a chord with me, life is too short to compromise on happiness. Your kids deserve a happy carefree mum xx

OP I can't echo enough what everyone else has said..please try to talk to someone, maybe set up a bank account & a phone that your husband doesn't know about..start to put some things in place so you can become more independent of him. My friend works for women's aid & they are truly amazing, that could be a good place to start if you are embarrassed/unsure of talking to your Doctor right now.
You need to think of your children & yourself. They will be crushed if they find out, when they are older, that you suffered this kind of abuse just to keep them in a nice house with the latest trainers etc etc.

Not sure why you're booking your child an appointment with your GP if you don't want to get to the root of the problem. What can your GP do without your help and cooperation.

Nanny can't do this for you.

Inkanta, the thread has moved on a bit.

Sorry Math (and 6Times) - yes I realize.

Hi Op,
My mother has friends whose daughter is married with 5 children. A couple of years ago they were just visiting and found her in pieces. It turns out the husband had been beating her for years and nobody had ever noticed anything. They took her home to shelter, with the children, but when it came to the authorities, because the husband denied any wrongdoing and it was her word against his, it was considered that she just had abandoned the marital home and had made the abuse up as an excuse to leave her husband.
He walked off without being prosecuted, and as a result was freed from any obligation of providing child support. Leaving his children and wife in a dire mess.
The grandmother, my mother's friend, laments that this situation could have ended up so much better if her abused daughter had had the humility to go and talk to the GP, or just someone, anyone that can be used as a witness, just in case.

www.lawdonut.co.uk/law/personal-law/divorce-separation-cohabitation/divorce-financial-settlement-faqs#DFS4

I think a lot of people are putting the cart before the horse here.

What 6Times needs to do right now is start writing everything down.

Writing a narrative of all the years past will be cathartic, and upsetting, and it will also provide something for the GP to read.

It will also show you yourself in black and white what is happening, what is being said and done, and how consistent this is over time. This can be sobering.

6Times, you need to ask the GP for an appointment. You can tell the GP you just want to unburden yourself at this point, and you can't deal with any pressure to commit to a course of action. Your GP may suggest a therapist.
If you want to speed up the process of accessing a therapist, you could phone Women's Aid - 0808 2000 247 - and leave a message giving a number and a time when it is safe for you to receive a call from them. They will get back to you, though you may need to make a further call. They are often busy.
WA will accept you where you are on this journey of yours.

But 6Times, do start by writing down everything, right from the start of it all. Keep a log of day to day things that happen even now too. I used to keep one of those calendars that has a square for every day, and in it I would write whatever happened, or whatever was said, that day. Needless to say, I kept the calendar out of sight.

You need to start accepting that the only element of this situation that you have any control over is how you respond to everything that is going on.
Stemming from that realisation, you need to start visualising what you hope your life will be, ideally, 'if only'...

If your vision includes your H with what basically amounts to a personality transplant, then you need a gentle reality check.
This is hard work, and it takes time, but it can be accomplished with a counsellor or therapist who understands how hard it all is.

Nothing to add 6 times to the excellent advice apart from look after yourself and 6 children. 💐💐💐

I second the writing it down. Start with a barebones timeline. The flesh it out as things occur to you. Then give a copy to the GP and ask for counseling. It doesn't need to be finished when you give it. Or just write him a letter about it and ask for counseling.

Dear GP

My H has a history of pushing boundaries, particularly sexually and went through a period of, what I now recognize was, raping me. Things have improved on this front but I think counseling could be useful to me. I find it incredibly difficult to talk about and so have not talked to anyone about it. As I work for H and have 6 children clearly nothing is simple.

My email address is xxxxxxx.

Kind regards

Understand that your gp is trying to do a good job. There are indicators that there could be something to be concerned about. Maybe make an appointment to see gp without dd to talk through how you feel about the questions and the circumstances around how you are feeling. his concern is healthy and could save someone's life. Please don't blame gp. But sounds like he needs to understand your situation. And you need him to understand so you can feel comfortable to go there.

6times you've got some really good advice here and everyone is really behind you nobody walks in your shoes except you, take little steps. Writing a diary is really good and cathartic put even the little stuff in, good and bad it will help build a picture for you.

And as everyone has said get some help for you anxiety it will help clear the fog and give you some strength. I know what its like I had PTSD some years ago and felt like a total fraud when I went to see the therapist, I didn't feel like I should be there and everything I talked about to me seemed trivial but she helped me see the light so to speak, nothings trivial and nothing is silly. Its no life living with anxiety it clouds even the happy times.

Focus on you for a change we all deserve happiness after all.

I hope you are ok OP. Did you get that call?

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I forgot to mention that my DD had been bedwetting from aged 5-6 for one whole school year (year1) because of a horrible teacher. It took us ages to realise what's going on. We knew it had to be school, because Saturday and Sunday mornings and holidays were dry mornings.

She stopped on the last day of year 1, exactly a year ago, and hasn't wet the bed since.

Your DD's bedwetting could be anxiety related.
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Please take math's advice, it's excellent. Remember the GP is bound by confidentiality, you could just explain your situation and tell him you don't want him to do anything except arrange counselling. He will be happy to help you and it would mean he knows about your situation if it should escalate.
You can also ask him not to put anything on the system if you are scared of that.
Good luck!

You've been very honest about what the doctor says so you've set up the distinct possibility of your needing help. It's not really possible for someone reading on a website to judge the reality of your situation beyond that. If we now just dismiss what he says, that could make us complicit in your ignoring his concerns.

I imagine that the doctor will have made some notes on whatever he's worried about. If the nanny takes your dd he may ask the nanny why you didn't come. Do you want the nanny involved?

Too little information so far

"Too little information so far"!!!
Yeah, if you only read the OP's first post and don't bother reading ANY of the others...

Doctors are very time restricted on their appointments, so if he's going above and beyond to talk to you he sounds like an excellent GP. If only all Doctors were so observant. If you can't have a conversation with him I'm guessing you also haven't had an appointment to review your own anxiety? Maybe you need a medication change? If you have nothing to hide then just tell him you suffer with anxiety, you're on X medication, everything at home is fine (if it is) and tell him you'll make an appointment to discuss your medication. Maybe some counselling would help you?
I personally think you should take care of your own child in regards to GP visits and their health care. They will probably question your ability to take your child for their appointment yourself, if there's no genuine reason for you not to take them.

I just read through the whole post 6things.

I was sexually abused as a child by my step father, as was all 4 of my sisters. He did it for years and we didn't even know about one another. He also took a 10 year gap from abusing my sister and I, to then going on to our younger sisters.

I pray to God you look after your children. You might think he's never alone with them etc, but it literally takes a second. He could go into their room after you've fallen asleep at night, he could abuse them in the living room whilst you're next door in the kitchen, in the car, while you're in the shower, while you're bathing your baby. This happened to my family, my Mum had no idea, we had no idea about each others abuse. You cannot possibly have eyes on all 6 of your children at one time.

Please leave him. I know it seems impossible, but we live in the UK. We have emergency aid and council houses, it is not impossible. Please, please seek help.

"He walked off without being prosecuted, and as a result was freed from any obligation of providing child support"

Sorry, I have never seen a man being freed of child support just because he didn't beat his wife, which is what you are essentially saying

it was considered that she just had abandoned the marital home and had made the abuse up as an excuse to leave her husband.
He walked off without being prosecuted, and as a result was freed from any obligation of providing child support. Leaving his children and wife in a dire mess

Sorry, wingcommandermoi did this take place in the 1890's? Because if not, that is an utter load of crap and it's irresponsible of you to post it on here where someone who is vulnerable might read it.

-There is no obligation to cohabit with your spouse- no 'excuse' needed to leave your husband

• The court has extensive powers to make financial orders on divorce or judicial separation. They don't care who left who.
• There is no such thing as being freed of child support obligations unless and until the child is 18. Leaving the house DEFINITELY doesn't absolve a non resident parent from responsibility

Bold- fail, but hopefully you get my point

Hi OP I read this thread yesterday but didn't add my voice as I think I would just have reiterated a lot of the advice on here. I have been thinking about you a lot today however and really hope you are ok. It sounds like you have needed to be immensely strong to carry on and that can make it really hard to see how bad things really are. If so I am guessing you have had a lot to process. It's been really good advice though because what you have been through is just not ok. And what you are going through coping with the aftermath without support or safety isn't either. Your horizons can be much broader than they seem right now. You just need to be far away from this man.

Be Strong...see the doctor

Hello OP
I hope you're ok. I know the anxiety you're feeling now must be suffocating. I often think we 'pretend' things are all better and move on with life sooner than we should so we can protect ourselves, Christ you have 6 little ones depending on you, I'd have felt very similarly to you, however I'd have broken down and would've been hospitalised if I'd have gone through what you have, especially feeling as isolated.

Please draw strength from your courage. This thread is like a starting block, I absolutely agree with those who've suggested writing things down. It would be good to own and acknowledge your feelings as I sense from your posts that your emotions and feelings are all pretty vague, it's like you've just weatherd a storm, you held everything together for everyone and now things have calmed, all of your thoughts and emotions are stirring up. Someone mentioned ptsd earlier and I'm no expert or anything but the fact that you find it so difficult to even think about/remember, coupled with the feelings of panic would maybe come under that?

Writing everything down will help you put this nightmare into perspective and aid you in finding your true feelings about what has happened. You deserve to live a happy life, it's as simple as that. Please believe in yourself, you're stronger and braver than most, all qualities which will help you see this through. You don't need to run. You can take some time and decide which steps you want to take, you're in control now (mantra).

Just please don't let him break any more of you. My heart is crying for you OP. Like others have said, we are here, we can hand hold and support and just be here. You're worth everything the world has to offer, I hope you're ok xxx

Depression doesn't turn people into abusers.

Please don't make that link. Many people are trying desperately to destigmatise mental health difficulties.