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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to get our nanny to take dd to the doctor because I can't face it?

227 replies

6timesthemess · 16/07/2016 22:58

My dd is wetting herself again, no pain , no other signs of infections. Doctors appointment Monday. I only work two days a week but for those days we have a nanny who comes to look after the children.

Every time I go to the doctors he questions me on why I am so anxious - is anyone harming me at home.

Last time he said "why won't you let me help you?". I feel terrible when I leave.

AIBU to just get our nanny to take her - I feel terrible not being there but I'm not sure my mental state can take another 10 minutes of questioning.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 17/07/2016 09:34

Depression is no excuse for raping your partner once, let alone repeatedly. A therapist shoukd be totally impartial, and somebody your dh does not know, a friend woukd not make a good therapist. There is always the distinct possibility he coukd do it again. It happened once or more than once, it can happen again, that woukd be a big red Flag, amongst all the other you mentioned. What are you showing your dd! That this is ok, be forgiving him and putting it behind you, I feel you are trying to forget it, and you are doing your dd a real disservice. I feel that you need to ask your GP for counselling. To empower you, and to work through these traumatic events. I think you GP is onto something. You are putting your hands over your ears, and going la la la trying to block out the reality of what he did to you, and pretending all is ok when it's not. Don't you think your anxiety stems from your past! Get help now, if not for you, for dd.

ElsieMc · 17/07/2016 09:37

Yes Emma, correctly spotted I had not read the full thread so I can see why you feel cross and bossy (!). Yes, the doctor was absolutely right, the op has posted before, it stuck with me and its not acceptable to send the nanny for the reasons I and other posters gave.

SestraClone · 17/07/2016 09:42

You are also putting your nanny at risk, allowing her to unknowingly work in the home of a rapist!

WibblyWobblyJellyHead · 17/07/2016 09:43

I think you should tell the GP, he sounds very insightful and could be a big help. He won't force you to ltb but he can signpost other help for you, whether that's counselling or some groups to attend etc.

6timesthehugs · 17/07/2016 09:44

Sestra he is never there when she is - I do hand over and morning and evening. He is at work 6:30am- 9/10pm most days.

6timesthehugs · 17/07/2016 09:47

Wibbly I am not sure how to actually tel the gp especially given the 10 minute limit. I am rubbish at talking to people. Especially about anything embarrassing. A while ago my doctor asked if I had taken drugs as my heart rate was so high .... I seriously am not good in social situations .

WibblyWobblyJellyHead · 17/07/2016 09:49

You could write a note. It doesn't have to be detailed.

'My husband has raped me many times'.

The GP will understand you find it hard to talk about. Please let him help, you can't do this on your own.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/07/2016 09:54

6times, you need help, you need to have therapy too. Go to your GP this week. You have been through some really bad trauma which you have not had any help by the sounds of it. As I said, next time he is down, he could well do it again. That would always be at the back of my mind, that he is capable of violating another human being. What if you say the wrong thing, or do the wrong thing, it could happen again. I could never look at a man the same again if he did that to me.

Northernlurker · 17/07/2016 09:55

OP - the thing that jumps out at me is that you said he was sexually abusive but never harmed you. And yet when posters have described his treatment of you as rape you haven't disagreed. Rape is a violent act. It sounds to me like you don't see it as such and I would like to ask you why that is?
I suspect it's because you've buried what happened to you very deep. Don't try and address everything today. I know you're not going to read one thread and walk out of your marriage but please would you think about talking to somebody about the rape? You could ring Rape Crisis or Womens Aid.

Noonesfool · 17/07/2016 09:56

northern - the OP was the first person to describe it as rape

Aeroflotgirl · 17/07/2016 10:05

I agree, I think op is trying to bury it, and put it in the past, but has never gotten help for the issues, and its still affecting her. Does he tell you its in the past, and to forget it now?

Aeroflotgirl · 17/07/2016 10:06

I think she is trying to not see it as serious as it was, so that she can forget it an move on, but she has not resolved those issues and needs to work through them with a therapist. Yes call Rape Crisis, and Woman's Aid too.

kate33 · 17/07/2016 10:07

Ok well firstly you do have friends - on here if no where else. I know how hard it is to move and make new friends and harder still if you feel anxious in social settings. At my dcs school there is always something going on, workshops, committees etc and I have met some lovely people this way. Also mother and baby groups. Also how about the local church? It may not be your cup of tea but again they might have things going on (my kids - one a confirmed atheist at 8 yrs, love going to messy church club and I found it useful in a social way to meet people.
Secondly I think you have been very brave to share this awful bit of your life with us, op. I remember you talking about the doctor before and this time you have explained more. I think you do want help.
I bet your husband (cannot write dh) doesn't consider himself a rapist, would not dream of attacking the nanny etc but thinks that you owe him sex whenever he wants it! I am not even going to get into that, I am long winded at the best of times and there are not enough expletives.
Anyway please don't be "embarrassed " this is not your shame. See a female doctor, start making plans and keep talking. Xxx

Jasonandyawegunorts · 17/07/2016 10:08

6timesthehugs If you can't do it in person, Write a letter to your GP.

Cel982 · 17/07/2016 10:08

Of course the idea of breaking up your family and your home seems completely overwhelming, especially with six children to think of. You don't have to make that huge leap today. But you could take a small step towards getting yourself the help you need and deserve.

You say that your husband's abuse has ended, but the effects of it - your extreme fear and anxiety - are still happening for you. Your older kids will have picked up on that already, and they'll be frightened by it, even if they don't really understand why.

You don't have to live like this, OP. You can have a happy, comfortable life without all the fear and anxiety. It will mean some changes, but it's possible, and will be so much better for you and your kids. Please call one of the helplines that others have posted here and start talking to someone. They'll be very used to people finding it difficult to talk, and won't rush you or put pressure on you.

PokemonGo · 17/07/2016 10:12

What a sad thread. OP, you can ask for a double Drs appointment and you can also write down everything you want to say,. Drs have seen and heard everything.

Do you socialise with anyone other than your kids and your DH?

FantasticButtocks · 17/07/2016 10:16

Perhaps you could take dd to gp and concentrate on that. If he asks you questions about yourself, perhaps you could say could I have a separate appointment as i don't want to discuss my own situation in front of dd.

Do you understand that gp is trying to help you when he asks these things? What other motivation could he possibly have? Even if you don't want to leave/prosecute your husband, perhaps you could get some help/counselling for yourself to help you with your fear/anxiety.

I do think you would be the best person to take dd, not the nanny. You are her mum and you know her best.

It is not a weakness to accept help. You might start to feel better if you can unburden yourself to the doc Flowers

corythatwas · 17/07/2016 10:26

I understand where you are coming from, OP: you feel that if you can bear this alone, then your children will be able to have the life they are used to and nobody will be hurt except you.

Unfortunately, you cannot bear it alone, it doesn't work like that. You are so nervous that even the GP picks up on it during a casual visit: it is inconceivable that the children who live with you day and night won't have picked up the vibes. It is very frightening and damaging for children to feel that there is an undercurrent of fear and hurt in their house which they cannot understand. This isn't a problem you can just sweep under the carpet: it has to be dealt with one way or another.

At the very least, if you do not leave your husband, you need help to work through your trauma. Helplines sound good.

SuburbanRhonda · 17/07/2016 10:47

Sorry, missing the point a bit but why have you NC halfway through this thread, OP?

It's really difficult to find your posts.

thirdeyee · 17/07/2016 10:51

You can leave. I'm a single parent of 4.no family help, no friends. Not saying its always jolly! But it will be a million times better than living in fear. I think you know that your husband is not to be trusted around the kids hence never leaving them alone with him. He works long hours so plenty of time when he's not there to make arrangements. I bet old friends would try to help if you contacted them too. Theres women aid and refuge to contact as a starter. You can do it and you really should as you and your children are at risk, really you are. Talking to his friend wont change him from a controlling rapist. The moving you away, making sure your employment is through him and totally isolating you speaks volumes.

Hellochicken · 17/07/2016 11:16

I agree that you should take your dd, also you should go back and tell your GP about the sexual abuse.
Your GP cannot make you do anything, will remain completely confidential. It sounds like no-one knows what you have been through and I think someone should.
Just suppose his "depression" came back, do you have a vague plan of what you would do?

AhCheeses · 17/07/2016 11:45

Firstly, you do have friends.
Everyone here will listen and help you.
You might not hear things you want to hear but there are things that have been said that you really need to listen to.
I would absolutely come with you and hold your hand while you spoke to the Dr, as would anyone who knew what you were going through because it is that serious.
I can't really add any more advice than you've already been given but I just wanted to say you're not alone, there is more support out there than you can imagine, but you do have to make the first move, no one else can do it for you.
If your GP has already picked up on the vibes you're giving off then I'd say he is a good place to go next.
You've already made a good start by talking about it here... don't stop now.

Kmoggy · 17/07/2016 12:06

Dear god I'm crying for you and your beautiful children! Op please call woman's aid! They will and can help you unpick this all with no judgement, they will support you to make the choice that is right for you and if that is staying then they will support you to do that too! All your questions a worker there can answer and assist you with, they can provide safe refuge for you and te kids! Don't worry about social services too much, they will work with you to make sure you and kids are safe...they are all there to help not remove children from their mother! Sounds to me you have no idea about the definition of abuse or tactics hence why you think it's not that bad.. It may well be not bad at the moment but you only need to step out of line again and it will happen again and again!
Please call them... Even if it's anonymously! U can't possible work through this on your own and he is abusing you sexually, financially, amd emotionally, he has isolated you and no doubt controls you! I wish I could help u more, I see this every day at work but trust me you have options xxxx

6timesthehugs · 17/07/2016 12:47

Northern - it wasn't violent it's hard to explain without sounding like a total fool.

I name changed just because I had tidied and my house wasn't messy anymore so I thought it would be nice to change - I didn't realise this thread would be so long Blush sorry.

6timesthehugs · 17/07/2016 12:49

Yes Kate that is it. He is not going to go out and randomly attack people it's not like that.

It's just that he thought I am his wife and so that's just how it works.