AIBU to get our nanny to take dd to the doctor because I can't face it?

[6timesthemess]

My dd is wetting herself again, no pain , no other signs of infections. Doctors appointment Monday. I only work two days a week but for those days we have a nanny who comes to look after the children.

Every time I go to the doctors he questions me on why I am so anxious - is anyone harming me at home.

Last time he said "why won't you let me help you?". I feel terrible when I leave.

AIBU to just get our nanny to take her - I feel terrible not being there but I'm not sure my mental state can take another 10 minutes of questioning.

You could ask your doctor for a block of two consecutive appointments.

I would like to just say to someone in real life. I just Don't know what to say. It's just stupid things now like he couldn't shut a draw today so he just kind of scream growled at it and slammed his first down on it. It sounds really silly when you actually say it. Or we had sex today and it was fine apart from the fact he doesn't seem happy unless he is pushing the boundaries of what is pleasant and not.

And it was embarrassing enough writing that down let alone saying it to anyone in real life.

Slammed his fist. So he is even angry and threatening with inanimate objects.
Pushes the boundaries of what's pleasant. So he tries to make you do or submit to unpleasant things with regards to sex.
None of this is loving or respectful. No wonder you are anxious.

It used to be that he would just keep on until I just gave up but now he does stop i say so that's a big improvement anyway.

But it's not ok to be pushed to do things you don't want to. It really isn't. My dad used to hit my mum. He stopped. Didn't mean he wasn't abusive though.
This isn't healthy. It really isn't.

My exH used to do that raging at inanimate objects thing.
It was done to keep me afraid. It made him completely unapproachable, so I kept any feelings I had about anything - birds singing, children doing well in school, something stinking in the fridge, wondering if we could afford to put the DCs in piano classes - to myself,and the result was we only talked about topics he brought up. It made me focus my attention on him at all times, trying to gauge his mood so that I could head off a tantrum or brace myself. It also made me put pressure on myself to have everything very perfect all the time, so that he would never be 'set off'.

No way to live.

It doesn't sound one bit silly to say it, to write it. It may sound disloyal, from your pov. It may make you fearful of what will happen once you say it. You may be afraid that someone will ask you to make decisions once you have said it.

When I talked to a therapist she took me 100% seriously and it felt incredible to have someone else realise how much I was dealing with. She did not say I had to make any decisions or commit to any course of action. She told me she wanted me to come back and keep on talking.

Violence isn't always quick and visible.

Taking away your consent leaves wounds that you can not see and will not heal.

You have experienced trauma.

Life is not a movie with a groovy musical sound track. It's wonderful moments and horrific ones sandwiched in between endless loads of laundry and drinking cups of tea.

Your brain is trying to process this violent trauma. It doesn't fit with what you know to be harmful. Violence came out among the normality of life.

You have scars. You cannot see them but we can. You need help. If you like your GP reach to to him

I didn't know how awful it was or how I felt until I left. When I was in the middle of the relationship I protected myself by not allowing myself to think much about it. I recognised it was wrong but real life had to keep going.
I know how embarrassing and hard talking about this stuff can be. I hope you don't feel bullied by this thread and everyone giving you advice on a topic you never asked for but people are worried for you. I think you need to get help. Starting with talking to your GP. Look after yourself lovely

Oh 6times I just want to give you a massive hug and say it will all be OK. You know he is a bully. If everything seems fine for now it's because he has manipulated you into thinking that. It's a way of controlling how you feel. So he didn't kick off today, making you a)grateful b)in a false sense of happiness, c) on edge waiting for the next time. I too have been cowed for a long time by a bully (and I haven't made my way out yet).
Nothing you have said is silly. It's all the little things added up, that make you less than you, that make you grateful he is away a lot, that he "behaved" for a day, that his abuse is "less than it was", that nobody had a big row or cried today. I have used these excuses myself for a long time. I feel like a hollow of a person, like I'm dead inside.
Please follow all the advice on here to talk to your gp. And get some support. It's hard to have strength when you have been ground down by a bully and an abuser, esp with 6kids to look after!
Your comment about his pushing boundaries.... is he sulking still when he doesn't get the thing he wants? Even if you are refusing (glad to hear that) does he still go ahead regardless, or are you met with a strop and freezing you out, making you feel guilty and selfish? If so, then he is still abusing you.
I know this thread was about your DD but the underlying issue is your understandable anxiety and history of being oppressed and bullied by a controlling selfish man. Your mental health is more important than him getting his own way.

Big hugs 6times, as you open up more on here, I think it is helping you face the reality of the situation, instead of pretending everything is ok and trying to bury it. This is not a loving relationship, and by the sounds of things, I don't think it is resolved. He could always do it again if he is stressed, he is capable once, he is capable again. I don't think he has gotten the proper help. A therapist friend is not the same as a impartial professional therapist referred to him by the GP. He is still pushing the boundaries, and making sure your afraid of him, that is not a loving and caring relationship.

Do you think you could talk to a new counsellor? The way you write about the one you tried to talk to suggests you are convinced no one will believe you... And that your husband is so personable and convincing that you won't be believed.

It sounds like you have given up anything about yourself, that it almost doesn't matter that deep down your feelings and perceptions are telling you something different from the reality he imposes on top of you.

I just wanted you to know that you matter, your feelings matter, your reality nesters. You sound so squashed and defeated. You cannot live ignoring your own needs and ever be happy, or healthy.

A counsellor could help you work out what's going on and help you find yourself under all the layers you've got on top of you that have built up to help you cope.

And a counsellor will never meet your husband. They will never get the persuasion and charm. They will never doubt you and decide to favour the easier version of reality your husband presents. Nor will Women's Aid. And nor will we.

Even if you yourself feel thoroughly convinced in your husbands reality/ rhetoric. I've been there. Easier to believe in my husbands version of life rather than the much more awful and difficult truth going on beneath.

Ok the doctor wanted to do a phone appointment about dd rather than take her in so I can take that at work. Which is one thing.

but you need to sort yourself out, and think about yourself. The doctor is right, book an appointment for you.

6times
You must feel like you are living next to an unexploded bomb. He hasn't changed otherwise he wouldn't be displaying aggression and pushing boundaries. Raging at inanimate objects is a common tactic by abusers to keep their partners scared and on edge.

Please get yourself some help.

6times, you poor love, your posts make me want to come and get you and your dc right now. You say you have no one you can turn to but your gp is offering to be that someone for you, you just need to reach out and grab that help with both hands. Make an appointment for yourself and as others said if you don't think you will be able to talk about your situation, then write it down for him. You are responsible for 6 lives, and no matter how much you tell yourself that they are unaffected and don't know about all this, I promise you they will be. If you can't do it for yourself do it for them, show them that they don't have to live like this when they grow up, show them the courage you have inside to make a better life for you and them, I guarantee that houses and money are nothing compared to real happiness which is what you and your children will find if you take this one step. It will be tough but nothing compared to the misery in which you are living now, no wonder you are anxious. Please, please take the help from your gp, it sounds as though he is desperate to try and help you but trying not to overstep the boundaries of his profession by pushing you too much. Wishing you the luck and happiness you truly deserve

OP, why do you feel you don't deserve a life without tiptoeing around an abusive bully?
He IS a bully, a rapist, clearly has huge boundary issues and has ZERO respect for you (and probably women in general). He is not depressed, he is an abusive arsehole. The 'friend' probably told him to stop raping you or he would go to jail.

Please talk to the GP, he is a good one, one who cares!
I'd look into finding a new job asap. A new job will give you financial independence from him. A first step. Just search and apply and see what comes back.
I join the queue of worried mnetters, you seem far far far too detached from what happened and is still happening to you, which is not good. You do it to survive, but it prevents you from getting away from your abuser.

Please let people help you.

It's totally understandable that you're unsure about what you would say to the GP or anyone else you might talk to about it.
You could start with something very simple such as:
"Sometimes I feel afraid of my husband"
"He has abused me in the past and I think he might do it again"
"I think my husband's behaviour might be abusive"
And if you feel able to talk about specifics you could say
"My husband often gets angry and aggressive" (you could give the example of slamming the drawer)
"He has raped me in the past. He doesn't do it any more but he sometimes pressures me to do things I don't like."

However if you think it would be hard to say any of those things, that's ok, you only have to say as much as you are comfortable with. As PPs have suggested, perhaps you could write it down.

Do you think you would prefer to talk to your GP or call a telephone helpline (eg the Women's Aid one)?

Hi OP.

I was the child in a relationship which was not as bad as yours with DH. My dad was what people today would call 'emotionally and verbally abusive'. He did the silent treatment, raging at inanimate objects, grim atmosphere, sudden explosions, insane rages.

My mum stayed with him till my youngest sister was 16 and I was in my mid-20s. From the earliest time I can remember, I didn't know why she was with him. Today, I can see that me and all my siblings are affected by the way we grew up. We are all damaged in some way.

My mum was in a similar situation to you - 4 DC, financially dependent up on v high-earning dad. She also did not want to sacrifice our lifestyles and the opportunities we had.

None of this is cut and dried. People who haven't lived in these situations will often act like it is. On the one hand, I did have a very privileged upbringing and that has helped me get where I am today. On the other, it has definitely damaged me and my siblings, probably forever.

I am not angry with my mum for not leaving. She was acting in her children's best interests. I am not angry with my dad for his behaviour (mostly). I now realise he is the product of a pretty horrific childhood himself. We actually have a very cordial relationship now.

However, having a baby myself now, NO WAY would I let her stay in any environment with such anger and tension. Today, my mum is often surprised by things I remember from my childhood. Those things will stay with your DC as much as the good material things your DH salary can provide.

I won't blame you whatever you decide to do. But I think personally you should consider the negative impact on your DC of staying where you are.

Why are you so anxious with the GP? Is it because you don't know how to approach your situation, or do you not want to talk about it with him? It's okay not to want to confide in him, even if he is a nice guy. If you want to seek help but not with him, you can brush him off and get it elsewhere - he doesn't 'own' your problems just because he is concerned.

I am at work today so sorry for being so slow replying.

I think the main problem I have with discussing it with my gp is that is isn't a medical problem if you see what I mean so really it doesn't seem relevant.

Mellifera I don't feel like I don't deserve a life I just haven't thought about it really

If it is having an impact on your wellbeing (physical or mental) then it is a medical problem. Your GP is a gateway into other services, they may not be the one who directly helps you but they can get you in touch with people who can help.

OP, how does your dd act around your husband? Does she spend any time alone with him?

I may be overly suspicious but personally, if I was living with a sex offender and my daughter suddenly started wetting the bed, I would be suspicious.

My dd isn't being harmed by my dh. She acts fine around him and no she is never alone with him.

My dd isn't being harmed by my dh.

So your GP, who I assume you don't see too often, noticed things weren't right, but you don't give the same credit to the children who live in the same house?

I hope you are able to get the help you need OP.