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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to get our nanny to take dd to the doctor because I can't face it?

227 replies

6timesthemess · 16/07/2016 22:58

My dd is wetting herself again, no pain , no other signs of infections. Doctors appointment Monday. I only work two days a week but for those days we have a nanny who comes to look after the children.

Every time I go to the doctors he questions me on why I am so anxious - is anyone harming me at home.

Last time he said "why won't you let me help you?". I feel terrible when I leave.

AIBU to just get our nanny to take her - I feel terrible not being there but I'm not sure my mental state can take another 10 minutes of questioning.

OP posts:
6timesthehugs · 18/07/2016 15:12

No phonecall yet . It's not an urgent appointment so not sure if it will be today - could be tomorrow I suppose

kali110 · 18/07/2016 15:28

You deserve better op, you and your dd.
You deserve a life with a dh who doesn't shout or make you have unpleasant sex or sex at all Flowers

Aeroflotgirl · 18/07/2016 15:40

It's worrying that she is never alone with him,why?

RevoltingPeasant · 18/07/2016 15:52

OP I don't want to me-rail your thread but just to reiterate - you are in a situation where you are being bullied. As part of taking control of that, I think you should start sharing your problems in a way you feel comfortable with.

You obviously feel upset/ weird/ humiliated/ delete as appropriate talking to your GP. That's okay. You are allowed to feel that it is not productive to talk to him. These are VERY intimate and personal things, and sometimes you just don't click with someone.

What about starting off with a helpline like Rape Crisis or Women's Aid? The Citizens' Advice Bureau? Maybe even just talking to a female GP? Yes, your GP sounds like a nice guy and is well-placed to help you. If you can bring yourself to open up to him, that's great. But if not, don't be too hard on yourself. You have already experienced violation and exposure. You don't need to feel like that again.

6timesthehugs · 18/07/2016 16:07

Aero - no particular reason it's just that he doesn't tend to do much of the childcare and he is out at work from before they get up until after the get home.

6timesthehugs · 18/07/2016 16:25

Thanks revolting.

6timesthehugs · 18/07/2016 16:41

Revolting - I don't know if it would be any easier talking to a helpline maybe it would.

HattiesBackpack · 18/07/2016 16:48

OP you sound like you feel very lonely, I hope that reading the responses here helps you to feel comforted. I think that your posts are the first steps to admitting to yourself that you are very unhappy, this is something that can be changed. I hope that you can gain the courage to take the next steps, which is reaching out to someone in real life. This could be anyone that you want - a GP, a nurse, a teacher, or even a friendly face on the school run.
Keep posting OP you are not alone xx

Aeroflotgirl · 18/07/2016 17:07

Oh ok, I am glad you have opened up on here, at least you have made the first step, I think you were at first trying to paint a rosy facard to us, but underneath all is not well, and that mabey in a way that is your way of trying to pretend everything is ok, when it is absolutely not!

toodles60 · 18/07/2016 17:44

I genuinely don't understand why people can't say daughter, son etc instead of dd or dh. its confusing for some and a bit ridiculous

Mellifera · 18/07/2016 17:45

I would not advise opening up to a friendly face on the school run (sorry HattiesBackpack), but first to someone who is bound by confidentiality - someone like your GP or a helpline.

The advantage of a helpline is that there are trained counsellors who speak to women in your situation all day. They know exactly where and how to get help.

The advantage of your GP is that you probably don't have to explain much and he knows how much anti-anxiety meds you are on and has obviously put 2 and 2 together.

Keep talking to us, it will give you confidence to speak to someone in RL, a helpline would be a great start!

Mellifera · 18/07/2016 17:46

toodles, not at all ridiculous and what has your opinion on abbreviations got to do with OP's problem?

pollymere · 18/07/2016 17:59

Is there a possibility that wetting is linked to Nanny? You need to talk to your little one as cause is usually emotional/psychological. If you do back to Dr, say that you're not aware of any underlying issues. If you're anxious about wetting, it does tend to make it worse.

LittleMuffinBabyboy · 18/07/2016 18:13

I do not feel it is fair to scare OP with threats of social services getting involved etc nor is IMHO pushing her to talk to the gp the right way to encourage someone to deal with a painful and complicated situation like the one described, 6times I feel that your posting here is already a very brave attempt to talk about something obviously very sensitive and difficult and perhaps to seek help in your own way. I totally understand you feeling uncomfortable when the gp addresses this topic like he has as to me it is not necessarily a tactful way to talk to someone you don't know very well, especially if he picks up on your anxiety he should know his way to get you to talk can possibly make you more nervous. I wonder if you have ever talked this with anyone either friend or family, and if you have not if it was because you thought it would protect your family from judgments etc.
Having said that given you have been posting on this and something is clearly preoccupying you I feel it would be beneficial if you could talk about how you feel with someone you trust who knows your present situation and could help you take a further step when you feel ready.

lotbyname · 18/07/2016 18:17

My partner feels very damaged by being ignored by his father. "He just did his own thing and was never there. We never saw him. He wasnt involved in our lives" etc etc etc . If your children dont see him and he doesn't deal with them this is a very bad thing. Ive seen it have long term consequences. Good luck op, if i knew how to do the flowers thingy you'd get extra many bunches.

Xenophile · 18/07/2016 18:27

6, I'm sorry, and I don't want to pile on, or for you to feel piled upon, but I am concerned for you and your children's safety with this man.

How many UTIs has your DD had in the time between your 'D'H calming down and now?

Ginkypig · 18/07/2016 18:30

6times

Your being very brave to start to talk about things on here.

I know you don't feel like what has happened or could still be likely to happen is as bad as some people are trying to tell you it is but it is.

I think you should start to write it down even if you think it's stupid or foolish or not that bad and then you can eith post it on here so you can see others honest reactions (which might help you to see it from people outside the situation reactions) or give it to the gp or get a different gp. You could even get an appointment at rape crisis or woman's aid.

Your too close so you can't see how bad it is or that you deserve better than this

Iv been in a similar situation and it's only now I look back (nearly 15 years ago) that I understand how wrong I was treated by somone who I was meant to be able to trust.

There are a lot of people on here who want to support and advise you so don't be scared to keep coming back ok.

Flowers for you.

Ginkypig · 18/07/2016 18:31

Or you could write it down just for you so it's not only in your head!

BITCAT · 18/07/2016 18:33

6 this is really quite worrying. Please seek help this is not normal behaviour from your dh. You can not stay just for money or security reasons. And I'm not just saying this without any experience. I was with my kids dad for 14 years..it was an awful relationship and although he never hurt the children physically, emotionally it did have an affect on them. I with help managed to get out of it, a close friend helped me he pulled me out of what I had become, very low no confidence and not me. That guy is now my partner we have been together 7 years and he is the best thing that ever happened to me. There dad does have contact with them but the best thing is we are all a lot happier and more relaxed especially the children. You see happy mom equals happy kids. It's not easy no..but it is worth it in the end. There are people who can and will help you. You just need to take that first step to realise you and your children are worth more. Feel free to pm me if you want to talk.

BITCAT · 18/07/2016 18:33

6 this is really quite worrying. Please seek help this is not normal behaviour from your dh. You can not stay just for money or security reasons. And I'm not just saying this without any experience. I was with my kids dad for 14 years..it was an awful relationship and although he never hurt the children physically, emotionally it did have an affect on them. I with help managed to get out of it, a close friend helped me he pulled me out of what I had become, very low no confidence and not me. That guy is now my partner we have been together 7 years and he is the best thing that ever happened to me. There dad does have contact with them but the best thing is we are all a lot happier and more relaxed especially the children. You see happy mom equals happy kids. It's not easy no..but it is worth it in the end. There are people who can and will help you. You just need to take that first step to realise you and your children are worth more. Feel free to pm me if you want to talk.

BITCAT · 18/07/2016 18:38

Don't know why that posted twice.

RedHelenB · 18/07/2016 18:40

It is not normal to not ever leave your kids alone with their father. You need to speak to your GP.

elfies · 18/07/2016 19:48

Big Hugs and best wishes for you to find the confidence to get yourself an appointment....please !!

chocolatestrawberries · 18/07/2016 20:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Noonesfool · 18/07/2016 20:22

Hello OP. I've been thinking about you a lot today.
Wishing I could do more to help, mainly.
Hope you're doing ok.

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