AIBU to get our nanny to take dd to the doctor because I can't face it?

[6timesthemess]

My dd is wetting herself again, no pain , no other signs of infections. Doctors appointment Monday. I only work two days a week but for those days we have a nanny who comes to look after the children.

Every time I go to the doctors he questions me on why I am so anxious - is anyone harming me at home.

Last time he said "why won't you let me help you?". I feel terrible when I leave.

AIBU to just get our nanny to take her - I feel terrible not being there but I'm not sure my mental state can take another 10 minutes of questioning.

[yoink]

6times, if you are visibly anxious then your GP can help; he could review your meds and make sure you're on the best possible option for you. He could also refer you for some talking therapy which, tbh, sounds like it could be beneficial.

You feel as if you have no options but chatting to a therapist could help you make sense of what you've been through and what you want to do next.

[BoboChic]

It is not appropriate for your nanny to take you DD to the doctor about bed wetting. Any doctor will want to see a or both parent(s) about bed wetting which is a red flag symptom that requires proper investigation.

[6timesthehugs]

The situation now to be perfectly honest is that he live here ,spends a lot of time at work and entertains himself at the weekend.

The kids and I have a nice stable life and I know if doesn't sound like it here but things are actually great for us now. He does not take part in family things really at all . Now for example we are all up he is in bed.

If I left him the only difference was that I would be a single mother to 6 children with no house and no money.

[kesstrel]

OP, if you are this anxious, seeing a therapist yourself would probably help. The doctor could refer you to this. You have been through a bad time, and need some help to recover. For what it's worth, I don't necessarily agree with all the people here who are sceptical about your DH's depression and recovery, and I understand what you mean about it turning him into a "different person". However, talking to a therapist would help you get that clear in your head, and could also help give you mental strategies to reduce your anxiety (CBT would be best for this). And remember, if you don't like your therapist, or feel they are taking the wrong approac/ don't understand your issues, you can always stop, or change therapists. Couple therapy would also be an option, but I would see someone individually first.

[6timesthehugs]

If I thought that my dd was harmed in any way I would leave in a second

[reallyanotherone]

The nanny doesn't have pr, so it's likely the dr won't see her without you anyway, unless it's an emergency.

Even if he does, it could make him more worried about you and set alarm bells really ringing.

[AliceInUnderpants]

If I thought that my dd was harmed in any way I would leave in a second

You don't think living with a rapist is being harmed?

[Noonesfool]

Your children will be harmed by living with someone who repeatedly raped their mother.

They will be harmed by living with someone who is emotionally abusive.

I feel for you, OP, you are doing your best in a really hideous situation. But I wonder what advice you would give your daughter, in the future, if she was with a man who did that to her?

[6timesthehugs]

If it was my daughter I would take her in. I don't have any family so that's out!.

[NameChange30]

Depression does not make someone abusive FFS.

It is very difficult for an abusive man to be "fixed" - did he call the Respect helpline? Did he do the Freedom Programme for men?

Even if he really is "fixed", you still have to live with the memory of his abuse - hence the anxiety you have now.

I suggest you open up to your GP. He could refer you for counselling and other support.

If you don't feel able to do that, would you consider calling Women's Aid or doing the Freedom Programme?

If you do nothing else please read the abuser profiles thread and the book "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft.

[Porcupinetree]

"He has never harmed me and so bruises seriously are just accidental!. "

Sounds like he has damaged you emotionally tho doesn't it!

I honestly think the fact that you are aware enough to write this post means you should 'woman up' and take charge of your situation. Your daughter needs help and by the sound of it so do you.

[6timesthehugs]

Everything that happened was private in no way have my children ever witnessed it . I don't run around having panic attacks and screaming. I am terrified now that the gp is about the report me to social services . The children are all well cared for and happy they do well at school and have no issues other than the bed wetting which I am confident is not related to this.

I can't just get up and walk out . How many places can I really go with 6 children under 11 and no money.

[ThatsMyStapler]

6, please listen to the posters here, this is not a good life for you or your dcs

You should really speak with a professional counselor, it's not shameful to ask for help, it's what they are there for.

[NameChange30]

Well, it doesn't sound as if you feel ready to end the relationship, but if you did:

• You are the primary carer for the children so you should stay in the house with them and your husband should leave
  
• You will be entitled to at least half the marital assets
  
• Your husband will have to pay you child maintenance
  
• You may be entitled to benefits such as child tax credits and other financial help

[ElsieMc]

Have you posted about your GP before as I recall something similar. Sending your nanny may result in more questions being asked. I am a grandparent carer for two boys and if they have to go to A and E I get the third degree, even asking why I have a residence order. I had to ask the doctor concerned to apply a modicum of sensitivity last time as the kids can actually hear!

We had a panic alarm in our home because of the childrens' dad and if there were any electricity cuts, it would go off resulting in police turning up and often taking me outside to make sure my dh hadn't hurt me. They were meant to know why it was in, but of course didn't always have time to check. They even accused my own dd of being a burglar when they turned up until she could show them herself in family photos in the house.

What I am trying to say, a bit long windedly, is that he is not sure what is going on and is concerned for you (and your children) as to the source of your anxiety.

Take your dd yourself and tell him clearly (if it is true of course) that no-one is hurting you. At least he cares enough to ask.

[Porcupinetree]

"I can't just get up and walk out . How many places can I really go with 6 children under 11 and no money."

No you're absolutely right they're much better with the emotionally abusive rapist! Honestly actually read what you are writing!!

[NameChange30]

Do people RTFT?! Or the OP's posts at least?!

[NameChange30]

Cross post, my last one (09:25) was in response to Elsie.

[6timesthehugs]

Elsie I posted last time I went about the gp because he was saying "well mrs6times for thousands of years women have raised children with the help of their community" etc .

I have no idea what I am supposed to do. I have no family, no friends , no money and if I left dh no job as he is also my boss../

[yoink]

Couples therapy is not recommended where there is/has been abusive in the relationship.

6times, LTB may seem extreme and impossible, but please consider getting some support for yourself to start figuring out what really is best for you and your children. You think they are completely unaware of any abuse, but children understand and see more than we realise. They will be aware that something isn't right in your household and if you are visibly anxious they will pick up on that too.

If your GP is thinking about a SS referral (and if he is, I guess there is perhaps more to this story) then it will be about getting you help. SS don't want to remove children (they really don't have the funds to whip children away willy nilly), they want to keep them safe.

[Noonesfool]

He's your boss also?

Why no family or friends, OP?

[NameChange30]

"I have no idea what I am supposed to do."

A few suggestions:

• open up to your GP
  
• get counselling
  
• call Women's Aid (for emotional and practical support)
  
• call the Rights of Women family law helpline (for free legal advice)
  
• talk to CAB about benefits you would be entitled to if you split up and/or lost your job

[6timesthehugs]

Yes. We work together.

My family is dead or distant and we moved here 3 years ago to be near his family and I just never made any new friends.

[memyselfandaye]

He would have to pay child support and you would have child benefit, tax credits and help with housing costs.

You may have a different standard of living, things would be tight but I would rather live in a tent under a bridge than with a man who repeatedly raped me.

In years to come how do you think your adult children would feel if they knew you stayed with their rapist Father for their sakes?

I know it seems like everyone is jumping on you, but dear god everyone reading your story is horrifed.

You deserve better than this.

[Noonesfool]

Are you close to his family?