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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Inlaws coming over every summer

125 replies

Ilikelegos · 15/07/2016 11:33

Dear all , I need you advice . My inlaws live in another country and they come over every summer for 6 weeks . During this time they stay with us , I am responsible for the entire cooking which involves elaborate dishes , cleaning , dishwashing and helping them buy gifts and entertaining . My husband does groceries and takes them to places where they want to visit so I hardly see him before 11 every night. Plus he works 1-2 months overtime before they come and 1-2 months after they leave to finance the entire visit . He takes majority of his vacation time during the visit and we go on our big family vacation during this time with them . We are unable to afford any other major trips after that .
I am getting fed up with this . AIBU? If I bring it up my husband he feels his parents are not welcome . My point is they can come and stay as long but can't they do it in spring / Autumn . And I deserve my vacation without them ? What would you all do in my place ? How would you bring the subject to a husband who feels guilty that he is living far from his parents ?

OP posts:

HarryPottersMagicWand · 15/07/2016 11:40

Wow YANBU! So most of your year is actually taken up with the ILs, when they are there for so long and 4 months around their visit to pay for it.

Over my dead body! Who is more important to your DH, you or his parents? Sorry but it doesn't sound like you. I couldn't stick this level of visiting every single year.

I'd say 2 weeks max in the summer, they don't go on holiday with you, and they pay towards it! I'd also not do any running around for them/after them. Your DH wants them there, he can do all the extra involved in having them there.

RosieandJim89 · 15/07/2016 11:43

I would not be happy with this at all.

I would suggest they break up the stay and do 2/3 weeks in the summer and then 2 weeks another time of year.

pictish · 15/07/2016 11:44

What would I do? Put a stop to summer being dominated by my in laws.

There is nothing wrong with spending summers with loved ones but I think all parties have to be in agreement about it. If they are not, someone is suffering and that's not on. Six weeks is a loooong time to be 'on' 24/7.

Your dh is blinkered and selfish and I can you without a grain of uncertainty that if he was married to me, this scenario would not be occurring.

pictish · 15/07/2016 11:45

Sorry...I can assure you....

badg3r · 15/07/2016 11:51

Do you get on with PILs? Can you maybe go and visit them instead for a few weeks and then have some time yourselves? Is there pressure on DH from his parents to have them for so much time? Or can you plan to go away yourself just for one week or so while they are all here so he can see for himself exactly how much work is involved on your part?!
I think the problem is with your DH not understanding how much effort it is for you. What about your own parents, do you see them as much?
Depending on the distance I would be suggesting a few shorter visits throughout the year and ditching the family holiday with them.

Original poster

Ilikelegos · 15/07/2016 12:00

I am so glad I am not the only one .
They Do pay towards their vacation , buy their own tickets and they are very well to do , so do put in quite a bit of money . But the issue is we don't have much extra money ( large mortgage ) and when they come our groceries multiply as they expect ALOT of fresh fruits( we always have 4-5 times fruits in our house but they want nearly berries to be there as well) , fancy breads and they love marks and spencer food aisle which we don't usually buy from + gifts for them and relatives back home .
Also they helped put in money towards our down payment so my husband feels really obligated . I repeatedly asked him not to take money from them , we would have gotten a smaller house but his parents wanted us to have a big house so they are not troubled when they come and were very generous at that time . They are not bad people but I have started dreading summers:(
Plus there was a whole lot of drama in the past around my childbirth . They wanted to name the kids and won partially , every part of child upbringing is questioned , my cleaning and housekeeping skills are always under scrutiny , my only sisters wedding they affected because of their neediness to be around me and my sons .
The thing is I avoid confrontations , I get teary when I talk about issues that upset me so I have never told them how it all affects me . I have always respected them and never been anything but nice despite all but I feel drained out

OP posts:

Whiteplate1 · 15/07/2016 12:06

Are you from an Asian or Arab culture?

ceebie · 15/07/2016 12:06

Why does it involve 'eloborate dishes'? (misses main point)

Original poster

Ilikelegos · 15/07/2016 12:08

I go in winters to see my parents which is for 3 weeks . They live far away so two trips might not be a possibility but I will try asking about it .
My husband does go to see them twice during the year as well for 4-5 days each time . They want to spend more than 6 weeks with their grand kids and always emotionally black mail us that other grandparents see their grandchildren grow up . We Skype with them every weekend , my husband talks to them nearly everyday / every other day. My MIL has panic attacks because she feels lonely and keeps on constantly reminding us that .

OP posts:

Gazelda · 15/07/2016 12:10

Could you break the cycle by suggesting that you visit them this year (or next if its too late?). A 2 week stay max, because DH can't be away from work for longer. Your DC will want to see their GPs homeland.

This would allow the rest of DH's annual leave to be used for your family unit.

But I'm not sure how this would work financially - would they pay for your air tickets?

Once you've broken the habit of every summer at your home, you can try different times of year, locations etc.

But I think you need to be honest with your DH. He can't know how much this upsets you unless you tell him. It isn't fair to blame him for not understanding if you haven't been completely honest about how much, and why, this is a problem for you.

Original poster

Ilikelegos · 15/07/2016 12:12

Elaborate dishes , means they want three food items( 1-2 meat dish , one vegetable dish , one lentil / bean dish plus rice / pita bread ) at one time . On normal
Days I don't cook food like this . They can't have barbecued / grilled food more than once a week .

OP posts:

rwilkinson84 · 15/07/2016 12:14

My MIL has panic attacks because she feels lonely and keeps on constantly reminding us that .

I'm sorry but tell your MIL to get a grip. They're completely rail-roading your summer and it's not on. Your DH needs to get a spine and start putting his nuclear family first because they are the ones (you) who are/is suffering.

redexpat · 15/07/2016 12:16

In which case she should be more sympathetic to your anxiety! The thing is, their behaviour has gone unchallenged so it will probably come as a real surprise to them.

Swirlingasong · 15/07/2016 12:17

Yanbu at all! That's a huge amount of time. Also, they wanted to name you children??

ceebie · 15/07/2016 12:17

In reality, it seems unlikley that there will be a major change (i.e. complete stop to 6 week visits) without a major family rift.

To be honest, you've kind of tied yourself into this deal now by accepting money for a bigger house to accommodate these visits.

You need to think about what minor changes could be made to make it work better. Could your MIL cook one day a week? Could PIL buy fruit? Why are so many outings needed - could this change? How could you make it cheaper?

Talk to your DH. Don't moan about their visit, but discuss practical ways to make it work better.

Original poster

Ilikelegos · 15/07/2016 12:17

I have been honest with my husband not my inlaws . He gets really defensive so I have it go .

We tried the visiting idea , I stayed with them for 4 weeks . My MIL came with me on my way back and stayed another 4 weeks 😬😬

I hinted the idea to inlaws that we can come over for two /three weeks and they said that will be nice and they can come with us afterwards so they won't have to worry about picking luggage 😬😬

OP posts:

ceebie · 15/07/2016 12:20

So what happens if you don't cook such an elaborate meal?

Original poster

Ilikelegos · 15/07/2016 12:23

I like the idea of doing things cheap and finding practical ways . What do you suggest ladies ? I normally bulk buy household products from macro and do groceries from sainsbury . I was thinking of going over to Aldi and getting bulk of fruits from there . How do I cut the trips to marks and spencer ? They want to buy all those fruit boxes so last time I started making them those at home and cutting pineapples and other fruit up to bring the cost down a bit . Any other suggestions?

OP posts:

EarthboundMisfit · 15/07/2016 12:24

I have the same issue OP.

Whiteplate1 · 15/07/2016 12:24

Sounds like very strong very cultural reasons for behaving the way they do.

Typical of the husband in these cases to get defensive over his parents and a high expectation of you as a daughter in law. Parents wouldn't be expected to fund anything, all the responsibility of the son in your culture

Original poster

Ilikelegos · 15/07/2016 12:24

ceebie , my husband orders or they ask me to order which makes it much more expensive

OP posts:

BeMorePanda · 15/07/2016 12:26

I am responsible for the entire cooking which involves elaborate dishes , cleaning , dishwashing and helping them buy gifts and entertaining

On this basis alone YANU to say no bloody way am I doing it again.

Original poster

Ilikelegos · 15/07/2016 12:28

White plate , I don't want to say which culture I am from ( as I don't want to compromise my identity ) but you are very accurate in your guesses .
The thing is none of other friends put up with this , not even back home any more . But my inlaws aren't like others as well . They are sweeter but much more controlling in a very subtle way .

OP posts:

Headofthehive55 · 15/07/2016 12:29

IT must be hard being apart. A woman I knew saved all year to go each year to her DD in America. For the six weeks holiday. She tried to build a relationship with her grandkids in that short space of time. I don't think Skype etc really is a good substitute.

Part if me thinks that's the downside if living far away from parents. My neice lives in Oz. She plans and talks about coming home to see everyone, but her DH of course doesn't see much need as he has his parents nearby.

Perhaps make the trips less lavish. Forget to provide as much food. Scrimp.

Original poster

Ilikelegos · 15/07/2016 12:30

Earthbound misfit , I can feel your pain if you have the same issue. I stress eat and gain 6-8 kg before every summer and than work hard to loose it the rest of year😬

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