Inlaws coming over every summer

[Ilikelegos]

Dear all , I need you advice . My inlaws live in another country and they come over every summer for 6 weeks . During this time they stay with us , I am responsible for the entire cooking which involves elaborate dishes , cleaning , dishwashing and helping them buy gifts and entertaining . My husband does groceries and takes them to places where they want to visit so I hardly see him before 11 every night. Plus he works 1-2 months overtime before they come and 1-2 months after they leave to finance the entire visit . He takes majority of his vacation time during the visit and we go on our big family vacation during this time with them . We are unable to afford any other major trips after that .
I am getting fed up with this . AIBU? If I bring it up my husband he feels his parents are not welcome . My point is they can come and stay as long but can't they do it in spring / Autumn . And I deserve my vacation without them ? What would you all do in my place ? How would you bring the subject to a husband who feels guilty that he is living far from his parents ?

I don't know what to advise you. This would be untenable for me but I simply can't see how you get out of it when your husband won't support you. Putting your foot down sounds like it will result in hideous fall out and rifts and I can't see how you manage that without dh onside.

Introduce more meat free for health reasons.

Explain to them that you are struggling right now, and are cutting back.

dont do it?

sory if he gets defensive but he doesnt seem to care much-why shold u fund a 6 week stay at your expense

its not realy about the money though isit theyre over bearing in your own home

shes guilt tripping you into having them stay because shes so lonely-well im sorry thats life not everyone lives near their parents

It's not unreasonable for your DH to see his parents and given they live far away, a long visit isn't necessarily unreasonable either.

What is unreasonable is all the other shit that seems to come with it - the fact you aren't cooking 2 extra portions of your normal meals but fancy cooking, you don't see your DH in the run up or aftermath due to the overtime, the comments about cooking/housekeeping, the going on expensive days out without you.

Rather than saying they can't come, which is likely to make your DH so defensive it all collapses in an argument, is there scope to move some of the boundaries around expectations on you (cooking, housekeeping) and budget (so many days out). Along the lines of 'we love to see you but we are on an incredibly tight budget this year, it will be our normal family meals only. Unless you want to buy yourselves things from M+S/berries', 'we love seeing you but altogether as a family - we can only do trips if everyone can go and we can only afford one a week'

And your MIL will survive if she doesn't Skype your DH every day - he is deep in FOG and cultural obligations and she knows it, she absolutely has the thumbscrews on him.

Smaller portions. Make something then freeze half of it. Put out less. If you put it out people will just eat it. Put one pitta bread out each rather than the whole packet. Warn your DH that the rest if earmarked for another meal.

Wow...they are determined huh? So much so they pretty much bought their accommodation with you.

All I know is that I couldn't have anyone to stay with me in my home for six weeks every summer, never mind demanding, overbaring, manipulative in-laws. I just couldn't. It would be the end of the arrangement or the end of the marriage.

I'm not even issuing an easy-for-me-to-say flippant LTB. I am genuinely stating that this would be impossible for me to uphold.

ilikelegos Highly unlikely that you will compromise your identity but you need specific advice for your culture. A lot of the advice here won't be appropriate for you

But this advice does apply: you have a DH problem not an in law problem

I'd suggest splitting the visit ....for the benefit of their dear GC of course so they can understand their roots and culture insist they come to you first and have something planned for as soon as you get back (like decorators in so MIL can't come back as you wouldn't be able to host her properly)...

With a bit of luck it'll go well and the shorter visit will become custom.

I'd also suggest to your DH that he spreads the OT out over the year and saves it in a specific account rather than squeeze it all into one third of the year.

If i were you i wouldn't be so 'accomodating' i would be cooking my usual fayre and if they dont like it the kitchen is there , my usual level of cleaning and if they dont like it the dusters and vacuum are stored here and as for expecting a banquet of fruit from m&s they would be getting aldi super six and if they dont like it guess what they can hop on a bus and buy their posh fruits themselves , your home is not a hotel and you are not their private chef/chauffeur/chambermaid

Wow, you sound as though you work incredibly hard to please all of these people. Who's working hard to please you? No judgement intended, it just seems that everyone's dancing to their tune and nobody's really thinking of your needs.

I know cultures differ in their expectations but I also know that younger generations can change and challenge established routines. And that it's not selfish to insist on pleasing yourself sometimes. Their visits should be lovely for you all, not just for them.

Headofthehives, I appreciate how hard it is for grandparents. My parents don't live near either and they are so chilled out about it . They don't even ask me to Skype with their grandkids every week , they feel nothing should be forced on to kids. My FIL asks on every Skype call that why are my kids not being taught manners , how to sit and talk with grandparents on every phone call. Why do they keep running away? They are 7 and 5 , they simply get bored after 5-10 mins sometimes even 1 min.
We lived with them and they controlled our entire months schedule. They had all these friends and relatives that I Had to meet otherwise they would get all emotional plus there was this weekly criticism on my parenting .
I feel I need to stand up to this emotional guilt tripping but I have been silent for so many years , I don't know how to start ?? Should I on this trip cook what I normally do and just let it be ? If they say something parenting , say that's how I do things ?

It sounds to me as though your in laws provided money to help you buy a big house so they could have the use of it. My mother tried this with me - lent me a couple of thousand and as soon as I'd banked the cheque told me she hoped I'd have room for her. I paid every penny straight back, first opportunity. Can you save up and do that?

I married an Indian immigrant (so had grown up in India) and I struggled with the family closeness too. Neither of you are being unreasonable but your needs don't mesh, so there needs to be compromise. Every other year sounds best? That way neither of you is getting ALL you want and neither of you is giving up ALL you want.

"If I bring it up my husband he feels his parents are not welcome."

Oh FFS!

You don't want them for 6 wks =therefore you don't want them at all

What does he do to help with the cooking/work that they create?

Do you ever go out with them for the day

Staying out until 11pm is taking the piss imo.

Sabineundine , we can do that if we limit their yearly trip and my husbands trip which he takes twice a year. I won't go to see my parents as well for two years if I know we are doing it for this cause . I can go down on everything else and we will be able to pay them back in two years . But the whole issue is that won't happen and it will be hard with all these visits . And they emotionally blackmail us after 3 months , how can we stretch to two years

Diddl , he helps . We can't all go out together most of the time which I prefer too as we have one car and it is 5 seater . Also I utilise that time to study , clean and prepare for other day. They love shopping a lot so they mostly he takes them to malls . Also they schedule all their yearly checkups ( which they pay for themselves here) . Then they have relatives living 2 hours away which they need to go to . Also if they are home , they stay up till 12- 1 , they expect us to do the same

"Elaborate dishes , means they want three food items( 1-2 meat dish , one vegetable dish , one lentil / bean dish plus rice / pita bread ) at one time."

So why doesn't she do her own shopping & cooking?

We used to have my dad to stay.

He ate what was put in front of him & was grateful!

It was easier that he came to us & I was grateful for that but even so I didn't feel the need to change the food that we all ate or make a special effort with days out.

He was happy watching the kids play in the garden, colouring in with them, building lego...

I have a lot in common with you. PILs come twice a year (in Easter and half term in October). We then have to visit them in the summer. I have had a few quarrels with dh about this and am slowly winning. We are going on a separate family holiday this summer but we are lucky to be able to afford this. I understand that is difficult for you.

However you can make small changes regarding arrangements about cooking and shopping. My ILs are similarly demanding about what they eat but over the years I have simplified what I make. I basically now just make what the kids like but do serve meat and chicken each day. I do a lot of one pot dishes as it also saves on the washing up. Just serve it without any apologies. I used to stock up on lots of things but now I just bring the same range in slightly bigger quantities. Do not take them shopping with you. They will fill up your trolley. Get it online and you can always say what they wanted eg berries wasn't available. My fil loves posh cheeses and smoked salmon. I stopped buying them. He now goes to Waitrose and buys it but it's very his and I'm clearly not allowed to have some .
I have also made a point of planning days out with friends and their CDs to escape the ILs for a while. I also sometimes have kids over because it usually forces the ILs to go out on their own! Actually it's mainly because I think the kids have a right to do things with their friends in the holidays. Dh used to argue but has given in.

Lastly you and dh should go out at least twice for dinner on your own. That's non negotiable.

Just read that your ILs love shopping and they mainly go to malls. Are they related to my ILs? They're exactly the same

By 'fruit boxes' I assume you mean those little expensive plastic boxes or pots with chopped fruit? Definitely bulk buy fruit and chop up yourself!!! How would it go down if you said 'Gosh, those pre-chopped fruit boxes are just a get-rich scheme for the M&S bosses! So much better to chop our own. And we know it's freshly chopped then!'

By asking what would happen if you didn't cook eloboarte meals, I really meant what would happen if you just cooked something you would normally prepare? Certainly, by not cooking anything and ordering in food would be very expensive. Could you plan a timetable - perhaps one or two elaborate meals each week, and the rest more 'normal' fayre?

I would suggest that you just try to introduce a few changes at a time, lots of minor victories to gently shift the balance.

You have to develop a very thick skin to the comments about parenting. Are you happy with the way you parent? Good. Well, channel your inner calm and confidence. The key thing to remember if that you don't need their approval on the details of how you parent. I'm sure you bring up your children with love, and I'm sure you PIL notice this even if they never acknowledge it. So whether or not they approve of your way of doing things or not, so long as you are happy, all is well.

If DH made me do this every year I really would consider divorce.

And no harm with an occasional 'We're happy with the way we do things' every so often. Or just brush off their comments with a "I know you would do things differently, but that's not really our way". Or listen and ignore. You don't have to tackle their comments every time, but the main thing is don't let these comments get to you! Feel your inner strength!

pictish
Wow...they are determined huh? So much so they pretty much bought their accommodation with you.

All I know is that I couldn't have anyone to stay with me in my home for six weeks every summer, never mind demanding, overbaring, manipulative in-laws. I just couldn't It would be the end of the arrangement or the end of the marriage.

I'm not even issuing an easy-for-me-to-say flippant LTB. I am genuinely stating that this would be impossible for me to uphold.

I totally agree with you! The OP is an absolute SAINT to have put up with this! Its HELL.

They sound really horrible - just landing like a bomb in your family life with no consideration of you at all. One thing I would say is that you will never please them or live up to their ridiculous expectations so realising this can be quite liberating - say you are tired at your normal bedtime and go to bed, stand up for your parenting on Skype and point out you can't make a 5 yr old sit still for an hour.

These people sound like they have the hide of a rhino while you are very sensitive and thoughtful. If you have never ever said anything back and they are still vile, then you need to point out to DH he is married to you and not his mother, he also parents the way you do and the parenting jibes have to stop and could he have a word please.