Inlaws coming over every summer

[Ilikelegos]

Dear all , I need you advice . My inlaws live in another country and they come over every summer for 6 weeks . During this time they stay with us , I am responsible for the entire cooking which involves elaborate dishes , cleaning , dishwashing and helping them buy gifts and entertaining . My husband does groceries and takes them to places where they want to visit so I hardly see him before 11 every night. Plus he works 1-2 months overtime before they come and 1-2 months after they leave to finance the entire visit . He takes majority of his vacation time during the visit and we go on our big family vacation during this time with them . We are unable to afford any other major trips after that .
I am getting fed up with this . AIBU? If I bring it up my husband he feels his parents are not welcome . My point is they can come and stay as long but can't they do it in spring / Autumn . And I deserve my vacation without them ? What would you all do in my place ? How would you bring the subject to a husband who feels guilty that he is living far from his parents ?

it has been going on for 9 years

I don't know how you have put up with it for so long. I think that you have been pretty accommodating to your husband's family and you need to act now to ensure that this is the last year that you will be providing them with this luxury style of holiday at your own life's expense.

Why are you allowing this to happen? No way would even my own parents stay with us this length of time, even though they would be doing most of food shopping (and paying for it) cooking, cleaning & general helping in return for their stay. They only come (from another country to Uk) when invited for a period they are invited for. Because of this, I love having them as guests, and we enjoy staying at theirs being equally respectful.

Your house-your rules!

It is too much. They shouldn't impose on you in that way.

I was chatting to a lovely lady whose mil lived overseas. She would visit the UK and expect to be given spending money even though her son and the lady I spoke to had young dc and not much money. The mil was very wealthy in comparison.

If they visited her in Asia, they had to give mil board and take her out.

Just seems so wrong. My dps and pills help us out and we help our Dcs out.

Your PIL will never change.

Your approach to how to handle them can change.

But probably the most important thing of all would be if you can get your DH to really think about and question how your PIL act towards you, (not to mention the impact on your finanaces, holidays etc), so that you two can be more of a united front. This will be very difficult as he might get very defensive about any criticism of his parents, particularly as he views parents in such high esteem. However you and he need to be able to support each other and agree on where you draw the line.

Why on earth are you allowing this to happen? You don't have a PIL problem, you have a major DH problem. I would not put up with that shit. Tell him that these visits are stopping as you have had enough. It's time to go nuclear on these twats. When they criticise you, tell them to either shut up and stop criticising and act like civilised people or else they can fuck off back to their own home. You are a saint for putting up with this.

sorry like other said you jabe a dh ptoblem-he has never said no to them has he

he cant get himself ill working all day and then going out every night what would happen then

you seem to be avoiding the advice of actually sayng to him this isnt happening anymore

as for follwing you to your parents areu for real just say no!

where does your fil get all these sweets and drinks if u do all the shopping

Confirming he too definitely has a completely different cultural mindset: 'age before beauty'.
His duty comes before his love for you I fear, and I am not sure he is even capable of standing up to his Ps. Possibly the most you can hope for from him is a little modification of their behaviour such as splitting the holiday into two.

You must be a woman of enormous forbearance, especially as you actually tolerated living near these hellish people for several years. The FIL sound like a total egotistical control freak who feels the need to assert his authority and Head of Family role over all of you to a level which goes beyond just cultural differences. As one or two other posters have said, I just could not tolerate what you have! DH would have to choose me or them.

Like the idea that you should take DH for counselling though, at least, even if he cannot stand up to them, it might make him appreciate what an enormous sacrifice you are making for his sake! How old was DH when he left his former country? Does he hold to some of his parents cultural attitudes in other respects too, as in does he consider himself 'head of the family' expect you to do all the lowly tasks at home?

coconutpie
Why on earth are you allowing this to happen? You don't have a PIL problem, you have a major DH problem. I would not put up with that shit. Tell him that these visits are stopping as you have had enough. It's time to go nuclear on these twats. When they criticise you, tell them to either shut up and stop criticising and act like civilised people or else they can fuck off back to their own home. You are a saint for putting up with this.

Love it, but it probably would lead to the break up of the marriage if she saw it through.
PILS will demand that DH support them against his wife, and he , shocked and horrified that the 'worm has turned' and Lego has spoken up probably will. He will make her feel awful, ashamed and she could well end up apologising to them, saying she is tired, stressed, then ends up feeling even more downtrodden and guilty. They may even try to be nice then and 'help' more, taking them out for meals , wanting to take the DCs out more to 'give her a break'.

Unless Lego is prepared for a divorce this route is far too risky!

I couldn't be with a husband who came with overbearing, rude and demanding parents like that, I just couldn't. You are a saint for putting up with it for this long!

My inlaws are asian. They are exactly like this. They view our home as their home. I am there to serve them. They can tell me to jump and i say how high. They dont care that i utterly hate them. Its all about power. It is the custom for the family of the male to dominate.

We have resolved things because my husband has started counselling.

"It is the custom for the family of the male to dominate"

In traditionally patrilocal societies the wife goes to live with the husbands parents so both husband and wife are kept totally under the fathers thumb, but much worse for the wife because they are not her parents so there is no love to soften it.
Even when the younger generation are not under the same roof such old attitudes die hard.

Hope the counselling helps Wizzy! I find it hard to see how such differences can ever be fully resolved though.

Wizzywig , I am so happy that counselling has helped you two . I have already started looking into options for that and will start once they leave . fingers crossed

Aerfen , I think if I said his parents or me . He would choose me but will Be terribly sad. Plus I don't want that , I want my PIL to have a relationship with their son and GC . He is a very nice guy otherwise. He doesn't leave me to do lowly tasks .He shared household chores even while I was a stay at home mum very fairly and has zero expectations that I will cook . He works hard to provide for us, has all his accounts and savings joint with me , hardly spends a pound on himself , buys me and kids gifts . Doesn't expect me to contribute money towards household, I do that when I am earning and he's extremely grateful that I do.

I do realise he has a very big issue as he can't put his foot down when it comes to his parents . I don't want to fight as I hate confrontations and they leave me teary and I can't find the right words . I feel guilt after confrontation with anyone and haven't had one in ages . So I think counselling setting maybe helpful as I will be able to go through the process in a relatively composed manner and will have a mediator to diffuse unneeded stress.

Sounds hard!
You need to put some boundaries in place and do not chnage that much when they Visit. Maybe get your parents to visit at the same time!!

You have the power of the grandkids - I would look into summer camp axtivities for them (so day structured - and you leave and get used to studying / working at libraries, cafes etc)m- and tell the grandparents that they have to come 2-3 weeks over school time (easier for you) and 2-3 weeks over summer break. Just cook what you normally would Cook..
Let them mind kids, if they watch more TV etc it only with them.. So go out for date night with your hubbie.
It really sounds awful but try and make it work for you!

Your DH will never put his foot down to his parents because he was brought up culturally not to do that hence why he gets defensive. He is doing a lot for his parents and trying to be a good son. It's what his parents expect of him.

Not sure counselling will help when the culture and obligations are so entrenched in his thinking and upbringing.

has zero expectations that I will cook

I am responsible for the entire cooking

He clearly expects you to cook for his parents so these two statements of yours don't add up. Culturally it would be your job to cook for his parents.

OMG OP they sound absolutely suffocatingly overbearing and demanding!! HOW have you been DOING this?!

So I agree with others that this is primarily a husband problem, so couples therapy or something might help? Have you pointed out that your friends don't put up with this - what does he say to that?

Otherwise, you might have to learn some phrases like, "actually" and "that doesn't work for me". When they say things like "we're coming over on X dates is that ok?" thinking of a response like "actually, i'm busy then but we're available on Y dates". Does he know how serious this is for you? I think it can be easy for some men people to belittle your feelings until you really force the issue by really explicitly stating the potential consequences. Not like an ultimatum, but a "If you we don't fix this, this is what will happen"

Also, what if you didn't buy all the berries etc? Just your standard shop +2? If they complain, could you say "this is what we normally have", offer for your DH to take them to the supermarket if they want something extra?

I feel for you, you poor thing. You sound really down trodden by them.

Whiteplate1 , my husband doesn't expect me to cook but he doesn't cook himself . He orders takeaways , which he can eat on for the rest of his life without issues:)

I cook for inlaws because if they eat takeaway food everyday it will be much more expensive as we have to order more dishes ( like 3 ) and people increase . Also my inlaws will want homecooked food after 1-2 days and they expect me to do all household chores like cooking , cleaning and judge my skills.

Whiteplate1, you are right . He kind of changes in front of his parents as well . Like he feels he wants me to do more household work to show off I guess that how homely I am . Not sure if that sentence makes sense but I do sense a change in his behaviour around them

OP, I can understand your position as I have a kind of similar situation where my in-laws stay with us 3 months of summer which is quite typical in my culture. It drove me insane when I was on maternity leave but have been able to manage a balance since I returned to work. I'm not sure if there's a way you could maybe leave the house few hours a day to visit someone or faff about doing anything you fancy. I don't see why you should have to cook fancy meals for them, either have your mil help you or let them help you with other chores, that's how a family works. You can tell your DH you need them to help around and you're not under any obligation to them. I get the grocery bills going up, I tend to manage by buying cheap veggies online and generally preventing mil from getting away in shops. I would throw a hissy fit if my DH expected me to do anymore. They do complain to DH when I prefer to spend time alone but I don't give an arse. Also you need not buy their shopping, again MIL used to do the exact same thing inspite of being well of but I told DH I'm not having it. When its billing time I just let them pay for what they buy.

Dont do it just dont put up cleaning rotas including all adults and meal plans before they arrive and if they dont like it- hotel , i think its more than kind and acceptable to cook one meal only its exhausting just reading what you do , they may expect something but doesnt mean they get it also get them to put there hand in their purse to contribute to the extra food

Wow, you must be a very lovely person to have put up with this for so long! My PILs are nice , generous people,and when they come to stay they bring food and presents and are desperate to help, but NO WAY could I stand them in my house for 6 weeks! That's just madness. You need to tell them when they can come, not the other way around. 'Really looking forward to next summer, come from X to y dates' . It sounds like they bitch and moan whatever you do, so you have nothing to lose. Do what you want to do but make it seem that you are still doing it all for them! Cook what you want to cook but make a big thing about cooking a big multidish meal at the weekends, cooking their favourites etc and the rest of the week cook normal easy food. When they demand this and that say 'oo what a good idea we'll do that at the weekend'. Go out with just you and I the kids 'I thought I'd let you have some peace and quiet so we are going out for the day I insist, you need to rest' if they make a fuss you can agree to come back after lunch 'OK relax this morning, the children would love to play with you this afternoon , what a wonderful idea'. You designate areas for your FIL shaving stuff etc 'look dear FIL, I cleared this space, bought this basket etc just for you' and when you clean just shove all their stuff in their space.

They are coming to your home, they can live like you live or stay elsewhere. If they want to come to the supermarket let them have their own trolley that they pay for. Cook what you would normally cook. If there is any comment just remind them that they have employed a cook at home, you do not have a cook. So unless they want to pay for a chef throughout their visit they can be grateful that you are making an effort for them.
Tell them you need to go to bed early as you have work/kids to sort in the morning.
Your husband needs to learn to start putting small boundaries in place. Agree some before they come and insist he stick to it.

jellymum
OP, I can understand your position as I have a kind of similar situation where my in-laws stay with us 3 months of summer which is quite typical in my culture

You are another saint!!!
I really do not know how you and Lego can bear it!

You seem to be handling it very well but I wonder if its a little easier for you because you are from the same cultural background, thus you've been prepared for the problem from the start, while Lego I think was caught on the backfoot and has allowed them to dominate her for so long.

Why do you put up with them coming for so long though? Three months! Nightmare!

Your husband needs to learn to start putting small boundaries in place. Agree some before they come and insist he stick to it

You could go for that. I would start by saying the length of stay must be reduced, not split, because that means the horror comes round twice a year but maybe four weeks not six.
Tell him he can blame you and say that because you are working, and unlike them do not have servants, that you find it very hard work havign visitors for so long,.
Alternatively you could suggest he say that you want to be able to invite your own parents for two weeks, and consequently they can only come for four.

I think another thing to insist on is that he supports you when FIL tries to undermine, that he says 'No father, Lego is right, the children musn't have fizzy drinks they are bad for their teeth', but dont be surprised if FIL just overides him anyway. This is a man who expects to be In Charge. Eek!