Inlaws coming over every summer

[Ilikelegos]

Dear all , I need you advice . My inlaws live in another country and they come over every summer for 6 weeks . During this time they stay with us , I am responsible for the entire cooking which involves elaborate dishes , cleaning , dishwashing and helping them buy gifts and entertaining . My husband does groceries and takes them to places where they want to visit so I hardly see him before 11 every night. Plus he works 1-2 months overtime before they come and 1-2 months after they leave to finance the entire visit . He takes majority of his vacation time during the visit and we go on our big family vacation during this time with them . We are unable to afford any other major trips after that .
I am getting fed up with this . AIBU? If I bring it up my husband he feels his parents are not welcome . My point is they can come and stay as long but can't they do it in spring / Autumn . And I deserve my vacation without them ? What would you all do in my place ? How would you bring the subject to a husband who feels guilty that he is living far from his parents ?

Ilikelegos

You dont say what background you or your PILS are from? I suspect its not the same.

In this case different expectations of marriage and relationships are a real issue and not easily resolved. Basically so far you have totally caved to theirs, not realising how bad it can be. Your DH simply accepts their demands because he too shares their culture which is essentially that the extended family retain an enormous role in your family. This is goign to be a continual potential flashpoint in your marriage and a big factor in the higher divorce rate of cross cultural marriages.

The question is does he also share enough of your culture to be able to stand back and balance your needs with those of his parents, rather than seeing you as unreasonable? And there is also the question of does he love you enough to be determined to overcome what is for him an extremely difficult task, confronting his parents. He is caught between two worlds, and up to now you have made it easy for him by bowing to his parents wishes but at a terrible cost to yourself in terms of misery and resentment which has grown with time.

I do not think minor changes such as making cooking easier for yourself will resolve this. Its just kicking the can down the road. There will be more conflict zones later, to do with the childrens education, weddings, and ultimately potentially caring for the PILS in old age.

I think you need to ask yourself if your DH is stubborn and willing only to consider his parents needs, do you want to remain in this marriage. Hopefully he will prove 'reasonable' however, but I think you need to have a Big Conversation with him about balancing your differing needs, and how its his difficult task to be the facilitator of this. Bear in mind that its not jsut about love and duty either. You have said his family are well off, so money is a factor too. If they come from an Asian or similar culture they will certainly be capable of punishing him for any perceived lack of filial duty. IN their eyes his first duty is to them not you - Age before Beauty as it were!

Wolpertinger
They sound really horrible

I dont think they are being 'horrible' its purely about totally different cultural expectations. They just assume a very high level of involvement. In their eyes the FIL is 'Head of the family'.

YADNBU, Sorry - I don't have any practical advice but I absolutely could not live your life.

My MIL has panic attacks because she feels lonely and keeps on constantly reminding us that .

I'm very sorry she's having panic attacks because she's lonely - but why is she seeing this as yours and dh's problem to solve? If she's lonely then it's up to her to do something about her situation and change it herself, it's not the job of other people to make her ok. It says a lot that she doesn't take responsibility and is using 'I have panic attacks' to try and manipulate others into giving her what she wants.

The emotional attitudes, behaviours and messages going on under this seem to be forming a big part of it and making what might otherwise be tolerable into a really tough situation for you OP. I'd start here.

The whole thing is I need time to study as well in midst of all drama . I had an exam to take last year which I had to postpone because of them . This year I had to start a job in August which I asked to start in September as managing a job and their needs becomes so tiring that I used to be exhausted even while working part time . So I need to utilise this summer to revise A lot of previous knowledge which means 4-5 hrs of undisturbed studies . Can't go to library as I study out loud😊
I have realised I can never please them . In their previous visits , I gave up my room to Accomdate them always and never made a big deal as I don't mind sleeping on mattress . I always empty half my closet and give it to them . They never acknowledge .
What hurts me the most is they never say , " we are coming for these dates, is that okay with you ? "
Also my partner and I have explained our parenting techniques many a times , nicely. I have printed out researches supporting what we do but no avail . They will say we understand that day and next day the same thing .

Thankyou all for ideas . I will go for much cheaper options this time and not go way out of my way to make them comfortable . Also discuss with my husband that next year they are not coming in summer ( as its our 10th anniversary next August and I deserve a nice summer ) . They can come in any other season

I can't comment on the cultural differences but it does seem as if this is an expectation of your PIL and your DH and may be very difficult to get out of. You can make it easier for you as a family unit though, at least logistically, by planning your food and budget ahead of time.
Batch cooking is your friend. Do you have a big freezer? I'd suggest making up batches of slow cooked meat, lentil and veggie dishes and freezing them in meal sized portions so each morning for the first couple of weeks at least is a matter of selecting and defrosting for the day. On the days they are out and about do another batch and portion and freeze. This will allow you to spread the spend a little as well as the time. Do you have a rice cooker?
Make some plans for you and the children too: you shouldn't have to spend all day at home prepping while they are out and about in the car.
Will your MIL pitch in?

You are definitely not being unreasonable however I haven't yet worked out just how unreasonable they are being.

How many years has this been going on for?

This would actually make me want a divorce!

It's not so much about them wanting to visit and for so long, but the expectations they have at your expense.

Can you start to cut back on all that nonsense and take yourself off a bit as well to stay sane?
You certainly shouldn't end up spending a small fortune.

It's fine to respect other cultures but they also need to show respect for your wishes and happiness.

What Aerfen said, 1000x.

I have a few friends where this behaviour wouldn't be at all unusual. It is very unlikely they will be persuaded that it is. But to move forward your DH needs to accept that he ALSO (from what I can tell) married someone from another culture and he has to accommodate that.

I am wondering if you can identify a counselling service that can help? Ideally couples therapy but if he won't go then something for you to figure out how you can deal with it.

Plan your study hours and stick rigidly to them; don't cave to pressure from them.

You have already found that trying to explain your parenting style to them doesn't work. Just accept that criticising is one of their hobbies, and take no notice whatsoever. Smile and nod, and carry on as you were.

I think you need to talk to your DH and come up with a united plan.

However, if I was in another country I would actively want my parents to visit for several weeks each summer. That would be my deal otherwise I wouldn't live abroad!

couples therapy sounds like a good idea. Will bring that up after they leave .

Do you think I should suggest something to them ? Like how about you come next year in spring / Autumn as we have a lot of plans for next summer ?

Headofthehive, I am in no way against his parents coming and living with us / or us going visit them . But all I am tired of is this repeating every summer . There are three other seasons that I really don't mind

Would it be possible to cut the holiday down to say 4 weeks, because say your DH can't get the time off work to go around with them/ his holiday entitlement has changed/ has changed departments and can't have the holidays he previously had.
Could the dc's when they are a little older go on some prearranged holiday/trip /educational course for a couple of weeks so there would be no point in them coming while the GC's were away.
Cut down on the catering! and only put out a full banquet no more than twice a week.
Develop a bad back so you can't give up your bed.

Just subtley and gradually start changing the status quo and start putting your convenience and comfort first.
I think this is a change you are going to have to bring about gradually.

Your agreement or disagreement is with your DH. Not your in laws!

Bombayflmbe, I will try freezing foods . They weren't open to the idea . Once they found out it was frozen because the saw it defrosting , they were like " oh , the frozen food always has a slightly different taste ! No one can eat it the second time like in evening "
But I will try this year !!

I'm from a Middle Eastern background and no way would my family do this (well apart from one family member who cares more about how they're perceived than anything else!!!)!!!! I wouldn't stand for my DH or ILs pulling this crap either. (Mind you, I married an English guy).

I would stand your ground about the elaborate meals etc. I tend to eat veggie meals. I would adhere to any religious or dietary needs but I wouldn't be spending a fortune in time and money pandering to others. I can't. Batch cool stuff, cook veggie etc. If it's good enough for you/your kids, then it's good enough for your inlaws. Don't let them disrupt your career or studies either! Xx

Hazelbite , one of the other issues is I don't trust my FIL around my kids . It's not because of creepy reasons . But it's because how he continuously belittles me I front of my children . If I say no tv , he will put on tv . If I say no drinks , he will introduce coke/ Sprite to them . If I leave the kids with them , he will say to my kids that see your mum doesn't care about you and she left you with us to party .

Ilikelegos If that's their response (on the frozen food), what would happen if you said "Oh dear, it's a shame you feel that way, because that's what we're having" and just carried right on?

Would they refuse to eat? What about every night for 6 weeks? What how do you think they would react if you served your ordinary food? Would they get angry? I'm partly genuinely asking to understand the situation and partly to prompt you to imagine how you could act differently.
Remember, you can't change other people's behaviour, but you can change your reaction to it - it is not an automatic certainty that because your in-laws are under your roof you have to provide an elaborate, expensive feast every night.

Headofthehive , you are right my husband needs to stand up. He does when they make crazy demands / humour but unfortunately it still doesn't affect them
. But he can't stop them from visiting which I don't want him to either . But PILs really need to be more sensitive , don't you think ? Or you think there's is reasonable behaviour for ILs in regards to demands / belittling and criticising DIL ?
I don't know, Are PIL generally critical with everyone ?

Perpetual student , they won't show their anger to me . Maybe sarcasm or calling family members about my giving kids frozen food but not anger .
I like your idea , I can just say it's a shame but we are eating this for tonight . Start fro
1-2 times a week till they get a bit used to it

Costco is fab for fruit and veg if you have one near you.
My mil is similar, comes from the other end of the country and expects all sorts of stuff, we get a shopping list from her prior to her arrival and if we don't get everything she sends fil out to buy it then usually our stuff is removed from the fridge to make way for it. It's rarely all eaten either which really annoys me.
She once send Dh out to get her more wine - he had been out at work from 6am and got home at 8pm and had only just sat down!

Sorry I don't have any helpful suggestions but I've just let standards slip with each visit and also bought a slow cooker.

Perhaps leave the elaborate meals for one or two evenings a week - unless they want to prepare them for you all :)

Are you me OP? or mySIL I have very similar issues even down to lots of mall shopping for specific foodstuffs, parenting criticism and no frozen food ( and apparently microwaving food is out too). Not a lot of advice really, but DH has really stepped up recently. He now either explains to them why certain things aren't possible, or does it himself if he thinks it's putting me out too much. I've also started to make sure I get out by myself for some alone time whenever they're here.