AIBU to not let DP live in filth?

[PoisonWitch]

So DP has lived with me for two years now. Been together for six. He is a loving, kind man who I would like to be with forever but his office drives me mad.

It's my house. I bought it and pay all bills as he can't afford to atm. Business not making enough and he is looking hard for a job. He works from home mostly and is quite busy.

His office is a fucking state. I paid a fair but of money to have the garage converted to a useable room with a window for him. Not just for him as dads value to the house as well.

I don't go in there very often but it's disgusting. He hasn't finished painting it in a year so there are still bits of bare plaster. There is crap everywhere. Every time I go in I ask him to clean it and he says he will but doesn't. He is on a conference today so I blitzed it. I found 9 bowls full of manky old food, over half our teatowels and oven glove (he carried hot plates with them), about a million empty drinks cans and good wrappers on his desk and all over the floor. Socks and some t shirts. Other random shit just lying around.

I think the job for too big for him but he was the same when he was in the spare room. I saw a pizza crust in the floor and told him to pick it up. I told him everytime I went up and it was there over six months.

I now plan to tell him since I have been forced to do it he had no excuse for keeping it horrible. I will throw a tantrum. The mean side of me thinks I'm letting him live here for free so how dare he let my house get in such a state. This will wound him deeply if I say it as he hates not being able to pay his share. He is very proud.

What would you suggest going forwards wise ones?

I kind of think you could do better, I went out with a grown up teenager for a while - (he was 24 and not housetrained). Going out with a proper grown up next was a revelation.

The thing is OP you're making excuses not to have to face the fact that he is not good for you - because you love him and you've been together 6 years and he's lovely etc.

That's understandable. A PP mentioned it took her until over 40 to face the facts - me too. It was a long, slow process for me to really think the unthinkable, that we could actually break up, because I actually wasn't happy with his crappy behaviour. It was so ingrained in me that I had to help him and I couldn't hurt his feelings and there must be some explanation, so if I just tried hard enough and gave him enough chances... blah blah blah and on and on it went.

I would say hang onto the realisations you have had. Look at Baggage Reclaim, and read up on assertiveness and self-esteem. And just keep thinking about how it might feel to have your own house back, and possibly also to be single. No one knows what that future may hold for you - but listen to us when we say we DO know what the future holds if you carry on as you are. It's a future where you will always be drained, frustrated, angry, feel like what you want doesn't matter, and spend half your life clearing up after a slob - even when you KNOW you shouldn't but you do it because it matters to you to live in nice surroundings.

I relate to that, I know exactly why you cleaned up. Because you wanted to - and ultimately that mattered more to you than the unfairness of it all. But then you reinforce to him that you'll always pick up the slack. You can't win with this.

I'm finally, in my mid 40s, single and about to get my own place (fingers crossed - when house sells) and I can tell you now it's a lot harder when you have kids and a shared mortgage and nearly 20 years on the clock instead of 6 and you are middle-aged. And even so, I can't wait.

I think you are right to give him that one chance, not least because you would regret it if you didn't and would spend ages wanderig "What if ..." I have no idea why people are so invested in the idea that you have to chuck him out immediately. You know better than people who are working solely on the basis of a few short posts on a discussion thread.

Of course his business is failing if he is trying to run it from a rubbish dump.

I imagine that my daughter in the OP's shoes and think, would I insist she gave him another chance? And I think: bollocks to that.

You're pinning whether or not you stay with him on whether he did well in an interview? You're grasping really OP, and I'm sure you realise. If he's that disgusting when he's not in employment, he'll get no better once he's working. All that'll happen is the excuse will change.

You clearly don't want him to leave, and that's OK. It takes time to get to that stage mentally even after you think you've made a decision. But do be honest with yourself. He's going to continue to live with you because of your feelings and good graces, not because he managed to get a job, or anything else you cling on to.

I think he has had a chance though - many chances in that OP has cried, nagged, shouted for him to do stuff. He couldn't possibly claim he didn't know it mattered to her. He's made an effort on a couple of things for a while, then stopped.

It's up to OP how many more chances he gets, but I'm not clamouring for her to LTB out of the blue.

Do you really want a partner who acts like a child?

A relationship should not be THIS MUCH effort at this stage OP.

Kick him out because he will never change. He won't be homeless if he can live with his parents so he's hardly going to be destitute. You need to escape OP before you're tied to him for life with children. And I say this as a child who was messy and sloppy at home because my mum did all the cleaning whilst my dad watched TV and my mum raged and raved whist cleaning everything and sometimes crying.

I really cannot understand how someone can see a bin sitting on the floor beside them and yet actively decide to drop rubbish on the floor beside it inside of in it.

Him expecting you to clear up after you says what he thinks of your relationship. He is too important to put his crap in a bin. You are so unimportant that you can do it instead

OK. This is so upsetting to read. Having been in an abusive relationship at a young age, it is really easy to come out of this and then settle for someone who isn't actively abusive i.e 'but he doesn't hit me' and think they are a 'nice' guy.

OP. I have been in this same situation, and it is wrong. Just because someone is isn't physically abusing you, it doesn't mean that they are someone that you should stay in a relationship with. The paltry offerings that are out there have us settling for some sorry situations. At the moment your self esteem is at rock bottom but you deserve so much better. As young women we don't get told very often how great we are, and how much we deserve. But please, you deserve so much better.

This man is not currently a nice man. In your relationship at the moment you are doing ALL of the domestic and emotional labour for both parties. Your partner is treating your home like a rubbish bin. He leaves his rubbish everywhere and doesn't think about it because he knows that you will clean it up. This is exhausting for you. I presume you also have other commitments in your life to juggle.

It is also emotionally draining for you - do you ask, do you keep asking, do you hurt his 'pride'? Or do you just keep quiet and ignore it? When do you stop ignoring it? Look at all of these emotional tangles that you will get yourself into because of his lack of care. I doubt he is doing the same. In fact I know he isn't - because if he was we wouldn't be here. This demonstrates a sheer lack of consideration for your feelings and wellbeing and a complete lack of respect for you as a person. A relationship should be a partnership. Where do your feelings factor into this?

At the moment your partner isn't thinking about your needs or feelings at all. You've expressed your dissatisfaction, but he continues to ignore you. This is harmful, this is a lack of care. He might not be explicitly calling you names and doing those things that we think of as 'abusive' but let me be clear: this is your partner devaluing you and telling you that your needs are unimportant and don't really matter to him. When the person closest to you is doing this to you, you will start to believe this as well, which I can see is already the case because in a lot of your posts you are second guessing yourself and do not seem very assertive "The mean side of me" - it's not your mean side: it's your, strong, normal side. The longer you stay in relationships like this, the more and more you will be worn down by this person.

In agreement to what everyone else has said, it's just totally unacceptable for him to live like this in your house, all expenses paid. Domestic labour is real labour and if he wants to contribute maybe he could do the cooking and cleaning? It's so disrespectful of him to allow you to do this.

I am a similar age to you and recently out of a similar relationship. I know how insidious having low self esteem is, but it only gets worse in situations like this where your needs don't even feature on the agenda. If you decide to end it, coming out of any relationship is tough, but heartbreak is heartbreak. You sound strong, and you WILL get through it. Take some time to get to know yourself, what you needs are. Being 'sort-of-basically-ok' is not enough for boyfriend material - that's the baseline - we need to demand better and actually find people who fulfill us on every level.

If he gets a job he will use it as an excuse to continue being disgusting in the house

That was my first thought. For some reason the OP just can't let this guy go and if he gets this job he will say something like "I have got a job now, you don't expect me to be clean and respectful at home too do you?"

Thanks everyone. Spot on when someone said I'm giving him a chance so I don't wonder 'what if' which I would if I just chucked him. It would make an emotional break much harder.

Just reminding myself I am worth it. Today I passed an exam and got an interview for a promotion. Even if I don't get promoted I don't care as I like my current job.

He is treating you like a teenager treats their mum. And that's annoying but a) it's not forever and b) unconditional love.

You shouldn't have unconditional love for a partner. It's a very dangerous position to put yourself in. If you do that, you end up being a total doormat. And look what's happened :(

Let us know how it goes but be strong.

Congratulations on your exam and promotion opportunity go you!

Well done OP!

Well we had the chat. He apologised and agreed that it was unacceptable. He got a little upset when I pointed out the my house bit but agreed that it was relevant. He has promised to sort his side of the bed and keep his office clean. The washing up has been improving and will continue to do so. I explained how he needs to take responsibility and not wait for me to tell him. He said he understood how it makes me feel disrespected and apologised. He agreed there was no excuse for the state of the office.

I will watch and say nothing over the next few weeks and see how it develops. He is cleaning the kitchen today.

A positive start and we'll see how it goes. Still waiting to hear back about his job.

You're a kind person. I hope it goes well for you; you deserve better than what you've been putting up with.

Sometimes leopards do change their spots, but time will tell.

That is positive, and I hope it works out.

Setting up your own business at 26, as an inexperienced grad, is very hard (and unlikely to succeed, sorry), much better to get into the industry of his choice first, and once he has sxperience and contacts, setting up for yourself is more viable!

Fwiw, at that age I lived apart from DP for a year to get career started, then moved to London as that was where jobs were in my field.

I don't understand why a graduate would limit himself to an area with no jobs other than supermarket jobs , at that age you just move to the job, rather than try and find a job that fits in with your life.

He has no incentive to make the job a success or earn a living as he has it sorted.

He could continue as he dies indefinitely, watching movies in the garage whilst you earn the money and cook/clean.

Why would he change anything?

.....so he won't....

well done for laying it on the line. Don't let him fob you off with a half-arsed attempt to improve followed by a slide back into being a slovenly bastard. Did you impose the "no eating anywhere except the lounge or kitchen" rule as well? I think I might also have gone for a "absolutely no litter any were in the house, ever" - it's pretty disgusting to drop sweet wrappers on your own floor, never mind pizza crust. Would he just drop one in the street too?

Putting the domestic situation to one side, do you actually have a nice time being with each other? Do you go out for meals, days out, holidays, events etc? While there is no doubt whatsoever that the domestic arrangements are unacceptable, if you at least enjoy one another's company away from the home then you have some basis for a relationship that might work, but you haven't mentioned that at all. Good luck.

Continue as he DOES, not dies, that's a bit harsh ,

Yes we have a lovely time and get on very well. We share lots of interests and like doing the same things. We get out and about. He does nice things for me and we enjoy each other's company. I am glad when he comes back from being away. His family love me. There is a lot to fight for. I think you're right about it being hard for a grad in business. He came here after being made redundant as that is where I am.

If he has finally realised that this behaviour is showing a lack of respect for you, this is a good thing.

See of he's still acting like grown up in a month or two.