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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not let DP live in filth?

201 replies

PoisonWitch · 14/07/2016 13:37

So DP has lived with me for two years now. Been together for six. He is a loving, kind man who I would like to be with forever but his office drives me mad.

It's my house. I bought it and pay all bills as he can't afford to atm. Business not making enough and he is looking hard for a job. He works from home mostly and is quite busy.

His office is a fucking state. I paid a fair but of money to have the garage converted to a useable room with a window for him. Not just for him as dads value to the house as well.

I don't go in there very often but it's disgusting. He hasn't finished painting it in a year so there are still bits of bare plaster. There is crap everywhere. Every time I go in I ask him to clean it and he says he will but doesn't. He is on a conference today so I blitzed it. I found 9 bowls full of manky old food, over half our teatowels and oven glove (he carried hot plates with them), about a million empty drinks cans and good wrappers on his desk and all over the floor. Socks and some t shirts. Other random shit just lying around.

I think the job for too big for him but he was the same when he was in the spare room. I saw a pizza crust in the floor and told him to pick it up. I told him everytime I went up and it was there over six months.

I now plan to tell him since I have been forced to do it he had no excuse for keeping it horrible. I will throw a tantrum. The mean side of me thinks I'm letting him live here for free so how dare he let my house get in such a state. This will wound him deeply if I say it as he hates not being able to pay his share. He is very proud.

What would you suggest going forwards wise ones?

OP posts:
SabineUndine · 14/07/2016 19:34

He's not proud he's a passive-aggressive cocklodger. By being'proud' he controls you and prevents you from calling him out. Either he shapes up or leaves.

Janecc · 14/07/2016 20:08

You are wasting your youth. You won't have the amount of energy and spark as you have right now forever. You should be building and celebrating your life. You have set yourself up to be self sufficient and this time should be free and fun with no financial worries. You can never get these years back.

I honestly dont think you are doing him any favours propping him up. I think he needs to fall and fall badly. Let him go home to his parents. Maybe he will sort himself out and maybe you will get back together or maybe not. If he really wants to work using his graduate skills, it sounds likely this would involve relocating and if he is living with you, you actually could be holding him back.

Right now you should be discovering who the 26 yr old you is and what you want out of life. Being single could be the start of a whole new and exciting chapter in your life.

whois · 14/07/2016 20:11

He is a massive cock lodger.

I also haven't been single for more than a few months since I was 14

This says huge things to me.

Be single. Have fun. Discover who you really are and how much fun you can have with friends, do things you want to do.

Please don't chuck this looser and just jump straight into bed with another twonk.

specialsubject · 14/07/2016 20:15

Is this the best you can do? I doubt it! So bone lazy that he drops litter. What a revolting skank.

Issue a simple 'shape up or ship out'.

TheNaze73 · 14/07/2016 20:19

YANBU at all, he sounds awful

Original poster
PoisonWitch · 14/07/2016 20:26

Looked into insurance etc and it's fine due to his type of work.

Shape up or shop out will indeed be the message. I'll talk to him in Saturday when he gets back.

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kittybiscuits · 14/07/2016 20:34

The only talking needed really is 'I'm done talking to you and trying to get you to behave like an adult. You are moving out in 7 days you massive lazy cocklodging fuckwit'.

kittybiscuits · 14/07/2016 20:36

Have you been talking about this to anyone else who has encouraged you to minimise his appalling behaviour? Because anyone who cared about you would tell you to get rid of him. You sound so accommodating of his awful behaviour.

Original poster
PoisonWitch · 14/07/2016 20:44

Hmm I talk to my best mate and she says to tell him straight like I will. No one has ever told me to leave as he is genuinely such a good person other than the mess. We've been the 'stable successful couple' but I'm getting fed up.

Parents like him but I think they're getting tired of him relying on me to live. They like him because he is so nice and our interests are so similar. He can navigate my dad which is a significant skill Grin

I will be having THE CHAT.

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kittybiscuits · 14/07/2016 20:45

Good for you. Nice will be no help to you at all if you ever have children with that manchild.

PersianCatLady · 14/07/2016 20:56

I am not sure if someone else already mentioned this but if he is running a business from home strictly speaking you should have informed the council and you may be liable for business rates.

Also how long has he been "running this business"? I mean is he actually honestly trying to make money or is it just a pipe dream? I mean I doubt I would be very inspired to work hard if I could live for free in someone else's home, treat them like crap, get a better laundry service than I could give myself and get sex thrown in too.

MaudlinNamechange · 14/07/2016 20:58

You are doing so well - you have arrived at a point that took me till I was over 40 to get to. You have your whole life ahead of you. Be free! Run like the wind!

Original poster
PoisonWitch · 14/07/2016 21:11

It's similar to consultancy, mostly online with some travel. We don't need rates. It is honestly trying to make money but some months it can make a reasonable amount but other months very little. It works out overall as not enough as he still has a while left on his loan repayment. He honestly is trying for a job. I've been proof reading his applications.

It is hard. I keep thinking about how I love him and start to minimise. I did that with ex and his behaviour was far more unreasonable. I must stay strong this time and remember how demeaned I felt picking up his shit. He does the classic lazy arse thing of dropping his pants next to the washing basket so I have to pick them up. I have a go and he does for a bit then stops.

OP posts:
CharlotteCollins · 14/07/2016 21:23

Sadly, you already have your answer, don't you? About whether he can change if he knows how important it is to you. You "have a go", he keeps you sweet for a bit then drops the act.

Be honest now, if he did change: would you want to be with someone who only takes you seriously when you threaten to end the relationship?

TheUnsullied · 14/07/2016 21:32

I've read your posts but not everyone else's so apologies if I'm repeating everything everyone else has said.

It doesn't take months to clean a room so his chance shouldn't be that long. Here's how I'd deal with him...

  • give yourself a pep talk and pull up your big girl knickers. You have to be a hard arse with a bottom line.
  • go into the room while he's in it. Point out some of the more disgusting aspects. Tell him how long bits of food have been lying there, how many dishes are in the room, etc.
  • tell him you won't live like that. Especially not in circumstances where you're paying all the bills.
  • tell him you expect that room to be clean within the next week. No excuses. If he knuckles down it'll only take a day to clean it and finish painting it.
  • tell him after that's done, the two of you need to sit down and sort out a more fair division of labour around the house.
  • tell him if he doesn't get that room sorted, he's moving out and make it clear that you don't think your relationship would survive that, however much you love him and want to be together.

He doesn't look around himself and think the room is clean. He simply doesn't care that it's disgusting. Nor does he care that you find it disgusting. After doing the above, the ball is in his court. He needs to really stop and think whether he cares that it's gotten to the point where he could lose both you and his home.

StarryIllusion · 14/07/2016 21:41

My room is basically a massive floordrobe/leaning tower of literature. Stacks of books, piles of clothes, wastebin full of misc toiletries that I like to hoard. I blitz it probably once a year and only really hoover and dust occasionally. I'm a slob. But I couldn't live like that. There is mess and then there's filth. Worst thing I have is dust bunnies. Manky food is a step too far. He needs to shape up or ship out.

Original poster
PoisonWitch · 14/07/2016 21:42

The room is sparkling at the moment. It took me all morning and was what made me so the thread. I had been thinking about posting for a while but I think I knew what the answers would be. Sad

It still needs painting though and I will expect that done this weekend.

OP posts:
Original poster
PoisonWitch · 14/07/2016 21:45

It basically took me the same time to do his room than it takes me to do a reasonable job of the rest of the house.

OP posts:
PersianCatLady · 14/07/2016 21:51

I get the impression that we are wasting our time here.

You know what you need to do but for some reason you don't want to be without him, he isn't going to change, why would he?

Please sweetie have some self-respect because I can imagine you turning around in ten years time and saying I wish I had got out when I had the chance.

KatieKaboom · 14/07/2016 21:56

Just get rid.

You'll feel sad for six weeks max.

Max.

Original poster
PoisonWitch · 14/07/2016 21:59

I am going to tackle it. Can't do anything until Saturday when we will have the talk. I have decided to give him a chance as I think it's unfair to boot him out without clear warning. If that makes me a walkover then I can accept that one last time. But no more.

OP posts:
OopsThereGoMyTrousers · 14/07/2016 22:00

Hang on....
Why were YOU cleaning his room?

Original poster
PoisonWitch · 14/07/2016 22:03

I did it because I was so fucking sick of it being vile. Then I thought about how shit it was for me to clear up after him and posted this thread.

OP posts:
TheUnsullied · 14/07/2016 22:05

You cleaned it? I feel like banging my head off a table for you. You're going to have 'the talk' on the back of reinforcing that he doesn't have to lift a finger. If you're serious about putting your foot down then all you've done is prolong the inevitable.

How long did it take to get into a proper state?

Original poster
PoisonWitch · 14/07/2016 22:11

It took a few weeks to get really bad then stayed like that. I thought it would be easier for him to start from fresh but I do regret that decision. He should have dealt with it. Especially since the washing up is his fucking job anyway.

I guess I'll look at him doing the washing up properly, not dropping clothes and litter on the floor on his side of the bed and cleaning the sink to start with. After a couple of weeks I should be able to gauge the office situation.

I think the best way is to give him the talk, lay expectations out clearly and then leave him to it. I won't get an accurate picture of I keep reminding him and I shouldn't have to anyway.

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