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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not let DP live in filth?

201 replies

PoisonWitch · 14/07/2016 13:37

So DP has lived with me for two years now. Been together for six. He is a loving, kind man who I would like to be with forever but his office drives me mad.

It's my house. I bought it and pay all bills as he can't afford to atm. Business not making enough and he is looking hard for a job. He works from home mostly and is quite busy.

His office is a fucking state. I paid a fair but of money to have the garage converted to a useable room with a window for him. Not just for him as dads value to the house as well.

I don't go in there very often but it's disgusting. He hasn't finished painting it in a year so there are still bits of bare plaster. There is crap everywhere. Every time I go in I ask him to clean it and he says he will but doesn't. He is on a conference today so I blitzed it. I found 9 bowls full of manky old food, over half our teatowels and oven glove (he carried hot plates with them), about a million empty drinks cans and good wrappers on his desk and all over the floor. Socks and some t shirts. Other random shit just lying around.

I think the job for too big for him but he was the same when he was in the spare room. I saw a pizza crust in the floor and told him to pick it up. I told him everytime I went up and it was there over six months.

I now plan to tell him since I have been forced to do it he had no excuse for keeping it horrible. I will throw a tantrum. The mean side of me thinks I'm letting him live here for free so how dare he let my house get in such a state. This will wound him deeply if I say it as he hates not being able to pay his share. He is very proud.

What would you suggest going forwards wise ones?

OP posts:
Original poster
PoisonWitch · 14/07/2016 14:35

Strop not strip Hmm

OP posts:
ZansForCans · 14/07/2016 14:38

Well we know he's lazy, dirty (even if not personally) and disrespectful. Could any of that be coming across when he goes for jobs?

This bloke has a cushty life going on. He gets to live rent-free and sit in hos own garage sized office eating snacks and not even clearing up after himself. All he has to do is be nice and charming and make excuses and give you the impression he's trying really hard to get a job.

I know that's cynical but I think you need to tread very carefully with this one OP. The more entrenched he gets, the more you let him get away with, the more he'll develop into a full-blown cocklodger.

Seriously just get rid of this problem by telling him you're tired of your house not being kept nice and you two need to live independently from each other. You can still have relationship if you want to.

If he can't handle that then you'll see where his motives really lie. If he wants to be with you, and he's so proud and wants to pay his own way, he can do all that without trashing your house while not paying towards it.

StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine · 14/07/2016 14:38

There's lower standards and there's really fucking disgusting. I'm surprised you don't have vermin around the place.

You need to be firm with him - if he's going to use your home, your electricity and your broadband for free to run his business, he invests a bit of time and energy into treating it with respect and not living in a way a pig would reject.

JapanNextYear · 14/07/2016 14:41

I'm a messy git. When I lived in my own house on my own, that was fine.

I moved in with my DH whose standards are far higher than mine. He's brought his ideas down a bit and I've upped my game because I want to be with him and me being as messy as I used to be was really unacceptable.

I have a shed that is my space and incredibly messy but that's it.

That's because I'm a grown up person who wants to be in a proper relationship. Your guy is taking the mick. I'd be tempted to leave his office to him but say that the food and dishes have to come back to the kitchen. Because that is scuzzy.

Original poster
PoisonWitch · 14/07/2016 14:43

LOVE that J. Lo video.

Cv looks nice but odd due to the different jobs he has had unconnected to degree then two years self employed in new non-traditional industry. Can't say what as outing. But apparently employers don't really know what to make of it. He writes a new skills cv for each job. I proof read them.

OP posts:
Original poster
PoisonWitch · 14/07/2016 14:46

He is getting interviews but it's cutthroat in our area. I know as I've had trouble and my cv looked great.

OP posts:
StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine · 14/07/2016 14:48

And he needs to look further afield for work if he's to stand any chance. He doesn't have kids - he can go anywhere in the world.

But it sounds like he doesn't want to make the effort.

Gottagetmoving · 14/07/2016 14:53

You say he is a loving kind man who you would like to be with forever. You have been together for 6 years
Then you say you have too much to lose if you marry him at the moment.

Don't get me wrong - I don't think there is any excuse for him to be that messy, especially if it is upsetting you but the mess is confined to 'his' spaces? ( unless I have misunderstood)
It also sounds like he has been struggling in some ways.
Surely if you love the man and would like to spend the rest of your life with him, you could sort this out?
Talk to him and get to the bottom of why he is that messy? Don't throw a tantrum as you suggested.

Original poster
PoisonWitch · 14/07/2016 15:00

I think he is messy because he CBA. It's a case of dropping his rubbish on the floor next to his chair instead of putting it in the bin. There is a bin by his chair but it's full and I don't know when he's ever emptied it.

I know it sounds callous not to marry him for financial reasons but I've read too many mumsnet threads about wonderful men screwing their wives and children to ever really fully trust my hard earned security in someone else. No matter how much I love them. It would be different if he was paying in it contributing e.g. being a sahp.

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ImperialBlether · 14/07/2016 15:16

Why would you want to live with this man? Is he even clean? I can't imagine him washing himself every day if he can't be arsed picking up a six month old pizza.

I would boot him out if I were you. Thank god you know you shouldn't marry him. You're 26 and you have your own house, a job and your wits about you. Why the hell are you with this man? Seriously, he's awful.

And why is it all these useless men always have their own businesses? No wonder he can't get a job - the way he is, he'd never stick at it.

He will drag you down, OP. Is that really how you want to live, supporting a filthy man?

Eminado · 14/07/2016 15:16

I found 9 bowls full of manky old food, over half our teatowels and oven glove (he carried hot plates with them), about a million empty drinks cans and good wrappers on his desk and all over the floor. Socks and some t shirts. Other random shit just lying around.

really sorry but I would find this so unattractive that our relationship would be stone cold dead.

stop making excuses. there is NO excuse for this - he is a grown able bodied man. I am sorry but you need to stop this nonsense right now - failed business or not.

ImperialBlether · 14/07/2016 15:17

And all that money you're paying him to live there? (Which is essentially what you're doing.) You could have a lodger in and save that money every month and take time off to go travelling or save up for a baby or a holiday home. He's costing you money every day of the week. He's completely disrespectful.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 14/07/2016 15:23

Is he clean himself? Does he get a shower and wear clean clothes?

I'm not the best at cleaning up like a mad woman but I can't look at dishes when I get in from work.

Whoever is in first does the dishes/starts cooking in our house.

DP is a little cracker with the mop and hoover.

I couldn't live with somebody who disrespects the roof you are putting over his head.

PersianCatLady · 14/07/2016 15:24

I think that he is taking advantage of you and you have every right to expect him to maintain the office that you have built for him to use in your home to a decent standard.

You say that he works all the time but he can't afford to pay his way, maybe it is time he gave up on whatever he is doing in the office and found a real job.

Perhaps you should set a time limit of 6 months for his business to earn enough money or for him to get a decent job. If he fails to do either you should ask him to leave.

You sound like a nice lady and honestly you deserve so much better than paying for him to treat you and your home like crap.

Good luck.

Original poster
PoisonWitch · 14/07/2016 15:25

I do have a lodger. That's why I moved him downstairs. It's also why I insisted he wash up every day but its more like every two days and the odd thing often gets missed. Don't think I could put another lodger in his room. I wouldn't want to sleep there as it's a bit cold and away from the bathroom.

I do get all your points though. I feel like I nag him a lot but that is his fault not mine and I need to stop feeling guilty about it. He need to have the motivation to do it himself. I've lost touch with what is reasonable. It took me all morning to do his office and I'm supposed to do the whole house today in prep for guests.

He rarely asks me to do stuff but if he did I would do it. That's just basic respect isn't it?

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 14/07/2016 15:29

He doesn't need to ask you, though, as you do it anyway. You pay his living expenses (what a massive perk that is to him!) and you moan a bit but basically let him do what he wants, when he wants. What could he ask you for that you're not giving him anyway?

How does the lodger feel about living with this guy?

Original poster
PoisonWitch · 14/07/2016 15:38

Lodger barely spends time in the house which is good. I forget he exists sometimes. Think his lifestyle suits lodging. He's never said anything.

Urgh it's all so childish. I'm on a special diet atm so told dp he would have to cool for himself this month. He has mostly eaten ready meals, toast, meat, fruit and oven chips. He can cook but again I think CBA. I have hinted heavily I would like him to cook me a nice meal at some point with effort put in but nothing. When he lived alone it was mostly ready meals and jarred Bolognese.

OP posts:
ZansForCans · 14/07/2016 15:44

He's massively managed down your expectations of him so that you think this is all you can get him to do. You've lost sight of what being with an actual responsible adult man would be like.

I really would remove him from your home. What do you have to lose? If you still want to be together as a couple, you can. But meanwhile you'll realise what a drain on your energy this was.

Gottagetmoving · 14/07/2016 15:45

It sounds like you are not compatible. If he does not want to change or cooperate and you cannot live with it, maybe it is best to go your separate ways?

Original poster
PoisonWitch · 14/07/2016 15:54

We could not survive if I kicked him out. He would have almost nothing. We got rid of most of his furniture etc when he moved in as mine was better. I think I would actually feel guilty enough to give him money to set up if he went. He would otherwise have to go to his parents which would be impractical and he would hate.

I'm no where near kicking him out yet. I think we need some serious discussions and then a period of time to see an improvement.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 14/07/2016 15:57

I bet £200 would buy all the furniture he wanted in a charity shop. I can't believe it was better than that, with the way he takes care of things.

I'm really glad you haven't paid off his debt. We'd have to stage an MN intervention if you were doing that!

Is he actually earning anything from this business he's running?

CocktailQueen · 14/07/2016 15:57

The mean side of me thinks I'm letting him live here for free so how dare he let my house get in such a state. This will wound him deeply if I say it as he hates not being able to pay his share. He is very proud.

He's the opposite of proud, Poison! he must have no pride at all to disrespect you and his work space so much. Sounds like a lazy cocklodger to me. What does he bring to your relationship?

CocktailQueen · 14/07/2016 15:59

It's a case of dropping his rubbish on the floor next to his chair instead of putting it in the bin. There is a bin by his chair but it's full and I don't know when he's ever emptied it.

How very unattractive. Hmm Wouldn't fancy shagging someone who lived like that :(

RivieraKid · 14/07/2016 16:03

I'm no where near kicking him out yet.

Honestly I cannot begin to imagine why. You're living with someone...No wait - you have someone living with you who is so lazy he drops trash on the floor because he can't be arsed to put it in the bin. As a PP said, there's low standards and then there's fucking disgusting.

I have no idea why you're putting up with someone so unbelievably dysfunctional. Please stop making excuses for his treating you and your house like a literal rubbish tip.

minatiae · 14/07/2016 16:05

Put a humane mouse trap outside, somewhere conspicuous where DP won't find it.

Wait.

When you've caught a mouse, put it in a jar (with holes in the lid, of course) and bring it inside.

Sit DP down and tell him that you caught it in his office. Then see how many manky bowls you find.