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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to not let DP live in filth?

201 replies

PoisonWitch · 14/07/2016 13:37

So DP has lived with me for two years now. Been together for six. He is a loving, kind man who I would like to be with forever but his office drives me mad.

It's my house. I bought it and pay all bills as he can't afford to atm. Business not making enough and he is looking hard for a job. He works from home mostly and is quite busy.

His office is a fucking state. I paid a fair but of money to have the garage converted to a useable room with a window for him. Not just for him as dads value to the house as well.

I don't go in there very often but it's disgusting. He hasn't finished painting it in a year so there are still bits of bare plaster. There is crap everywhere. Every time I go in I ask him to clean it and he says he will but doesn't. He is on a conference today so I blitzed it. I found 9 bowls full of manky old food, over half our teatowels and oven glove (he carried hot plates with them), about a million empty drinks cans and good wrappers on his desk and all over the floor. Socks and some t shirts. Other random shit just lying around.

I think the job for too big for him but he was the same when he was in the spare room. I saw a pizza crust in the floor and told him to pick it up. I told him everytime I went up and it was there over six months.

I now plan to tell him since I have been forced to do it he had no excuse for keeping it horrible. I will throw a tantrum. The mean side of me thinks I'm letting him live here for free so how dare he let my house get in such a state. This will wound him deeply if I say it as he hates not being able to pay his share. He is very proud.

What would you suggest going forwards wise ones?

OP posts:
minatiae · 14/07/2016 16:06

inconspicuous. I hate this phone.

ImperialBlether · 14/07/2016 16:07

The thing is, OP, that most people are more tidy in someone else's house. You might leave your own things lying around at home, but when you're at someone else's house you tidy them up.

This guy is worse in your house than he was in his own!

Also, if you ever do have children, please don't even consider letting him be a SAHP. Just don't.

memyselfandaye · 14/07/2016 16:10

Just tell him he's a dirty fucker, he isn't a child and you aren't his mother, shape up or ship the fuck out.

He sounds like he lives like a student, what's his personal hygene like? Cos honestly I couldn't have sex with such a minger

PossiblyOverSensitive · 14/07/2016 16:12

What a slovenly rude disrespectful pig. Tell him straight or you're a huge mug. How is he proud in any way? Sponges off you and lives like a pig? Won't pick up his CRUST FROM THE FLOOR unless you tell him directly?! Rather you than me. I prefer to be with someone who views me as an equal not a pay cheque and a maid. Do something about this don't let him get away with it. For a start he can afford bills at least?!

PossiblyOverSensitive · 14/07/2016 16:12

What a slovenly rude disrespectful pig. Tell him straight or you're a huge mug. How is he proud in any way? Sponges off you and lives like a pig? Won't pick up his CRUST FROM THE FLOOR unless you tell him directly?! Rather you than me. I prefer to be with someone who views me as an equal not a pay cheque and a maid. Do something about this don't let him get away with it. For a start he can afford bills at least?!

PoisonWitch · 14/07/2016 16:13

He does keep himself clean. He wears nice clean clothes because I wash, fold, mend and organise them. When he lived alone his laundry skills were shocking. Leaving stuff in the machine for ages. Hanging stuff all scrunched up so it crumpled and dried unevenly. I don't actually trust him to clean my clothes.

God I'm such a fucking mug. This really needs to change.

OP posts:
HouseworkIsASin10 · 14/07/2016 16:14

This gets worse, sorry but you are a walkover Shock

PoisonWitch · 14/07/2016 16:24

I sent him a text earlier saying he has no excuse not to keep it clean anymore and he must finish the painting. I think I'll make it clear this is crunch time and I can't live like this. I've never made that clear before, even when I cried over the washing up.

OP posts:
AlMinzerAndHisPyramidOfDogs · 14/07/2016 16:28

Cocklodger alert.

ZansForCans · 14/07/2016 16:31

I think I would actually feel guilty enough to give him money to set up if he went. He would otherwise have to go to his parents which would be impractical and he would hate.

And yet he doesn't feel guilty at all about making your life "impractical" and not giving you money! You hate having the mess this slob makes in your home - does he care? No.

It is his responsibility and fault if he ends up in a situation he hates. He will have done that to himself by being a lazy disrespectful sponging arse to his partner.

He wears nice clean clothes because I wash, fold, mend and organise them. When he lived alone his laundry skills were shocking. Leaving stuff in the machine for ages. Hanging stuff all scrunched up so it crumpled and dried unevenly. I don't actually trust him to clean my clothes.

Oh no OP oh no no no no no!

Stay with this bloke, keep this bloke in your home, and this is the life you are looking at forever. Except worse, because he will get worse, and if you have kids, you'll have even more laundry and they will see him taking the piss and using you like a slave, and they will learn from that.

You sound great, mature, kind and caring. You deserve so much better.

PersianCatLady · 14/07/2016 16:31

Honestly the more of your story the more I feel sorry for you.

He is treating you and your home like crap. Why is it that you don't think you deserve better than this? Why are you willing to feel guilty for being (from what I can tell) a bloody saint?

We could not survive if I kicked him out. He would have almost nothing.
He would otherwise have to go to his parents which would be impractical and he would hate.
To be honest so what let him go back to his parents for a "trial period" and if he hates it that much he can come back to you but only under your rules.

Please don't let this man treat you like this a minute longer.

Badders123 · 14/07/2016 16:33

He may be many many things, but proud is NOT one them!
Dirty lazy bastard.

RubbleBubble00 · 14/07/2016 16:36

Sounds like a great way to get mice, grim

CocktailQueen · 14/07/2016 16:38

He wears nice clean clothes because I wash, fold, mend and organise them. When he lived alone his laundry skills were shocking. Leaving stuff in the machine for ages. Hanging stuff all scrunched up so it crumpled and dried unevenly. I don't actually trust him to clean my clothes.

Shock Shock Shock

FFS, OP. He is a useless, lazy twat. Doing the laundry is not rocket science.

CharlotteCollins · 14/07/2016 16:39

Is it more important to you if he hates something (living with his parents) than if you hate something?

MaudlinNamechange · 14/07/2016 16:40

"I know it sounds callous not to marry him for financial reasons"

NO NO NO NO NO IT DOES NOT. It sounds correct and sane. You are very right.

It does sound a bit odd that you want to be with him at all, though. You know he is a bad risk for marriage. You have given him a few years to see how things pan out. I think, for your own sanity, you need to move on.

I have made lots of mistakes like this, by the way, over the years. I am talking to my twenty-something self as I talk to you!

He isn't a nice man. He might be funny, charming, etc, but he's not kind because he isn't treating you well. And he won't have your back when something bad or challenging happens.

Mrskeats · 14/07/2016 16:41

How can you cope with this?
He needs to up his game or move out
Disgusting

timelytess · 14/07/2016 16:41

I have some suggestions about what you might say to him.

First, put his belongings into bin bags just outside your gate.
Then, when you speak to him say

"Goodbye, cocklodger. You are no longer welcome here."
"Bye, loser, you just fell off the gravy train."
"See that (pointing to the rubbish you removed from the 'office' he has in your garage)? Well its going to the tip. And those (pointing to the bin bags of his possessions)? They will go there too if you haven't moved them by morning. And you? You go anywhere you like that isn't here."

That should sort it.

PoisonWitch · 14/07/2016 16:43

Sigh you guys are right I do put up with too much. My previous boyfriend was just as bad but we were students so it seemed normal. He had a room in a house but left his crap all over my flat. I even had to brush his hair for him! He got the heave ho for being abusive. Actually left him for current DP who would never raise a hand to a woman and respects me in all ways except this one. I guess I thought the house stuff was unimportant compared to how great he is elsewhere but it is important and will get more so as we get older. Sad

OP posts:
Mamia15 · 14/07/2016 16:44

Don't tell me you shag this manchild who views you as a substitute mum?!

That must be so weird and icky :/

You keep making excuses for him - tell him to grow up or take a hike.

Pathetic.

Mrskeats · 14/07/2016 16:46

You are right that it gets more important as you get older.
It also doesn't show much respect for the home you are paying for.

expatinscotland · 14/07/2016 16:46

Jesus wept! What made you have such a low self-esteem at 26 that you put up with a lazy, disrespectful, free-loading cocklodger.

He doesn't give a shit about your home and has zero respect for you. He can't even put stuff in the fucking bin and you are nowhere near kicking him out? You've offered to pay off his debts and give him money? You'd give him money to set up?

Your self-esteem has serious problems.

There is nothing lovely about a cocklodging fuckwit like this.

PortiaCastis · 14/07/2016 16:51

Sorry OP what the hell is wrong with you. Kick yourself up the arse smell the coffee and get your sponging lazy fuckwit of a lodger out and get your life back

PortiaCastis · 14/07/2016 16:52

PS don't have sex with him either

Badders123 · 14/07/2016 16:53

He doesn't respect you