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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to not let DP live in filth?

201 replies

PoisonWitch · 14/07/2016 13:37

So DP has lived with me for two years now. Been together for six. He is a loving, kind man who I would like to be with forever but his office drives me mad.

It's my house. I bought it and pay all bills as he can't afford to atm. Business not making enough and he is looking hard for a job. He works from home mostly and is quite busy.

His office is a fucking state. I paid a fair but of money to have the garage converted to a useable room with a window for him. Not just for him as dads value to the house as well.

I don't go in there very often but it's disgusting. He hasn't finished painting it in a year so there are still bits of bare plaster. There is crap everywhere. Every time I go in I ask him to clean it and he says he will but doesn't. He is on a conference today so I blitzed it. I found 9 bowls full of manky old food, over half our teatowels and oven glove (he carried hot plates with them), about a million empty drinks cans and good wrappers on his desk and all over the floor. Socks and some t shirts. Other random shit just lying around.

I think the job for too big for him but he was the same when he was in the spare room. I saw a pizza crust in the floor and told him to pick it up. I told him everytime I went up and it was there over six months.

I now plan to tell him since I have been forced to do it he had no excuse for keeping it horrible. I will throw a tantrum. The mean side of me thinks I'm letting him live here for free so how dare he let my house get in such a state. This will wound him deeply if I say it as he hates not being able to pay his share. He is very proud.

What would you suggest going forwards wise ones?

OP posts:
PoisonWitch · 14/07/2016 14:13

Does anyone have some suggestions of what I could say to him that will come over strongly without saying the bitchy things in my head?

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 14/07/2016 14:15

I think you need to just say that this situation cannot and will not go on. Maybe you could ask him for solutions.

KinkyAfro · 14/07/2016 14:16

You need to tell him to pull his finger out, clean up after himself, contribute to bills or fuck off.

Arfarfanarf · 14/07/2016 14:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PoisonWitch · 14/07/2016 14:19

I'm not sure I trust his solutions. He said he wouldn't hoard crockery once he moved office as it was by the kitchen instead of up two flights of stairs so easier to remember to take stuff back. That didn't happen. No wonder I can never find bowls or glasses or forks. Angry

OP posts:
MilicentKing · 14/07/2016 14:19

Sounds like a really odd relationship to me.

My alarm bells rang when you wrote "DP has lived with me".
Shouldn't it be "DP and I have lived together".

And surely when you live together in a relationship where both parties respect each other there is none of this "I bought the house with my money" or "he doesn't earn much" bla bla - it should be shared and each have their role.

It sounds like you are talking about an immature adult child still living at home.

ZansForCans · 14/07/2016 14:19

OP this was me 16 years ago (though mine did have a job) Living with a lazy, messy, disrespectful, "lovely bloke" who you love, and basically make excuses for.

Being sweet, kind, funny and loving etc. does not make up for being lazy and disrespectful. It will drive you mad, and if you have kids, it will drive a massive wedge between you. There was some other disrespectful bollocks going on with mine as well, but this is really bad on its own.

What he is saying to you is that his time is more important, he doesn't give a shit about what might happen to your home as a result of his behaviour (i.e a serious vermin problem, mould, dilapidation) and he can sit back while you do it - AND pay for it. He's effectively stealing your spare time and taking your money.

You are developing a parent-child relationship which means more work for you, you getting resentful, then him getting resentful at you for being "in charge". Been there done that.

The "very proud" thing rings alarm bells too - in other words he's unrealistic about his crap behaviour and doesn't like to be told about it - how dare he be "wounded" that he gets to live there for nothing and yet can't be arsed to make up for that by keeping it nice. That's the very least he could do.

There's a simple solution though - it's your house, so either LTB and kick him out, or just kick him out. Agree to a relationship on the basis he has his own place and sorts his own mess. He's an adult and if he can't pay his way there are benefits.

Petal40 · 14/07/2016 14:19

I totally understand.teenage sons are a nightmare.mine does exactly the same as yrs....difference being I refuse to clear it up.... I took a photo of the mess and gave him 24 hours to clean up before I put the photo on Facebook and sent copies to relatives....it was done by him pretty sharpish....that's the thing with teenagers give an inch and they take a mile.......

OohMavis · 14/07/2016 14:19

How long have you been asking him to clean up after himself? Maybe now is the time to be 'bitchy', because being nice hasn't worked so far. And you've had to resort to doing it all yourself while he's out.

Unless you show him how unhappy you are, it's unlikely he will realise. It's ok to be pissed off.

redannie118 · 14/07/2016 14:22

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns, and so we've agreed to take this down now.

QuintessentialShadow · 14/07/2016 14:22

Reclaim the office.
Tell him because he has kept the room in such a state, you are installing a gym/sewing workshop/ reading room for yourself, so he will be evicted from it in the next couple of weeks. Source some information about hired office space for him, and print it out for him.

I would not put up with that in my own home. He can work elsewhere. And you will save money on heating bills if you dont need to run the heating all day every day.

ZansForCans · 14/07/2016 14:23

he really is trying.

Are you sure? Or does he just tell you that? Because someone who really did want to earn a crust could be out there working in Tesco or anything else he can find while he searches for the right job.

I'm not sure I trust his solutions. He said he wouldn't hoard crockery once he moved office as it was by the kitchen instead of up two flights of stairs so easier to remember to take stuff back. That didn't happen.

Hmm I listened to crap excuses like this throughout my relationship. I LTB by the way!

Janecc · 14/07/2016 14:23

You are his lover, not his mother and this is really not sexy. You are losing respect for him. You want equality and a partnership. Ask him what he will do to give you this equality and rebuild trust between you.

If he starts talking about how hard he's trying, I'd ask him if he thinks it would be best to get a job, any job to help his mental stability and structure his time.

Bottom line op. How old are you? If you are young and want children, he needs a deadline to shape up or ship out.

Letmesleepalready · 14/07/2016 14:24

Could you start by telling him food should only be consumed in the kitchen and dining room? I mean at least paperwork type mess won't go mouldy, unlike food.
We have a no food policy in bedrooms, because it would quickly begin to create a mess (not the tidiest household here!) and like that we know everything will either be in the kitchen and the living room.

PoisonWitch · 14/07/2016 14:24

I've been asking him since he moved in basically. His flat was a top before he moved in although not quite this bad. I think I will have to pay down the law. It won't be acceptable for him to do it for a bit to keep me happy then lapse. It will have to be an attitude shift. It won't be easy but it's very necessary.

OP posts:
VestalVirgin · 14/07/2016 14:24

Wow. I am very untidy, and I think that being depressed does make it harder to clean, but mouldy pizza crusts ... that's just inacceptable.

If you are convinced that he's not just lazy, perhaps you should get him to get treatment for his depression.

BitOutOfPractice · 14/07/2016 14:25

Yes but does he realise how important this is to you ie potential dealbreaker and what the consequences will be if he doesn't shape up?

Some men have had a lightbulb moment reading this

Pinkheart5915 · 14/07/2016 14:28

I can't get past pizza crusts being there for 6 months Shock

Your not his mother you don't need to run round cleaning up after him.

Honestly OP something needs to change

JudyCoolibar · 14/07/2016 14:29

Are you sure he's actually working in there as opposed to using it for his slobbing out room? I'm not the tidiest of workers but even I couldn't work round piles of dirty plates and pizza crust. If he's lounging around eating pizza and knocking back canned drinks, I would put money on the fact that he's spending large chunks of the day playing on the computer and watching online films etc. It could be worth your while finding excuses to wander in there when he's "working" to check out what's going on.

PoisonWitch · 14/07/2016 14:29

I like the idea of no good except in the kitchen and sitting room. That might help.

I'm 26 and no interest in DCs yet. He had been trying for any job but is hampered by his degree, odd looking cv and area of high unemployment. Supermarket work is highly prized here and they won't employ a graduate. His last two interviews were for call centres.

OP posts:
ZansForCans · 14/07/2016 14:29

And this might help

Gruach · 14/07/2016 14:29

Only adding to the chorus - but there are so many "tolds" and "tells" in your OP! Absolutely, exactly as if you are talking about a 14 year old boy ...

And to be frank, it must be hard to drive a business to profitability if you take so little pride in your workplace. Not good.

Pinkheart5915 · 14/07/2016 14:32

Well if his cv is "Odd" Confused then he needs to sort it out should be pretty easy for a graduate surely

I don't think you can blame having a degree for him not getting work as in " oh the supermarket won't employ a grad" Hmm -Your making excuses for him!

PoisonWitch · 14/07/2016 14:35

Love that link Bit. It's exactly how I feel. I will keep it as a trump card if he doesn't pull his finger out after our talk.

About six months ago I had a big strip over the washing up which he was leaving for days. He has got better since then but that issue is still not totally resolved.

OP posts:
Sparklesilverglitter · 14/07/2016 14:35

Thing is OP if you let him behave this way you know what he will!

Pizza 6 months old is just bloody disgusting.

With regards to the ODD cv why hasn't he re done it? If he won't make the cv less odd then he's not doing all he can is he

I also don't think any supermarket has the " we never employ grads" policy don't make excuses for him

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