AIBU to not let DP live in filth?

[PoisonWitch]

So DP has lived with me for two years now. Been together for six. He is a loving, kind man who I would like to be with forever but his office drives me mad.

It's my house. I bought it and pay all bills as he can't afford to atm. Business not making enough and he is looking hard for a job. He works from home mostly and is quite busy.

His office is a fucking state. I paid a fair but of money to have the garage converted to a useable room with a window for him. Not just for him as dads value to the house as well.

I don't go in there very often but it's disgusting. He hasn't finished painting it in a year so there are still bits of bare plaster. There is crap everywhere. Every time I go in I ask him to clean it and he says he will but doesn't. He is on a conference today so I blitzed it. I found 9 bowls full of manky old food, over half our teatowels and oven glove (he carried hot plates with them), about a million empty drinks cans and good wrappers on his desk and all over the floor. Socks and some t shirts. Other random shit just lying around.

I think the job for too big for him but he was the same when he was in the spare room. I saw a pizza crust in the floor and told him to pick it up. I told him everytime I went up and it was there over six months.

I now plan to tell him since I have been forced to do it he had no excuse for keeping it horrible. I will throw a tantrum. The mean side of me thinks I'm letting him live here for free so how dare he let my house get in such a state. This will wound him deeply if I say it as he hates not being able to pay his share. He is very proud.

What would you suggest going forwards wise ones?

I'm concerned that you think just because he doesn't hit you he is not being disrespectful by;
Treating your home like a doss house
Not doing basic housework
Ignoring you when you get upset about it

You're probably right about my self esteem expat. Thanks for straight talking.

I have no idea why. I'm young, educated, solvent, responsible, decent. I have a nice house and a good job. My face doesn't scare children. No one has been out and out horrid to me for years. I'm never unreasonable or entitled. I do deserve more and I have the right to demand it.

I have no words for these type of threads anymore. I just want to scream at my phone.

I'm sorry Bottom. I honestly didn't think I was one of 'those' women. Just wanted some tips on how to make him shape up. This thread has made me think about how unacceptable it actually is.

I actually think when you are decent, fair-minded and kind yourself, you can't really take on board that Mr Lovely doesn't actually give a crap about your feelings, and so you make excuses/tell yourself he'l shape up once you can just get through to him. After all you'd never treat anyone like this, so there must be a good reason of some kind, since he's so nice and all...

I'm not having a go at you, I think I thought this way too back at the start of my LTR. It took me years to really clock that despite all his protestations, and despite apparently being a sweet guy, he basically just put his own needs first and let me pick up the slack because he had zero empathy and simply didn't care and didn't like doing anything he didn't 100% fancy doing.

I have low self-esteem, after a very traumatic childhood, but I've always been a coper/high-achiever and so thought I'd miraculously escaped unaffected. In fact, it just worked in subtler ways. So no I wasn't with a violent bully - but I was with Mr Nice who took advantage and ignored my needs.

It's easy enough to lose perspective, Bottomchops, particularly when you're young and have grown up while your partner is happy to stay in teenager mode.

Do you think that having jumped from one bad relationship straight into this one you haven't really had chance to build up your self esteem?

You say he's not abusive because he doesn't hit you or be nasty to you but he does treat you like a skivvy and your home like a shit-tip - that shows that he has an astonishing lack of respect for you and that he feels he is more important and that you are there simply to look after him.

Do you think you might be too nice and are almost afraid of standing up for yourself because people might not like you? I'm wondering if you would benefit from some kind of assertiveness training?

Perhaps being single, or at least not living with your partner (for want of a better word), will help with your confidence, self importance and self esteem because you'll see how it feels being completely independent, free to do what pleases you and to spend/save your money in ways that suits you. Once you're free of this situation you'll see how much it is grinding you down.

I would suggest writing a list of EVERY thing you do, right down to 'plumped cushions' and 'changed hand towel'. Show him it, and tell him in no uncertain terms that you are very, very upset about how little he does. Say that you love him very much, but if he can't see how unacceptable his behaviour is, you would prefer to live separately.

You're trying to beat a square peg into a round hole. He is not going to change and become Mr. Clean. He will have bursts of improvement in response to your nagging as long as the meal ticket is worth it to him, and then relapse and the cycle will start all over again.

Is that how you want to live for the coming few decades?

I would send him to his parents; maybe an impractical, less cushy environment will be motivating. You could get a paying lodger to live in the garage room.

I do definitely see the best in people when maybe it isn't there. I also haven't been single for more than a few months since I was 14.

I was bullied terribly as a child and was always very emotionally independent so never got help or spoke to anyone even when I was self harming. I, like you, thought I'd got over it by making a great set of friends as a mid teen, always having men around and making a success of my life all by myself. I feel confident and happy with myself on the surface. I think you're right that the damage is deeper and more insidious than that.

I have got better at standing up for myself recently but only with strangers. Maybe assertiveness would help me.

I know it sounds callous not to marry him for financial reasons

You don't sound callous at all, you sound sensible. Please get rid of him, he would never pull this sort of crap with someone else.

What he will have to do when you kick him out is not your problem. He is an adult, and his life is his responsibility.

If he really would hate living with his parents, it will hopefully be the kick up the arse he needs to sort himself out.

Op I am so sorry but you're self esteem is at rock bottom. When I had really low self esteem I didn't' really realise it either. You are on your second abusive relationship he just has a different way of using and abusing you. As for him respecting you in all other ways you have described so many ways in which he is disrespecting you is there anything left or is it ok to treat you like shit as long as he buys you a bunch of flowers once a month? Abuse always seems to escalate and it won't be long before you are having to flush to loo and wipe his bum for him. Will you still fancy him then? I think he knew what he was doing when he got together with you. Sorry to be blunt but I think a lot of the posters are right and are being harsh to give you a wake up call and because as a woman what you have written makes me angry especially the financial abuse. You are so much better than this you sound very capable and independent.

I also haven't been single for more than a few months since I was 14.

Be single. Get to know you. I was terrified of being on my own when I spilt up with me ex, and it's the best thing that has ever happened to me

I know what I want, I know what I am prepared to compromise on, and I know what is not acceptable. I have so much more self respect, and it's been invigorating just being me and not having to consider anyone else's needs.

I think what I'll do is have that serious chat with him and see how it goes over the next months. I will keep this thread to remind me I'm not being unreasonable in my expectations. I'll keep a very close eye on attitude. Is he doing it by himself or because I'm prompting? Is he taking pride in his environment?

If not he will be gone. I will miss him horribly and his family who love me so much. It will be dreadful but I can't live like this. He will get a chance once he knows what it means to me and he will shape up or break my heart.

Do you have "treat me like a doormat but please please please don't leave me single" tattooed on your forehead? You have major self esteem issues.

You can try turn a giraffe into a cangaroo. It may try to stoop for a while, but it will never grow a pouch!

And at some point it will have to straighten its neck again. It has to, it is after all a giraffe!

Why do people try to turn giraffes into cangaroos beats me, you either need to find a cangaroo or accept the giraffe for who/what he is!

cangaroo

Is that a cousin of a kangeroo?

Or even a kangaroo Mad?

Cangaroo arf!

Seriously I have taken all this on board. I do need to give him a chance for my own sake as I've never made my feelings crystal clear before. Your words have strengthened me and things in this house will be changing one way or another.

It's a kangaroo with a positive attitude, you big meanie.

You might find Baggage Reclaim really helpful - I have.

OP I'm just a few months out of an abusive relationship. You could be describing my ex down to the moldy pizza and the dirty crockery that never make it to the sink. His room in his old place was a tip but when we considered moving in together he told me he'd improve (I was an idiot). I have an A4 page listing all the cleaning things I did weekly, he put away the clean dishes that was it, and even then he would "forget" amazingly often.

It's a massive show of disrespect. By all means have your talk but set a realistic time-frame on him i.e. he has to put in a proper effort for the next three weeks and leave no doubt that if he lets standards slide again he's out on his ear.

I talked to my ex several times about him needing to clear up after himself or he had to get a cleaner in (he was earning three times what I was as a PhD student). His solution was he'd try and get good at putting away the clean dishes over the month and then we could try and train him into the next small cleaning task the next month. It was crazy but I let him away with it while I was spending every weekend clearing up his mess. Thankfully he dumped me because I think I would have burnt myself out doing crazy hours in the lab and doing all the cooking and cleaning when I went home. Now I'm living back home with my parents where at least my dad puts away his stuff in the dishwasher, cleans up after himself and does the washing up.

I've finally figured out why I normalized such shabby treatment and I know that I deserve better. You deserve better too than that kind of disrespect, you need to look into why your esteem and boundaries are so low that you care more about not hurting your feelings when he clearly has zero respect for yours.

• his feelings

I know you say he isn't earning much money ( why would he want to if you're bank rolling him ?) but he is running a business from your property . Doesn't this involve higher insurance / council tax ?