To find shy people irritating?

[BuntingForSummer]

My younger cousin is very shy and quiet. She has been like this since as long as I have known her.

She hardly ever speaks. It's not just in social gatherings but even when it's just us with my aunt's family.

Times when I have tried to initiate a conversation, I just receive monosyllabic answers or a very brief answer at best. She just sort of sits there listening and watching everyone. It makes me feel very irritated. I mean I can understand being quiet and shy around strangers but we are family ffs! My aunt says she does speak at home but I literally have never seen her hold a conversation longer than a minute.

AIBU to feel irritated by her behaviour? I have never seen anything like it apart from a colleague at work who is also very very quiet but not to such a degree.

sorry mopi(i used to shorten the film t that)

the last thing the cousin is doing is being selfish if shes has crippling anxiety around anyone other than her parents its bloody hard to start a converation incase people think less of her

Canyou, I think the issue is that OP's opening post sounds (hopefully unintentionally) very offensive to shy people. Not just offensive, but upsetting. And many people's natural reaction to feeling upset/threatened is counter-attacking. I think that is understandable.

Although I don't think the OP deserves abuse, her opening words were very thoughtless. Which in turns confirms the view of pushy, talkative people as selfish and lacking empathy, IYSWIM? It's precisely because 'shy' people are quiet that 'loud' people are finding this view shocking/surprising - they've never heard them say it aloud .

Bottom line, not everybody is compatible with everybody else. But you must admit that society finds loud people far more acceptable than quiet people. Quiet people are a bit tired of being generally regarded as inferior or defective in some way.

To paraphrase Elizabeth Bennett, "I am shit at the piano because I can't be arsed to practice. You are considered arrogant Mr Darcy because you don't talk to anyone or dance at parties." It is the curse of the shy to appear arrogant and the chatty to seem empty headed and overbearing. A little understanding on both sides would go a long way... I am sometimes self conscious and quiet and sometimes bored and quiet and sometimes preoccupied and quiet and sometimes engaged and chatty depends on my mood and who I am with. My nieces and nephews are a mixed bunch but most are much more chatty with their peers than with me, that is what I expect. I don't know enough about their daily lives as we are spread around the UK so I expect only minimal polite conversation, more than that is a bonus.

I used to be horribly shy, & find social situations difficult, even with some family members. I'm much more confident now, I usually just ignore people who bore & annoy me. I hope she'll get there one day.

Could it be possible that when you speak to her you are a little patronising?

I'm only asking because when I was younger my mum would tell everyone how painfully shy I was and some of them would make a huge song and dance about "bringing me out of my shell". This usually meant speaking loudly at me like I was stupid.

I'm sure she is aware you have spoken to her mum about it which has probably made things more awkward between you.

I would just leave her be, TBH.

I haven't read the full thread and I never say this, but you're being incredibly selfish and inconsiderate.

Is idaho a sockpuppet? She seems to be the only one on here who has as much of a vehement issue with the poor girl's shyness as the OP, and has been back for a lot of posts to say so...

I'm with whoever mentioned the gobshites, loud, overbearing and profoundly irritating.

One (or more) of my friends comes across as shy initially. She has AS and doesn't get small talk. She manages all of the usual pleasantries, such as "How are you?" etc but more the talk after that which she thinks comes across as pointless or meaningless. I'm in agreement with that, some people do like to talk for the sake of it, and about nothing particular.

Pretty much everyone else seems to be saying OP should cut her some slack, because [shyness/crippling social anxiety] - which btw is not negated by familial relationships - is neither selfish nor fun.

yabvu. have you ever heard of selective mutism? for all you know she may be going through hell

Human beings seem to be increasingly lacking empathy. Not all people of course. But many seem to be unable to give anyone else any consideration at all.

I can understand in social situations with strangers etc but I am family. Thats why I am struggling to understand. Yes I would say she is an introvert but I am too! It doesn't mean I don't talk to anyone !
There's a whole world of difference between being introverted and being physically unable to speak in front of other people.
Trust me, I know. It's not that you don't WANT to speak to people, you do - you just can't.
I was like this all the way through high school, and you've just brought it back to me, had near enough forgotten about it until just now as I'm better now and I'm old and it was a long time ago.
I'm more gobby now
You can maybe speak to a few close friends. Outside of that, though? No.
However much you want to. You just go mute.
It's pretty saddening that as family you'd be pissed off by it. There'll be a whole lovely person sat behind the "can't speak" façade and you're choosing to change it into something negative and personal against you or something.
Accept it as someone just being different to yourself, and talk just like you would to a more responsive person.
They might not reply, but they appreciate it and are inwardly talking back to you!

Introversion is not the same as severe shyness/social anxiety.

OP, you are assuming that she should not find you threatening because you're family. Would you treat an arachnophobe the same way? In both situations there is no real threat of danger, but the overwhelming anxiety is very real.

Also, when my social anxiety was at its worst, I was very wary of people I knew were likely to find me boring/annoying/rude, which became a vicious cycle as I then became even quieter around them. I suspect this is the case here.

Reasons people might behave like this:

Social anxiety
Generalised anxiety disorder
Depression
More severe mental illnesses eg schizoaffective disorder
Selective Mutism
Aspergers or other Autistic Continuum condition
Dyspraxia
Stammering
Language disorder
Brain injury or neurological trauma

Or, she might not be that into you.

In any and all cases, being irritated by this shyness is a bit of a compassion fail.

In any and all cases, being irritated by this shyness is a bit of a compassion fail.

Completely agree. And there seems to be a lot of it about.

It's not ok to rock up to social occasions and then decide you can't be bothered to talk pleasantly to people there.

Is it ok to force yourself to go to social occasions despite your total dread, knowing that it will seem rude if you don't go? Is it ok to be with a group of people chatting away to each other and literally have brain freeze, so that you can't think of anything to say that will be of interest to/engage/amuse any of them, and not make you sound stupid? Is it ok to then go home and spend the next few hours agonising over why you are such a socially inept dead loss?

At various times in my life I have experienced all of the above. I'm lucky, because when I am relaxed and with people I know well I am not affected, but I can imagine life is hellish If you feel like that all the time, and there are people who feel like that all the time. It is not a decision, it's a visceral reaction.

Being irritated is a bit unreasonable. But I do find shyness irritating - not necessarily the person, because they may it be able to help it, but it's anti-social and in a social situation that makes it harder work for everyone else there.

I don't think of shy people as arrogant (though if any of the images people have put up are a true representation of shy people's real mindset then I should start thinking that). But mainly social conversation is a skill to learn and there are ways to tackle most of the issues that make people feel unable to participate. People who don't put effort into addressing that but still participate in group situations are being somewhat unkind to pretty much everyone else in the group. It's fairly selfish.

Every person is cut from different cloth. You like to talk - your cousin doesn't. In group situations, no matter if it's family, friends, or colleagues, I only talk when I have something worthwhile to say. Maybe it's the same for her. It's nothing to be "irritated" about, and certainly not anything to be taken personally. Just love her for who and what she is - she's not harming you. Try having a cup of tea next to her and treat her like you would any friend. You might be surprised.

Is there any chance she could find you irritating too?

Sheesh, not sure what all this "but I'm faaaamily" has to do with whether she wants to talk to you or not.
Respect and warmth is earned, not an automatic entitlement just because you're related.

I can understand your cousin's position because I'm very quiet and feel extremely awkward in the company of family members on both sides of my family. It's only because I think they are loud, overbearing, manipulative and two-faced at the way they discuss people and how they never take me seriously, preferring to judge and discuss me behind my back.

I just count the time down when I'm in that position - seriously the internal anxiety is crippling and nowadays I try to avoid those situations at all costs.

My family are the people I choose to be in my life and I've never felt anything other than relaxed and accepted in their company.

There is a common (even amongst a lot of these replies) normalisation of extroversion. And an assumption that introverts should try to behave like them, or can be " fixed" by being helped, and therefore be happier.

Not true. (And some interesting historical parallels)

Shyness is not a condition in itself, it is an expression of distress created by cognitive dissonance, people not being allowed to behave in a way that comes naturally to them and being pressured to "normalise" into a whole different and unachievable personality type. Often perpetuated by what is still regarded as socially acceptable bullying.

I don't really think it's a normalization of extroversion, but rather an acknowledgement of a need for small talk as the grease that makes social occasions be, well, social.

People who try to engage others in conversation at parties don't necessarily enjoy it, or find it natural or fulfilling in itself. But all those little introductions and forced conversations develop the relationships that make society, in the broadest sense, work. That's why sitting silently or ignoring people is poor manners if you can learn not to. We all benefit from having society, coping out of shoring up its walls by failing to engage with others is lazy.

You find it irritating?! Imagine being a shy person who tells themself, next time I will speak up, I will try really hard to say something, and finds yet again themself all tangled up, bound tightly in this thing called being so shy you just can't imagine the sheer feeling of frustration yet again, the agony, the despair, especially when they know others judge them badly for something they just can't escape from for even five minutes. You only find it irritating OP imagine how you would feel if you were shy and didn't want to be.