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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find shy people irritating?

360 replies

BuntingForSummer · 13/07/2016 22:01

My younger cousin is very shy and quiet. She has been like this since as long as I have known her.

She hardly ever speaks. It's not just in social gatherings but even when it's just us with my aunt's family.

Times when I have tried to initiate a conversation, I just receive monosyllabic answers or a very brief answer at best. She just sort of sits there listening and watching everyone. It makes me feel very irritated. I mean I can understand being quiet and shy around strangers but we are family ffs! My aunt says she does speak at home but I literally have never seen her hold a conversation longer than a minute.

AIBU to feel irritated by her behaviour? I have never seen anything like it apart from a colleague at work who is also very very quiet but not to such a degree.

OP posts:
GraceGrape · 13/07/2016 22:29

Should read "and only think..."

Stressedoldmom · 13/07/2016 22:32

My son is like that, even with some family. He has aspergers, a brain injury and crippling social anxiety (all invisible disabilities). I would hate to think family were getting annoyed with him because he doesn't 'get' small talk or enjoy socialising at all.

Nydj · 13/07/2016 22:34

What's with all the I'm an introvert but I make an effort nonsense? Not everyone is the same. Not all introverts are the same. If, as a self confessed introvert, you can't find it in you to accept your cousin for how she is then I really do despair!

myownprivateidaho · 13/07/2016 22:35

Can't beleive that people feel it's ok to talk about someone who has described themselves as asking questions and trying to make conversation as a "gobshite" an "air filler" and "yacking". Or that people are suggesting that she doesn't like the op, or can't be bothered to make conversation, as if this makes monosyllabism ok! Yes, of course shyness is an affliction, and it's important to empathise and sympathise. However being shy doesn't exonerate you from all social obligations, and if your behaviour is liable to make others feel bad, then ideally you will try to change things to avoid that. Empathy works both ways.

Imaginosity · 13/07/2016 22:35

Please be kind to her even if you find it irritating. I've had very bad social anxiety which I'm finally almost out growing now in in my 30's. I spent so much of my life very anxious and miserable acutely aware other people thought I was strange but unable to speak unless I met the right person. I've also had a life threatening illness which I lived with for a year. The social anxiety was overall more difficult to deal with than the illness.

There are certain types of people out there who are just lovely and kind and have a way of making you feel included and 'normal' even though you're obviously crippled by anxiety. I always appreciate those people.

If you feel irritated by her - just imagine how she feels day in day out living with it. It's so difficult.

Don't put pressure on her to speak. Don't point out that you've noticed she's quiet or not joining in.

roundaboutthetown · 13/07/2016 22:35

It's quite hard to talk to someone who obviously finds you irritating... I expect you come across as a bit aggressively patronising and insincere. Introverted people are often hypersensitive to other people's poorly concealed emotions...

SaucyJack · 13/07/2016 22:35

Just leaving this here.

To find shy people irritating?
Ambroxide · 13/07/2016 22:36

I imagine she can't stand you and probably finds you loud and overbearing. You don't have to like everyone, you know. It's fine to be shy or loud, just don't hang out with people who find your particular way of being annoying. And yes, she definitely finds you annoying, OP.

myownprivateidaho · 13/07/2016 22:38

And why is it fine for the cousin to not like the op, and show it, but not for the op to find the cousin irritating? Confused

Aeroflotgirl · 13/07/2016 22:38

Mabey she finds you intimidating, and senses your irritation.

wtffgs · 13/07/2016 22:40

Excellent, Jack!!

I have a horror of work dos. I will make small talk at the water cooler or when making a cuppa but the last Xmas do I went to was awful.

You sound a bit wearing TBH OP. I am not a big fan of people who incessantly pester others.

RaskolnikovsGarret · 13/07/2016 22:41

Shyness can be a problem though. DD1's Spanish exchange did not say a word when she stayed with us. Ditto when DD1 went to stay with her. We made such an effort to make the poor girl feel welcome, but to no avail. She was just too shy to be able to enjoy the experience.

And it was pretty hard for DD1 when she was in Spain, an unfamiliar environment. In my view, the girl should not have gone on the exchange if she was too shy to make the most of it. It made DD1 feel pretty isolated in Spain when she was having to initiate all the conversations. DD1 tried so hard with the exchange girl (perfectly lovely, just silent) but it fell on deaf ears.

So shyness can be a problem for other people. I felt sorry for the girl, but I guess also for my own DD.

SingaSong12 · 13/07/2016 22:42

If she has an inkling or knows you have been talking to her mother about when she speaks it may make her shyness much worse. If she realises how irritated you are she may have decided that she make her best efforts to communicate with someone more sympathetic whether they are family or not.

marblestatue · 13/07/2016 22:42

Introverted people are often hypersensitive to other people's poorly concealed emotions...

I agree.

myownprivateidaho · 13/07/2016 22:43

Also all the op has said about trying to talk to the cousin is this - Times when I have tried to initiate a conversation, I just receive monosyllabic answers or a very brief answer at best.. Talk of the op pestering her constantly is not supported by what the op actually says. It sounds more like the op doesn't try to talk to her very often.

Wolpertinger · 13/07/2016 22:43

It actually sounds like she has selective mutism.

YABU - it's not all about you.

MintyChapstick · 13/07/2016 22:44

I'd rather a shy person than one of those loud, centre of attention, hog all the lime light 'look at me' gobshites any time.

Floggingmolly · 13/07/2016 22:47

She mightn't be shy at all, necessarily. Some people just don't do the open your mouth and let it all hang out thing, and find prattlers extremely tedious. Maybe she's one of them and you're one of those

Mislou · 13/07/2016 22:49

I kind of know what you mean.I used to be painfully shy, so remember how it felt when I encounter shy people. I sort of think by older adulthood you should have learnt a few skills to get through most situations . It is hard work when in conversation when you open up a little and share and try to connect and a really shy person gives nothing . It makes it hard to develop a relationship , so it usually just stops.

Lilacpink40 · 13/07/2016 22:49

Some people appear shy in an unconfident or just highly thoughtful way, others seem to show a range of feelings through body language that doesn't match quietness.

If OP is picking up negative body language it's understandable to feel irritated. Don't most people prefer an argument than dealing with passive agressivity?

Is this what you mean OP?

SooWrites · 13/07/2016 22:49

Why does your Aunt tell you that she talks at home? Do you all sit around and gossip about her shyness in front of her? People do this to me and it boils my piss. I'm not shy, as such. I just don't blabber on about meaningless tosh in order to pass time.

If I have something to say, I say it. If someone engages me in a conversation I find interesting I chat happily. If co-workers are discussing something interesting rather than who's shagging who and what the latest viral thing on Faceache is, I join in.

Perhaps she just doesn't find you all that interesting?

ghostspirit · 13/07/2016 22:51

im like that op i dont talk much at all. i listen and take everything in. and come to my own conclusions but never say them... im different if its one to one. but if a group thing i hardly talk.

FreyaB84 · 13/07/2016 22:53

I used to be like this when I was in my teens. It was crippling and it most certainly wasn't a choice. I would have given anything to be more outgoing and talkative.

I wanted to be able to speak up so badly but mentally, I was prevented from doing so. I'd be sitting in a group with all these things I wanted to say, but I would stay silent. I was so worried about what others would think of me. Would they laugh at me? Would they think I was stupid? What if they didn't hear me? I'd rehearse over and over what I wanted to say but by the time I was ready to say it, the conversation had moved on. And so the cycle continued...

I'm nowhere near as bad now though. I can still be a bit shy around people I don't know very well but I can hold a conversation and I no longer sit there awkwardly!

YouSay · 13/07/2016 22:56

Wise men say
Only fools rush in

Liiinoo · 13/07/2016 22:58

Selective mutism as someone has said, or some other form of MH issue such as overwhelming anxiety? Perhaps a fear of being judged?