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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find shy people irritating?

360 replies

BuntingForSummer · 13/07/2016 22:01

My younger cousin is very shy and quiet. She has been like this since as long as I have known her.

She hardly ever speaks. It's not just in social gatherings but even when it's just us with my aunt's family.

Times when I have tried to initiate a conversation, I just receive monosyllabic answers or a very brief answer at best. She just sort of sits there listening and watching everyone. It makes me feel very irritated. I mean I can understand being quiet and shy around strangers but we are family ffs! My aunt says she does speak at home but I literally have never seen her hold a conversation longer than a minute.

AIBU to feel irritated by her behaviour? I have never seen anything like it apart from a colleague at work who is also very very quiet but not to such a degree.

OP posts:
carbed · 14/07/2016 07:09

It's very frustrating reading through this thread to see so many posters do the whole 'i'm not shy, i just can't be arsed responding to your inane babble blah blah blah'!! As someone who has been extremely shy due to mental illness I can safely say many many of us don't feel this way at all - we want to involve ourselves in the conversation, we're interested in the conversation. And I knew that people thought I was rude and uninterested, in fact when I was a lot younger (early teens) a couple of times I apologised to whoever I was talking to if I was coming off as rude, "I'm a very shy person"...big mistake, just makes it awkward. Thankfully Smile, I'm not nearly so reserved anymore as I self-medicate.

carbed · 14/07/2016 07:10

Someone said something about their mum saying that self conscious people are thinking too much about themselves and not enough about others which I hate. It isn't a case of not thinking enough about others. It IS thinking too much about yourself but to imply that it's being narcissistic (which that phrase definitely does) is so thoughtless and offensive. Because it's not self absorption in the sense of "how can I turn this conversation back to me", it's thinking anything and everything you have to say is stupid or boring etc., along those lines. It comes from bad past experiences, nearly always a build up.

Theydontknowweknowtheyknow · 14/07/2016 07:16

Why is everyone being so mean to the OP?
She's just trying to make conversation and get to know her cousin and doesnt deserve to be told she a prattler or a gobshite. Hmm

Majormajormajor · 14/07/2016 07:22

Why is everyone being so mean to the OP?

This absolutely. Calling shy people irritating is such a kind thing to say, how dare people respond unkindly.

Majormajormajor · 14/07/2016 07:25

Do I win for most idiotic comment? Grin

SoupDragon · 14/07/2016 07:26

Why is everyone being so mean to the OP?

Because she is being just plain nasty and showing a complete lack of the empathy gene.

She's just trying to make conversation and get to know her cousin and doesnt deserve to be told she a prattler or a gobshite

She deserves to be called out on her attitude.

OP, get over yourself. Perhaps she doesn't want to get to know you.

SoupDragon · 14/07/2016 07:30

Anyway, I've reported the thread.

RageAgainstTheTagine · 14/07/2016 07:30

I think the op feels insulted that she isn't included in her nieces 'inner circle' of people she will talk to. Pressuring her will not make this happen op.

OneMillionScovilles · 14/07/2016 07:40

Some lovely, articulate and shy posters on here. If the thread's going to be pulled (Soup, what specifically dos you report it for?) - thanks to everyone who tried to lay out social anxiety / shyness in a way people can understand and hopefully have some compassion for in the future.

(The pictures made me smile - but aren't an accurate representation of what it's like to live with shyness/SA.)

OneMillionScovilles · 14/07/2016 07:40

Soup
*did
FMFatThumbs

Majormajormajor · 14/07/2016 07:48

AFAIAC, disliking someone because they don't fulfil your expectations of "how you think they ought to be" is as irrational as disliking "forriners" simply because you don't understand or respect a difference in culture.

I mean I can understand being quiet and shy around strangers but we are family ffs!

OP sees family to mean familiarity. But maybe OP's cousin feels like a stranger in the tribe. So not exactly helpful in making her feel accepted by not only pointing out, but projecting hostility and rejection of her personality.

I don't blame your cousin for building walls and shutting you out. Maybe it's her only method of defence from family members like you.

Timetogrowup2016 · 14/07/2016 07:49

Yabu

blitheringbuzzards1234 · 14/07/2016 08:03

Shy people are difficult to get to know, especially if they never open up. Maybe they only do so with a precious few they feel comfortable enough with to trust. Cheapandcheerful you ask how they make friends - the answer is that they don't - not easily anyway.
I understand your irritation a little. I'm shy and once went on a blind date with a chap who was even shyer. Getting a response in the conversation department was like trying to get blood out of a stone. The best advice I heard was to try to be ashamed of being the one who other people had to try to draw out. The confidence which comes with more experience in life can help improve shyness but it never goes away completely.

SoupDragon · 14/07/2016 08:13

what specifically dos you report it for

I just thought it was a odd to have such a goady debut on MN.

GerdaLovesLili · 14/07/2016 08:14

So, what do you have to talk about with her once you've said the standard greetings? Do you have anything in common apart from an accident of birth? Hobbies? Travel to similar destinations? A love of art/music? Or do you just keep talking at her about nothing just to fill the silence ?

Why should she keep talking just to make you comfortable?

myownprivateidaho · 14/07/2016 08:29

is Idaho a sockpuppet. Ok firstly why not at least check my user history before suggesting this. Longtime poster ( tho name changed about 3 months ago). I replied vehemently because I don't like threads where posters' sense of self righteousness makes them feel ok hurling abuse at the op.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 14/07/2016 08:34

I completely get what the OP means. Don't really understand all the abuse at all.

KERALA1 · 14/07/2016 08:37

YANBU

Agree if someone mentally unwell.

But IME there is a larger group who leave it to everyone else to keep the social wheels turning. My ILs for example. They are not shy they just don't speak. Which is their right of course but it then puts the onus on everyone else to keep the conversation going which is tough if you are getting little back. Or you all sit in silence which feels wrong when you are at a social event and you don't see them much.

But then my mother used to say "everybody is shy" and drummed it into us that it was not an option - you are obliged to muck in socially and not be self absorbed. OK in teens not so acceptable in adults.

Ilovetea82 · 14/07/2016 08:39

Yabu
Just because you are family doesn't mean there is any obligation on her to tell you every detail of her life or to be your best friend.
Perhaps she just feels like she has nothing in common with you so just doesn't know what to say. It's not being rude just that some people don't gel

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 14/07/2016 08:41

Perhaps she finds big mouthed people with too much to say 'irritating'.

Lostinmaui · 14/07/2016 08:44

you are obliged to muck in socially and not be self absorbed
Since when did shy equal being self absorbed? Hmm

Purplebluebird · 14/07/2016 08:47

I find loud people and vv shy people irritating. But I can be a bit shy too... Haha!

OneMillionScovilles · 14/07/2016 08:47

Soup Understood Smile

idaho - Apologies, twas late at night and to me (IMO only!) you came off a little goady. I tend to assess on the thread rather than AS people, although I'm aware others do that (eg Soup knowing this thread is a MN debut).

I don't think "hurling abuse" is fair in most cases - although I grant you, people have told the OP to grow some compassion and realise that not everyone is blessed with their confidence.

There are people I love deeply who could filibuster for 12 hours armed with not so much as a recipe book (looking at you, Mum!); there are people I love who are perpetual kitchen-or-corner-dwellers at parties. Neither set is more selfish, and as a PP pointed out, it's upsetting to hear the layter'slatter's shyness treated as a moral failing.

Once again, apologies for reading you as a SP.

OneMillionScovilles · 14/07/2016 08:48

*latter's - goddamn you autocorrect and fat thumbs!

CherryDrop24 · 14/07/2016 08:59

I am someone who has always struggled with shyness, including with family and I understand that this can be irrating to other people. My sister use to tell me I was ignorant or came across as thinking I was better than everyone else. This wasn't the case at all and I would hate myself for making other people feel that way. In some ways it pushed my more into myself as I didn't want to make people feel uncomfortable I would just avoid social situations completely. Family wise I have got better as I have gotten older (though having a huge family I still find social gatherings a bit uncomfortable) but I struggle daily at work/everyday life. I try my best, but as a pp said you get caught up in a cycle and you promise yourself next time you will do better. I hope that one day that is true, but until then....as hard as it is please be patient. Nobody wants to feel this way and most are aware of how their shyness makes others feel. And as selfish as it is we need to be able to sit back and listen and observe and hopefully take small steps to overcoming this....in ourvown time at our own pace

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