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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find shy people irritating?

360 replies

BuntingForSummer · 13/07/2016 22:01

My younger cousin is very shy and quiet. She has been like this since as long as I have known her.

She hardly ever speaks. It's not just in social gatherings but even when it's just us with my aunt's family.

Times when I have tried to initiate a conversation, I just receive monosyllabic answers or a very brief answer at best. She just sort of sits there listening and watching everyone. It makes me feel very irritated. I mean I can understand being quiet and shy around strangers but we are family ffs! My aunt says she does speak at home but I literally have never seen her hold a conversation longer than a minute.

AIBU to feel irritated by her behaviour? I have never seen anything like it apart from a colleague at work who is also very very quiet but not to such a degree.

OP posts:
tametempo · 13/07/2016 22:58

Yes OP, it's hard enough that many of us shy people live life
with very few friends,
having great ideas/ jokes etc that our shyness silences us from voicing aloud,
being overlooked at work for promotions as we simply don't communicate with colleagues at a sufficient level,
being made to feel like we're a bit 'odd' and an outcast by those colleagues,
but on top of all that why not let's add guilt because we're so selfish for not indulging cousin Bunting's (who's fully aware of our crippling shyness) incessant need to CHAT when she visits.

How shy people make friends? Well this shy person has an incredibly small friendship group consisting mainly of best friends from my school years and 1, yes 1!, friend I made at work years ago as she was just lovely and we clicked. She didn't hold it against me when she couldn't get much conversation out of me from time to time.

VioletVaccine · 13/07/2016 22:59

I find people who have the need to fill air irritating.

I find loud people completely irritating

I find gobshites far more irritating than shy people

Yet the OP is the only Unreasonable person for her thoughts?
Or is it fine to state you're irritated by those who talk too much, yet you're massively U if you think the same of those who speak 'too little'.

Genuine question.

rainchancer · 13/07/2016 23:02

I used to be shy round my grandmother.

fanniboz · 13/07/2016 23:02

Very frustrating for you I'm sure, but it's a hell of a lot worse for her OP. Biscuit

AgathaF · 13/07/2016 23:02

Are you a bitch to people with other forms of social anxiety too, or is it just your cousin.

Try to summon up a bit of empathy. She doesn't choose to be like that. On the other hand, you probably make her worse, with your judginess and impatience. She probably thinks you're vile.

VioletVaccine · 13/07/2016 23:03

I only ask because when I get massively anxious about meeting people, I kind of over compensate and talk quite a lot, partly out of nervous adrenaline, and partly because I don't want to be judged as aloof as well as other issues I have.

It's great to know that as well as my own issues with confidence and self doubt, other people find me an irritating, air filling gobshite.

Canyouforgiveher · 13/07/2016 23:04

I find some of the comments - including that meme about

"maybe I just don't give a fuck about what you are saying" and

Some people just don't do the open your mouth and let it all hang out thing, and find prattlers extremely tedious.

really offensive.

you know what. When I talk and someone says absolutely nothing to me in response I actually do get it -just as explained above. I presume he/she doesn't give a fuck about what I just said and I judge them accordingly (X doesn't give a fuck about my comment about the new prime minister and doesn't think it worthy of a response so I will not bother with him anymore because he thinks I am a prattling idiot he doesn't give a fuck about).

I have every sympathy with people who are cripplingly shy. But saying the problem is those who talk (prattlers rattling on about stuff you don't give a fuck about) isn't going to increase my sympathy or my likelihood (currently high) of figuring out safe/easy ways to draw someone shy into a conversation.

Lorelei76 · 13/07/2016 23:05

OP is it possible she hates those family gatherings and only shows up because she feels obliged to?

MissElizaBennettsBookmark · 13/07/2016 23:09

Sounds like she is an excellent judge of character.

I wouldn't talk to you either.

Justmuddlingalong · 13/07/2016 23:11

What age is she? Is she at that eye rolling, tutting, my family are sooooo embarrassing age?

SuckingEggs · 13/07/2016 23:13

You sound nice.

PortiaCastis · 13/07/2016 23:14

I wondered how many people there were in the world who suffered, and continued to suffer, because they could not break out from their own web of shyness and reserve, and in their blindness and folly built up a great distorted wall in front of them that hid the truth.”
― Daphne du Maurier, Rebecca

Wdigin2this · 13/07/2016 23:16

Of course there are people with social difficulties out there, and I can accept that it's difficult for the shy person? But I've known a few supposedly shy people, who only seem to manifest shyness when things aren't going their way! I often want to yell at them....ffs, it's not all about you!

tametempo · 13/07/2016 23:19

Widgin could you provide an example of people who 'turn shy' when things aren't going their way? Sounds bizarre.
Although, they're obviously not genuinely shy people.

blueeyedpea · 13/07/2016 23:19

I she is very shy or suffering with social anxiety she may have made huge efforts to be in the room at all! She may be feeling under pressure to speak and join in, I think you should continue to include her but also let her join in at her own comfort level.

MoonfaceAndSilky · 13/07/2016 23:20

YABU

To find shy people irritating?
ghostspirit · 13/07/2016 23:21

tempo 100% get what you are saying. well said

lukasgrahamfan · 13/07/2016 23:26

I am cautious, in company I am quiet, I do not seek attention, I listen, I think, I'm an introvert an I'm shy. You really don't want to know the reason why I am all of the above...

I avoid all loud, over bearing, over confident, judgemental and superior people....not good to be around. A couple of people in my family are toxic and I do not see them....I had to when I was younger, now I say no.

YABU. There are reasons people are as they are, please look deeper and accept others. They may be happy as they are, or not....in which case they can sort themselves out if and when they are ready. Not according to your timetable, or to be what you decide you want them to be.

SarahAnderson · 13/07/2016 23:26

OP you are getting a lot of undeserved abuse on this thread. You don't sound horrible at all, you sound perfectly normal and I totally understand your irritation. It is hard when you are trying and it doesn't seem like the other person is trying at all. Very unfair that you are being seen as the selfish one here!

VestalVirgin · 13/07/2016 23:36

As a relatively shy person, I admit that trying to talk to very shy persons makes me uncomfortable, as I don't like carrying a conversation in the first place, and having to do all the work is even worse.

However. You don't have to. There's no law that you have to talk to someone just because they're family.

If you are that invested in talking to her, perhaps ask her relatives what topics she considers interesting.

I'm usually shy, but if you ask me about my favourite books, you will get me talking. You may not be interested in what I tell you, but well, talking takes place.

Italiangreyhound · 13/07/2016 23:46

I agree with tametempo.

Bunting can you put yourself in her shoes and imagine not being able to talk or make chit chat? Perhaps wanting to, but just not being able to?

Canyouforgiveher · 13/07/2016 23:51

I'm really baffled by this thread.

OP is a bitch because her niece and all other shy people suffer from a crippling and horrible anxiety and she needs to be more sympathetic to it

But at the same time

Op is a prattling warbler who goes on and on about stuff the niece doesn't give a fuck about and that is why she doesn't talk to her.

For myself, I presume people who don't participate in conversation are shy and find it difficult to talk. i find this irritating quite honestly - just like I find other perfectly normal things irritating. But I recognise that they can't help it so react accordingly by being sympathetic, kind, not imposing, keeping them in the group even if they are not talking, trying to find common ground etc.

But now I am being told by loads of you that they actually aren't participating in conversation because they find me a boring prattling fucker. In which case I would ignore and blank them.

Which is it?

Slingcrump · 13/07/2016 23:59

Well my late ma used to say, "being self-conscious literally means that you are thinking too much about yourself and not enough about others"

And I have to say I think there is a bit of truth in that. Although, obviously, if you have mh issues such as crippling social anxiety, or are a very shy teenager, it is totally understandable that you find social situations overwhelming.

As an introvert myself though, it was drummed in to me that it was good manners to make an effort and "earn one's supper" so to speak and try to put others at ease.

Ifonlylovewouldsavetheday · 14/07/2016 00:01

Floggingmolly - spot on 😀

MeLittleDuckie · 14/07/2016 00:07

Great point Violet. I'm both an introvert and shy until I get to know people, but I'm only irritated by wittering/air filling if I don't really like the person anyway and it really depends upon what you're filling the air with. E.g. there's a woman at work who's always stealth boasting about how great she is at this, that and the other, constantly going on. I avoid her. There's a few people who blabber on but I'll happily listen to them because they're nice/friendly/funny. You sound like quite an intelligent person so probably blabber interesting stuff and therefore probably don't have to worry too much.