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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find shy people irritating?

360 replies

BuntingForSummer · 13/07/2016 22:01

My younger cousin is very shy and quiet. She has been like this since as long as I have known her.

She hardly ever speaks. It's not just in social gatherings but even when it's just us with my aunt's family.

Times when I have tried to initiate a conversation, I just receive monosyllabic answers or a very brief answer at best. She just sort of sits there listening and watching everyone. It makes me feel very irritated. I mean I can understand being quiet and shy around strangers but we are family ffs! My aunt says she does speak at home but I literally have never seen her hold a conversation longer than a minute.

AIBU to feel irritated by her behaviour? I have never seen anything like it apart from a colleague at work who is also very very quiet but not to such a degree.

OP posts:
Balletblue · 15/07/2016 18:18

I'm not shy but I am not very good at socialising in a group- I can chat with someone one to one but in a group situation I just don't know how to cope. I find that it is much more fun to go with a group of friends to the theatre or cinema where we are being entertained. I imagine that shy people might find that easier too.

LesserofTwoWeevils · 15/07/2016 18:33

YABVVVVU.

Being shy is hell on earth and no one does it deliberately.

What difference does "being family" make? Clearly it doesn't mean you like her, so why should it make her any less unconfident around you?

On the contrary, she probably knows you don't like her and that makes it even harder to get over the fear.

Your attitude is like saying you're irritated by people who are scared of flying, or needles. They can't help it and it makes their lives harder. That doesn't mean they can just stop it at will. Especially with other people being impatient and making no effort to understand or empathise.

Overshoulderbolderholder · 15/07/2016 18:34

Just show her some kindness and, above all, acceptance. Love her for who she is, don't over try to be sunny and chatty (and slightly irritated) it won't help! Don't overpower with your overt social skills maybe! Hmm

Elsa3boys · 15/07/2016 18:46

I find most people irritating, shy or otherwise! Grin

kaitlinktm · 15/07/2016 18:46

I used to be one of those prattling gobshites - but I realised I talked too much, especially in one particular social situation where there would be (what felt to me like) awkward silences, so I filled them with twaddle - or whatever. However, after a very barbed remark by one the others present I realised they thought I was talking too much, so I made a resolution not to.

Now I am much much quieter and leave space for others to talk. In this particular social situation they don't always and there are silences and yes, they are awkward sometimes, but hey - that isn't my fault and it's not my responsibility.

I have noticed now that some of the others appear to be racking their brains for stuff to talk about and I don't have to carry the conversation on my own any more. It has been very liberating and is much less stressful. I can recommend it to fellow gobshites.

Thingamajiggy · 15/07/2016 19:03

I'm not shy at all but some people MAKE me shy. It's like some people steal your energy somehow. Maybe you make her feel shy. Sh's probably pretty perceptive and picks up on your irritation. Just try to be a kinder person.

ChicagoBull · 15/07/2016 19:05

She probably senses your dislike of her.
When that happens to me I avoid that person like the plague and feel extremely anxious in their company

ChicagoBull · 15/07/2016 19:08

When I was about 25 I realised I was introverted and that really helped me to accept myself and therefore relax

Greenyogagirl · 15/07/2016 19:34

Take the hint, she obviously doesn't want to talk to you and isn't interested in what you're saying! You hardly seem friendly which probably makes her feel more anxious! Just say hello and goodbye and leave her alone!

dowhatnow · 15/07/2016 20:28

I agree that it is hard work having to cast around in your mind for things to keep a conversation going. it's much more fun when a conversation flows naturally.
It's a shame for her.

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 15/07/2016 20:39

she obviously doesn't want to talk to you and isn't interested in what you're saying!

And that would be okay would it? to just not talk to people you don't want to at a family gathering?

anyway it's not what's happening in the OP, OP said the cousin is the same with others not just her

NemosMum21 · 15/07/2016 20:42

Bunting, YABU! Your young cousin has simply inherited a different variation in the gene that codes for the D4DR dopamine receptor. She has fewer repeats of one particular sequence than you. Would you find the colour of her eyes irritating?

KERALA1 · 15/07/2016 20:42

It's a shame though - there's a mum at the school gates, never talks to anyone, just glares and stands apart on her phone.

Saw her at an event I went to recently (talk by a leading feminist). We were both on our own. Her little boy is gorgeous and great friends with Dd. I would like to get to know her but her body language is so "fuck off" I darent approach. How do shy adults make friends?

Mycraneisfixed · 15/07/2016 21:01

The few shy people I know are happy to be left alone or just listen on the periphery of a group. Say hello and then leave the poor woman alone.

MrsLion · 15/07/2016 21:06

"My DD is the most important person in my world. It has been my mission that she becomes nothing like me! Nearly every day of the week I'm suffering a wider ranger of activities for her part.

Kate I think your mum was more that just introverted, the things she said/did to you were at very least unkind and bordering on nasty"

^This exactly!^

I got myself through shyness because I knew I had to, otherwise I knew it would affect my friends, my career, my marriage. This did involve specific counselling at one stage. Incidentally my mum had an anxiety disorder which I don't think helped at all.

Now as an introverted but generally confident and sociable adult I have an outgoing DH, one shy DC just like I was. The other two DC are very outgoing which I am delighted about and encourage as much as possible.

Luckily the shy one is surrounded by friends and family who understand her, love her for who she is and don't find her irritating. Or if they do they keep it very much to themselves. Her shyness is accepted, not talked about, not a big deal. They don't push her to talk more than she feels comfortable and are confident enough in themselves that they don't need a huge amount of feedback from her in order to feel good about themselves.

She goes to a great school that has built her confidence enormously and she is gradually getting more outgoing and is miles ahead of where I was at the same age. She will always be 'quiet' rather than a 'life and soul of the party' type person. But that's ok.

I managed to do very well at school, university and in my career, but I often wonder just how high and far I would've gone if I hadn't been crippled with this horrendous affliction for over half my life.

KERALA1 · 15/07/2016 21:12

I will leave her well alone - I have lots of friends. Just wonder about those posts from shy people about the school gates being so unfriendly - if you act like this this is why.

Marysunshine · 15/07/2016 21:16

Words fail me ( and your cousin .....maybe for the same reason?)

Need2looseastone · 15/07/2016 21:22

This thread has been helpful to me, I had selective mutism badly as a child and crippling shyness. I have never had any professional help to overcome it.
Realised getting drunk made me a bit more talkative so relied on this a bit too much to make friends and interact with people.
Can't tell you how many fresh starts I've had in life and how many different places I've lived jobs I've done and potential friends I've met. I just love that initial newness when people treat me normally and include me. I am new so allowed to be shy it only lasts about a week tho. I've done bar work etc to help me become more outgoing but have ended up in abusive relationships, took too many illegal drugs and was in a cult for a while. It helps to see it from another perspective this has held me back in every area of my life. I don't want to be like this, locked in.
Wherever I go I take it with me but ever the optimist think next time it will be different.
Am now 42 and it's a bit better than it was but still causes me a lot of problems I am much happier avoiding social situations now.

GrandMarmoset · 15/07/2016 21:36

You may think I'm a monster, but I think it starts very young and is reinforced by parents who see there children refusing to respond and excuse them by saying, "He's/ She's shy." After the age of five, I think it is essential to teach children to make eye contact and respond appropriately. It may be hard at first and require some role play, but it is possible. I was a teacher for many years at a school where, right from reception, children are expected to shake hands, while making eye contact and saying good morning etc. They are also taught how to answer the question, " How are you? " by answering with a response and an enquiry after the askers well-being. This may seem ott, but if you are able to do this at four, it is an important life skill and boosts confidence. I have yet to come across a child who cannot do this. We also do role play for introductions etc and they are very capable of this too. If your child is shy, it is so helpful to practice these things with them and it really helps with their social confidence. I suspect OT's aunt may have continued to excuse the behavior and now it has carried over into adulthood and, yes, as you may have guessed, I find this irritating too.

ChicagoBull · 15/07/2016 21:39

I know what you mean Grand but my extrovert mother was always pushing me to talk ! Shake hands with her friends & she got really pissed off when I didn't 'perform' which made me retreat into my shell even more & I became mute for a while

eightbluebirds · 15/07/2016 21:49

Yabu. I was like this. I had social anxiety. Thankfully I seem to be "growing" out of it, but it was awful and isolating for me. If it makes a difference, nothing that anybody could have said to me would make a difference. I couldn't have changed had I tried.

ChicagoBull · 15/07/2016 21:51

Has anyone ever taken medication for social anxiety?

MrsLion · 15/07/2016 21:59

Needtoloseastone
Flowers

It's never to late to get to make friends and get help. 42 is young.

MrsLion · 15/07/2016 22:01

Grandmarmoset

I practice some of these things with my daughter. And they also encourage appropriate social interaction at school.

wizzywig · 15/07/2016 22:04

Would those who have social anxiety and feel uncomfortable with conversations prefer not to be invited out?