To find shy people irritating?

[BuntingForSummer]

My younger cousin is very shy and quiet. She has been like this since as long as I have known her.

She hardly ever speaks. It's not just in social gatherings but even when it's just us with my aunt's family.

Times when I have tried to initiate a conversation, I just receive monosyllabic answers or a very brief answer at best. She just sort of sits there listening and watching everyone. It makes me feel very irritated. I mean I can understand being quiet and shy around strangers but we are family ffs! My aunt says she does speak at home but I literally have never seen her hold a conversation longer than a minute.

AIBU to feel irritated by her behaviour? I have never seen anything like it apart from a colleague at work who is also very very quiet but not to such a degree.

Well Kate in Korea, maybe because the OP hasn't given any indication that the cousin is being rude; because other family members talk about her shyness; because as OP has recently posted, she thinks she could be so incapacitated she can't continue with her chosen profession.

Social anxiety is a spectrum, so it's easier for some people to overcome it than others. If people have suffered shyness themselves, you would think they would have a bit more empathy than to imply that because they have overcome it, so should everyone else.

Not sure why you're so invested in this. Why do shy people annoy you so much. There are so many advantages to being outgoing: better chances of getting a job; enhanced ability to make friends; the confidence of knowing you are more likely to be accepted in social situations. If you can't have empathy for shy people, could you at least stop being so angry with them, many have enough to put up with.

Also because when someone points out how 'irritating' it is, you don't necessarily get a very good feeling about how empathetic they might be! A lot of chattier people might be fine, but people get defensive when called irritating, and so are more likely to conclude unpleasant things about the OP (which might be unjustified!). But I don't think it means that most shy people are going around being choosy about whether someone is worthy of talking to.

There might also be a general difference of opinion on just how much social interaction needs to take place - all this 'grunt work' etc that people feel has to happen. Sometimes, people don't actually mind not talking, or not having lots of conversation going on that everyone is involved in. Yes, there can be awkward moments, and I think we're all grateful for people to make an effort then - and as a very shy person, sometimes I do really force myself to do it, however stressful it is, as the awkwardness also bothers me - but quite often, people feel that there should be conversation that everyone is involved in, even in situations where actually some people are quite happy just listening or just appreciating the atmosphere or the food or music or whatever.

Yes, shyness stopped me in my career. I have spend years getting over it - and I've learned to hide it to a large extent, and to force myself to do a lot of things that I didn't used to be able to. It doesn't mean that it has entirely gone away - in fact, by forcing myself to do things and hiding the shyness, I've developed panic attacks. I can go for so long looking normal and outgoing but feeling awful inside, and then suddenly something tips the balance, and it all comes out in a panic attack, and everyone is even more surprised because they weren't expecting it. And it draws more attention to me in a way that I hate. So don't assume a shy person isn't working hugely hard on it, and struggling a lot, even if sometimes they appear OK. It might be light years ahead of where they have come from.

Plus it takes huge amounts of practice, with the tiniest little steps. And when you are terrified of practising, of the people you have to meet, of the situations where you are almost always going to be out of your depth, it makes it hard. You don't want to go, clearly your relatives find you irritating, and feel that you shouldn't be there unless you are contributing more, so it can be hard to get much better at things!

I do get the irritation to some degree though; I think that when someone is too shy even for basic manners such as please and thank you and 'and you?' etc it does come across as rude, and when it's constant, it's easy to feel offended by that. I know someone like this, and I still don't know how much of it is shyness or rudeness, and I find myself really having to clamp down on my irritation and remind myself that there might be reasons for it.

I also know that I can appear rude or arrogant, and I really try to overcome it so that I don't, and work on the listening skills side of things so that even when I don't want to talk, I try to seem interesting and kind, because I don't want to come across as rude.

I do find it frustrating if people don't work at overcoming shyness enough to do the basic things of life - answer a phone/door, reply if spoken to and if at a social occasion say hi, how are you etc to familiar people. I hate social gatherings and find them beyond stressful and anxiety provoking but I make myself fake it and try hard to smile, engage with people and not make other people miserable/uncomfy or appear rude etc. My mum had general anxiety to the extent she didn't let me have the routine surgery I needed to attend school regularly and have a healthier childhood. Some things need challenging and addressing if they impact not only yourself but those around you. Shyness/social anxiety is horrible but can in a lot of cases be improved

Can I just ask, those of you who have/ had social anxiety, at what point did you realise this was a problem more than just being shy and did you get any help from counselling etc?

It just makes me wonder for my cousin as she has been like this from as long as I can remember, that my aunt and uncle didn't get any help for for her or indeed seek help herself.

Her family and other extended family have made jokes / comments about her quietness in front of her which I have found awkward on her behalf as she just sits there and takes it.

I know that feeling well.

OP your cousin sounds like me.

I was labelled shy at school and beyond. I was always awkward around people and family.

Despite being very bright I underachieved in education.

I have suffered from chronic anxiety, self harm, terrible self esteem and depression all my adult life.

At 46 I found what was ''wrong'' with me when I was diagnosed with Aspergers.

I had previously been diagnosed with social anxiety and as a child called shy.

Please cut your cousin some slack, you have no idea what she is going through.

Okay Kate, I can see why you feel the way you do. I also feel uncomfortable about some of the comments on here. I don't think I've said anything inflammatory, at least I hope not. I have had the opposite experience, with a mother that didn't like me much because I wasn't extrovert and popular like her. It's shit and shouldn't happen to anyone.

But surely we should be trying to be understanding and kind to each other. I have some lovely extrovert friends that I don't see so often because it is harder for me to keep up with their social levels, but I love them dearly. I also have some quieter friends, that I can be quieter with.

Most of the time I can pass as being averagely outgoing, but when I'm tired I sometimes do find it impossible to make conversation. Words just don't come into my head. So I can understand what it's like to feel like that all the time. I'm not saying social anxious people shouldn't make any attempt to work on their anxiety over time - just that in certain situations, just willing yourself to speak just doesn't work.

By the way OP, thank you for taking on board some of the more measured responses. It does seem a shame that she hasn't had any help with her anxiety. I have a shy relative and his parents have gradually encouraged him over time with getting involved with hobbies, where he meets others, and encouraging him to chat a little bit about his day, every day, in a relaxed way. He may never be the life and soul but he is now much more socially confident and has a lovely circle of friends

Kate I was all prepared to get a bit haughty with you but having read your latest post I can really sympathise with your strength of feeling on the subject.

My dh isn't as deeply averse to contact with others as your mother sounds but it's certainly true that my kids' leisure and social life would suffer if I wasn't here to facilitate it. While I hold an intrinsic understanding as to why he is the way he is, I wouldn't say I'm especially outwardly sympathetic to him about it. My approach is to expect him to take responsibility as an adult and parent, effectively forcing his hand. Over the years he has unclenched somewhat and will be found suffering a much wider range of social activities.

Your mum was selfish. Whether she was able to manage her anxiety or not, the outcome was that her anxiety took precedence over your wellbeing and therefore could not be considered anything but selfish. I'm sorry it was so shit for you. x

OP I think your cousin may have developed Learned helplessness

''Learned helplessness is behavior typical of an organism (human or animal) that has endured repeated painful or otherwise aversive stimuli which it was unable to escape or avoid. After such experience, the organism often fails to learn escape or avoidance in new situations where such behavior would be effective. In other words, the organism seems to have learned that it is helpless in aversive situations, that it has lost control, and so it gives up trying.''

Please substitute person for organism, the above is a direct quote.

''Those who are extremely shy or anxious in social situations may become passive due to feelings of helplessness. Gotlib and Beatty (1985) found that people who cite helplessness in social settings may be viewed poorly by others, which tends to reinforce the passivity.''

I was just like that as child/teen, fine with my friends but unnaturally quiet and shy around my family and at school - unsurprising really given that I was bullied by my step father and by the monsters at secondary school.

Fear of being judged was a big part of me staying silent, remaining under the radar was safer. I'd have been mortified to think that my mere presence was irritating

will be found suffering a much wider range of social activities

lol I can relate to that! My DD is the most important person in my world. It has been my mission that she becomes nothing like me! Nearly every day of the week I'm suffering a wider ranger of activities for her part.

Kate I think your mum was more that just introverted, the things she said/did to you were at very least unkind and bordering on nasty.

I am introverted because I have Aspergers but I push myself everyday to give my extroverted DD what she needs. IMO your mum was selfish not to do so. :(

I knew it was a problem from about age 6. I didn't get help at home because they felt that pushing me into things would be the way forward. To me, that was more terrifying than anything, because it meant I didn't ever have anyone on my side, who I could just be afraid in front of. I was constantly having to pretend to be someone else, to try to look like I wasn't scared, just enough that I wouldn't then get pushed more. It was a constant stress. And so I worked on it myself; it was much easier away from family. I doubt anyone really knew how hard it was or what I was trying, as the steps were so small. A lot of it was internal work, too, trying to make myself into what I thought was a better person who would be worth more, who'd have something to say, etc. Then later, it was work on convincing myself that actually I was still an OK person even if I was shy, after years of internalising the messages that it was shameful. All of that was needed alongside the actual getting better at social skills - and even that incorporated a lot of watching, listening, trying out teeny tiny steps and learning not to panic over it for weeks afterwards. I'm sure nobody would have said that it seemed like I was working on it, but I was. Even just facing it at all and acknowledging it to myself as an issue was huge. And now, people sometimes still tell me that I should consider seeking help, as if I hadn't spend 40 some years working on it, improving to an unrecognisable extent. They have no idea how far I've come, because they only see the bits where I still can't do something - like a relationship for example. They think it is so simple to solve, that a few sessions with a psychologist would sort it out. Not at all. It is so much wider of an issue than that, and shyness is the tip of it, that it is much more difficult to solve that people think. So it could be that your cousin is working on it even when it's not obvious to you. It could be that she's working up the courage to work on it. It could be that she's tried all sorts of things that you don't know about. It could be that when she's away from her family, she is making the first tentative steps. Or she might not be - but it's really hard to tell from the outside.

If one of my kids in their 20s was too scared to speak in social situations and had dropped out of college due to social anxiety I would be encouraging them to seek help for it. It is unlikely to go away on its own and part of parenting is encouraging your child to be independent. If she has social anxiety or autism it needs to be diagnosed and helped. That doesn't mean there is much you can do about it though except maybe ask your parent who is the sibling of your cousin's parents to maybe have a word.

Very eloquent post, Crochet

Havent read the whole thread but OP would you find it easier if shy/ very quiet/ dont like you/ dont want to talk to you kind of people just stayed away from you?

No you certainly are not BU! I have a much younger half sister exactly as you describe. Wouldn't ever talk to me when I went round my mums. I don't think it was shyness in the end, it would have just seemed odd for her to suddenly start talking. Anyway I've given up on her completely tbh. She moved away with her bf, I never got an invite to her new place or even told (by her) that she was going. I have a 16 month old boy who she has never seen, not even once despite visiting her mum a few streets away. She unfriended both my girls on fb when we ignored her Bd, this was after a year of NC and she'd ignored my daughters 18th the month before! There was a few cryptic passive aggressive status on social media etc along the line of 'who needs family anyway' and swearing at my 12 year old calling her a 'f ing spoilt brat', it makes you wonder what these weird quiet types are thinking?!

You do sound quite mean and judgemental to be honest, do you generally have problems accepting people the way they are? She's not hurting anyone and just being herself, I applaud her for not putting on a show of being something she's not just to please others.

auti that is interesting. My mother once told me I was the happiest, most outgoing child she had ever seen. I became more and more awkward though - always the clumsy one and never had an ease in social situations - but a devastating bereavement in my teens seemed to pull the rug out from under me and although most people would not say they thought me shy (and my work demands I not present as shy) I do feel at times almost crippling shyness and anxiety. Like Crotchet I have worked really really hard, but it is exhausting and demoralising.

If I'm Honest..... I couldn't Agree with you more. I have a family member who is Exactly the same...... And She irritates me .
eg, I Ask Would you like a cup of tea? Reply Shake of head!!!!..... Then Nothing
Me-"what have you been Up to Today?"
Reply- Shrug
😤

Bloody hell you're nice aren't you

myownprivateidaho
There is nothing selfish at being shy. For some shy people talking to people is a panic inducing nightmare. I know from my experience as a painfully shy child, monosyllabic answers are not intentional, I just couldn't think of any think to say. The more I tried to think of something, the less I said. You and the OP are bothere BU.

I loved all the Answers here, i couldnt believe when I read this post, how can you find someone shy irritating, if you don't like just back off
I have a very shy cousin and she hardly talks to anyone and I love her so much, you should respect people how they are and not expect people to be the way you think is best for you