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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find shy people irritating?

360 replies

BuntingForSummer · 13/07/2016 22:01

My younger cousin is very shy and quiet. She has been like this since as long as I have known her.

She hardly ever speaks. It's not just in social gatherings but even when it's just us with my aunt's family.

Times when I have tried to initiate a conversation, I just receive monosyllabic answers or a very brief answer at best. She just sort of sits there listening and watching everyone. It makes me feel very irritated. I mean I can understand being quiet and shy around strangers but we are family ffs! My aunt says she does speak at home but I literally have never seen her hold a conversation longer than a minute.

AIBU to feel irritated by her behaviour? I have never seen anything like it apart from a colleague at work who is also very very quiet but not to such a degree.

OP posts:

Justaskingnottelling · 14/07/2016 12:32

I'm not sure if it's fair to say people with social anxiety are not trying hard enough, any more than it's fair to say all chatty people are gobshites.

While we all may feel shy at times, for some people, it's crippling. Sometimes it's the effort the person is trying to make that exacerbates it, like a flight or freeze impulse the mind just goes blank. The person may love to help on the conversation but just can't, literally. The most helpful response is to be accepting, not pressing for conversation but not excluding.

Surely both chatty and quieter people have something to offer?

RhodaBull · 14/07/2016 12:35

Oh dear, I'm in that situation when you think an AIBU is about you .

Dd is that cousin who is shy and quiet. She is naturally quiet anyway, but when in a social situation she freezes and has a sulky closed expression. We see her cousins rarely, but when we do they never speak to her save for, "How's school?" and then that's that. I don't expect people to make a huge effort, why should they - I know dd is hard work and is very difficult to converse with - but she isn't being silent to annoy them.

Shyness is terrible. Crippling, really. I present a jolly facade to cover up my inadequacies, but remember well when I was younger that feeling of the blood pounding in your ears when you speak out loud and then of course the self-fulfilling stammering and stuttering and all round appearing like a boring idiot.

roundaboutthetown · 14/07/2016 12:37

Just think of it as being like a rabbit caught in the headlights. Nothing wrong with the lovely, big, shiny car and its magnificent lights, but from the rabbit's perspective, it's terrifying, mesmerising and about to crush them to death...

PortiaFinis · 14/07/2016 12:37

I agree OP.

I used to be chronically shy and still do get full flushes and stuff sometimes. My mother told me I was being selfish and that everyone should try and keep conversation going and express interest in what people say - making people feel awkward or boring is what shy people do when they answer in monosyllables. Few people are full of over flowing self-confidence and sometimes you have to fake it until you make it.

I don't mean this to refer to crippling social anxiety or anything like that and it's a long old haul to learn but yes, most of the time I think it is of benefit to everyone if shy people try and forget their shyness and come out of their shell.

PortiaFinis · 14/07/2016 12:39

I know that it is far, far, far easier said then done and I feel nothing but sympathy for shy people - it's horrible - but that doesn't mean that it shouldn't be battled against if possible.

Slingcrump · 14/07/2016 12:58

carbed personally I am not sure responding is monosyllables is particularly polite but if that is all a person can genuinely manage then fair enough.

But how can you be sure that the person who is trying to be friendly does not suffer from shyness themselves (and they are just covering it up well)? If they receive a response that is monosyllabic or that appears to be off-hand, they may well start doubting themselves.

Rhaegal · 14/07/2016 12:58

Because although I do agree with that there's obviously another level of shyness which is what is being discussed. OP's cousin is clearly on another level. It's extremely unfair to call these people irritating because it is always crippling to some degree and NO WAY the same as regular shyness lots of people experience. Posters bringing up their own experience as if every situation is the same... baffling and pointless.

I think many of us have suggested this isn't just shyness.

I then used my personal experience - in my case considerable shyness that did at times stop me from doing things - to back that idea up and to suggest normal shyness can improve with age and experience.

There is also the possibility it isn't shyness - it could well be a protest at having to interact with OP. I've certainly experienced people giving monosyllabic answers as way of not having to interact with me then being completely different when a stranger or someone they want something from walks into the room.

2016Hopeful · 14/07/2016 12:58

If she speaks normally at home then she must find you intimidating for some reason. Maybe she is intimidated by you or feels your impatience.

I used to be extremely shy when I was younger (I was also extremely unhappy at boarding school so that didn't help). Some situations and people just set it off. I could be fine with close friends and family but anyone I felt was really confident and loud or in authority just seemed to make me freeze. I majorly lacked confidence and felt so boring when I was quiet but I literally couldn't think of anything interesting to say.

I can't seem to stop talking now and will talk to anyone so I must've grown out of it. Though I still hate public speaking!!!

roundaboutthetown · 14/07/2016 13:01

Yes, but it might feel easier to battle it away from judgemental extended family members who talk about your problem amongst themselves. This poor cousin has a double whammy of a problem - social anxiety and cousins who find her irritating. If I were her, I think I would be testing my mettle elsewhere, first. The cousin relationship is a weird one, anyway - people always seem to feel they ought to get on really well with cousins and have lots in common, but I don't actually know many people who have a close relationship with their cousins. More often, sibling rivalry, dislike of spouses, different lives, etc, results in quite an uncomfortable relationship.

Slingcrump · 14/07/2016 13:02

RhodaBull couldn't agree more about shy teens and family who just ask "how's school?" I have a 12 yr old dd who sometimes "goes in to herself" when she is unsure about a situation and she can sometimes erroneously give the impression of coldness. I also have sympathy for the relative who is trying to engage though. One of my sisters constantly asks dd "how is school?" because she is a bit unsure herself and is rarely around children and teenagers and doesn't really know what else to ask! At least she is trying to be friendly though and I think that deserves acknowledgement.

roundaboutthetown · 14/07/2016 13:03

Competitive parents making negative comments about siblings' children, etc...

Meemolly · 14/07/2016 13:03

OP, maybe you need to step back and look at why you find it so offensive why this has riled you so much. She is who she is, let her deal with that, but perhaps you could question yourself on why someone's character makes you so angry. If you don't want to talk to her, don't talk, or keep it at a minimum, but if there is more than that, which the fact that you have posted here at all says to me there is, then maybe you need to look at why you find it so hard to be around her. What is actually, actually wrong with being quiet? Isn't there something still to be said for diversity? She's given you something to post on mumsnet about, if nothing else.

CalmItKermitt · 14/07/2016 13:04

You might find she's more at ease, and therefore chattier with nicer people.

roundaboutthetown · 14/07/2016 13:04

"How is school?" Is a very closed question, though, isn't it? It's hardly surprising if all you can think to say to that is, "OK."

CalmItKermitt · 14/07/2016 13:07

As a painfully shy person myself I'm always more relaxed with pleasant and interesting people. Perhaps as well as being unkind you're a bit dull? Just a thought.

lyraj · 14/07/2016 13:18

If some has a mental illness of course it would be totally unreasonable to feel irritated that they don't pull their weight. If they just can't be arsed and leave everyone else to make conversation in social settings then yes I would feel differently about that.

But how would you know the difference? You wouldn't. They don't wear a badge with reasons for their apparent 'shyness'

ZaZathecat · 14/07/2016 13:18

Like Rhodabull and Slingcrump I have a dd like this. She suffers from lots of anxieties and cannot think of a thing to say in company. She is however one of the kindest, most intelligent and empathetic people I have ever known. I'm aware that many people will see her as stand-offish/monosyllabic/boring and it hurts. I hope one day she'll feel more comfortable in her own skin.

joeythenutter · 14/07/2016 13:23

Another extremely quiet/shy one here. I would say speak and leave her be. I am only comfortable talking to people aslong as Ive known them for a while. I cannot believe some of you saying it is rude and selfish. I think unless you have ever suffered from shyness yourself you are not going to understand how hard life can be. I know lots of people find me strange, one of my OH's friends told hime he found me 'odd'. His reply 'she is a fantastic person if you no her well'. OP just leave this person be and accept she would rather not talk to you.

lalalalyra · 14/07/2016 13:26

I can understand in social situations with strangers etc but I am family. Thats why I am struggling to understand. Yes I would say she is an introvert but I am too! It doesn't mean I don't talk to anyone !

I'm shy. When I was a teenager cripplingly so. Coupled with a huge dose of zero self-confidence it was a nightmare.

Talking to family was worse. Talking to strangers was horrible and awful and I avoided it if I could, but I could always keep at the back of my mind that at least I was never going to see them again. Whereas with family you knew you were going to see them again so if I said the wrong thing or offended someone then it'd be remembered.

It's also very hard to get out of the box your family puts you in. I was the "quiet one" and even on days where I'd tried really, really hard to join in there was still comments about the quietness. I'd go to family things having given myself a good talking too and be full of determination to jion in, be better this time, then I'd get there and someone would ask me a question and I could see the look on their face, waiting for a one word answer so they could roll their eyes at me and go off muttering about when I was going to grow out of it and all the strength I'd built would be gone.

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 14/07/2016 13:26

Perhaps as well as being unkind you're a bit dull?

Oh the irony!

CalmItKermitt · 14/07/2016 13:38

HandsomeGroom - yeah yeah I know. But honestly 😏

Being shy sucks. Even worse if you get even an inkling that the person you're talking to is finding you irritating. And you can bet your bottom dollar that the shy person gets that inkling because they're generally pretty perceptive, spending as they do more time listening and observing than talking.

KERALA1 · 14/07/2016 13:39

God I wish I could ignore all the people I found abit dull! Sadly its socially unacceptable. And quite different to being shy. Or is it?!

CalmItKermitt · 14/07/2016 13:41

Well the OP says this girl is shy in other situations so I'm guessing she knows best.

witsender · 14/07/2016 14:01

I'm quite shy, and introverted. I'm also quite rude though, in the respect that I don't like many people and will happily avoid small talk.

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 14/07/2016 14:05

Oi, I thought we were having a bunfight Calm