To find shy people irritating?

[BuntingForSummer]

My younger cousin is very shy and quiet. She has been like this since as long as I have known her.

She hardly ever speaks. It's not just in social gatherings but even when it's just us with my aunt's family.

Times when I have tried to initiate a conversation, I just receive monosyllabic answers or a very brief answer at best. She just sort of sits there listening and watching everyone. It makes me feel very irritated. I mean I can understand being quiet and shy around strangers but we are family ffs! My aunt says she does speak at home but I literally have never seen her hold a conversation longer than a minute.

AIBU to feel irritated by her behaviour? I have never seen anything like it apart from a colleague at work who is also very very quiet but not to such a degree.

I'm too shy 😌

It's awful. The shyer you feel the more awkward and stilted and self conscious you appear. And then you feel even more shy because you know how you're coming across.

I've had times when I've been introduced to someone and spent the following week cringing about the way I sounded when I said "Hello" 🙄

Witsender- see I tell myself I don't like most people but I do, really. I know I can come across as rude when I'm particularly terrified 😳

Having a severe case of Bitchy Resting Face doesn't help 🙄

Witsender I do that! I was at a meeting last night - taking the minutes - and after I'd had to say something the fact that I said it in a really (to me) strange way kept going round and round in my head and now I'm trying to decipher the minutes and they make no sense .

I still obsess about stuff I did of the "carried a watermelon" ilk from 20 years ago. So ridiculous.

I'm not very good at small talk. Sometimes after a social situation dp will tell me I've given mono syllabic answers and not made conversation. I don't realise I'm doing it. I don't feel shy but I'm just not good in those kind of situations. I do try harder now and think I've improved but I find it incredibly draining.

I've read all the comments and it has been quite an eye opener.

My cousin is in her late 20s. Alot of you have experienced being very shy as a child/ teenager and have eventually "grown" out of it or at least it has vastly improved. I can relate to this to some degree as well. This has not been the case for her.

I'm not sure enough about the condition or even her symptoms to know whether she had/ has selective mutism.

However, having googled about social anxiety, I would asssume she may be suffering from this. I must admit I felt quite bad reading "thoughts" from people who have this illness and also from people on the thread.

She is a lovely person but she really needs to come out of her shell though. I am pretty sure she is not staying quiet because she does not like me as others have suggested as she is like this everywhere with pretty much everyone . She is not the type that would ignore or deliberately be rude to others even if she didn't like them.

Tbh, I wrote my post after another evening where we went out for a meal and she stayed quiet throughout. I asked a few questions about work etc and I just got "yeah it's fine" sort of replies. I do try to talk to her so she feels included but I will back off as I usually don't get much of a response .

I just get more frustrated than anything. It's sounds awful but it's like getting blood out of a stone and her observing and taking everything in makes me feel slightly uncomfortable tbh. You have no idea what she's thinking It may sound unreasonable but it's how I feel!

Her family and other extended family have made jokes / comments about her quietness in front of her which I have found awkward on her behalf as she just sits there and takes it. I agree with a poster who said about putting people in a box. She definitely is in " the quiet one who doesn't speak" box. I have even heard her being introduced as this too!

God I wish I could ignore all the people I found abit dull! Sadly its socially unacceptable. And quite different to being shy. Or is it?!

no. The general gist of this thread is that all quiet people can't help it
Quiet/shy people don't have the same range of personalities that extroverts have so they aren't ever being rude as well as being a bit quiet, or doing any of it conscientiously. They're all nice just misunderstood. No quiet people are assholes.

But if you're socially awkward the other way: you can control it and you probably actually enjoy it, and you might be an asshole

I'm 49 and I'm better in that I've learned to front it out in most situations but I can't imagine ever overcoming it completely.

I don't think I'd describe anyone as being a bit dull. There are people I have nothing in common with which means I find them dull, but that is me as much as them. I think because i mainly socialise with hobby groups we usually have something in common and the most introverted people often know the most about the subject so aren't dull at all. If you are in a group surely it doesn't matter if you're not fond of one of the group if they are quiet (different if they are loud and overbearing). If you find someone dull you wouldn't socialise with them unless you both belonged to a group surely?

If you are in a group surely it doesn't matter if you're not fond of one of the group if they are quiet (different if they are loud and overbearing).

it does have an effect on groups if someone is very quiet. The conversation doesn't flow as it normally would if there's someone there who isn't engaging as invariably people will try to include them and it feels stifled and awkward and can make people who are speaking feel self conscious.

It's not the case that only loud people affect group dynamics!

Adulting, I don't think most people are suggesting that quiet people can never be rude. That would just be silly. But just from what the OP has said, this sounds like extreme shyness verging on social anxiety. That is a different scale than just finding a bit difficult for the first few minutes at parties.

I think it can get better, but just willing yourself to speak more doesn't help. And believe me, many shy/socially anxious are all too aware that they are making other people awkward. Which just makes it worse - a vicious cycle.

There are of course a range of personalities among quieter people You can be quiet and supercilious , quiet but sociable, quiet and passive aggressive. But if you suffer from genuine social anxiety, you are probably all to anxious to join in, but it's like extreme stage fright, you just can't.

Equally there are a range of chatty people: chatty and friendly; chatty but arrogant; chatty and rude; chatty and fun. But if someone is chatty but sometimes puts their foot in their mouth, I wouldn't automatically assume they meant to be rude, any more than assuming that someone who is quiet, is deliberately being rude.

Op I really feel sorry for your cousin if her family go on about her being quiet. Is there any way to intervene with this because there is probably nothing more likely to push her firmly into her shell.

She definitely is in " the quiet one who doesn't speak" box. I have even heard her being introduced as this too!

Oh God, the memories!

My mum used to introduce me as "This is Merry, she's very shy" which meant the whole introduction became about the one thing I was trying to overcome. People would start trying to sooth me and say things like "Awww, bless! Don't worry I won't bite!".

I was a totally different person when I was with my friends because they just saw me as me and not "Poor old Merry who is afraid of her own shadow".

You could offer her wine. It might loosen her up a bit.

But why does she "really need to come out of her shell"? Perhaps she enjoyed the meal for the food, for the general company, just listening to other conversation going on, for the fact of being out of the house, who knows. Maybe she just feels that she doesn't have enough to say, and so can't get into a conversation about work or whatever because she doesn't know what to say next.

I'm very shy in many situations, and family can be the hardest, knowing people are scrutinising you and wishing you were different.

Perhaps you don't actually have to talk much either. There will usually be some conversation going on, and you could just enjoy a meal together.

I don't think it's 'wishing someone was different' as much as just helping carry the conversation or even expressing interest in someone by asking questions about their life.

Sorry to gatecrash but would someone tell me what means? Ive seen it on loads of posts and just wondered. Ta xx

Forcing a cripplingly shy person "out of their shell" or telling them they are rude and selfish (particularly horrible btw) is unlikely to be of any help if you're actually seriously trying to help someone who is struggling with shyness in a social situation. If they're low in self esteem, it'll be worse for them to be insulted over something they are unlikely to be able to do anything about very quickly. I was cripplingly shy but fortunately, I was eventually diagnosed, got treatment and support. I am now fine in most social situations. I'm very average; not shy but not overly loud and gregarious. I do lack in confidence but with age, I learned to fake it.

Belittling me with "other people find it hard too but manage to chat" wouldn't have helped. It's not a useful or realistic comparison. Let's say that two young but healthy people break their ankles in exactly the same way, at the same time. After the cast comes off, one person can walk across a room, whereas the other person is back to normal, walking half a mile. You would treat them differently and wouldn't expect the first person to join you on a stroll to the shops. Same thing with a frozen, shy person in a social situation.

I have lots of empathy and sympathy because I know how hard it was. I had no friends at primary school, wasn't close to my extended family and my dad was constantly on at me "but it's your family, they love you". I hated the sound of my own voice, every word I said was wrong and then, I got stressed because I knew not talking was drawing attention to myself. I visited my dad's family every Sunday (parents divorced) and struggled because the extended family were there and I found it so overwhelming. I cried every single Sunday night from the ages of 9 till 16 when I stopped going.

I totally and completely understand that the 'non shy people' (for lack of better phrase) are unlikely to all be happy, social, outgoing, chatty butterflies but clearly, we have found a way to cope. People who freeze and don't talk haven't found that coping mechanism. I think that adults who are this shy do have some degree of significant issue, it's really not that abnormal in kids, teens and young adults.

I think lots of teens/young adults are shy untill they enter the real world as it were and have to talk to strangers a lot more. I was shy as a teen, a lot of the time I didn't feel anxious or anything I just couldn't think of anything to say! And the absolute worst is people making rude comments on your shyness. I remember on tutorial group once we had to say a small thing in front of the group about why we should get "the job" afterwards the tutor said somethin like, now something to think about for everyone, one of the best answers was from the quietest person in the group. I was so annoyed, so because I was shy/quiet I would be crap at interview and never get a job? Argh it just annoys me there would always be little snide comments about shyness.

Kateinkorea

Whilst ignorance certainly plays a part, the OP is well aware that her cousin is shy and doesn't have to magically work out anything.
Her OP didn't ask why she acts like this. She asked if she was unreasonable to find it irritating.
Which is the part some people find insulting.

It's a bit like asking if it's unreasonable to find autistic people, or depressed people irritating.

You may well do, but expect a flaming for asking the question.

Some people are shy. Others choose not to participate socially leaving others to do all the social grunt work. The latter group (unless they are young) piss people off. Accept its hard to tell who falls into which camp...but unreasonable to expect non shy people to always assume the former. We are not saints and would sometimes appreciate some help.

Oh my God. How awful for you that everyone in the world isn't a carbon copy of you. Highly sensitive personalities are common (I think around 10%of the population). Many people with HSP are introverts and prefer to (at least initially) observe and get the feel of people before they join in. Maybe your cousin has got the feel of you and understands you are not worth bothering with. Tbh id probably be ignoring you toi

OP, I think you've had a lot of unnecessary flack and some fairly hurtful and presumptuous comments thrown at you. However, I would advise you to take another step back and think about why you feel you know better than your cousin what she "needs" to do and why. Don't forget, if she isn't opening up to you then you have no idea what she may be trying privately to overcome her shyness, or even if she is.

It's very honest to admit that you find this trait irritating - I used to be very shy and quite often ended up frustrating myself! - but it makes you come across as having less empathy than you probably do IRL.

There's nothing to say you have to keep pursuing this. Next time you're all out together, give her a big smile and a "how's it going?" and then chat to the people who choose to engage with you, secure in the knowledge you've fulfilled your social duty.

Iloveowls2 "Maybe your cousin has got the feel of you and understands you are not worth bothering with."

That sort of arrogance the OP would be justified being irritated with. When people talk to you in social situations it's not because they think you're fascinating or, necessarily, because they enjoy it. It's because they understand that's how society is constantly reinforced. Maybe you'll both find something in common and become firm friends. Maybe you can just be polite to each other. Either way it gives you common ground for keeping up a positive interaction in the future. If one side fails to engage it's a message that regardless of the benefits of just getting on, you aren't prepared to be civil. It's dehumanising and breaks down the bonds that civilisation relies on. The actions of an arrogant ass hole. If that's what "Highly Sensitive People" are it's not a label you should want to attach to yourself.

Another thing, if I think about it is this shyness has probably held her back. I could just be assuming obviously but definitely in her career it might have.

She has always been quite bright at school and achieved very good grades at GCSEs and a levels. Then she went onto do a degree in a vocational health profession. Think similar to speech therapist. She just needed to do one year training and then she would have qualified. But for reasons unknown to me she didn't find a placement and her family said she didn't want to do it anymore.

Now she is working in a minimum wage admin job. Which there is nothing wrong with that btw but I can't help but think there might have been something more to it.